The Time Before Time - New gut-busting Bionicle parody!

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My favorite parts. I like it!
I was wondering if you were going to resume this. Glad you are, even if only for a few more chapters.

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Hey folks, thank you for reading and commenting! I really appreciate it. :slight_smile: It’s not too early for more, is it?

CHAPTER FOUR: MAKING OUR OWN LAW

“Now THIS is a Toa tool!” Peppau held one of his melon-splitting swords aloft, a melon-splitting grin upon his face. In addition to the Suva, we’d discovered a cache of weapons in the Temple, which it seemed only a Toa could open. No Matoran I knew could have chewed through the lock.

Naturally, Peppau had called shotgun on the first pair of sharp pointy things that were found. The others picked out their armaments in turn. Fruju selected a pair of heavy Spiked Popsicles, ideal for climbing ice-cream slopes. Munchu got rock-hard Gingernut Drills, able to bore into any type of cookie (unless they got wet). Noka grabbed two of the largest water pistols I’d ever seen; she was delighted to see they were pre-loaded with pressurized soda. Lindta chose a set of Licorice Pitons and proceeded to eat half of them, before remembering they might be useful against the Vahki. Each one was tipped with a triangular head like a piece of Toblerone.

I’d held back all this time, but when my turn came, there were still three options left. A gummi launcher, a jam cannon, a box of Tim Tams well past its ‘best before’ date. Vahki couldn’t eat, so the toxic Tim Tams would be useless against them. I also doubted the capabilities of a jam cannon, especially this one, as it said “Made in Xia.” That left me with a splendid gummi launcher, a tool for the truly skilled Toa. Any squishy lolly smaller than a Kanougat Disk could be fired from it with extraordinary velocity. Being from Ta-Metru, I had a ready supply of ammo in my satchel.

“Alright,” said Munchu, “I’ve had a look outside to assess the situation. The police have us surrounded and they’re all charging up their whack-sticks as we speak. That means it’s too late for negotiation. For some reason they mean to arrest us… nobody did anything illegal on the way here, did they?”

“Does turning into a Toa count as illegal?” asked Lindta.

“According to the Fortuitous Transformations Act 1010 BTN, it is against the law for any citizen to have their appearance altered for the benefit, or otherwise, of the city of Metru Nui. Also we’re kinda in a heritage site.” Noka pointed to the faded sign left at the door for tourists.

“For crying out loud, that law is ten years old! Surely Jeeve-Ahn would have known about it!” said Peppau.

“He did know,” I replied. “I believe this is a test for us. He needs competent Toa to protect the city and if we can’t even get past Vahki, what good are we? We’ll just have to worry about the consequences later.”

“Okay then… SMASH STUFF!!”

Units of the Vahki police are programmed to respond to movement, so a giant chocolate chip flying across the moat didn’t go unnoticed. Just before it struck one of the Vahki, a silver whack-stick was raised and an electrical bolt fired. The choc chip was reduced to a charred crumb. No harm done, or so it seemed. But once discharged, a whack-stick takes time to power up again.

Time was something Noka never gave her enemies. Without warning (except for “Look out scumbags!”) she shot up out of the moatwater, pistols firing. High-pressure soda splattered all over the robot’s armour and seeped into its circuits. Fuses exploded and it began to emit smoke. Since smoking was illegal in Metru Nui, the others closed in and attacked it instead of Noka. It raised its whack-stick in an attempt to fight back, but suddenly lost control of its arm and smacked itself in the head. The Vahki collapsed and a shower of sparks flew up. Noka laughed like a maniac.

Police on either side of her were closing in, ready to shoot. As Noka wasn’t a fan of being electrocuted, she signalled her companions. “GET YOUR HINIES OVER HERE!”

I’d laid a range of gummies before myself and tried launching one of them. It shot across like a rocket, striking a Vahki directly in the head – and bounced off. My target didn’t even register the attack.

“Come on, a gummi launcher? Why didn’t you take that jam cannon?” demanded Peppau. He was standing in the door, the other three men sprinting into action.

“Well for one thing, it said “Made in Xia”.”

His mouth dropped open and his eyes bulged like a pair of muffins in the oven. “WHAT?! All the best equipment comes from Xia! You fruitcake!”

“Fine, I’ll give it a try.”

“Good! I think our new friends could use some help.” He gave some kind of war cry and charged into the open, leaving me to re-open the cache and swap weapons.

I’d never considered the M4-DK jam cannon as an effective device against robots, or indeed anything. But if Peppau was right about the Xian thing, maybe it would surprise me. Again I aimed through the doorway. All potential targets were running now, but I knew I could compensate for a moving target. I fired again and…

Next thing I remember was disentangling myself from the remains of the Suva. Obviously the Xian military could handle a lot more recoil than I. Grumbling and cursing, I endeavoured to swap back to the gummi launcher, hoping it would work as a melee weapon. Then somebody shouted “HOLY MACARONI” and I ran to the doorway to see what had happened.

