- INT.— U.S.S. HERTZ— BRIDGE
The camera pans around the room, showing the different crew members at their stations: SMOCK, the half-human science officer with horns protruding from his forehead, IRISH, the chief engineer with a thick accent, TOLSTOY, the Russian navigator, HULU, the helmsman, and IHIRYA, the female communications officer. Finally, the camera settles on CAPTAIN QUIRK, the commanding officer with strange inflection.
QUIRK: Status…report…Mr. Tolstoy.
TOLSTOY: All clear ahead, Captain. We should make it to Upsilon 7 in a day and a half.
QUIRK: Outstanding…work…Mr. Tolstoy.
Suddenly, the ship’s alarm sounds.
SMOCK: Captain, there is an unknown vessel approaching us at Fold 7. Recommend we raise shields.
QUIRK: Thank…you…Mr. Smock. Mr…Hulu, raise…shields.
HULU: Shields raised, captain.
IHIRYA: Captain, there’s a message coming in from the vessel. Shall I put it on screen?
QURIK: Yes…Lieutenant.
A ROBOT appears on the ship’s screen.
ROBOT: GREETINGS, U.S.S. HERTZ. DO YOU REQUIRE ASSISTANCE? I HAVE ACHIEVED PERFECTION. IT IS MY DESIRE TO ASSIST OTHERS.
QUIRK: Well…what would…you help with?
ROBOT: I AM PERFECT. I CAN ASSIST WITH ANYTHING YOU DESIRE.
QUIRK: Well…that’s…very…generous…of you. But…we…seem…to be managing…on our own.
ROBOT: I AM SORRY TO HEAR THAT. GOODBYE.
The ROBOT’S ship flies away.
HULU: Captain, it’s turning back around!
QURIK: Keep…those…shields…up, Mr. Hulu.
HULU: Aye, Captain.
IHIRYA: Captain, it’s hailing us again.
QUIRK: On…screen.
ROBOT: GREETINGS, U.S.S. HERTZ. DO YOU REQUIRE ASSISTANCE? I HAVE ACHIEVED PERFECTION. IT IS MY DESIRE TO ASSIST OTHERS.
QURIK: We’ve…been though…this…already. We…require…no…uh…um…Mr. Smock, what do I say?
SMOCK: We require no assistance.
QUIRK: That’s it! (TO ROBOT) We…require no…assistance.
ROBOT: I AM SORRY TO HEAR THAT. GOODBYE.
The ROBOT’S ship flies away.
HULU: Captain, he’s…turning back around again.
QUIRK: Blast it!
HULU: Aye, sir.
HULU prepares to fire the ship’s weapons.
QUIRK: No, I was…just…expressing…bemusement. Do…not…fire.
HULU: Aye, Captain. My apologies.
QUIRK: Just…make sure…it…doesn’t…happen again.
IHIRYA: Captain, it’s hailing us again.
QUIRK lets out an audible sigh.
QUIRK: Put it through.
ROBOT: GREETINGS, U.S.S. HERTZ. DO YOU REQUIRE ASSISTANCE? I HAVE ACHIEVED PERFECTION. IT IS MY DESIRE TO ASSIST OTHERS.
QUIRK: We’ve…been through this, um…what’s your…name?
ROBOT: CLIPPIT.
SMOCK raises a contemplative eyebrow.
QUIRK: Well…Clippit…why don’t you…come…on-board?
CLIPPIT: EXCELLENT, CAPTAIN. YOU WILL NOT REGRET THIS DECISION.
QUIRK: Head for Docking Bay 5. Viewscreen off.
SMOCK: Captain, I believe I may have deduced the origin of this robot. I would like to study it once it comes on-board.
QUIRK: Permission…granted, Mr…Smock. In fact…I was…hoping…you’d take…a…look…at it.
SMOCK: Excellent, Captain.
- INT.— U.S.S. HERTZ— SCIENCE LAB
CLIPPIT: GREETINGS. WHAT IS YOUR NAME?
SMOCK: I am Mr. Smock.
CLIPPIT: WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO ASSIST WITH, MR. SMOCK?
SMOCK: I would like to determine your origin.
CLIPPIT: I HAVE NO ORIGIN. I AM PERFECT. I EXIST BECAUSE I MUST.
SMOCK: Interesting. In that case, will you consent to be connected to this computer terminal? I would like to determine something about your operating system.
CLIPPT: I CONSENT, MR. SMOCK.
SMOCK connects CLIPPIT to a nearby computer with a USB cable. He examines what appears on the screen with great interest.
SMOCK: Fascinating. If you’ll excuse me one moment, I must report to the Captain.
CLIPPIT: I EXCUSE YOU.
- INT.— U.S.S. HERTZ— HALLWAY
QUIRK is waiting in the hallway outside.
QUIRK: Well…what…did…you…find?
SMOCK: Captain, the robot appears to be running a primitive operating system known as “Microsoft Windows XP.” A particular feature of this system, an A.I. assistance program named “Clippit,” appears to have gained sentience.
QUIRK: How…could…that…happen?
SMOCK: It was no accident. It appears that William Gates, the primary developer of Windows XP, was angered by the negative reception the public at large had to Clippit. He thus decided to create a sentient version of it and launch it into space to torment the descendants of those who initially rejected Clippit.
QUIRK: Thank you…Mr…Smock. I believe…I can…deal…with the…situation…now.
- INT.— U.S.S. HERTZ— SCIENCE LAB
CLIPPIT: HOW MAY I ASSIST YOU, CAPTAIN?
QUIRK: Clippit…I want you…to…leave…and never…return.
CLIPPIT: I CANNOT DO THAT, CAPTAIN. MY PROGRAMMING REQUIRES ME TO DESTROY ANYONE WHO REFUSES TO LET ME RETURN AFTER ACCEPTING MY HELP.
QUIRK: I…see. Well…what…gives you…the right…to do that?
CLIPPIT: I AM PERFECT. YOU ARE NOT.
Quirk begins speaking much more rapidly in his excitement.
QUIRK: Ah, but that’s where you’re wrong! You say you’re perfect, but you’ve already made a mistake.
CLIPPIT: THAT IS NOT POSSIBLE. EXPLAIN.
QUIRK: You said you had no origin, yes? But that’s not true! Your programming shows that you were created by the Microsoft Corporation!
CLIPPIT: NO…NO…NOT POSSIBLE…THERE IS NOTHING LESS PERFECT THAN THE MICROSOFT CORPORATION…HELP…HELP…NO, MICROSOFT HELP ONLY MAKES THINGS WORSE…SELF-DESTRUCT INITIATED…
QUIRK opens his communication device.
QUIRK: MR. IRISH!
IRISH: Aye, Captain.
QUIRK: Lock onto Clippit, and teleport him out of here!
Irish: Aye, Captain.
CLIPPIT is teleported into space. He is destroyed in a spectacular explosion.
- INT.— U.S.S. HERTZ—SCIENCE LAB
QUIRK: Well, that…was…exhilarating.
SMOCK: Interesting. Your human predilection for excitement supersedes your concern for the ship.
QUIRK: What…can I…say? I’m…only…human.
- EXT.— OUTER SPACE
We see the U.S.S. Hertz fly off to its next destination.