Have you ever wondered what it would be like if your world was abandoned? Wondered what it would it would be like if you saw your friends fade from existence? Wondered what it would be like if you knew you could’ve saved them…Wondered what it would be like if you were the reason your world ended?
Tamn woke up. The nightmares were back. He got up, and watched the sunrise. Most Ta-Matoran shouldn’t give a Gafna’s tail about nightmares, he thought. but these nightmares were different. were they…Talking to him?. Tamn dispelled these ugly thoughts and made his way to the forge. Yeah, i’ll just make some masks, have a laugh with Dyzy, then i’ll go back to my house, i’ll go to sleep…and have more nightmares… these were the thoughts that filled his head as he walked into the Ta-naga forge.
If the story sucks kindly tell me how to make it not suck.
Unless i become discouraged from writing by how mindbogglingly awful the story ends up being i’ll write more
Another day at the forge. Hammers were clanking against metal, Metal was clanking against hammers. Tamn took his usual spot and began his work.
“Hello, chum!” came the friendly greeting of Dyzy. “Hey.” Tamn said weakly. “Why do you look so tired? didn’t get much sleep?” Dyzy asked. “What does it look like?” Tamn replied. “Boy, you’re in a real state today, ain’t ya? Well do i have just the thing for you!” Dyzy began telling an obscene story about a Le-Toa who tried to lead a Toa Team. Normally, Tamn would have loved this sort of humour, but he was barely awake yet. Dyzy was just getting to the part about the Le-Toa and “tree-hugging” when an Onu-Matoran ran into the forge. Tamn recognized him as a messenger of sorts- but what was he doing in Ta-naga? The Onu-Matoran screamed: “The-There has b-been a great c-calamity! Toa Cedrock is dead!”
Later that night…
Toa Aner looked down at the scattered parts of his old friend. Cedrock appeared to have been mangled by some wild beast, although he usually had such a way with Rahi. The Toa of earth’s death was not only a great tragedy for the Onu-Matoran, but for the whole island. There were only two Toa on the island, and with one gone the whole island would have to be watched over just by Toa Aner, something that might be impossible. Unless…Unless there were new Toa? This was the thought that occupied Toa Aner’s head as he paid a visit to a the house of the matoran called Dyzy- only to find something strange- he wasn’t there!
Zork notes:
Tell me if the chapter doesn’t make sense or if there’s any grammatical problems or if the story sucks.
Minor issue- it’s proper to start a new paragraph whenever there’s a new speaker, so this:
Should look like this:
Also, I have a question:
Why is this considered strange? Wouldn’t Aner expect matoran to be out and about doing their jobs and whatnot, or does this portion of the chapter take place at night when everybody is supposed to be asleep?
Dyzy woke up in a dingy cave.
“Hello,” he said, “Anybody there?”
Silence.
“I’d like to know why i’m here!”
More silence.
“Helllooooooooooo…?” He called out.
“Hello there.” Came a reply.
“Who are you?” Dyzy asked.
“…Vezoth.” the voice replied.
“That’s…a nice name.”
“Yours is nicer.” Came a reply.
“Oh, i dunno about that-” Dyzy began.
“Mind if I take it?”
A glistening claw stretched out.
A Ta-Matoran with a Huna stepped out of a cave. He had but one thought in his head. “The Toa Stone. I require the Toa Stone.”
