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Chapter 40
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Still rolling… quite literally, given that we find ourselves on a train once again.
There weren’t a lot of other passengers on the train, which wasn’t surprising at this hour, and most of them were getting settled in for the night. I headed for what I figured would be the most likely place for Kopaka to go: as far back as possible. Like before, the cars got progressively emptier as I made my way to the back of the train, and I did find the last car to be completely empty, except for one the passenger I was looking for; Kopaka had taken up that same spot he’d claimed on every trip before, and was sitting in the same pose: elbows resting on his knees and his chin on folded hands, looking pensive more than anything else. This time, I approached him without hesitation.
“Like I said,” I picked up where I left off, “you’re not getting away so easily this time; not when I have a few things left to say.” I waited for a moment, got no reply, and then sat down across from him. “I know you’re listening,” I continued, “and… well, I do want to finish what I started; tie up some loose ends, or rather… a particular one.” Still nothing; he didn’t as much as move a muscle, his mind probably preoccupied as his face retained a steely, determined expression and his gaze remained fixed on the floor between us. For a moment, I considered just waiting, since Ko-Koro-Nuva was about four hours away and he’d probably have to acknowledge me at some point in that time… but then again, did he? That wasn’t a wait I was willing to risk, so I tried to get his attention: “Hey, anyone home?” I asked, waving an arm in front of where I could see his eyes were pointing. Still nothing; his mind was really preoccupied with something, and I suspected that it wasn’t the pattern in the floor. Still, he couldn’t tune me out completely. “Well, I guess I’ll settle for a one-sided conversation,” I mused as I tried to think of a way to word the apology. I still wasn’t all that comfortable with it, but I didn’t want to disregard Nuparu’s advice either. Besides, four hours or not, I didn’t think I’d feel any better about it later, so it was pretty much now or never.
“Look…” I began somewhat hesitantly, “I spent a lot of time talking with Nuparu about… well, about what happened with Onua, and the other Toa Nuva…, including you. We talked about… how you all ended up, and why, and let’s be honest, things haven’t really gone well for any of you in the long run…” I realized I was rapidly getting nowhere; now, of all the times, in my mixed state of mind words seemed to be failing me. Amazingly, however, they at last elicited a response: a long, deep sigh, perhaps one of exasperation, but I felt relieved; up until that point, I’d feared that he might lash out at me or something, let his anger boil over the way it’d happened when I pushed him as the train had entered station in Onu-Koro-Nuva. While I didn’t imagine he was pleased by any means, at least he wasn’t hostile either.
“Go on,” he said coldly, without looking up.
“Okay…” I sat down in the chair facing his across the aisle. “Nuparu told me some things, about the way Onua thought, and the way he believes you think…”
“The way he believes I think?” Kopaka interrupted without looking up, placing a particular emphasis on the word “he.”
“Well, both he and I…” I stammered, “… the way we think you think, I guess… I mean, from what we’ve seen and what you’ve told me, and in light of that… I think I owe you an apology.” I figured that, of all things, those words would elicit a response, but Kopaka seemed to have reverted to the silent treatment. I continued: “I don’t want things between us to end the way… the way they did before Onu-Koro-Nuva, and in Nuparu’s shop, but I can’t take back the things I said, ‘cause they were… they were what I felt at the time. Still… I shouldn’t have pushed it so hard. That was a stupid reaction on my part, a reaction to… well, to things I thought didn’t add up. And I’m not saying that they do, but somehow they do to you, and…”
“You are making excuses,” he cut me off. “You are trying to justify what you want to apologize for. That is not an apology.” The words seemed scornful, but his tone of voice wasn’t… in fact, it was far less harsh than I’d gotten from him in a long time.
