How To Be A Good Guy
The small figure ambled through the wilderness, stepping carefully over scattered stones and scrub brush, ready for anything.
He was a happy fellow, and didn’t spend too much time in his own head. There wasn’t much to know: be a Good Guy, stop Bad Guys, and never upset a Function. He was Good Guy 2006, and although he took these directions seriously, he was nothing if not light-hearted.
The Good Guy danced playfully around an earthen mound, musing over his accomplishments thus far. He had helped a couple QUICK Good Guys beat their Bad Guy counterparts, made friends and enemies as he traveled through the 2007 sea, and he had even spent time learning at the feet of the great Duracell Good Guy. It was a wonderful life in a wonderful world, and Good Guy 2006 had his eyes on the horizon, eager for what his future had in store.
“Stop right there!”
Good Guy 2006 brought himself to a halt. Up ahead, a small character in red and yellow armor blocked the way. He had a fierce, toothy scowl and a pair of frighteningly large pincers in his hands.
Good Guy 2006 cocked his head. “Who are you? Are you another Good Guy?”
“I am Bad Guy 2006,” the stranger revealed.
The hero frowned. “But I’m Good Guy 2006,” he said woefully. “That means you are my mortal enemy!”
The Bad Guy brandished a claw, waving it maniacally above his head. “Then I will destroy you! Your journey ends here, Good Guy 2006!”
“Nooo!” Good Guy 2006 ran wildly at the Bad Guy, swinging his weapon frantically at his opponent. The two Guys beat each other senseless, smacking at one another with their tools and trading both heroic and villainous vows of vengeance and justice.
The Good Guy was gaining the upper hand quickly, but Bad Guy 2006 managed to kick his midsection and push him back toward the center of the clearing. The villain snarled at Good Guy 2006.
“Prophecy spoke of this day.” Bad Guy 2006 seethed his words through parted teeth. “I recognized your appearance the moment I laid my eyestalk on you. The stories said you would carry a forked weapon, but In truth, you carry a flame sword.”
The Bad Guy clambered up onto a boulder, aiming his claw at Good Guy 2006 as if to physically cast his judgement. “Why do you defy the prophecy?!”
The Good Guy laughed triumphantly. “Because I don’t care!” With a flourish of his hand, he summoned the fork sword into existence. Good Guy 2006 laughed again, a fearless, boastful laugh, and rushed after the Bad Guy. When he reached the side of the boulder upon which Bad Guy 2006 stood, he chopped violently at his enemy’s ankles with the blunted edge of both weapons. Victorious laughter highlighted the moment from start to finish as Bad Guy 2006 howled in pain.
The moment might have carried on for eternity, until Bad Guy 2006 called out the one word Good Guy 2006 would yield to:
“Function!”
Good Guy 2006 stopped and spun, wide eyed, to see what appeared to be a launcher with wings flying into the clearing. Bad Guy 2006 hopped down from his perch, and both Guys backed away from each other, weapons held down and to the side. The were both careful not to move too quickly or closely toward the Function, as it hovered around in a seemingly aimless fashion, scouring over the area quietly.
The two Guys watched patiently as the Function did what Functions do. It was a rare sight, at least for Good Guy 2006. He had only ever met other Guys before; legends spoke of a couple Functions, wandering around the seas and skies. Even Bad Guy 2006 seemed awestruck, in his own downcast way.
After a few minutes of inspection, the Function seemed to focus in on a particular rock. It fired a sphere from it’s launcher, and the sphere passed harmlessly into the rock, having no effect at all. Satisfied now, the Function rose up a bit and hovered quickly from the clearing, disappearing around an outcropping. Good Guy 2006’s gaze followed it for a moment longer, wishing the moment had lasted even another few seconds. Remembering his previous engagement, he turned toward the place where Bad Guy 2006 once stood, only to find the villain had vanished.
Alarmed, Good Guy 2006 climbed the boulder once occupied by his nemesis, scanning any horizon that wasn’t obscured by outcroppings and foliage. Unfortunately, Bad Guy 2006 was nowhere in sight. A recently familiar voice rang out from the wilderness.
“This isn’t over, Good Guy 2006,” the Bad Guy promised, his distant voice fading with each word. “You haven’t seen the last of me!” The hero tried to follow the sound, but Good Guy 2006 couldn’t pinpoint it’s location.
“Never you mind, Bad Guy 2006! Justice will have it’s day, whether you’re ready or not.” He hopped down from the boulder as he retorted his enemy.
“Trust me,” said the hero. “I’m a Good Guy!” With a mighty bellow, Good Guy 2006 raised his weapons in the air and ran confidently out of the clearing, past the expanse of wilderness and over the horizon.
Ta-da