#Chaper One
Winter looked at the book he was supposed to be studying from and sighed. His candle had long since burned out, worse his book was only fifteen pages in. He was smart, and he liked reading, but his assignments were so boring, and he was sure his teachers set him the biggest books they could find. The Librarian limped over, he was an old man who walks among the shelves muttering about his days in the army, threatening anyone who borrows a book to bring it back in the same condition or better. “Ahh Winter have you had no luck?” His voice came as a rasp through his mask beaten as it was over the years
“No sir I have not” he said “Even the bloodiest wars seem boring with how this person writes.” The old man shook his head and smiles “Winter it can’t be that hard, I see you reading in here almost everyday, other villagers are outside enjoying fresh air and annoying the rahi, but you read, I’m sure you can read anything”
Winter said nothing he had in fact read most of the fantasy novels in the library, finally he replied “but sir I’m not able to hold interest in what they’re saying”
The Librarian turned and went back to his walk “be sure to bring it back in one piece” he said as he shuffled away. Winter’s knees buckled under the weight of the weight of the book as he slid it off the table, with it safely tucked under one arm he walked out into the fresh air.
Judgement time. Not enough Darth.
0/10.
######/s
Anyway beside a few grammar errors this was a pretty good read.
Will you be posting them all in one topic or in single topics?
Grammar errors? Where!?
This topic only
I was just kidding with you.
Okay good that will be way easier to follow, for me at least.
I haven’t figured out how to introduce him naturally
#Chapter Two
Two things greeted Winter as he stepped outside blinding sunlight, and a wall of noise both made him almost fall down the many steps leading to the library. Thankfully a hand reached out and caught him before that happened, it was his friend Darth. “Thanks” he said as he got his balance “you could have come inside you know”
Darth shook his head. “The librarian terrifies me” his eyes darted to the building as if expecting the old man to come running out and yell at him for loitering. “And I couldn’t leave Spinnak alone.” As if in answer to this Spinnak released another roar. “Well naturally a twelve hand long dragon wouldn’t be safe if left on its own, it might catch a cold.” Winter was trying and failing to suppress his laughter as he said this especially since Spinnak was an ice dragon and therefore was imune to the cold. Getting his laughter under control he managed to say “can you help me with this book? It weighs a tonne.” As they walked the two disscucced their lessons, teachers, and upcoming events. “I hear that there will be a huge feast tomorrow and visitors from all the kingdoms will be arriving here for some huge announcement” Darth told him excitedly. Winter was excited too nothing like this ever happened in the far reaches of the ice kingdom where they lived “I heard the entire village is invited, and the two neighbouring ones.” The discussion of the feast carried on until they reached Winter’s hut, Darth said goodbye and continued on to his own hut, Winter walked inside, and tried to go to sleep
Plenty of Darth 10/10.
Anyway I am looking forward to seeing this “feast”.
This was amazing.
Just waiting on the other winners to let me know the info from the pm the the feast will be next
There is potential for a good story here. There are two main problems that you should weed out first, though:
-Perspective (decide on present-tense or past-tense, the passage flips between them)
-Commas, dashes, and semicolons (include in sentences such as:
otherwise they become fragmented)
Quick conversion here: in the last chapter I used hands as measurement 3 hands =1ft
Interesting. Makes me think it would be interesting to see humanized people living in a a more bionicle world.
This should be separated into two sentences. I recommend a period after “signed”.
So be honest, did you expect this to ever be updated again?
Chapter Three
Winter sat near the village delegates from each region. He had yet to interact with any of them so far, they seem so strange to him. The Jungle Delegates can’t seem to take anything seriously, and are always making quips at everyone else. Meanwhile the Stone delegates attitude’s seem close enough to what he’s used to, but just the slightest bit off.
The Fire Region’s Delegates seem far too interested in being the center of Attention, while most Ice Residents prefer anonymity. The Water Delegates seemed alright, but looked to be a little detached from their surroundings. Lastly the Earth Delegates hadn’t even bothered Interacting with the other regions, instead prefering to remain in their own group. Winter looks down toward the area where the Protectors sat with the Village Leader “You mentioned this particular year being important?” Narmoto was saying to The Village Leader, Vilika. “Yes” she replied breathlessly. “The signs are unmistakable, Melum, the creature of Ice, is approaching our Village!” The Protectors collectively gasp, “Could it be?” Korgot’s tone was unmistakable; pure wonder. Izotor set his hand on Kivoda’s shoulder “Now do you understand why we couldn’t have your regions festival first?” Kivoda shruged him off “Don’t act like you knew this was happening, you were just as surprised as us to hear this.”
“Why would Melum decide to appear for a simple festival?” Narmoto inquired, “Clearly something big is about to happen”
“My thoughts exactly” Vilika agrees, she tries to continue but Vizuna interrupts.
“That Villager with the special mask, who are they? They seem to be paying close attention to our conversation”
Winter tries to duck his head down, but Vilika sees him “That’s Winter, he’s different” her voice drops so low that Winter has to strain his ears to hear it “His tale is best told where none will overhear, even he does not now it.”
Winter tunes their conversation out so he can think on what he’s heard. What did she mean about me not knowing my own story? He pondered, but before he could continue the thought, one of the Fire Delegates taps him on the arm.
“Hello I’m Cepheus, who’re you”
Winter looks at him “I’m Winter, nice to meet you.”
“Likewise, I don’t know why, but I felt like I should introduce myself to you. May I sit down?” Cepheus points to the bench space beside Winter
“Sure I guess” Winter looks at Darth, who is busy feeding Spinnak scraps under the table. Winter carefully moves the dragons tail so Cepheus won’t step on it as he sits down. “So did you want to talk about something?”
“Yeah, I was wondering why you have a different mask from all the other Villagers”
Winter looks at Cepheus’s own mask, a perfect replica of Tahu’s Mask of Fire “Look who’s talking.”
Cepheus laughs “Fair point, I should rephrase my question how did you come by a special mask?”
“I don’t know, I’ve had it for as long as I can remember, how’d you get yours?”
“It was a reward for a great service I did for my Village, you see, there was this group of skull spiders…”
Winter listens raptly as Cepheus describes every detail of his adventure.
Edit @Omega_Tahu figured I should tag you since your character is in it