Too much Pi will give you a large Circumference.
If you’re going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
I went to this restaurant on the moon.
It had no atmosphere.
My title card says I’m empathetic.
Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
Here’s one my friend told me the other day
Dark humor is like food, Not everyone gets it
So a two men were out in the woods hunting. There was a terrible accident and one guy called a doctor after calling 911. The man has no idea what to do while he waits for the paramedics as he thinks his friend might be dead. So the doctor tells him to make sure that his friend is dead first. The doctor hears several gunshots over the phone before the man asks what to do next.
Now that’s a killing joke.
I got some instant water once, but I didn’t know what to add.
This one time a monkey came into my village.
I see it.
I beat it with a stick.
It’s brains come out.
The monkey never come back.
A friend told me that recently.
Who’s a pair of socks’ favorite actor?
I’m sorry, that was bad even for me.
Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog.
You understand it much better, but the frog dies in the process.
Someone said my jokes are quite uplifting
“Okay,” I said, “I’ll use less helium.”
Best Joke…my wallet.
Best joke? Skakdi politics…imagine that.
One day I went to see a therapist for my antisocial behavior. I told him I often said the wrong things without meaning to, which often got people upset. He told me that if I was never sure of what they wanted, I should ask. I said thank you, paid the man, and left.
Later that evening, I’m with a friend at her house. I usually house sit for her while she goes on blind dates. She comes in wearing this incredibly thin dress, you could see every roll of fat on her body. She looks at me, and asks;
“Does this dress make me look fat?”
Now normally I would say yes. But out of concern, I decided to do what the therapist told me to. I looked at my friend, a brief of confidence, and said;
“Depends, are you trying to gain weight?”
The day after, I go back to the therapist for a follow-up appointment. I sit down in the chair across from him and he looks at me. I have one black eye, bandage plugs in my nose, and four missing teeth. He asks me;
“Did you take my advice?”
“Depends, do you want to keep your job?”
That person needs another therapist…
Maybe five more…
Oh I got a really good joke.
What is an artist’s favorite kind of shoes?
Skechers, that’s what.
I once had my life flash before my eyes
I saw nothing