So on Friday, Killer Instinct’s online ranked system was changed from a standard online fighting game ranking system to a “tier” one, which is explained more in depth here, but basically it just means that instead of simply having rankings, you have bronze, silver, gold, and “killer” tiers. Win enough games, and you rank up. Rank up enough times, and you get promoted to a higher tier, which you can never be demoted from.
Over the earlier part of the weekend (when people weren’t playing Mario Kart <_<), my friend, the ice alien Glacius, and I went on a quest to reach gold tier by beating people up. There are the cliffnotes of those adventures.
FRIDAY
10:40 PM: As it turns out, Killer Instinct, not Bionicle, was the one who heard my desire for a golem. The newest character, and the one who came with this online update, is a giant stone golem named Aganos. Unfortunately for me, Microsoft decided to arbitrarily lock my golem away from me for another 6 days because I hadn’t bought the super ultra special edition of the game. Looks like I’m sticking with my ice alien buddy; I’m not spending another $20 unless that golem comes pre-equipped with Pepsi dispensers and writes my essays for me.
10:44: First match. Instead of sticking me in “bronze” tier immediately, the game decided to give me 10 “qualifying” matches to see how good I am. I picked a fabulously blue and pink version of my ice alien friend, and it delivers a win.
SATURDAY
12:02 AM: Rest of qualifying went rather poorly. I guess blue and pink isn’t as terrifying as I was originally led to believe. The game says I suck, so off to bronze tier I go.
12:30 AM: Got beaten up and then eaten by a dinosaur. However, being composed of water, this isn’t as big of a setback as one might think otherwise. I’ll just have to wait for a sneeze or two to get back on my feet.
2:43: Ran into Aganos, the golem Microsoft decided I wasn’t a responsible enough customer to have yet. Absolutely wrecked him. Who needs golems when you have blue and pink ice aliens?
3:00: It’s bed time. Zzzzzz
9:58: Back to the grind. Got eaten by a dinosaur again. This is becoming extremely repetitive. Would be better if they bothered to clean out their digestive systems.
10:11: Some poor soul went afk and left his character just standing there. Being the fabulous sport that I am, I waited there until he returned and fought him fairly.
Just kidding I murdered him on the spot with no remorse. Gold must be had.
10:22: Brutally murdered a mummy on a ravine overlooking an Amazonian village. Maybe Hollywood will think twice about giving mummies another movie when ice aliens have none. At least the scenery is nice.
10:45: Went back to the same village…and encountered kimbo slice wearing sunglasses…this game is nuts. Thankfully, mixed martial artists are nothing compared to the power of ice.
11:14: Kimbo Slice is back for revenge…and wearing a Santa Claus hat and beard this time. As if this game needed to convince me of its strangeness even more, I promptly got turned to stone by a vengeful golem (obviously upset at me not thinking buying his brother early was worthwhile) at the end of the match, White Witch style. Thankfully, my ice alien buddy can be resurrected so long as there’s a freezer nearby
11:20: Kimbo Slice returned for a third time, having lost everything except the Santa beard, but sporting an extremely bizarre pair of purple pants. I quickly punished him for his poor fashion sense.
Sometime in the afternoon: Silver rank achieved! Halfway there (livin’ on a prayer?)
6:38 PM: A skeleton beat me up
6:44: The same skeleton beat me up again
6:47: The same skeleton beat me up yet again. Beginning to think the game is spiting me
7:35: The GREATEST COMEBACK EVER. The dumb dinosaur from before showed up, taking a good lifebar and 50% or so lead before comeback mode was initiated. Spent his entire second lifebar with less than 10% health. Moving up the silver tiers
7:42: Mother effing skeletons
7:50: Return of the golem. He fared about as well as his previous ally. I WILL NOT SPEND $20 FOR EARLY ACCESS MICROSOFT
11:22: A wonderful comeback against some secret agent who I’m told was a woman but who I’m fairly certain wasn’t even human. Seriously, that monstrosity makes Injustice Wonder Woman look fantastic by comparison
11:25: And ran into her ninja brother. He looked more like a woman, for what it’s worth. No comeback necessary here, my uber leet pro skills are on display. Getting close to gold rank
11:29: Ran into a robot who I’m pretty sure was designed to counter Glacius. Has an eye laser to shoot down any jump, he can outzone me, he can teleport behind me…this went poorly. Perhaps cyborg Glacius would have been better
11:38: Secret agent thing is back for revenge. Unfortunately for her, revenge is a dish best served cold, and the only source of cold here is the ice alien. Round 2 and the sweep goes to the blue and pink.
11:41: Rank up match time. This is for gold
11:42: And the rank up match is against…the golem. Divine fate spurs me onward. I will show Microsoft I do not need early access.
11:43: And Microsoft was shown. GOLD RANK is mine. Done with this game for the night; I can’t take any more skeletons, dinosaurs, or Kimbo Slice