That idea of “Whatever I am I don’t want to be a man” is something I definitely get. Even in my year of denial I still strongly disliked thinking of myself as a man in any meaningful way.
I definitely get that. One thing I’ve learned a lot is that there’s a million different ways to be trans or even just to be a woman. And none of them are any more or less valid than any other. Even as I’m becoming more confident in myself, I still intend on keeping to my usual casual get up most of the time. Saving the skirts and dresses for wearing at home or the occasional special occasion.
Though that’s largely because I’m not confident enough yet to even try to present feminine in public. Despite the fact that I’ve hung out with two different trans-femmes in public and they never got any flack for the way they dressed.
And speaking of doubts, a big one for me was a lack of dysphoria. I never hated my body or anything about it. And that made me think that I was less valid somehow. “Is this really what you want when you’re fine as you are?” But I learned that it’s much more useful to measure yourself by positive feelings like gender euphoria, rather than negative feelings. It’s because of the feelings I get putting on dresses or seeing my face made to look like a woman’s that really reaffirm, this is exactly who I am, and there’s no changing that.
Though ironically as time has gone on and I’ve become more confident in myself, I’ve found myself becoming more and more dysphoric and unsatisfied with my body.
Same here. 100%. That and my body hair in general. It’s a tedious and annoying process to shave off, and grows back like weeds just a few days later. I’m planning on saving up for a hand heald IPL device and just obliterating it all off my body for good.