Okotoan Adventures Episode 1

Hello, whoever you are!
So I am in a rp. Awesome, right? It is called “Okotoan Adventures”. I decided to rewrite the story, to make it like a novel or something like this… Anyway, here is the first episode:

The City of Mask Makers: a calm old city, especially after the Toa defeated Makuta. This happened 20 years ago. Some Okotoans thinks that everything became boring, but something big was going to happen.
Vinazu entered in the city. He was a Jungle Okotoan, carrying his glider on his back. He looked over his letter- the same one all the invited adventures got -as he looked for the building they were supposed to meet in. He read it over again:

Dear adventurer, I invite you to an audience in the City of the Mask Makers. If you accept, I invite you to meet me at the city’s meeting hall in one week’s time.
-Sincerely, Ekimu the Mask Maker.

He looked for the large hall in this mess of a city.
Vinazu: “This place is a lot more crowded with people then the jungle…”

Two Okotoans were looking for the hall too. One of them was a Fire Okotoan, the second was a Water Okotoan.
Vladin (the Fire Okotoan): “Do you see it?”
Athena (the Water Matoran): “Nope. You know I don’t like this city.”
Vladin: “Yes…”

In another place, an Ice Okotoan named Izin looked at the city from across the bridge.
Izin: “Hm…”
As Jeren walked across the bridge, he noticed the Ice Okotan standing where the bridge started. Izin stared him down, his icy blue eyes bearing into him.
Jeren: “Hi!”
Izin looked at him, without responding. Jeren looked away from him and continued walking to the city gate muttering.
Jeren: “Wonderful.”

Nuuma, a Stone Okotoan, was wandering around the city.
Nuuma: “Eh, now where is it?”
He came across a news board, looking at it. ‘Another Rahi attack within the Jungle Region. It seems they’re getting more frequent by the day.’
Nuuma: “Really? The Region of Jungle too? The Region of Stone is being attacked more as well. This doesn’t seem good…”

Echo began venturing to the city. He was a funny character. He was a Jungle Matoran, but instead of green armor he was wearing a dark blue and white armor, with a Skull Spider mask on its face.

Atlas can be seen walking to the City of the Mask Makers, hammer in hand. He was a tall and black Okotoan with a big hammer and a nice shield. Vinazu saw Atlas and walked up to him.
Vinazu: “Hey, do you know where the meeting hall is?”
Atlas: “Nope… Sorry.”
Vinazu: “Hmm… Well then, I need to find it. Sorry to bother you.”
Then he left Atlas, walking to the abandoned part of the city.

Lync just stares at the letter.
Lync: “Why the karz would he send me a letter? How does he even know where to find me?”
Lync was an Okotoan of Jungle. She was always preferring to work alone. The idea that somebody would know about her - let alone seek her out - was ridiculous. Yet, it was happening. Perhaps Ekimu had his reasons. Packing quickly, Lync leaves for the City of Mask Makers.
Lync moves quickly through the jungle, familiar with the terrain. Still, she’s going to be travelling late into the night. Thankfully the night only brings a beautiful moon and a sky full of stars these days - not like the last time she had gone on an adventure. It was a nice change.

Blaze was a taller than average Fire Okotoan, living in the City of the Mask Makers. He was doing his regular jobs when a birdie flied above him and gave him his letter. He reads it, smiling.
Blaze: “Huh. I guess I should get there soon to RSVP."
He picks up his equipment he rented for the day: tools for repairing and inspecting the area. He whistles a rather upbeat tune as he walks to the city center to drop his things off. He kinda dances to it as he walks. Blaze was… almost too happy. He was dancing around, waving his hands. A regular fire Okotoan entered in the city. Blaze saw him and waved his hand.
Blaze: “Welcome to the City of Mask Makers! How are you this glorious day?”
Echo made the mistake to show up, walking not too far away by Blaze.
Blaze: “Welcome to the City of Mask Makers, Ice Okotoan, I am Blaze! What a beautiful day, right?”
Echo (grunting): “Good enough, I guess. And I am a Jungle Okotoan.”
Blaze: “Oh… What’s on your mind?”
Blaze was feeling like the Jungle Okotoan was having a bit of a raincloud over his head. Echo responded without making any eye contact.
Echo: “Nothing really, I’m just curious as to why Ekimu wants to talk to me.”
Echo was thinking that Blaze was just another freak. I mean, who walks on the streets like that? Blaze shrugs.
Blaze: “Well, I’m sure that question will be answered in due time. Not from around here, are you?”
Echo: “Eh, I spent most of my early childhood in the Jungle Region”
Blaze (chuckling): “Fire Region but I moved here to make a bit of a living and to live where I don’t risk falling into a lava pit every few steps. Need to find a place to drop your things off while in town?”
Echo realized that he only had his axe, his armor and his mask.
Echo: “I’m good.”
Blaze: “If it isn’t too personal, is that a Skull Spider?”
Echo sighs and rips it off, revealing it had no legs, or any organs, anything of the sort. It had been hollowed out. Right then, Izin walked in and saw the strangely upbeat stranger. He tried to pass by without contact.

