[Tales of Lunarria] Sea of Blades

blinding blades
The sea was in a blinding rage that day. To the deep waters of forgotten lands the Brakas Bazaar was tempting the harsh, punishing waves of the sea.

Inside the quarters of Brakas Bazaar Tailora the brash but vague captain of this ship was catching up on the ships manifest as he would normally do.

His quarters was very minimal in capacity but was still formidable. on a perch to the side of where Tailora was reading the manifest was a perch. On the perch was a Smoke Hawk. it was resting plucking at his wings.

The sea was bashing at the ship making Tailora's light reading impossible to do. He then got up and went out onto the Deck of the Brakas Bazaar. He flinched for just a second as his foot touched a Ruki Fish then kicked off the side and back to his home to the ocean.

A Matoran came towards Tailora soaked from the mask up "what the Makuta is going on" Tailora asked towards the Matoran. "it is the sea captain it is unnatural" he replied gasping for breath. "bout a quarter of the crew has been taken by it" he then said as another wave rocked the boat from side to side. Tailora could only get through half his retort before a giant wave large as the ship came from behind taking it down towards the abyss.

and Tailoras last words were "by Kiask himself if this ship shall be my death.............


Interesting prologue, there seems to be a typo with Tailora's name at the beginning and some of the writing could use a little work. But the rest is all right.

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Fixed it
This is one of my first Literature works that is not first person or a Guide

Whadd,why do you keep summonning me to all your new topics?


I enjoy Criticism

But why me? I suck at critism.

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I was summoned!

Nice, I like it, for criticism I would say...
the repetition of:

Could be switched out for more description of the ship, as it is quite a mouthful to keep reading (Not sure how that works... A mindful? - never mind)
It would also allow for you to describe the ship subtly and allow for imagery to pick up the setting. It is a prologue so the description doesn't need to be too in depth but add a little

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I have been summoned. This is pretty good. I'm just a bit confused at what the premise of the story is. Is it a pirate story.

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It stars Pirates ( i will not say the Captains name)
But it will become clearer

Good write, good read. :smile:

That is too many periods for an Ellipsis. You don't need that many.

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I cut off Tailoras speech since he was just put underwater.

Chapter One
glimmering blades
Kitra could not sleep that night. The restless winds from the Cindarian coastline made sleeping a chore for her. She got out of bed stretching as she moved onto the balcony staring onto the coast and she grasped on to the banister and stared off into the distance in a familiar awe.

She had awoke to see a beautiful sight for many travellers that come to Cindaria. The dazzling sunrise in Cindaria were always a beautiful sight for Kitra from its golden sun beaming the city of Cindaria, to its peachy red reflection in the teal ocean was one of the reason Kitra will stay alive to the bitter end.

One thing stood out in the sunrise unseen to Kitras eyes until she squinted to see a bird soaring towards her villa. when it came closer towards her villa she noticed that it was a Smoke Hawk normally used in ships as messenger Rahi and as scout pets. When it came to Kitra it nipped her on her finger and then turned its back to her. Kitra saw a messenger tube and inside it was a message (she was fond to doing this due to being a diplomat for Cindaria) inside was a piece of parchment with a wax stamp keeping it together with the initials T.F on the stamp. Kitra tore the stamp off carefully and unravelled the parchment to read in a very fond handwriting

Kitra it has been some time has it not
I have sent Lorden to you since I shall not be needing him any more
for you see my body is at sea alongside my crew and my ship
the abyss has allowed me to take my final breath with the sea
I am sorry I could not see your mask once again Kitra
and please
whenever you look into the sunlight
remember me
---------- Tailora Fasshonaburuna

Kitra put the parchment of his seabound brother down she said one thing to herself and then run out of her room in a depressed but at the same time resentful voice

"Brother you will always survive to the bitter end"

end of chapter one
how do you like it @Baldric @PekekoaOfJungle @Ghosty @Zelohak @Gwideon

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Interesting first chapter of the story, I like how you set up a little bit of the setting. If I had to critique one thing however, is that you should try and find ways to make us see what the characters are seeing. The style is very passive and some of the word choices are confusing or very unclear, otherwise good start.

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Nice. The setting especially.
Criticism: would be to slow down the pace. Don't rush so you can give us more description of the characters actions and such.

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Chapter Two
vengeful blades
KItra rushed down the Cindarian crafted stairwell towards her study where her very own Smoke Hawk Marque. Marque is more elegant than Lorden and has red tinted feathers against Lordens singed like feathers. Her beak was more curved aswell compared to Lorden which was had a scar on his beak.

Kitra then grabbed a piece of white parchment, Grabbed a quill and started writing on the parchment

to Lusko
Prepare the à aller hardiment for sail
also prepare another Smoke Hawk perch in my quarters

Kitra Fasshonaburuna

Kitra then rolled it up and gave it to Marque who grasped it in her talons and soared out of the window and towards the Cindarian harbour.

She then walked towards a weapon rack made by a great Cindarian carpenter. Inside of it
was her traditional rapier an covered silver hilted blade given to her from Tryracent. she grasped it and ran towards the front door but as she did she stopped when she got towards the door frame of her study and looked at her desk. On her desk was a yellow hilted parrying dagger given to her by her brother Tailora. She stared at it then grabbed it then ran towards the harbour.

end of chapter two