Hahli's Toa of Canon Cannon

Hi, everyone! My name is Hahli (obviously). I was that guy at MakutaFest that made a Toa Eljay page on BS01, and Meso jokingly said that "hahli, you should make a Toa Eljay fanfiction...." at which point I started frantically typing. I got mentioned! Also- big mistake, I take everything seriously. So I actually finished this a few weeks ago, two days after MakutaFest, and e-mailed it to Meso, but I'm posting it here for all of you and possibly re-posting it on BZPower as per Meso's suggestion (Username "creation"). So here you go, some will like it some will not, but here it is!

Enjoy!

"9396-B thundered down the hillside. The two-bladed helicopter was holding several guards and a desperate Helryx. Her Order hadn't won a single engagement with the Skrall in a month. They needed help from, frankly, anybody. Perhaps even someone who wasn't canon... Yet...

Toa Eljay stepped onto the Technic plane, wearing a TTV shirt and a paper golden Miru, pretending not to notice the funny stares from Onua, Jaller, and Chiara. Even the emotionless Bohrok were clearly having trouble processing the, the, unknown species. "His name's Eljay" Helryx quickly explained as pilots Kai and Macku quickly rushed by. "He's human, and a Toa of Canon, so..." "So I can make anything canon, including myself." Jaller raised his hand. "So, you can alter the past?" "I have. I was interested to see how the Red Star works, and I also found that accidentally breaking- well, any other questions?" Hahli stepped on, clutching a MakutaFest 2014 banner. "Is that Miru on your face... functional?" "Good idea, Hahli. I'll make it functional, and canon." The Toa went silent, glancing at each other as Toa Eljay did nothing. 42025 started up and took off, and he still did not move. "So..." Chiara began. "Oh, yeah, it's fully functional." Eljay replied. "Watch." Before anyone could stop him, Eljay jumped out of the plane, trying to keep his paper Mask of Levitation from flying off. Then suddenly Eljay slowed down. His mask was working, gliding him down to a dune. "So," a Makuta said from behind him, "think you could make the Splitter Beast canon?" "MMMEEEESSOOOO!!!"

Eljay was stranded on a dune, facing Meso, Makuta of Pandemics, and a small Fohrok swarm. "Ah, Bohrok." the Toa of Canon says , "the perfect island destroyers. Omni-directional kickballs, color schemes are a pro, Krana launching is a pro, ah, but no elbows and knees and they're too short to reach a Toa's head, like myself." "Shut up, Eljay. Besides, didn't the last Miru-wearing Toa get Kranaed?" "Don't get technical." "What do you even do?" "I'm a Toa of Canon, I rule things canon and non-canon. If something is ruled non-canon, it blinks out of existence in the story." "What if it's already canon?" "Doesn't matter. I could make those Bohrok disappear if I wanted to. What can you do?" "Spread diseases. Attack stuff. I hang out Viper." "Viper's here, too? None of you are canon!" "You're not canon..." "I'm a Toa of Canon, of course I'm canon! I even have a cannon!" Sure enough, Toa Eljay produced a Judgement Cannon that for some reason no one saw earlier. "Eljay... did you just make that appear?" "Uhh, yeah, I guess." "Did that even appear in any actual story?" "It is now. I'm ruling this story canon." Eljay fired the cannon, which made Judgement Cannon-like noises and blasted Meso. "NO! Peace! No more Tunneler Beasts!" "Meso, if you mention Hero Factory in my story one more time..."

There was a big fist fight that Meso won, but someone ruled that non-canon so we'll skip that part...

A heavily bruised Eljay slid into an abandoned Thornatus, wondering why he couldn't make Meso and his Bohrok disappear during the totally nonexistent fight. He'd made all kinds of things appear from a "Bionicle 2015? Tune in to TTV!" billboard to a fully functional cannon. But Meso didn't disappear. 'Why?' Eljay thought as he drove past a group of Kopakas arguing over who was more canon, one of which was entirely pixilated. Eljay tried practicing his mask powers as he drove past a group of lightsaber-wielding Matoran fighting a group of phaser-wielding Agori. At the last second his Hau was triggered as a Splitter Beast tossed a boulder at him. 'Dangit Meso. Why'd you have to ruin a perfectly good story with Splitter Beasts and Tunneler Beasts and...' ...and that's when Eljay realized his power. He could make things canon and non-canon whenever he wanted. Because he could make things canon, he could make them appear, but thanks to fandom, he couldn't actually make anything disappear. It stayed in fandom forever, even if he objected. What could he do? Could he really leave, knowing that somewhere out there, Klingon Agori and Jedi Matoran were in written stories? Knowing that there were eight Kopakas? Knowing that Meso's MNOG-HF comparisons were affecting fan fiction? He wasn't even supposed to be driving- he had a war to fight. He knew what he had to do, even if his Earth self didn't like it. He changed gear and raced to New Atero.

"You want to nuke half of Spherus Magna?" Vakama number three yelled. "That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard!" "Really? What happened to "let's go this way oh look Visorak"? Besides I saw a unicorn on the drive here. A unicorn. This is saddening, Bionicle doesn't deserve this." "I hate to say it," Vakama number two said, "but he's right. There's three of us. Yesterday the seven Tahus tried to fight to the death to stay canon, and two more Tahus appeared today. This is madness. It must end." The Toa of Canon turned to Takanuva. "Take two of every Rahi and one of every person out into the desert. I shall prepare everything else.

Meso laid his hand on Eljay's shoulder. "You're doing the right thing. We need to clean up this garbage." "Hopefully, this will erase every fan story." "And this one-" Eljay shook his head. "I've made this story canon, so it shouldn't be deleted. And it looks like the device is set." Meso shook Eljay's hand, and Eljay nodded to the two Takanuvas. Both donned Mohtreks, summoning every past Takanuva that wore the Olmak, the fanfiction's only hope of surviving. "Thank you, Eljay." The Takanuvas said. "Thanks to you, we can live peacefully, outside of the canon world." "I couldn't leave you here. Canon Bionicle deserves no less." And with a final nod, Eljay activated his powers and winked out of existence within the Bionicle storyline.

At his computer, Black Six noticed something bad. A virus seemed to have deleted all of BZP's fanfiction. A few seconds later, they returned, seeming to have never moved. Must've been just a glitch. Earth Eljay finished reading the story, deciding it was completely stupid."

3 Likes

So, you take prompts?

EDIT: Also, you need to work on your formatting.
When a new character starts talking, start a new line.
Paragraphing is fine, but your dialogue needs the TLC.

@The13Inquisitor

Thanks for the tips! This is my first fanfiction I've put online, but I've made a couple books- apparently in incorrect format! Thank you for telling me now before I posted those, too!

I've been writing fanfiction for about four years, so you could say I'm an old hand.
I consider it my duty-appropriately enough,-to correct basic mistakes like that and offer feedback.

I'm not much of a fan of crack-fics, but taking a shot at how often people shoot for mary sueish concepts like Jedi-Toa and the like certainly gets you points.

wowjustwow

Like... Good wow or can't believe he wrote that crap wow?

That was just too good. It was just... wow. thank you for posting this. =)

1 Like

this is the best Eljay fan fic ever

Awww, thank you guys! Honestly wasn't expecting positive reviews, this makes me feel great, even though I had to miss most of MakutaFest!

post more i would read!!