Vinazu looks upon a large building, doorway open to the air, revealing a large table surrounded by chairs. “I guess this is it.” He says to himself, swinging his grappling hook in a small circle, the other end wrapped around his waist.

Blaze (breathing a relieved sigh): “Phew, god!”
Then he noticed Izin.
Blaze: “Well, and make that the third newcomer. What brings you here to the City of Mask Makers?”
Izin looked, his icy blue eyes bearing into him. He then raised his letter.
Izin: “This.”
Blaze: “Ah!”
Blaze took his map and showed Izin where the Meeting Hall is. Izin left them without saying any “thank you.” Then Blaze looked at Echo.
Blaze: “The district you had me check is definitely fixable but there are a few Skull Spiders and Skull Warriors in these areas, (and he showed some spots on the map) You’ll probably want a few squadrons max with any workers going there to fix it all up.”
Echo: “Man, this guy is way too upbeat. He must be heaving a great day!”

Tekan stalked into the city, emerging from the forest with his cloak wrapped around himself and his scythe in hand, only his eyes, and their toxic green glare, discernible from within the hood.
Tekan (muttering): “Great. An invite by our all-powerful Ekimu. Can’t wait to see how ‘important’ this must be for his messenger to actually deliver it to me.”
He started to walk throughout the crowds, which parted quickly once they sighted the unnerving figure, as he headed towards where he thought the meeting hall was. Echo saw him. He left Blaze and went to Tekan. As Tekan walked he caught sight of the other Okotoan heading towards him.
Tekan: “Great! I hope he don’t try to sell me something… “
Echo: “Hello!”
Tekan: “Are you a vendor?”
Echo: “What? No…”
Tekan: “Good to see you’re not a vendor.”
Echo could see the outline of an oddly shaped mask under his hood.
Echo: “Yeah, that’s something I really wouldn’t be able to do. Hell. No.”
Tekan: “Good. I’ve already dealt with enough of them the last time I was in a city. Like the mask.”
And he started to walk forward. Echo started to walk next to him.
Echo: “Thanks!”
Tekan: “Welcome. Pretty fun use of one of those buggers besides selling their parts.”
Echo: “Mhm. People actually sell skull spiders? God I could’ve made so much money…”
Tekan: “Yeah I’ve found a few odd… ‘collectors’. Lost most of the ones who preferred live specimens though… apparently getting one of them on you is enough to put even those maniacs off of them.”
Echo: “Weird. So, what’s under the hood?”
Tekan (putting his hand on the mask): “Oh… This… I don’t fully know myself. From what I gathered from the temple it was an attempt to make some kind of powered mask by some odd mask makers cult. They failed though.”
He moved his hood enough to show the right cheek, tapping at a large crack, starting at the corner and leading farther up.
Tekan: “Only reason I took it was 'cause my own was shattered.”
Echo: “Neat.”
Tekan: ““Thanks. So, you know where the meeting hall is? Our oh so wonderful Ekimu summoned me for a meeting apparently.”
Echo: “I’m not the only one, then? Hmm… No clue, I was wondering the same thing”
Tekan: "Ah, too bad. Oh well, if anything if we’re late we might get Ekimu a bit irritated at least.”
Blaze was looking at the two, strapping his lava surfboard on his back, while walking to the meeting place. Nuuma saw him and walked to him.
Nuuma: “Hey! Any idea where the meeting hall is?”
Blaze: “Okay, did you get a letter too? Why do I feel like the answer’s yes? Sorry if I sounded rude, I’ve met like three people from across the island today that were asking about that place. Follow me, I was heading there anyway.”
Blaze walked to Tekan and Echo.
Blaze: “Follow me if you’re going to the Meeting Hall, please.”
Tekan: “Oh great. There goes that fun.”
Echo shrugged and started to follow the three, walking to the meeting hall.
Blaze: “Well, he’s all sunshine and rainbows around me; all I did was give him a friendly greeting and now he’s scowling at me. Sorry if I rubbed you the wrong way, pal.”
Tekan (a little irritated): “It’s not you that did, it’s what you prevented.”
Blaze: “Do I even want to ask?”
The Meeting Hall was starting to come into clear view.
Tekan: “Probably not. You city Okotoans are all the same, you all see Ekimu as some kind of god and take offence at the smallest of possible insults.”
Blaze: "He’s just like the rest of us in the end. I don’t revere him like a deity, just as a master craftsman and hope to be able to enter that field of work someday. Everyone’s entitled to their own opinions and we are to respect those opinions, even if they differ from my own.
Tekan (surprised): “That’s… surprising.”
Echo: “That’s racist. And if you’re not an Okotan, what are you?”
Tekan: “… It’s not racist. Typically most city livers are like this.”
Echo: “Ekimu is just pretty much the highest form of government, and don’t dodge the question, please”
Tekan: "Good to meet at least a few city dwellers who have a toned down look upon him. And I’m not dodging your question. Just figured it was a joke. So yes, I am an Okotoan.”
Echo: “Oh.”
Tekan: “What else could I be anyways?”
Echo: “Dunno. But when you say you Okotoans it makes you sound like you’re not one of us”
Tekan: “Ahhh… that is my own fault, too used to my isolation.”
Blaze (chuckling): “What, did you think that I was someone who worshiped the guy? I think a trip to the library would do you some good, in my opinion. I don’t believe we have been introduced. My name’s Blaze.”
Nuuma was looking at the three, talking.
Nuuma: “I am Nuuma, by the way…”
Blaze: "A pleasure to make your acquaintance.”
In the end, Blaze, Nuuma, Tekan and Echo reached the doors of the Meeting Hall.
Blaze: “There are some inns and taverns nearby and I will advise against some of the ones that stray into the abandoned districts as those can get a bit…unpleasant if you want to stay alive when you get out of there.”
He opened the door and went to a Jungle Okotoan, standing at a desk.
Blaze (showing his letter): “Excuse me. Do you know anything about this meeting with Ekimu?”

