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Chapter 44
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After that display, I didn’t dare look into Pohatu’s mind again, fearful of waking him up a second time; no telling what kind of state he’d be in if he did. To keep myself occupied, I spent a few minutes with a rag picking up what solid pieces of his dinner were left on the floor, but I couldn’t do much about the stain. Then again, the carpet in this bedroom had seen so many liquids spilled onto it that, visually at least, another stain really didn’t make much of a difference so long as no one stepped in it for a while. Anxious about Pohatu and with not much else to do, the time still seemed to me to pass very slowly, the clock on the telescreen barely creeping towards 2:30. As it got closer, I started to get worried about whether or not Kopaka’d come back. Not knowing what he was doing was worrisome enough, but the idea that he could’ve just booked it was never far from my mind, in spite of his reassurances to the contrary and the fact that, logically, he didn’t seem to have a reason to leave yet, unless cleaning up this place and watching Pohatu for half the night really had been his goal all along.
I also spent the time keeping a very close eye on Pohatu; though he hadn’t stirred since I’d laid him down in the bed again, the thing I’d seen in him when he had woken up kept me on my toes. It was bizarre, like he was a different person altogether, or not a person at all… he couldn’t have deteriorated that quickly over just three days, could he? I mean, it’d taken him hundreds of years to get to that point, so three days to go from merely forgetful to beyond himself seemed way too quick; he couldn’t be either one all the time. That was a frightening notion: what if, sometimes, he was one and sometimes the other? One misfired signal, one irregularity in his brain, and ‘Pohatu’ was just turned off, replaced by this, this thing… did his psyche just hang by a thread like that, all the time? I hadn’t really believed Pohatu when he’d said that he was so far gone last time, but what I’d seen now made a pretty convincing argument that, in fact, he was in a far worse way than he’d initially appeared. I didn’t want to ask the question, but couldn’t stop myself from wondering whether or not there really was a way back from that… Pohatu certainly didn’t seem to think so, not when we were here last. For that matter, even Hewkii, his long-time admirer, had pretty much given up on him, providing what he needed to live but not making an effort to change his ways anymore. Like Pohatu himself, it was almost, almost like he was just waiting for him to die.
As I pondered whether or not any help could actually save Pohatu in light of what I’d seen, he stirred again. He just rolled his head to a side, but since I was still a bit jumpy, I immediately got up and took a step back. First off, I didn’t want him to wake up to see me sitting right next to him, gazing into him as he had the last time, and secondly I didn’t fancy being in his reach regardless. He didn’t stir again for the next minute or so. I sighed, believing that I’d avoided a second confrontation, then quietly made my way to the living room to see on the telescreen what time it was: 2:33 AM. Kopaka should be back any minute. I looked to the door, almost expecting it to swing open and to find him standing there, but nothing happened. Disappointed in spite of the knowledge that Kopaka arriving exactly when I looked at the door would’ve been just too much of a coincidence, I went back to the bedroom, and found that, to my shock, Pohatu’d moved again; he’d raised an arm and had placed the hand on the back of his neck.
“Ugh…” he groaned, moving the hand and rubbing his temple. For a second, I stood there, unsure of what exactly I should do; he was clearly waking up, and I didn’t know whether he’d… you know, be himself, but I didn’t want to just shut him down again if I could help it. So, staying close to the doorway, I waited. He yawned, rubbed his eyes, and looked at the window. He didn’t say anything, but the fact that it was still dark out seemed to disappoint him all the same as he rolled his head over to the other side… only to notice me standing in the doorway. His eyes widened immediately, and for a second or two he seemed frozen except for those eyes, trying to focus and look me up and down… I feared that he’d repeat what had happened earlier, but no, there was something different this time. That ‘spark’ that was missing last time, it was there now, though the expression on Pohatu’s face was still one of bewilderment, not to mention fear. But hey, at least it was an expression of some kind.
“Hello,” I cautiously greeted him again, not yet taking a step closer. He kept staring at me in utter silence, which was worrying to say the least. However, after a few seconds he finally seemed to find his words.
“It is night…” he said, in a voice barely above a whisper. “Nothing comes at night…”
“No, I was watching over you,” I began before realizing that that perhaps wasn’t the most placating way to start a conversation.
“Watching?” he questioned.
“Making sure you were alright,” I elaborated. “You… you had a rough evening.”
“Rough evening…” he repeated, his voice seeming to trail off at every word. Granted, the fact that there were words was comforting, but it was distressingly obvious that there still wasn’t much going on behind them.