At first I had no idea what I was seeing. Noka and the others were standing around a translucent red blob, which appeared to contain several struggling Vahki. With caution I stepped out onto the drawpole. The blob almost looked like… jam!

“What did I tell you, huh?” Peppau laughed even as the sound of more buzzing whack-sticks hit his ears. “All the best stuff comes from Xia! Now come over and give us a hand, pip-spitter.”

Peppau whirled his swords like an expert ninja, managing to hit everything except the Vahki. He was still having trouble adjusting to his new self. Lindta lent a hand, extending one of his pitons as far as it went and swinging it around his head. It caught on one Vahki and dragged it around in a circle. This one tried firing its whack-stick but was flung into the moat with a splash. When it discharged, a strangely appetizing sizzle came from the drink, then an explosion.

“Thanks buddy. I knew I could count on you!” said Peppau.

“Don’t be too optimistic, you wintergreen freak.” Lindta readied another piton for the next assault. His “buddy” decided to ignore his remark and check on how the others were doing.

I’d edged about half-way along the drawpole and could see more police approaching from both sides. They were surrounding Noka, Munchu and Fruju and it looked like they needed help. This time I took aim and braced the cannon solidly against my shoulder. It made no difference. While my jam shot was spot-on, my temporary aviation ability left no chance to celebrate.

Munchu dropped down and powered up his Drills, ramming them into the ground. Cookie shards were propelled in all directions and shockwaves blasted the remaining Vahki. They were confused by the shaking and reverted to their quadrupedal forms to stay standing. In this form they couldn’t electrocute with their whack-sticks, which Fruju used to his advantage. As the shockwaves subsided, he charged forward and smacked as many as he could. His Spiked Popsicles sent them tumbling into my sticky jam trap.

Noka watched him and didn’t even see a twitch on Fruju’s face. “Uh… yeah babe! Keep it up!”

“Hey, where’s Banana?” asked Munchu.

In the interim I’d fired again in mid-air in an attempt to direct myself toward my allies, rather than into the fizzy doom again. This technique had been effective; not only was the jam cannon ideal for pwning the police, it was also an aerodynamic aid. But since I wasn’t a Le-Matoran, I didn’t like anything that involved aerodynamics. Upon my meeting with solid earth, I questioned whether we’d destroy the Vahki or ourselves first.

“What’s the situation, hun?” asked Noka as she wiped dirt and cookie crumbs off my armour.

“Lots more on the way. Weapons working scarily well. Dirt in my mouth…”

“I meant your relationship situation.”

“I’m single, but I don’t see how that’s relevant.”

“Oh, it’s relevant.” She gave me another of those winks. “Okay boys, time to pack up! We’re getting’ our hinies outta here!”

I still wasn’t sure what Noka meant by these remarks, but I was starting to get the impression she maybe liked me. In any case, we had to get away from the Temple and back to- “Hang on, where are we going?”

“What do you mean?” Lindta was running over to me.

“Where do we run to? We got to the Temple alright, but what is our objective now? Can’t just beat up police forever and expect to be rewarded for it.”

“Noooo… what was it Jeevie said in his message?”

“Copyright Toa Jeeve-Ahn,” said Munchu helpfully.

“No, before that.”

“He said-” I began, but my mouth froze. Lindta’s face was morphing into that of a small girl and it was starting to rain pink. Once again a herd of rhino-Rahi stampeded across the landscape, diving into a big blender already filled with evil blueberries. Jeeve-Ahn somersaulted out the top of the blender, again wearing his brilliant Toa armour.

“Time is short!” he cried. “You must find the Great Disks. There is one hidden in each district. Seek out the unfamiliar in the familiar! Do not delay! And DO NOT LOSE MY HOVERBOARD! Bye now.”

Our saviour disappeared from my sight, to be replaced by the concerned face of Peppau. He was shaking me from side to side and calling my name. I slapped him and he let go of me. For a moment I stood there, trying to peer through the mist, listening for enemies. No more Vahki could I see or hear.

“Um, Banana?”

“Yes, Peppau?”

“WHAT WAS THAT?!!? YOU COMPLETELY SPAZZED OUT ON US!!”

“Sorry, I was having a vision. It was Jeeve-Ahn! He told me to find the ‘Great Disks’… to seek out the unfamiliar in the familiar… and… Oh crud, where’s his hoverboard?!”

“It’s right here,” said Munchu. It was sitting in his hands, the glowing edges indicating it had just landed there.