Atlas was wondering around the city, trying to find the Meeting Hall. A Water Okotoan saw him.
Water Okotoan: “Are you looking for the Meeting Hall?”
Atlas: “Yep. Mind telling me where it is?”
Water Okotoan: “I saw a group head over there a while ago; going to some kind of convention?”
Atlas: “Kinda…”
Water Okotoan: “Well, look for a big building with the statues of the Toa on it. It can’t be too far away.”
Atlas: “Thanks!”
Water Okotoan: “You’re welcome!”
Then he started to walk away. In the end, he found it, and entered in it, not sure what to expect. He found Blaze, Tekan, Echo and Nuuma, standing at the reception desk.
The Jungle Okotoan looked at a very long list.
Jungle Okotoan: “Yes, I find this. The Hall 7 is reserved for Blaze, Tekan, Nuuma, Echo, Atlas, and some other guys. You find it at the end of that hallway.
Blaze: “Thanks! Have a nice day!”
Tekan immediately started to walk towards Hall 7, passing the others.
Echo: “Hey! Wait for us!”
The other four Okotoans followed him. Everyone was surprised when they saw Vinazu standing at a long central table.
Vinazu: “Took you guys long enough. Is this everyone?”
Blaze: “If the trend holds true, I feel that we’ll be meeting a few others before everyone’s here.”
He extends his hand to shake. Vinazu shakes it, the thick vine around his waist clearly visible.
Blaze: “Name’s Blaze.”
Vinazu: “Vinazu, inventer extraordinaire.”
Blaze: “Cool, I presume you got a letter like the rest of us?”
Tekan went to a chair in the farthest corner of the room.
Blaze: “Come on, I don’t think we’ll bite.” Blaze says. Guy needs to learn to socialize a bit or that tension’s gonna make him snap like an old rope bridge.”
Echo yawned. He was looking tired. Blaze took a sit near the middle of the table. He leaned back in his chair, waiting for something to happen. He started to sharpen his sword. Vinazu was swinging the end of his grappling hook.