“You woke up earlier,” I attempted to explain, but I wasn’t sure how to describe what I saw. “You… you were not feeling so good.”
“No, I… I never do,” he replied. “Never feel good anymore…” his eyes drifted away from me. “So the time of ghosts begins…”
“Ghosts?” I questioned.
“You, them, ghosts of the past…” Pohatu’s eyes drifted further to the point where he was pretty much looking at the ceiling. “Whatever you’re going to say, say it… I don’t know you, I don’t care… not enough for it to hurt anymore.”
“No,” I began, now realizing that he was mistaking me for one of his broken hallucinations, “I am not a ghost. I’m here, really.” His head slowly turned as his eyes fell back on me, his up until now tired and apathetic expression replaced by a much more focused, intense, dare I say ‘awake’ look.
“They all say that,” he said, slightly shaking his head, “and they are all wrong. But they… at least I knew them. You, you I do not. What depths of my mind did you get dragged up from?”
“No, I’m a real person,” I argued, “in this bedroom, right now. You’re not imagining things.”
“YOU’RE A FAKE!” he suddenly exclaimed, “AND I WILL NOT TAKE ■■■■ FROM YOU!” I stopped, shocked, and for a second or two silence reigned. “I may not know, may not remember much,” he continued in a much calmer, but still threatening voice, “but I know no one real comes here, not at this hour, not at any time. Only the phantoms, like you. You haunt me, you offer false hope only to take it away. All that matters is how long you’ll be here to torture me this time.” He spat on the ground in front of me. “Go ahead; try me, try the one who has nothing left to lose.” His tone of voice left no doubt as to his conviction that I was a mere product of his imagination, and one that he was willing to ‘wait out,’ so to speak. Deciding that arguing that concept was not in my interest, I switched tactics.
“Okay… you got me,” I relented. “Maybe I am just that, someone you’re imagining.” Pohatu sighed and laid back down, his eyes now back on the ceiling. “So, how long do I have, then?” I wondered.
“How long ‘till what?” he grumbled.
“’till I vanish again,” I explained.
“Hours, I’ll bet.”
“Hours, wow…” I’d imagined these hallucinations as a more come-and-go thing, but apparently when Pohatu saw them, they were here to stay for a while. I wasn’t entirely comfortable pretending to be one of them, but given that Pohatu was lucid, perhaps it’d allow me to ask some of the questions that I’d been meaning to. “So, if I’m from somewhere in your mind,” I continued, “who am I?”
“Who?” Pohatu scoffed. “Hell if I know.”
“You don’t remember me?” I asked.
“No.”
“Well, I’m Lis,” I introduced myself again, “and we’ve met before, three nights ago.”
“I don’t remember thee nights ago,” he said dourly. “Even yesterday is another country.”
“Well, I wasn’t alone,” I continued, “and I brought an old friend of yours. Do you remember him?”
“Friend? Ha!” Pohatu suddenly let out a spiteful laugh. “I have no friends. No one’d want to see what’s left of me, much less stay around.”
“And why is that?” I wondered. Pohatu turned and looked me straight in the eyes again.
“A dying, crippled, bitter drunk,” he spat. “Hell, now even my ghosts are complaining about having to show up to mock me?”
“I’m not here to mock you,” I protested. “I’m here to help.”
“Help…” for a moment, a glimmer of hope crept into Pohatu’s face, though not a genuine one… “HA!” he exclaimed. “The ■■■■ fool thinks there’s something left to save here!”
“Isn’t there?” I asked, somewhat surprised at Pohatu’s apparent amusement regarding his situation.
“You must be some avatar of naivety,” the Toa of Stone mocked. “Try waking up feeling like your legs are on fire even though you can’t use them. Try coughing up your lungs on a daily basis. That’s what I deal with; never mind the fact that everything else is breaking, too; it’s the ■■■■■■ pain lottery over here.”
“Lottery?..”
“What’s gonna hurt today!?” he exclaimed, looking up and raising his arms to in frustration, or perhaps to feign excitement. Dropping his arms again, he turned back to me: “come morning, I won’t remember you were here. Another couple months and, hopefully, I won’t be around to remember anything at all. So tell me, Lis… what help could you possibly be?”
“I could help you get proper maintenance, for one,” I pointed out. “That could probably give you at least a few more years…”
“YEARS OF WHAT!?” he suddenly exclaimed. “AARGH!” a hand went to his side as, apparently, something inside suddenly snapped.
“Okay, calm down, please,” I moved forward, attempting to soothe him. “You’re hurting yourself.” He looked back up me and gave an almost cruel smile.