“No, it isn’t…” I realized I had to stop dancing around the subject. “Look,” I leant forward, trying to meet his downward gaze, but failing to do so I found myself looking at my feet instead. “I let my opinion of you get in the way, and I let my feelings get in the way of looking objectively at what you’re doing. You’ve been… harsh, to me and to others, and I never liked that, but you were never unfair to anyone, while I’ve definitely been unfair to you. I had no right to call you the things I did, to get angry and denounce you like that, and that’s… that’s what I want to apologize for: for poking and prodding when you repeatedly asked me to stop, and for getting angry at you when you responded. So… I’m sorry. I’m sorry about that.” I paused for a second and thought back over the days gone by, but I couldn’t really pinpoint anything else that I really felt was unjustified or worth apologizing for, given the circumstances. “That’s… that’s it, I guess.” I looked up; he was still looking down, making no eye contact whatsoever, but this time I did get a verbal response.
“Fine,” he said dourly. “Consider it past.”
“Really?” I was surprised; Kopaka wasn’t the type to quickly forgive. “Well, thanks, I guess…” I wasn’t sure of where to go from there, and Kopaka showed no interest in continuing the conversation, so I decided to let off and turned my attention out the window instead.
The train had picked up speed, and dark scenery outlined by the starlit sky was rushing past the windows. I looked back, but by this point we’d come far enough for the lights of Onu-Koro-Nuva to no longer be visible. Suddenly, it dawned on me: I’d left my teammates behind there! They were probably really worried by this point. I had to contact them somehow, but… was I still in range to try telepathy? It had to be worth a go. I closed my eyes, and focused first on Jahlpu, or rather, tried to see if I could establish a link between him and me, even though I knew that it would be almost impossible. I could neither see him directly nor pinpoint the exact location in Onu-Koro-Nuva where he was likely to be, and so I found nothing. Frustrated, I switched to trying to contact Lerome, then Kirall, both with the same result. “■■■■ it…” I cursed under my breath. “I’ll have to get a train back when we get to Ko-Koro-Nuva…” Looking around, I spotted a clock at the front of the car, which informed me that we’d just passed a quarter past nine. From that, I figured I should’ve been able to make it back there by sunrise: four hours and change there, same time back. With Kopaka apparently back in his meditative state, I decided to capitalize on the trip by getting some long-overdue sleep; the short morning nap in the Onu-Koro-Nuva hotel hadn’t really been sufficient, and an afternoon and large part of the evening spent wandering around the town had left me pretty tired. So tired, in fact, that after laying down across a couple of seats, I was out in a matter of minutes.
I woke up feeling a lot better, but as soon as I sat up I realized a couple of things didn’t quite add up. One: the clock read 6:45 in the morning, a time which was confirmed by the sunrise in progress outside. Two: the train was still going. Also, Kopaka was still sitting across from me, and apparently he’d gotten hold of a sandwich.
“Morning…” I said, more as a questioning observation than as a greeting. “Shouldn’t… shouldn’t we have gotten there already?” I wondered. Kopaka looked up, but didn’t answer. “I mean, Ko-Koro-Nuva is like four hours, right?”
“You should check your ticket,” the Toa of Ice suggested.
“My ticket? Sure, why not…” I produced the ticket and looked at the destination… and just about did a double take. New Atero, return ticket. “New Atero!?” I exclaimed. “What… we’re going back there!?” No response. “What… what for? You got your sword back, you got yourself fixed… shouldn’t you be running around in the mountains by now?”
“I did not ask you to follow,” he said curtly.
“Well, you didn’t give me much of an option by completely ignoring me when I was trying to tell you something,” I countered. “Particularly something that I told you I really wanted to get off my chest before you left.” He offered no response. “So, what was up with that?” I wondered. “What changed? Did you forget something?”
“I do not forget,” he said as he looked down; I immediately feared that he was about to shut me out yet again.