Izin was outside the building. He entered in it, without saying anything. He was happy that the Jeren guy left him alone. Jeren choose to give up. He couldn’t find the hall.
Suddenly, An Okotan, covered with golden armor with an ornate, crown like mask walked in: Ekimu.
Ekimu: “One, two, three, four… Seems some are still missing.”
Right then, Izin entered in the room, without saying anything.
Ekimu: “Well, that’s one less we need to wait for.”
Echo: “Hello!”
Blaze looks towards the source of the sound then looks back to his sword sharpening. He abruptly stops and slowly puts his swords away. He was trying to look as calm as he could.
Blaze: Stay calm and for the love of all that is good in this world, DO! NOT! FANBOY!!
Ekimu: “That makes six. We’ve still got just under half of you to wait for. I invited 11.”
Tekan was looking at Ekimu with his green eyes.
Tekan: “Ah Ekimu, glorious mask maker of all has arrived.”
Blaze gives him a look that says to give the guy some slack; he probably works himself to the bone making masks.
Ekimu: “Not all that glorious. There were many Mask Makers in the past better than I.”
Blaze smiles, glad to see him being humble even amidst all the praise and worship he has received over the ages.
Tekan: “Of course, of course. Heard of many. Why I even remember one of them, oh of course he was nowhere near as great as you according to what I’ve researched but, eh, he did at least have some interesting attempts.”
Blaze: “Where did he learn about those?”
Ekimu: “If you speak of whom I think, then do realize he was not as bad as most believed. He did very admirable work… Before his envy got to him. Anyways, let’s talk of another topic while we wait.”
As they continued to wait Tekan pulled a satchel out of his cloak, revealing partially cracked armor across his arms, where it was visible, and most definitely leading farther up. He pulled out a chipped, quite ancient looking, stone tablet, putting his satchel back below his cloak before beginning to read it, his hood still up.
Tekan: “Perhaps so but his ideas were new and unexpected. Why, if he hadn’t failed it would’ve been something passed down in legend. Actually, I suppose it still did, if not at the way he posed for it to.”
Ekimu: “It’s true, but it would’ve been terribly difficult to succeed. His mask, that mask, was contaminated by his envy and greed, and similar would happen to any others who made it; their negative emotions would corrupt the mask, and in turn, it’s wearer.”
Blaze looked like he was trying to organize his thoughts but wasn’t sure if the time was right to ask that of Ekimu.
Echo: “So, Ekimu, if you don’t mind me asking…why are we here?”
Ekimu sighed.
Ekimu: “I was hoping to wait for everyone, but I’ll tell them later. I want you all to find some things for me.”
Echo: “Such as?”
Right then, the twins Vladinand Athena entered in the room.
Vladin: “Sorry, we are late.”
Athena: “We couldn’t find the hall. What have we miss?”
Ekimu: “Nothing really. You came just in time! I want to start by having you all find masks. Golden Masks of Power from far before our time, when crystals of elements other than the main 6 ones were way more abundant.”
He took an old map of the city and circled the abandoned district.
Ekimu: “The first one was here, the Golden Mask of the Skull Spiders. It was created originally to keep the spiders at bay, until it was stolen by my brother. Now, we need to find it, along with many others, but we’ll save those for later.”
Tekan: “Mask collecting eh? Better than I expected at least.”
Vladin: “Pretty classic…”

