The Chronicles of Black-Six (Parody)

As told by 4chan (but made SFW)
This is a joke people, please don’t take this in poor taste.

Be 15
Bionicle was a big thing when I was growing up
Went on BZPower every day to check up on the latest Bionicle news
Hear about the white metal Krana Kal and sterling silver Krana Kal being randomly inserted into each Bohrok Kal
Know that finding one would pretty much make me the envy of all my friends
On my birthday I ask my parents to take me to Target
Go to the Lego aisle
While there see this teen with big ears and a bad haircut
He’s literally picking up every Bohrok canister, looking through the bottom, shaking it, looking again, etc
I think it’s kind of weird but okay
Want to get a Bohrok Kal but he’s blocking the way
Don’t want to be rude, ask him his name
He says it without even looking away from the canisters
After a solid 20 minutes, he apparently finds what he’s looking for
I know this because he’s all giddy and jumping around
He starts, I kid you not, DANCING in the middle of the Bionicle aisle with a bunch of Bohrok Kal canisters laid around him
He almost slips on one, but saves himself
He looks at me and says “Just like a real toa would do, huh?”
He leaves, practically leaping through the store
I think “that was weird” before grabbing Nuhvok Kal and Lehvak Kal
I pay, we go home, and I open them
No sterling silver or white metal in sight
Feel a bit disappointed but oh well
Go on BZPower later that night
They’re reporting on the WM and SS Krana
Go to the Blogs section
Click on Black Six’s
He’s bragging about how he spent over an hour looking through canisters at Target just to find his 3rd SS Krana
Mentions seeing some scrawny Mexican kid with bad acne in the aisle with him while he was looking

Summer 2006
Currently 18, graduated from HS, can drive myself around now
Have a qt GF who also loves Bionicle
Read about the Inika going on sale on BZPower
Head over to Wal Mart to pick up a few
Go to the Lego aisle
Some guy is there too
Think there’s something familiar about him
He’s picking up every Piraka canister he can find
Pulls out a rubber band and puts it on the Piraka canister so the light-up function stays on
Notice every canister is aglow because they all have rubber bands on them
He looks at me, laughs maniacally, then grabs Matoro Inika before running away
I realize it’s the same kid I saw 3 years ago looking through the Bohrok Kal canisters
Black freakin Six
Wonder how someone like him could be allowed to run a site like BZPower
Whatever, at least I still have the Inik-
Realize he ran off with the last Inika set
Have to settle for Zaktan instead
As I’m going home, I think “At least I still have my beautiful girlfriend to make things better”
Come back to my house
GF is waiting for me there
She’s pregnant
Neither of us have jobs or college degrees yet
I go to build Zaktan to relieve some stress
The light-up eyes feature on him is all burned out

22 years old
GF and I had the kid after all
We currently live in a one bedroom apartment
Managed to get a degree in basic electrical
Working as an electrician now
The pay is alright, but my GF is constantly worried that I’ll get zapped to death
Son’s 4th birthday is today
Want him to grow up with Bionicle like I did
Haven’t had time to read BZPower or anything Bionicle related in all those years
Take him to TRU to buy him a present
Go to the Lego aisle as I’ve done numerous times before
Look for Bionicle
There’s none left
Hear my son crying
Turn around
Black freakin Six is there
He’s holding 6 canisters in his arms
He dangles each one in front of my son, mocking him because he has the last ones
He sees me
Says to me “Maybe you should buy that baby something in his AGE RANGE! SUCKER!”
Sticks his tongue out at me and wipes his butt with the green canister
He runs out the store without stopping at the register, laughing the entire time
See him get into an old bent-up '71 Ford Pinto with scratches all over the framing
Ask the cashier about him
She tells me he paid for it hours ago, but he stuck around the store all day just to laugh at people
Have to buy my son Hero Factory instead
Go home to have dinner with my wonderful family
See a note
It’s from my wife
“Anon: I’m leaving you. I just can’t keep living like this, worrying about whether my husband is going to come back home alive or fried to a crisp. Goodbye. P.S I’m leaving Anon Jr with you”
All I can do is stare at the note, wondering what the heck just happened
Go on BZPower with the open Wi-Fi my apartment has
“Oh well, at least I have Bionicle to lead me through these tough time-”
See this story:
“…we are writing to tell you that the six BIONICLE Stars launching in January will be the last BIONICLE sets for the foreseeable future”
Son starts crying because Jimi Stringer’s arm joint cracked when he tried putting it on

