#Chapter One: Tainted Bliss
The Kitan docks, a place of trading, travel and crime. The once fresh breeze that I will never feel would always be tainted in Kitan. The factories that line the right side of the docks warding the sea from taking the land, a permanent embargo placed onto it by the monopolies who make their profit by burning the midnight oil to craft protosteel weapons and tools, canned Rahi meat from “legitimate” sources and artificial highs only made for those who will commit felony just to get a second batch.
None of this mattered to me who was prone on a prototin roof of a storage building scouting through my sights to see the one unknowingly waiting for their final breath. As I once again looked down my sights I could see many things from deadbeat toa trying to make enough daikra just to afford a rentable shack, a dock guard with a rifle in one hand and a processed drink in the other. A barge used for shipping containers over to other countries was docked closest to the factories. their were Toa and Matoran most of them were Air and Shadow going into the boat and bringing crates out. Then… I saw her
A slim female Toa of Twilight with light green eyes and black upper arms and lower legs that matched her white arms and legs, was commanding the Toa and Matoran going into the barge as if they were bringing whatever was in those crates into the storage building I was on top of. She then looked into the moon and that was when I breathed slowly as I showed her the true meaning of bliss. She fell backwards in a mix grief and despair as the her life came out through the vents of her paraki and into the contaminated air as she landed to the floor. A black smoke then appeared from two places, the rifle of mine and her left eye.
As the cronies of her fled the docks I came down from the building I walked towards the deceased Toa and picked up the Paraki from her lifeless face and saw where their was supposed to be the left eye was a gaping hole where the bullet went. I then placed it on her white torso and crossed her arms. And then said in her tongue “Saibya fue ro dika” (Perfection is never in violence)
I then walked away… Knowing… That this was only the beginning of the end.
authors trivia
the Narration for the mysterious killer has a Noir aesthetic.
the toa of twilight is to be visualized with the G2 Paraki
Her fluent language is a lesser used one called Krataga which is mostly used in villages around Halikor (and sometimes is known as slum speak in Kitan)
Well… what universe is this even in!?
Besides that, the writing is pretty top notch. Grammar is great (something that many fanfictions lack) and you gave some pretty vivid descriptions. However, this
could use a bit of a break in the middle. But that’s really all I’ve got for you.
This is hard to read, and harder to follow. You use too many words in a lot of places, and your sentences tend to go on too long. Prime examples of this include:
You also mix up there and their constantly. “their” is used to denote ownership, while “there” indicates place
And my biggest problem with this story. It’s too edgy. There’s a way to write dark and gritty well. It needs to be subtle. This can be achieved through something as minor as word choice, or offering us an actual glimpse into your character’s mind, showing us their disgust at the world around him. But when you push the grittiness in the reader’s face like this, it loses any actual edge or meaning it might have.
Overall, your story might have potential, but it’s hard to tell at this point. I do plan on reading your future chapters though.
they don’t get across the idea of mature. In fact, they give the opposite impression. It looks childish to say things like this to establish your story as dark.
There are some odd bits, but I’m curious to see where you take this. Also, thank you for inviting me. I’ve not followed a Literature topic yet, so I look forward to the experience.
did you invite me too? but anyways, there are the problems already mentioned, but also the story just throws the reader into a unfamiliar world. there should be a backstory or something to describe where the story is taking place, because while you may know every nook and cranny of this world, others don’t. other than that and previously mentioned problems, it’s good and can’t wait to read more.
Hmm I agree with @Omega_Tahu
But here is a thought… maybe keep making cryptic posts like these and numbering them in some way, revealing little bits about the world more and more?
