Bionicle: 2001 (Tahu's Arrival)

Tahu opened his eyes as every thing around him began moving. He was surrounded by darkness. If it weren't for the fact he could feel the metal he was laying on he would have thought he was in some sort of void. Than suddenly he heard a metallic click and a hiss and smoke, water and light began poring onto him. He rolled uncontrollably from his unknown prison and landed facing the sky. It was bright orange dotted with thin grey clouds. After a few moments he looked around. It was hard, his eyes felt like they had been cemented in place. As his eyes slowly rolled around he could see what had been holding him. A huge rusted canister riddled with dents. When his eyes finally looked all the way down he was confused. Where was his body? Other than a few cords and tubes running from his neck back into the canister there was nothing. He tried to move his arms and to his surprise they fell out of the canister as If they could tell he was calling for them. Suddenly Tahu remembered something "Traveling by canister is dangerous. So you've been designed to fix the most common problems riders experience" Tahu's bain began to burn and his eyes closed. When Tahu awoke he realized he had been rebuilt. He slowly began to get up. His legs felt like glass and they couldn't hold their own weight. Tahu stumbled towards the stange canister to lean on it. Where was he? Who was he? Why was he here? He found him self searching his memories only to find the same burning sensation. Tahu decided it was best he stopped or he would black out again. Instead he began looking into the vas ocean it seemed his canister had come out of. He looked down and saw two things. A stange bent and cracked mask like object that was leaking a glowing yellow liquid and his reflection. He bent over and grabbed the mask placing it on top of the canister than staining at his reflection. He was grey and made of metal. His hands where missing many fingers and most if not all his muscle tissue had began decomposing. Suddenly a heads up display appeared blinking red in front of his eyes "Power failure immanent. Reconnect to power source" appeared in bright red words.
Tahu grabbed for the mask and slammed it on his face. Suddenly he felt power surge through his body filling him with strength and colour. His armor was now smooth and glossy gleaming crimson. His hands had distorted and shed fingers so that they only had two. His Heads up display shifted to a barely opaque blue colour. "Reboot complete" Now appeared. Tahu wondered what was happened and he had the same memory "You've been designed to fix the most common problems riders experience" Tahu slowly walked away from the canister on his now sturdy legs. Tahu left all questions behind him along with the canister. The only thin on his mind now was answers...

So what do yall think?

6 Likes

Might want to make the title more descriptive, and fix the spelling error.

Pretty decent.

2 Likes

It's good.
I fixed the spelling error in the title.

Better than anything I could've done.
This is 10/10 material, right here. Feel proud of yourself.

2 Likes

I really wish that the little red under spelling errors (What's that called any way? stuck_out_tongue ) appeared in tittles... disappointed_relieved

1 Like

Huh. Reading my first story here, and decided to leave a comment.

First of all, shorter paragraphs~! I liked a good bit of what you posted, but the long paragraphs made it a bit hard to read the story properly. (Actually, something that I'd recommend, although you don't have to personally do, is just put a line between paragraphs. Just makes it easier to read, and if it's a long section, easier to find the last part you were reading. Idk, it's my own experiance, so you can toss that advice out if you want. xD )

Another thing is to not rely on just spellcheck! There were misused words that were spelled properly, but due to the fact that they were spelled right, spellcheck didn't catch them. That's something I'd recommend working on, just because if you misuse certain words like "where" or "were" can sometimes mess up your descriptions, and confuse the reader.

Overall though, I did have fun reading it. Your descriptions could use a bit of work (But that's something only practice can solve!), but overall the detail you did got what you wanted others to see across, and gave me a good idea of what he was doing.

Granted, I feel like you did make Tahu a bit too curious and calm. I don't know, I always felt like when he came out, he'd be more cautious and trying to stay calm, or accidentally using his powers as he picks up his sword and trying to control it!

But that's just my idea, I have nothing against how others would see Tahu doing! ^^ (Sorry for the unintentionally long-winded review. xD )

4 Likes

The one thing I have to say is bring a bit of who Tahu is into the story. Tahu is the hotheaded leader so I'm pretty sure he would not like being in the canister or being naught but a head. whereas Onua might be more acceptive of being in a claustrophobic space.

Also there were a few spelling errors.

1 Like

Sounds very nice

1 Like

Lovely work here! wink

1 Like