Bionicle has been ogre for 3 years now
My son is now 7 years old
Things have been tough ever since my GF left me, but we get by
Looking through my old collection of Bionicle
Had to sell most of them to pay bills
All I have left are Onua Mata, Zaktan, and a full set of Onua’s masks
Onua has been my favorite set since day 1, mostly because he was my first set and I never took him apart
No one would buy Zaktan because of his dead light-up eyes, so I let my son play with him
Son’s birthday is soon
Want to get him a present but don’t have any money
Trying to decide what to do
Decide I have to put my child’s happiness before my own
Put Onua + all his masks up on ebay
No one is buying
Think no one will buy him
Get a message 2 hours before bid is set to end
Some guy named AndrewM wants to buy Onua + all his masks for 60 bucks
I try to haggle for more
He reduces his offer to 50
Desperate for some cash, so I give in
Before I send Onua away I make sure to give him one last hug goodbye
Son’s birthday is 1 week away
Still don’t have the money AndrewM promised me
Son’s birthday comes up, still no money
Have to break the news to my son
He’s sad, but just accepts it
I feel bad and promise to make it up to him someday
Go on BZPower to reminisce about the good old days
See a news story about old sets for sale
“Written by AndrewM”
Click the link
It’s my freakin Onua, except no masks (Not even his black Pakari)
Starting bid is 60 bucks
“Come on, no one would buy a toy for that muc-”
Watch as bid keeps going up
65, then 70, then 80
Read the talkback topic
Posted by Black Six
Everyone in the thread is sucking up for a chance at Onua
He finally sells it for 120$ USD
Later on his blog he posts a pic of his completed Kanohi collection

Go to see the Lego movie
Get to the part where WyldStyle is explaining all the different worlds
Bionicle appears on the screen for half a second
Suddenly the movie stops
People are confused
Some guy at the front of the theater stands up
Black freakin Six
He’s holding the manager at gunpoint
Demands they go back to the .5 second cameo of Bionicle and play it again
They do
He demands they do it again
Keeps making the people in the booth replay that one part again and again nonstop
Doesn’t allow anyone to leave
Pulls out a megaphone and talks into it
Says whoever can answer his Bionicle trivia questions correctly can leave
Tfw I was the only one who was allowed to leave because I got them all right

All alone
37 years old
Don’t even have my Bionicle sets to cheer me up
90% of all websites were taken down thanks to the Homepage Underscore Neutrality Act
Decide to see if anything Bionicle related is still up
Search “BZPower”
No results
Search “4chan”
“ERROR: The search results you are trying to reach have been deemed suspicious by the authority of the United States Government. A SWAT team has been dispatched to your home.”
At that exact moment my door BURSTS open
SWAT team apprehends me, arrests me
Jury decides that I was looking up how to make a bomb to kill black orphans
I get sentenced to 10 years in prison
Think “At least it won’t get any wors-”
See my roommate
Yep, Black freakin Six
Tells me he got arrested for attacking a 10 year old after they said Bionicle sucked
Don’t think it could possibly get any worse
He reaches into his pillowcase and pulls something out
It’s that freakin Zaktan
Don’t even ask how he smuggled it in
Every day he keeps playing with it whenever the guards are gone
Rather than just pose it, he actually makes Zaktan fly, complete with Woosh sound effects
He’ll keep pressing down on the eyes, despite the fact that the light-up function burnt out long ago
At night, he asks me random questions pertaining to Bionicle
Whenever he senses that I’m about to fall asleep, he violently rocks the bed until he’s sure that I’m awake again
He does it every night until 2am, when he finally crashes
He actually sleeps with Zaktan like it’s a teddy bear
Spend every waking moment contemplating how to end my life with only a toothbrush and a toilet

Get into an accident and become disabled
Confined to a wheelchair
No longer able to go to my job as a mountain inspector
Start buying Lego minifigures to fill the void
The more I buy, the happier I become
Soon I have an almost complete collection
All I’m missing is Mr Gold
Know for a fact how exclusive he is, but I vow to find him
Go to Wal Mart every week
Spend all my money on minifigure packs
As I’m buying all of them one day I realize there’s a presence behind me
Turn around
Black Six is there
He’s holding a minifigure bag
He laughs maniacally as he opens the bag
Mr Fudging Gold
I’m in shock
B6 looks at me
“You want it? Catch me!”
He runs (Literally BOLTS) down the aisle, laughing the whole time
I just sit there
Go to pay for the bags I have
Open them all on the spot
No Mr Gold
Go back to my car
Find the words “LOL CRIPPLE” scratched into it
B6 is there
He pulls the legs off of Mr Gold and says “Now he’s just like you! He can’t walk!”
I sit there crying while B6 dances around me

At the store buying groceries
Suddenly B6 walks up to me
He squats down, looks me dead in the eyes, and takes a fat dump in the middle of the milk aisle
Pulls his pants up and leaves without saying a word
Few minutes later he comes back with a manager
Tells him how I just took a dump in the middle of the milk aisle and didn’t even apologize
Get banned from Albertson’s for life
Later when I get home I find my front lawn covered in turds
They all spell out the words “BLACK SIX”


What. The. Heck. 4Chan constantly disappoints me.


Aw man hardest I’ve laughed today.

I would recommend quickly editing the f-bomb at the Mr. Gold part.


I believed this for most of the story


Then you remembered 2025 hasn’t happened yet. Also that this is 4Chan.


It should’ve had his girlfriend leave him for B6. Otherwise, pretty funny, though I hope no one from BZP gets the wrong idea.


Crap I missed that, thanks Eljay for getting rid of it for me

I laughed so hard for the past 2 minutes.


What did I just read.

1 Like

I do not know…but I lol’ed…so it wroked.

I don’t even.

BZP y?