“What… is there something else you need fixed?” I continued. “Some place you want to stop by or… Oh crap! This means I’m going to be gone for like two days!” I paused as I realized just how ticked off Jahlpu and the others would be. I hadn’t told them anything, and now, as far as they were concerned, I’d upped and vanished on them… and what if they found that operator and learned that I’d gone back on the train running after a mysterious, angry Toa? Jahlpu’d have a fit, especially given that he’d warned Kopaka about “not getting up to anything” before. Really, whenever I got back to Onu-Koro-Nuva, if they were still there by that point, I’d have a lot to explain… This sucked, but unfortunately I really couldn’t do anything about the situation. “Remind me to check my ticket before boarding next time,” I sighed, more as a futile, sarcastic gesture than anything else. Still… while there was nothing I could do on that front, I did have some questions for the Toa sitting across from me.
“So… you didn’t forget anything,” I began reasoning out loud, “and your leg and stuff still look fine… so why are you going back? Hmm… something, some kind of circumstance must have changed…”
“Lis,” he said coldly.
“Yeah?”
“You said that you were sorry for prodding after I asked you to stop.”
“Yes, I did…” I didn’t like were this was going.
“I am asking you now; stop prodding.”
“Okay… okay, I won’t,” I relented, “but, will I at least get to see… eventually?” He shot me a momentary death glare, which was undoubtedly my cue to shut up, which I did. Yes, my curiosity was burning, but I didn’t want to eat my own words, not right after I’d made amends. Having finished the sandwich, Kopaka returned to what I’d concluded was his favorite way to kill time; try to process something fiendishly complicated in his brain that I had little hope of deciphering. So, with that avenue closed, and having realized that I had the whole day to fill, I decided getting breakfast wouldn’t be such a bad idea either, and started to make my way forward through the train to get to the dining car. It was oddly refreshing to find a dining car that wasn’t in the process of hosting a party or still reeling in the aftermath of one, and for a while, as I watched the telescreen in the dining car and enjoyed breakfast, I actually felt quite happy that I didn’t have to deal with the company of my teammates. Jahlpu was fine, though he’d also be the one who I’d have the most to explain to when I met them again, but in truth I missed neither Lerome nor Kirall’s company. I mean, there were reasons that I’d left the first time, and while I hadn’t planned on it, I decided to take this trip as some unexpected bliss. In fact, I even contemplated just staying in New Atero when I got there; I could call my teammates to inform them of where I was, and at the moment, it appeared that going back to stay a while with Macku and company was definitely one of the better options on the table, especially with the expedition they were planning. Perhaps this wasn’t such a bad situation after all…
At that point, my attention was taken by one of Hahli’s news reports appearing on the telescreen. It concerned the aftermath of the Kolhii game that Lerome’d been so excited about the day before; apparently, Hewkii’s team had squeezed out a narrow victory, which meant the time leading up to the next game would be spent “training and refining training,” as the Toa Mahri of Stone himself put it on camera. It was followed by a “Highlights of the Arena Magna” special, which convinced me it was time to go and find someplace else to sit, which led to me making my way back to the last car again, where I spent the time alternately looking at the scenery outside and flipping through what outdated newspapers were available. Occasionally, I looked to Kopaka, whose meditation provided a constant mental background that by this point I was well used to… except, I noticed there was what I could best describe as an intermittent edge to it, as though every once in a while something was welling up inside him. I couldn’t quite characterize it, but I didn’t want to specifically try and read deeper into his mind to figure out exactly what it was. All I could say was that it hadn’t been there when I’d watched him meditate previously, which could only mean that something really had changed.
That theory was reinforced when, early in the afternoon, I came back from the dining car to find that Kopaka had shifted position and was now sitting back in the chair, hand on forehead, looking quite listless. Granted, given the intense thought patterns I saw earlier in the day I figured it was appropriate, but still, for now that meditation seemed to have uncharacteristically stopped.
“Headache?” I asked.
“No.”
“I mean, if it was, I could help with that…” I offered.
“No need.” Of course; even if he had a headache, he’d just tough it out. I picked up a magazine again and started to read when, to my surprise, he asked me a question. “Lis?” he got my attention.