“Oh, am I?” he jested. “Well ■■■■ it, I hadn’t noticed.” I stopped, momentarily confused at his sarcastic tone; this still wasn’t the real Pohatu, not the one I’d seen and was really hoping to see again. “Stay back!” he warned. “You’re wasting your time!”
“You’re bitter and angry, I get it,” I tried to placate him again, “but please, let me try to fix it.”
“NO!” he exclaimed. I was now standing right next to the bed, but stopped short of actually touching him. “There’s nothing you can fix here! NOTHING!”
“Fine…” I gave in, realizing that, much as I wanted to help, winding him up was very much accomplishing the opposite. I took the seat by the bedside again instead. “You know, I feel sorry for you,” I said. “A hero like you shouldn’t be left like this… you deserve better.”
“Me? A hero?” he looked confused for a moment, still clutching his side. “I’ve got nothing but a yellow cup on a shelf. What kind of hero does that make me?”
“You’re a Toa,” I argued, “and one that saved a universe. You don’t remember any of that?”
“Beyond nightmares? Not really,” he answered bluntly. “I don’t remember seeing you before, and you were here… what, two days ago, you said?”
“Three days.”
“Three days…” he scoffed. “Well, regardless of what you say I did, it doesn’t change where I am now anyways, does it?” He looked down for a moment, sighed, then turned his attention to me again. “My body’s breaking down, I’m in constant pain, and now the range of ghosts that visit me on a nightly basis apparently includes you, the condescending one. That’s what I know,” he pointed at himself, “and as far as I’m concerned the end can’t come soon enough.”
“So I heard last time,” I recalled, “but the Pohatu I met then was a lot less… bitter about everything. What changed?”
“My so-called friend wouldn’t help,” the Toa of Stone nodded towards something past me. “Isn’t that right!?” he raised his voice.
“Wait, what…” I turned and was staggered to find Kopaka standing in the bedroom doorway. Before I got a chance to greet him, Pohatu launched into a virtual tirade.
“He wouldn’t do ■■■■!” he called out. “Nothing at all! Wouldn’t even consider it!”
“Brother, please,” Kopaka began in a decidedly dismal tone.
“Don’t you brother me!” Pohatu continued. “I had but one wish left in this world, but one! And you, you… ■■■■■■■! He wouldn’t even consider it because of that stupid title! Toa! Who gives a ■■■■ about Toa anymore!?” Kopaka stepped forward into the room, but didn’t interrupt Pohatu again. “All I want is to get out of this pain and misery,” the latter continued. “I have nothing left! NOTHING!”
“Brother, you have to calm down,” Kopaka said, now more sternly, as he stopped beside me. It wasn’t enough to slow Pohatu down.
“You’ve haunted me, haunted me for I don’t know long,” he continued, “making sure that you were the only one I remembered, the only one I could ask for. I was stupid enough to believe you, to believe that he’d be willing to help, to do anything at all… but you tricked me! All those years, making me think that he’d actually care about anyone but himself! ■■■■ you, and ■■■■ him! GET LOST!”
“Brother, enough!” Kopaka scolded. “I am not some figment of your imagination. I am the real Kopaka, and I am back.”
“Like hell you are,” Pohatu spat. “You played your game, told your lies… and I will never believe you again.”
“No, seriously, we’re both here,” I attempted to join in the argument. “Real people, not ghosts.” I gestured back and forth between myself and Kopaka. “Just like I was trying to tell you earlier.”
“No,” Pohatu shook his head. “No one comes here, no one real.” Without another word, he rolled right and lay down facing away from us, refusing to continue the argument. I looked to Kopaka, who seemed momentarily at a loss for words due to either frustration or hopelessness, I imagined. Eventually, he turned around and headed for the living room, stopping for a moment to gesture for me to follow, which I did. He led me into the kitchen, which was about as much out of earshot as it was possible to get from the bedroom, even though the two rooms were right next to each other.
“I told you to watch him,” he began in a hushed tone, “not to wake him.”
“I’m sorry,” I apologized, “but he kinda did that on his own. Twice.”
“Twice?”
“The first time, he was… not himself,” I explained. “More like… like an aggressive rahi.”
“A rahi?”
“It was scary,” I recalled. “He didn’t recognize me, didn’t recognize anything… He just screamed “go away” over and over. I had to force him back to sleep to calm him down.”
“You forced him back to sleep?” Kopaka questioned.
“Psionics,” I answered. Kopaka’s expression momentarily showed disapproval, but then quickly returned to its neutral state.
“You had to,” he said.
