Your Best Jokes

Especially if you go back four seconds.

1 Like

Why do the Daleks eat apples?

Because an apple a day keeps the Doctor away.

end my suffering, please.

6 Likes

I like giant monsters because they're like my will to live.

they both don't exist

4 Likes

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.

10 Likes

I like actual monsters because they're like your will to live.

Smaller than fiction would lead you to believe.

1 Like

I laughed at this more than I should have

2 Likes

Why did Lewa get pulled over?

His rear view Miru was broken.

This next one was created by a friend of mine in the middle of social studies, and I don't know if it's the best or worst joke ever:

Why can't you wear two monocles?

It'd be Bionicle.

10 Likes

this one

freakin' this one

it's gr8

6 Likes

You know what I hate about sea animal jokes?

I can never seem to do them on porpoise.

1 Like

Alright, this is about as good as it gets.

A snail arrives at an auto body shop to get his car painted.

"So I have this car, and I'd like you to paint it bright red, and with a giant "S" on the side."

The attendant pauses, stares at the snail, and says "Is this because you're a snail? Is that why you want an 'S'?

The snail shakes his head. "Oh no, of course not. I just want to be driving down the street in my flashy red car, listening to the passerby say "Whoa! Look at that 'S' car go!"

"S" car go... Escargot

8 Likes

The first rule of jokes is "Don't explain the joke, explaining it makes it less funny," regardless, you have quite the humerus pun.

1 Like

Thanks man, and yeah, I'm aware of the drop in humor due to explaining it. To be honest, I was a little worried that people wouldn't get the joke.

Assuming that that was intentional, not bad.

More jokes...

What do you call a guy who get others into tricky situations cause he's bending the truth?

A dire liar.

What do you call a pill that helps you dance better?

A prancer's enhancers

What do you call a reclusive predator?

A redditor.

Just a joke. Reddit is great.

This topic.

:imp:

i mean i guess?

Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog, you understand it better, but the frog dies in the process.

2 Likes

Hickory, dickory, dock.
Two mice ran up the clock.
The clock struck one,
But the other one was only miniorly injured,
Hickory, dickory, dock.[

1 Like

What do you call a psychic dwarf that's escaped from prison?

A small medium at large.

9 Likes

I think I may have posted this here a while ago (or maybe in a different topic), but autocorrect ruined the whole thing and I didn't notice until way later. Anyways, I know one that's actually somewhat funny. So one day, I was on a canoe trip with some friends, and we were looking for a nearby dam and one of my friends asked, "How come they didn't put a dam here?". My response was "Because they didn't have one to give!"

8 Likes

Massive pun below:

Orchestral Pun.

A couple of years ago, the Houston Symphony was doing Beethoven's Ninth under the baton of Milton Batter at a special post-season fundraiser concert. Graf Hilsenrod, an old friend of the maestro's, was visiting from Europe and was in attendence, and just prior to the concert had gorged himself on a vast multi-course meal of southwestern delights.

On this particular extraordinary day in late June the outside temperature had already climbed into the triple digits, and the hall they were playing in was quite old and stuffy and had large ceiling fans rather than a more modern air conditioning system. Maestro Batter insisted that the fans not be turned on during the performance so that the music could be heard in all its splendor, in spite of the climbing temperatures. Knowing how this might affect him, the maestro had a carafe of cold water placed by his stand so that he could refresh himself during the performance. At this point, you must understand two things:

  1. Bass players hate playing Beethoven's Ninth. There's a long segment in the middle where they don't have a thing to do... not a single note, page after page!
  2. There's a tavern right across the street, rather favored by local musicians when the temperatures headed north as they often do in Houston.

It had been decided that during this performance, after the bass players had played their parts in the opening of the Ninth, they were to quietly lay down their instruments and leave the stage, rather than sit on their stools looking and feeling dumb for twenty minutes. Well, of course, once they got backstage, someone suggested that they trot across the street and have a few brews.

They had quickly downed the first couple rounds when one said, "Shouldn't we be getting back? It'd be awfully embarassing if we were late."

Another (presumably the same one who'd suggested this excursion in the first place) replied, "Oh, I figured we could use a little more time, so I tied a string around the last pages of the conductor's score. When he gets down to there, Batter's going to have to slow the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one hand and tries to untie the string with the other!"

So, they all laughed, had another round, and finally returned to the Opera House, a little tipsy by now. When they came back on stage, one look at their conductor's face told them they were in serious trouble. The temperature inside the hall had become almost unbearable. In the audience, Graf Hilsenrod was in such gastronomic distress from the heat and bloated meal that he was moaning out loud. Both first-stand violinists were looking very iffy and the hall manager made a final decision that enough was enough - and turned on the hall's ceiling fans full bore to try to bring the temperature down, making quite a racket!

If you thought things couldn't get any worse... Batter was furious, and on the verge of completely losing it: While trying to finish the piece and flip tied pages, he tossed his carafe of water at the bass section with incredible vehemence. But one of the back stand cellists thought it was going to hit the priceless bass being played by the assistant principal bass player, and so got up quickly, grabbed the instrument and ran out of the hall. This was too much - with the heat and all the excitement, both first-stand violinists just passed out right on their chairs! But the absolute WORST part of it: (brace yourself):

Batter was up at the bottom of the Ninth,
the score was tied with the basses loaded,
there was a full count with two men out,
the pitcher was thrown out,
2nd bass was being stolen,
and the fans were going wild.

8 Likes

My mom told my sister that she was being very petty and I asked "Does she know the Heartbreakers?"