Tanumia Chronicles

Chapter One: Beginnings

All I remember was a white light all around me. It was warm, almost like fire, but it didn't burn me. I think I was falling but I wasn't sure. All of the sudden the bright light dissipated and I awoke in a crater. I looked around, and all I saw was smoke everywhere with glowing eyes all around me. Before I knew what happened, I fell back asleep.

When I woke back up, I was in a small tent. It was a light tan and seemed oddly small. I sat up quickly and looked around. I saw my body, it was completely white. It looked to be mechanical, but it had organic tissue underneath metal plates, around pistons, and between gears. Wooden disks, bamboo polls, and seashells were all over the room. A small blue being ran in, and began to talk with a calm, but cheerful voice. “You’re awake! Come, I’ll take you to the turaga.” I stood up, expecting to be in pain, but felt fine. We walked through a small village filled with similar people. Many tents with tarps draped over them filled the area. We walked along a beach until we eventually entered a large wooden hut.

When we walked in, I saw many items similar to the ones in the the tent, and two other blue beings. One was just slightly taller than the being that brought me in, the other was about as tall as me. The taller one caught my eye with they’re golden mask. The turaga, with a light voice, began to speak: “You must have many questions. Go ahead, ask anything.”. I moved forwards, completely entering the building. “Okay, where am I? Who are the villagers all around me? Who am I?”

“You are one of the nine toa who have appeared on our island home. The beings all around you are known as the matoran.”. I began to scratch the top of my head in confusion. The turaga must have noticed because she gestured me to the larger being. “This is Ceva, toa of psionics. She will help you with anything else you might need.”.

Ceva began to exit, grabbing my wrist and taking me with her. While walking, we began to converse. She seemed to be level headed, but not one to change her opinion. She talks with a strong, unbreakable voice that makes you want to believe anything that she says. With us being the same gender, it made it easier to get along. There are six villages and nine toa. It’s the toa’s job to protect these villages. There is a curse over the land that makes the water rise. It is our duty to find out how to stop the curse and save the island. At least, that’s what Ceva said. For now, I just need to find a weapon, and discover the power that lurks within me.

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Some grammatical suggestions:

When having characters conversate, you should have each line of conversation be spaced.

For example:

“Okay, where am I? Who are the villagers all around me? Who am I?”. “You are one of the nine toa who have appeared on our island home. The beings all around you are known as the matoran.”

This needs to be a bit spaced out. Like this:

“Okay, where am I? Who are the villagers all around me? Who am I?”

“You are one of the nine toa who have appeared on our island home. The beings all around you are known as the matoran.”

If you separate this, it makes it easier for the reader to read it, and extends the chapter so it looks bigger.

Also, I noticed you put a period after a quotation mark.

There's no need to do that. The quotation mark is fine as a sentence ender.

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Thanks! Hopefully I fixed everything.

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That was a good improvement from the first draft.

This does seem to be out of place. I don't quite think it is necessary to say. Show, don't tell. :wink:

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Nice! and @Chronicler I tend to have the same problems...so thanks?

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