Lync finally enters the City of Mask Makers, looking around for the meeting hall. She sees it quickly, as she could hear Ekimu talking at a window. Lync quietly enters the hall, standing near the entrance.
Ekimu: “Ah, good, another one. Long story short, I need you to find the Golden Mask of Skull Spiders in the abandoned part of the city.”
Lync raises an eyebrow under her mask.
Lync: “Lovely.”
Tekan: “Surprised no one else has done this yet. “
Ekimu: “They’ve tried. That’s why I wanted a decently large group, all of whom know how to fight. I wanted people who wouldn’t die on the return trip, like so many lone people who did."
Izin: “Then they just weren’t good enough.”
Blaze looked at the map. Then points to the areas where he saw Skull Spiders earlier.
Blaze: “Would the Spiders and remaining Warriors avoid or seek out the mask?”
Ekimu: “Don’t know about the Warriors, but the Skull Spiders will, along with other hostile Rahi.”
Blaze: “Can I have the map for a moment?”
Ekimu: “Sure.”
Blaze: “Thank you.”
He marks areas where the highest concentrations of hostile Rahi were and gives it to Ekimu.
Blaze: “Would those areas be good places to start looking?”
Ekimu: “Yes. I’d say so.”
Blaze: “That is going to be a bit difficult to get to as that area is around where I found it difficult to gain access to because of all the Rahi there. I would ask if we could have a small company of guards escort us through there as that would give us the best chance at surviving.”
Ekimu: “Unfortunately, the guard is busy, that’s why I wanted warrior adventurers.”
Blaze: “Well, I guess that we’ll have to make do with what we have but I have a question: Am I right to presume that The Lord of Skull Spiders himself would personally be looking for the Mask seeing as it is a counter to him and his armies?”
Atlas: At least we aren’t fighting anything too dangerous yet.
Ekimu: “In the unlikely chance he’s alive, yes.”
Vinazu: “Yeah. Didn’t the Protectors kill him in a cave collapse?”
Nuuma: “I think…”
Blaze: "He survived falling off the bridge into the bottom of the canyon; I’d be legitimately very surprised if he was actually killed in that cave in. Plus, it’s been nearly twenty years since then and it is possible someone or something dug him out and helped him recover.”
Lync: “If anyone’s nuts enough to help a giant spider, it’s them I’m worried about.”
Ekimu looks at the sky through a window.
Ekimu: “I must go. Meet me at the forge once you get the mask. Thank you.”
Blaze: “Yes sir! I can ask about any openings for apprentices when we get the mask; not if, WHEN.”
Atlas stood up.
Atlas: “Do we go?”
Izin gets up and starts to leave. Vinazu looks at him quizzically, looks at everyone else and beckons to follow, before doing so himself. Blaze does so, taking a detour to get some spyglasses for the group at the market. He distributes the tools.
Blaze: “These should help us survey the area without getting too close to the Rahi.”
Atlas was the one who took a spyglass. Vinazu and Nuuma took one each too. Even Tekan took one too. The twins took two too.
Tekan: “Perfect! I am keeping it!”
Vinazu: “I can keep us up high, too. Then we’ll be out of their way, and out of most of their lines of sight.”
Izin left the room without saying anything, and without taking a spyglass. Blaze followed him, leading the group to the abandoned district.
Blaze: “Keep your guard up; this place isn’t like back in the city proper.”

Characters:
Nuuma, Izin, Vinazu - @Runa
Vladin, Rena - @me
Blaze - @BlackBeltGamer98
Tekan - @KAI_BORG
Atlas - @Toa_Distraxx
Echo - @BrokenAxels
Lync - @jayzor17
Jeren - @Morgy

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So far so good, I think it’s pretty accurate.

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0/10, it does not have the best character in it yet. :stuck_out_tongue:

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@Toa_Vladin, may I speak freely?

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Can’t wait for more. :smiley:/10
Based on my experience, I would add a little detail to the landscape, to compliment the dialogue. Such as simple bits in the city and terrain details. Well a little more details to emphasize the emotions of the characters. such as the way they perceive the land around them. Colorful Language. Love the story BTW. @Toa_Vladin

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@TheMOCingbird Its not my fault that Kryuin didn’t appear yet. You entered in the rp to late for part one. Maybe part two.

@BlackBeltGamer98 Yes. Why not? I’m afraid you will say bad words…

@Jcton Thank ya man!

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(@Toa_Vladin). Just wanting to share a bit of healthy criticism I had received when I wrote my own story. The issue here is that this isn’t so much of a story as it is a sequence of events with dialogue sprinkled in. A few tips I have come across could apply here: create an outline of what you are trying to write, break it up into small chunks so it is a lot more manageable and don’t be afraid to describe what is going on. The good parts about this entry you made are that it does show a sequence to the RP but the challenge of adapting the RP from a forum post/thread into a story is figuring out what the exact sequence of events is. You have an awesome foundation for a first draft. I do not mean to sound like I am trying to hurt you but to try to show where the flaws are and how you could fix them before you decide on publishing it.

Rome wasn’t built in a day, after all; and the same applies to a story. Take time to go through and outline each section after you divide everything into manageable, bite size chunks; then think of how you can describe what is going on without losing the flow and it feeling like a exposition dump as pacing is rather vital. If you have any questions, comments or concerns about what I have said; please feel free to discuss them with me as I would like to know if my feedback was interpreted as constructive or not.

Again, it is an amazing start but not everything is perfect on the first run; it takes time and patience to refine anything. There are various spelling and grammatical errors that need attention but with time and patience, I feel confident that you can refine this story.

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