Hutere looked at the blank piece of paper. He sighed and began to write. Thalia I am so sorry, but I have to go. There is nothing but sorrow and regret in this village for me, and I can’t not see Oronix’s face when wherever I look. I fear that this self loathing will tear me apart, and I cannot have that. The truth of the matter is that no matter how many honours I receive, how many promotions to a new highest rank, I will never fully forgive myself, though everyone has forgiven me. My greatest hope is to one day return, but I don’t know if that is possible anymore. I’m being torn apart, and I need some time. And I know you’ll think It’s because of you, but it isn’t. You were the only thing keeping me from leaving for so long. I love you, Hutere
Hutere cast a sad glance once again at the paper, now fully written. He stays in that pose for an hour. Then he finally takes off his Miru, and picks up a new mask.
A Zatth.
He puts it on, then walks out the door. He leaves the letter on the doorstep.
He walks out of the village, then into the jungle.
“Goodbye.”
So I’m trying to improve my writing. Criticize (constructively) away.
This sentence sticks out like a sore thumb. Also, not every sentence needs to be a new paragraph. It kinda makes me feel like I’m reading something on Tumblr.
If you’d like, I can do a line-by-line edit/critique. That’s what I do with my own writing, and it helps tremendously–but it can also be very daunting.
However, more broadly, this scene works well. You’ve clearly got a good command of the basics, and you’ve set the scene up nicely. You do switch tenses a bit, which is something I’d recommend you try and work on. I always recommend to anyone who’s starting out or trying to get a feel for writing to just stick to third person past tense, as it’s the easiest and most intuitive POV/tense.
The most significant piece of advice I would give is that when you have a conceit, go all-in on it; if this guy is supposed to be filled with sorrow and regret, don’t mention that everyone else has forgiven him or whatever (as much as you might want to preserve your character’s dignity/honour/etc., you can do that later). There’s also some word choice I would recommend: for instance, ending with “Goodbye.” rather than “Bye.” is stronger.
Purposeful double post for updates. #Chapter Two: Vor í Vágláskogí
Hutere walked on. And on, and on.
He didn’t know when to stop, where. He thought or the village, the villagers, and hoped they didn’t hate him for leaving. He tries to think of something else, but then he saw the sun was setting, so he sett up camp next to a stream, and under a relatively dry tree.
When he awoke, he packed up his supplies and went hunting for something to eat, thinking it immortal to simply summon something with his mask. He eventually trapped a couple fish and cooked them to eat. They tasted mediocre.
He walked on, and stopped again around three in the afternoon, because he heard something in the woods. He cautiously approached the sound, nervous, due to the fact this forest was mostly uncharted. After searching for about an hour, he considers the possibility he isn’t the hunter, and, in fact, he is the prey.
He is correct, to a degree, and soon finds himself unconscious on the ground.
When he awoke again, he was mask to mask with a tall figure.
“What are you doing in these forsaken woods, Toa?” He said.
Hutere notices he’s tied by his wrists to a tree. “Travelling. You?”
“You’re lying.”
“Not really.” Hutere said. “I came-”
“No. You’re here because you want to be alone. I see it in your eyes.” The figure says. As he said this, the figure moved back, and Hutere got his first good look at him. He was very tall, as Hutere had noted before, but he also was strange in other ways. He had gold and black armour, and a mask with two long prongs, like a crown, but the face of the mask was, well, a face. But the two strangest things were a bit more obvious. He had four arms, and wings. “You shouldn’t stare, as strange as I may look.”
"I wa- forget it. But what do you mean by “the look in my eyes?”
“It’s the same look that was in mine when I came here.” The figure said.
“What happened?” Hutere asked.
“A story for another time, perhaps, or never.” The figure says. “I imagine you don’t want to speak of whatever it was that happened to you.”
Hutere thought of Oronix, and what he did to him. “True.”
“I thought so.” The figure says.
“Could you untie me?” Hutere asked.
“Oh, of course. I needed to make sure you weren’t going to kill me. Trust me, if you’d been here as long as I have, you would’ve done the same.” He came over and cut the ropes with Hutere’s Katana, Vridning, and then returned it. “My name is Vor í Vágláskogí. You can call me Vor.”
“Hutere Faolin. Good to meet you, I suppose.”
#Chapter Three: Strange Company, Stranger Circumstances
Hutere and Vor had become friends at this point, living in the forest together for about a week, not having done anything. Hutere decides to go exploring one day, and thus, they did.
“Where do you wanna go?” Vor asks.
“Same direction I was going before.”
“Ah.”
The two walked and talked about trivial things for a while, then Vor sees something, and he pulls Hutere down. Over a slight ridge, there was a camp. But not a camp of villagers.
“Skull Raiders…” Hutere growled. “We should take them down.”
“Um… you do realize they outnumber us a hundred to one, right?” Vor questions.
“Doesn’t matter.” Hutere snarled at the Skull Raiders. “We can take them, and these scum should be destroyed.”
“I’ve never seen you like this…”
“Skull Raiders are despicable, terrible, awful beings who don’t deserve to live.”
“Um, ok?”
“Their clans of raiders are all terrible. Every clan is worse than the last. I hate them.”
“We really should get back to our camp.” Vor suggested.
Suddenly a horn rings out in the camp, and they see a figure which Hutere had hoped never to see again. He lunged, but Vor caught him.
“Who is that?” Vor insists.
“Someone who deserves to die.”
“Ooooooookaaaay. We really need to…”
Then they both saw it. A partially constructed Airship, with enough firepower to destroy an entire Island.
“OK, we can go.” Hutere said.
When they get back, Hutere sat down.
“Who was that guy?” Vor asks. “A skull raider chief I thought had died.”
“There’s a big story you aren’t telling me.”
“Fine. Let’s start at the beginning.”
Hutere remembered to a year before.
It was a beautiful day, and Hutere and Thalia were training young Okotans in self defense.
A bustle in the outskirts drew Hutere away. “Keep training them, I’ll be right back.” Hutere said to Thalia.
Thalia gave thumbs up.
Hutere walks to the commotion and sees a cloaked man in the centre.
“STOP CROWDING HIM, PEOPLE!”
The people immediately stop crowding him. The stranger, just slightly shorter than Hutere, walks up to him, and takes off his cloak, revealing ornate maroon armour, and an elegant, yet intimidating mask.
“Who are you?” Hutere inquires.
“Oronix, Toa of no Element.”
“That’s all for now, Vor. We have to plan our attack.”
“B-But now I have more questions!”
“Yeah, pretty much.”
Vor sighs, and they begin planning their attack.