“Look, I was worried about him before, but based on what I saw it’s a lot worse than we thought,” I continued. “Who knows how often something misfires that leads him to behave like that? We might be insanely lucky that he didn’t do it last time, and that he’s not doing it now.”
“Indeed, he is not doing it now,” Kopaka confirmed as he turned and made his way back to the bedroom again with much more determination in his step than when he’d left it. I followed right behind, curious as to how that determination would manifest itself. I didn’t have to wait long. In fact, I didn’t have to wait at all.
“Enough, Brother,” Kopaka announced as he marched right up to the bed. Without warning, he reached over it and grabbed Pohatu’s shoulder, then pulled it, forcing him over to face us.
“Hey, what the hell!?” the Toa of Stone exclaimed.
“Can your ghosts do this?” Kopaka questioned as he gestured with his other hand to the shoulder he was maintaining a firm grip on.
“Get off of me!” Pohatu protested. He tried to push the Toa of Ice’s hand off of his shoulder, but to little avail as Kopaka immediately reached out and grabbed his wrist.
“I have no time for nonsense, brother,” he explained as he pulled Pohatu’s hand over and placed it against his mask. “Do I seem real yet?” he questioned.
“GET LOST!” Pohatu exclaimed in return, but there was little he could do. Though I’d been momentarily stumped by Kopaka’s suddenly rather aggressive approach, I quickly came to my senses.
“Hey, let him go!” I moved in, unsure of how exactly to get Kopaka to comply. “This can’t be good for him.”
“I am real, brother, I am here!” The Toa of Ice remained focused on Pohatu. “You know that it is me. You know!” Completely flustered, Pohatu didn’t reply; for a few seconds, tense silence fell over the room. Neither of the two Toa Nuva moved a muscle, their eyes locked as though they were in a contest of wills, while I stood by praying that Pohatu would come to his senses before Kopaka decided to take even more radical measures to prove that he wasn’t the ghost Pohatu believed him to be.
“Why…” Pohatu shook his head, “why would he come back… and yet you seem… real.”
“I am,” Kopaka confirmed, sounding encouraged. “I am him.”
“He… you left for good,” Pohatu remembered. His hand began to shake a little. Kopaka relaxed his grip. “You said farewell again; you’d never return.”
“That I did,” Kopaka confirmed again as he let go of Pohatu’s shoulder and wrist altogether and stood back up. “And that was my intention.”
“Then why?” Pohatu questioned. Kopaka didn’t immediately reply, so he continued: “what could possibly have brought you back here? You were done; we were done.”
“I…” Kopaka began, getting uncharacteristically hung up on the words. He cleared his throat, then tried again: “I-I changed my mind.”
The moment he said that, I finally realized what he was going to do. This whole trip back, his hesitation, the bizarre secrecy… he was thinking about Pohatu’s request, thinking about actually doing it. My heart sank. That request was against everything he’d told me, about the Toa code, about duty, about… himself.
“Changed your mind about what?” Pohatu wondered, not yet catching on.
“About what you asked of me,” Kopaka answered. “I have seen several things since that night, things that… put your request into perspective.”
“What request…” Pohatu seemed to come to the realization right on the word ‘request.’ “Oh, that one.” His voice fell as his eyes widened.
“Hang on, you’re not… you can’t…” I attempted to interrupt, but Kopaka immediately turned and glared at me with a look on his face that I’d only seen when he was about to launch into one of his tirades. For that moment, it stopped me dead in my tracks.
“Lis, stay back,” he ordered. “This is a matter between me and him; do not interfere.”
“B-But you said yourself that it would violate the Toa Code,” I hesitantly argued. “You can’t, you wouldn’t… at least explain yourself!” Kopaka sighed, lowered his head, then turned his attention to Pohatu again.
“You asked me when I was here last whether anyone actually cared about the Toa these days,” he explained. “The answer appears to be no. This world does not need Toa anymore, and even our brothers and sister willfully abandoned the code.” He glanced back at me for a moment, then back at Pohatu, cleared his throat again, and continued: “I have held myself to its standards to the best of my ability, but if the title has become so meaningless, then I… I will abandon it for you. If that offer is still on the table, I will kill you.”
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#####author’s notes: another chapter that took me a few tries to get right, though thankfully not as many as the last one. Most of what happens in this chapter was originally going to be in Chapter 43, but as so often happens when I’m writing, I felt that there were a lot of things left out that way, so one chapter became two.
I’ll post more chapters as I finish them. As always, post any questions, comments, and/or observations below. Enjoy!