“Well,” said Lindta, “sounds like somebody’s been spending too much time in front of their forge.”

“Who?”

“YOU, you imbecile! Now stop daydreaming so we can get the heck away from here!”

“Hey!” shouted Noka. “Okay, so he did look like a ■■■■■ just then. But if what Banana saw was a real vision, not just drug overdose, we can’t afford to ignore it. It seems Marshy Mallow has commanded us to find these Great Kanougat Disks and use them to prove our awesomeness as Toa.”

“According to Wikipedia, one of the Disks is hidden in each district,” added Munchu, “so that bit sounds right. As for the ‘unfamiliar in the familiar’ part, I’m not sure what that might mean.”

“It means we have a little exploring to do!” said Peppau.

“Oooh, I like exploring. Wanna come exploring with me, handsome?” Noka asked him. Yet another wink.

“No thanks, I think I can handle Le-Metru on my own. Even with the Vahki stirred up. There was this one time, I was late for work, and a whole-”

“Speaking of Vahki,” said Lindta, “I think I hear more of them coming, so can we just MOVE?!”

That’s exactly what we did, agreeing to split up and use our newfound Toa powers to find these legendary Disks. My first thought was to look around in the shower cubicle of fellow maskmaker Noodli; from his perspective it would be ‘unfamiliar within the familiar.’ But I suspected the answer to such a cryptic clue wouldn’t be so obvious. As we fled from the police, our path shrouded in mist, I wondered how so much could be cast into mystery in so little time.

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CHAPTER FIVE, PART ONE: THE QUEST FOR THE GREAT KANOUGAT DISKS

Noodli was normally absent on Sundays, organizing the next social akilini match, doing his weekly shopping and such. So both of us got a shock when I saw him enter his bathroom and he, torch in hand, found a Toa of Fruit investigating his shower. For a few seconds he watched me in silence. Then he recognized me, to my despair. “Hey, you’re Banana! I’ve been looking everywhere for you!”

“Uh… hi, Noodli. How’re you doing?”

“Spare me the pleasantries! I’ve been wanting to ask you what the heck Turaga Nom came to see you for.” He put his hands on his hips and thrust his face up at mine. He didn’t look happy to see me. Ever since I’d beaten him in that chilli-chugging contest, Noodli had acted this way.

I detected the smell of smoke and spotted a trail of said substance rising from behind my old acquaintance. “I think you’re burning your towel.”

“Well I think you-” He sniffed. “Oh koliballs! Stupid torch doesn’t switch off when it’s supposed to…”

“As for Turaga Nom, I’d be delighted if he paid me a visit. But I haven’t seen him.”

“Well he dropped in yesterday, asking where your office was. Said he had some special favour to ask you, involving a mask. Well? Why does the Turaga come to you for everything? Everybody knows I’m the best maskmaker in Metru Nui!”

“Your towel is burning.”

There came another shout of “Koliballs!” and Noodli flapped his arms around, trying to slap the flames away. If Jeeve-Ahn were there, he could have used his hidden Toa power to douse them in an instant. Wait… who needed Jeeve-Ahn? There was a new Toa in Ta-Metru!

My hands outstretched, I concentrated all my willpower into the task of creating the moistest of fruits and launching it at the blaze. To my amazement, a bloated watermelon began to materialize before me. The gifts granted to me by Marshy Mallow were indeed powerful. But I’d forgotten to tell Noodli to stand aside, so when the object shot out of my reach, I could only watch in horror as it splattered all over him. Ripe chunks flew all over the room, propelled by an explosion of reddish juice.

“Banana, you-”

“Your towel is no longer burning.”

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE ANYWAY?!!? DON’T YOU HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO DO?!!?”

“Well Noodli, I…” This required some quick thinking. I’d decided to check his shower after all, but no sign of a Great Disk had I uncovered. I considered recommending a plumber to him, but if he knew what I’d been doing he’d just get madder. “I could use your help. I am looking for the Great Disk of Ta-Metru.”

“YOU WANT MY HELP?!!?”

“Well, yes.”

“Oh, okay then. You came to the right place.” His tone changed completely and I suspected he was coming down from a lunch-time sugar rush. “You see, Banana, just after Turaga Nom spoke to me yesterday, I was sent to the protodermis recycling centre. This Po-Matoran wanted some broken masks to decorate one of his statues with, but he couldn’t afford it with widgets. We made a deal and I agreed to get the scrap for him.”

“What did he give you in return?”

