Dark Hunters Royale

“Alright, now there should be a vent coming up on your left,” Helryx said quietly through the microphone. A massive screen spread out in front of her, displaying a map and a first-person view of Ceran’s whereabouts. The toa quietly pushed the vent, spun it around, and placed it next to him in the air duct. He slowly turned around and dropped from the wall onto the stone floor beneath him.
“Now where do I go,” he said. He clenched his Sonic Crossbow.
“To your right,” Helryx said. Sweat was pouring from beneath her mask. Now was the moment of truth. Ceran headed down the hallway and tried to door in front of him. Locked. He grabbed a small laser from his pack and cut a hole through the metal. He used his mask of telekinesis to pull the chunk of metal out of the doorway. He stepped through the opening.
“Um, Helryx,” he said.
“What is it?” She struggled to keep her voice low. Her breathing became heavy.
“Do you always not mention the millions of sensors protecting these artifacts or was this a special case? ‘Cause right now I’m staring down all sorts of traps.” Helryx clenched her sweaty palms into fists.
“■■■■■■ Ceran,” she swore. He chuckled over the headset.
“No worries. A high enough pitch will knock out the receptors.” He held out his hands and a slight hum erupted from them. The glass plates fell to the floor with a crash. Ceran absorbed the noise and stepped over the piles. At the end of the room there was another door, which he opened using his laser again. He stepped inside the room to find… fans. He found fans.
“Alright, you really should mention this sort of thing.” The screen showed her the giant blades spinning beneath him. A small ring of stone connected to the wall was the sole thing keeping him from falling to a morbid death.
“Use your mask power. You should be able to stop them long enough for you to get through. Ceran groaned. He placed one finger on the side of his head and dropped. The first fan stopped completely. The second, however, was spinning slower. He barely made it past one of the blades. When he looked down at the third, he found that it was still spinning at full speed. He tried as hard as he could to stop it, but his energy had been drained already. He braced himself for what he was sure was death. Helryx clasped a hand over her mouth. Though she had watched many a member of the Order of Mata Nui die, it never got easier. Just when Ceran thought he would hit the fan, he fell right through it. He had caught it just in time to make it through, but that didn’t mean he was safe yet. He got ready for the drop onto the hard ground. It wasn’t a perfect landing, but at least he hadn’t broken anything. He headed over to the target, which had been placed in a case. A serum that the Shadowed One planned to use to end their war with both the toa and the Brotherhood. He lifted the case. Helryx tried to tell him to stop, but no sound came out of her mouth. As he placed the box on the ground an alarm sounded. He silenced it, but he was too late. Dark Hunters rushed through the door above him. One of them disabled the fans whilst the other fired at him. He ducked behind the stand which protruded from the ground. He swore underneath his breath. He reached one hand up and snatched the serum. The Hunters were getting closer. He readied his crossbow and aimed for the cement wall behind him. With a blast of energy that sapped the last of his power, he blew a hole in the wall. Adrenaline pumped through his veins as he sprinted out the door, shots whizzing past his head. He dived into the sea. Beneath him the Order’s submarine lied in wait. He knocked on the window as energy blew past his head. He had at the very most ten seconds left before he would be killed in some horrible way. The hatch opened and a toa of water kept the liquid out. He was safe now. The sub’s cloaking device came to life, and so did the engine. He was headed home now, his mission a success.


Like i said to someone else recently, 'paragraph spaces are your friend' stuck_out_tongue A big wall of text like this may scare people away from reading it, which i honestly think would be a shame because this seems like a pretty good story

One thing i would suggest is to use alternatives for swearing though - it is Bionicle after all so give them a swear in their own language like 'Oh Karzahni' or something. Think that would fit better than trying to use real swear words.

Though i like the idea of this essentially being a bank heist with a Bionicle twist, it works pretty well. Aspects such as a Toa of Water using their abilities in order to prevent water flooding into a submarine are things that add a nice addition to the nature of the Bionicle world. Each character has abilities, and its best to show them off. Personally when reading i found myself thinking of the Ocean's series - which is my main vibe to see more stories like this smile

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Thanks for the reply. One thing I've found is that sometimes the Message Boards will screw up your formatting if you copy-paste, and sometimes it won't. I guess it did that to me here.
I sort of thought that, since Helryx has most likely met Karzahni and been to the island, perhaps she would use alternates. Though that is good input which I'll make sure to use in other stuff.
I got the idea of making it a heist/spy story from how Greg stated that you could do anything with Bionicle in terms of genresbesides romance