“Yeah?”
“Why did you keep following me?” His voice had more of a raspy quality to it than usual, which complemented the tired look.
“Why did I keep following you?” I reiterated. I was taken aback; definitely not a question that I was expecting. “Well… uhm… initially it was because you were hurt…” I began, but he cut me off.
“Not then. After my leg got fixed, after Gali, after Pohatu,” he explained, “why then?”
“Well, you promised to show me the final battle,” I recalled.
“You could have asked Gali for that, or Tahu, and they would have offered more explanation,” Kopaka pointed out. “You know that.”
“Uhm… Yeah, I suppose they would have,” I agreed. In fact, getting Tahu’s view in particular actually sounded like a really interesting idea, given how he’d taken charge and all.
“So why me, specifically?” he asked again.
“Because… I was curious,” I answered. “I mean, no one’s seen you in millennia, and no one might ever see you again after… well, after you leave. I guess I wanted to learn what I could before you go. I still do.” That seemed a much more satisfactory answer.
“Learn what?” he questioned.
“Learn… about being a Toa,” I decided. “About what you did, and why you did it. I mean, incongruities aside… you could explain a lot of things, and I wasn’t going to get your point of view from anyone else, so I took the chance, I guess. Besides, there was always something else dragging me along too, right?”
“Right…” he nodded slowly, unconvinced.
“Could I turn the question on its head?” I asked. He didn’t immediately object, which I took as a “yes,” so I continued: “Why did you allow me to stay?”
“Allow you to stay?”
“Like, you’re not known for valuing company,” I continued, “and you specifically mentioned you ‘tolerated’ my presence as long as I didn’t… you know, ask too much. From the other Toa I’ve spoken to, that’s a bit unusual; normally you drop people as soon as you can. Why didn’t you do that with me? Did the others ask even more questions?”
“Not particularly,” he answered, “and I knew I would not be stuck for long with you regardless. I did not have that guarantee before.”
“Right, ‘cause no one in their right mind would follow you into those mountains,” I recalled. I detected a slight flash of anger at the statement; in effect, I’d said that he was insane for going into the mountains himself, something that was not entirely unintentional.
“How much longer do I have, then?” I changed the subject. “Before you leave New Atero, that is?”
“Not long,” Kopaka said curtly.
“Like, you’re just stopping by one or two places and then leaving?” I pushed further, hoping to get some idea of his apparently revised plans. For a second or two, he didn’t answer, and the reply that followed wasn’t what I wanted to hear:
“Enough for now.” He pointed his gaze at the floor again, rested his elbows on his knees and his chin on folded hands. Within seconds, he was… out again, retreated into whatever he was doing that so put his brain through its paces. I was disappointed, but the fact that he’d actually asked me a question on why I kept following him kept me busy thinking for a while as well; why the sudden interest? I got the feeling he wasn’t just asking because he could, like it was something that he’d been wondering in the back of his mind but hadn’t bothered asking because the opportunity wasn’t there; he actually had to know for some reason. Was he planning something that took me into account? That would’ve been very uncharacteristic of the Kopaka I’d seen and heard about up until that point, but still, it was the only real explanation I could think of. Perhaps my apology had done more than just put my mind at ease… I really wanted to ask him more, but if all that was required for him to open up even a little at this point was time then, well, I had hours to give.
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#####author’s note: this one’s not quite as much of a marathon as the last two chapters, which both broke the ‘longest chapter’ record so far. Lis and Kopaka make amends, but she soon finds out that he has a few surprises left up his sleeve… By the way, someone on DA mentioned a while back that they were beginning to ship Kopaka and Lis a little bit (granted, Kopaka’s been ‘shipped’ with pretty much every canon character at one point or another by someone on there), and upon reading this chapter again, I feel like it reads a lot more like that than I intended…
I’ll post more chapters as I finish them. As always, post any questions, comments, and/or observations below. Enjoy!