Noodli cleared his throat and directed me out of the bathroom. His living space was rather boring-looking, just a standard Matoran hut, save for a massive bookshelf filled with what appeared to be DVDs. “Only all ten seasons of Seinfeld! You see, us maskmakers can always get the best deals. Anyway, while at the recycling centre I found this strange Kanougat Disk. It was so shiny! And as I looked it over, I couldn’t find any sign of damage at all. There was no reason why it should have been recycled. Then I saw the code on the back, it had a power level of 42!”

“Holy macaroni! Toa Munchu said that power level is only possible with a Great Disk.” When I mentioned my comrade’s name, Noodli gave me a confused look. “He is the new Toa of Cookies. There are six of us.”

“Well that’s good, without Jeevie around, a whole team of you would be appreciated.”

“Could you please go and get this Disk for me? They won’t let me into the recycling centre looking like this.” I didn’t wish to scare him with the information that a squad of Vahki was probably after me, like Ko-Matoran pursuing a rolling ball of ice-cream.

“Well…”

“I will pay you with the first three seasons of Game of Thrones.”

“Then you got a deal, buddy! See you soon.”

He skipped out of his home, leaving me to make plans. I hoped he’d be in the same mood when we next met. I suspected not, if he discovered what I already knew: there were only nine seasons of Seinfeld.

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CHAPTER FIVE, PART TWO: THE FORTUITOUS TRANSFORMATIONS ACT

“What do you mean you can’t let me in for free? I WORK HERE!” Munchu wanted to throttle the man in the main ticket booth of the Onu-Metru Museum. They’d been arguing for ten minutes in front of a crowd of startled Matoran. It wasn’t every day that a Toa tried to wriggle his way past the entry fee.

“If you don’t have a valid staff ID, I can’t let you through. Okay?”

“But my ID is perfectly valid, look! It doesn’t expire for another three months!”

“But it doesn’t look like you!”

“THAT’S BECAUSE I’M A TOA NOW!!” His patience was running out. Finally Munchu relented, his hand moving to his satchel. “How much is the fee?”

“Fifteen widgets and a hug.”

“Fine…” He embraced the attendant with less enthusiasm than a jar of gherkins. A faint smell of cooties did nothing to elevate his mood. Then he laid fifteen widgets out on the desk and marched into the Museum. Widgets were the primary currency in Metru Nui, salty rounded objects harvested from a secret location in Le-Metru. Tempting though it was to eat them, doing so would earn a visit from the Vahki. That was their idea of a self-control test.

The Toa of Cookies did his best to fit in as he made his way to the staff area. His new armour was bulky and shiny, two characteristics easily noticed by the typical villager. Those who had before been gazing upon exotic foods in glass cases were transfixed by Munchu’s powerful form. He gave up on trying to fit in and made a dash for his old office door. It was tucked away under a staircase leading to the attic, which hid him from the view of Ticket Guy.

“Now, where is that key?” While rummaging through his satchel, he discovered many things that weren’t keys. Spare parts for his Gingernut Drills, a Toa-grade polishing kit, his vast collection of pull-tabs from ginger beer bottles. Right at the bottom was the dusty office key. Munchu fished it out and was delighted to see it still fitted in the lock. Although it would have been easy, he hadn’t wanted to bash the door down with his fists.

Between the door and a vat of cookie dough sat his desk. Within the top drawer of said desk was the item he required, a map of the vast subterranean levels of the Museum. It showed those areas below the public levels, places where exhibits too foul-tasting or even toxic were stored. Somewhere in this network could be found a specimen of every foodstuff ever discovered. It was also a great place to stash a Great Disk.

Munchu rolled up the map and carried it outside. He was careful to lock the door and not let his new gauntlets scratch its surface. But when he looked back at Ticket Guy’s booth, he realized things were about to get very rough. Several Vahki police were waiting for him at the entrance, their whack-sticks sizzling with energy.

“That’s the one! Get him!” Ticket Guy’s pointing finger looked like the barrel of a potato gun. Without hesitation the Vahki all fired at Munchu, forcing him to call upon his elemental power. There was a flash of bright black light, then something round and brownish spun toward the police squad. It shattered as their electrical bolts pounded its baked surface, each shard continuing on its flight with deadly velocity. One second later, none of the Vahki remained standing. They were blanketed in cookie crumbs, originating from a biscuit the size of an Ussal cart wheel.

“Sorry guys, I have a job to do and those police are only delaying me. Could you do your new Toa a favour and not call any more of them?”

None of the assembled Matoran responded, but they were all staring at the remnants of the giant cookie. Ticket Guy had a piece in his hands and he proclaimed, “Marshy Mallow, this is delicious! He truly is a great Toa!” The others closed in, keen for a bite of the unbranded biscuit.

“Thanks everybody. See you all later!” Munchu walked out into the streets, leaving the villagers to squabble over the biggest bites. It was time to start the search.