Chronicles of Okoto (G2 Prequel Fanfic)

I did a story.

Please tell me if the link doesn’t work, and give feedback. I can’t make it better without help!
EDIT: If you can read this, please give your thoughts. What did I do wrong? What could I do better? Is there anything you liked/didn’t like? Let me know! :smile:

It says, “Preview Failed”.

Try downloading. I just did and it worked for me.

All right. I read this pretty quickly, so forgive me if for a few mistakes. Anyway, some feedback. I’m also posting these thoughts as I read, so bear with me. Hope this isn’t some kind of “feedback overload,” but here we go.

“Remind me,” asked H’kija, “which one is Kantu?”
“You know,” answered Volu, “Kantu, the chief weapon smith. Fire Villager?”
“Oh,” realized H’kija, “I remember now. What’s it do?”

This exposition feels a little clunky. It’s not too bad, but could definitely be reworked.

“Banien lessened it’s effect”

“It’s” should be “its.” I make this mistake all the time. Just a typo that stood out.

Also, I didn’t realize Banien was a Toa until now, though that’s understandable. The title of “General” made me feel that he might have been a villager in a military position.

“was the only admiral of the Okoto Army”

Small gripe, and can be justified since it is a fantasy world, but “Admiral” has pretty much always been a naval rank, not used in armies. An admiral is pretty much on-par with a general in most militaries.

“on it’s red”

The it’s -> its dilemma again. You might want to check through and correct those just to make sure they’re all erased. Small gripe, I know, but good grammar can help improve a story.

Quick note, you have a knack for writing establishing character moments. The reader can get a pretty good idea of how each Toa thinks and operates based solely on their introductory lines and actions. That’s a positive trait, especially in short literature. I noticed this at first, but Krata really brought it out.

“Ensign H’kija”

Again, I know it’s a minor gripe, but Ensign is also a naval rank…

Another quick note, you should add some chapter headings. They’d definitely help establish breaks between parts of the story.

“on his his upper shoulders”

Wha-wha. Just a typo.

The fight between Slicer and the bear was a little weird. Firstly, a Gladiatorial match typically is meant as a fight to the death, especially when it involves animals. Also, the crowd seemed horrified by this, which strikes me as odd. Why would a society that abhors this sort of thing still attend such events?

Banien’s conversation with Slicer should probably be rewritten. The dialogue is a little clunky here.

Vomni was introduced far too quickly to have his betrayal mean something. I’d suggest at the very least mentioning him and his rather bizarre tendencies earlier in the story as some foreshadowing. Otherwise, this all comes out of left-field.

“oh noble admiral”

“Admiral” should be capitalized, as it’s being used as a proper noun here.

“The cells were all empty, and the hall had became open to another long row of chambers.”

“Became” should be “Become.” Frankly, this should be rewritten to sound a little less passive. Heck, shortening it to “…the hall had opened into another…” would probably work

I will admit, I kind of skimmed the end after this. So, all and all, and I hate to say this, but the story does feel a bit rushed. This becomes very apparent at the end, past Vomni’s betrayal, as the writing flows less and things just…sort of happen because they have to. The narrative’s a bit disjointed. Again, chapter breaks would help organize the story better for readers and ease up the flow of the prose.

Don’t take this as me saying that the story’s bad. While it definitely could use a thorough work over, I can definitely see some interesting ideas developing, and the backstory to the 2015 villain wave is a good development. These prehistoric Toa are interesting, and you have a good style of characterization going. Without taking much time, you allow the reader to become fairly well acquainted with all the Toa.

My other main criticism is that the story, well, just ends. Come on, don’t leave us all hanging! :smile:

My main suggestion would be that you should probably go over what you already have and fine tune the narrative a bit, organizing the plot a little more thoroughly and stringing them together into a meaningful whole. Word choice can be improved here and there, and typos could use correcting. I’d also recommend outlining the plot. I know it’s a pain, but it’ll allow you to see where you want the story to go from beginning to end.

So yeah. You’ve got some interesting ideas, and characterization is probably your strongsuit here - simple, but effective. Just rework the plot and organization a bit, and you could have something really good.

Best of luck!

Stupid spelling goofs…
I blame the Naval terminology on the fact that my only real experience with ranks has been Star Trek.
Also, I see where you’re coming from. The story was bit clunky at the beginning, but I feel I could make it better. I just kinda needed to get the plot going. Also, the part I uploaded was unfinished, paused right in the middle of a chapter. Going to add more, this is definitely not the end! I’ll take these into account! :smile: