If you like cats and mythic adventures than click on this

I’ve been working on a book. I know it is not LEGO-related, but I want to share it because of how GREAT it sounds!

Here’s Chapter 1. I’m still writing Chapter 2.

“We’re a long way from camp,” sighed a brown long-haired cat with a yellow eye and a blue one. Then she added with a hiss in her tone, “We’ll never find Tallhill here!” At her side was a gray tabby. He responded, “Relax! We’ll encounter it soon; I’m sure of that.” The brown cat shrugged in defiance, “It is so far from here! We’ve been walking for ages! There is not even a silhouette of it in the distance! Plus, what is the effort of traveling if we know it is still just a myth? We would have passed it by now!” The tabby tried to calm her with licks and replied suddenly. “Listen to me for once! This was your idea, remember? Stop acting like it was me who wanted this!” He saw the brown cat back her head away, realizing he had been too harsh, and widened his eyes. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to blame you! But, remember- Basil had warned us it was far away!” The brown cat stretched her neck back to her companion and brightened. “Well, I guess he did,” she sighed after moments of silence. “Now pick up your pace! You are slower than a rabbit with one leg!”
The gray tabby stared at her for a few moments; then he came rushing over as if the world depended on it. “You are strict but in a way that feels kind,” he purred, but the brown cat had acted as if she was deaf to his flirt. She signaled to walk a little bit to the right. At first, the gray tabby didn’t know why she had ordered a change of direction, but froze as he saw she was steering away from a badger about 30 whiskers away. He opened his eyes in silent panic but said nothing. When they had peacefully passed the danger, the brown cat signalled to track back to the original trail. The smooth green grass soon morphed into pebbles of stone as the two cats headed into hostile territory. She gasped, “Only the Camps of the Brave are pebbled! We are in rival housing!” She hissed at the gray tabby, whispering, “Did you know there were enemies on our journey to talk to the Wise?”
The tabby looked caught off guard, as if he had just stumbled into a tree after waking up from a Walk-Dream. “No, no! I did not, Amber! I promise!” He pleaded, gazing slightly at Amber’s mismatched eyes. After painful moments of silence and narrowed-eyed staring, the brown cat answered, “Very well. But if we stumble into hostile camps a second time on this journey, I will bite your claws off!” The gray cat looked at her, trying to hide the terror in his eyes. He swallowed once, but then immediately slunk into a crouched position, his green eyes blazing with fear as a Brave had almost caught the two enemies on his territory. “You, get Leaf and Branch to search our Field. I will gather our finest cats to collect berries. And you will stay here, making sure no one gets out of our camp until the parties return,” he called to a nearby fellow Brave.
The cat nervously shook her head, then rushed over to two others and chatted with them for a bit, until they eventually rushed over to the Field. Meanwhile, Amber smirked. “Stone, now that we know their plans, we can attack soon!” she sneered impulsively. Stone looked at her and said softly in reply, “Didn’t you hear half of what that cat said?! That Brave will be guarding the camp, you fluff-for-brain!” Amber glanced at him with a hostile look in her eyes. “You DARE call me, your leader, a fluff-for-brain?” she hissed. Stone knew at once that he had said something disrespectful. “I’m sorry, Amber,” he whispered while looking down at his paws and shifting them nervously. Amber snarled back, “Did you lead me to the Camps of the Brave just because you knew Crescent was there? Oh, you berry sowl!”
Stone froze, and his eyes filled with sorrow. Crescent was his friend who had been captured by a Brave party and sent there as a prisoner. Only a few days later, he realized that he truly loved her. Stone respectfully nodded. “Yes, I take a liking to her, but I will never betray your orders. I did not know that the Brave had expanded their camp.” Amber stared at him, suspicion in her eyes, then shook it away and said, “Alright, then. But remember, we cannot let a few foolish enemy cats stand in our path to the Wise!” Stone slowly nodded in agreement. “Yes, Amber,” he rasped. Suddenly, the Brave cat close to them turned and padded away, leaving a quick zoom across the clearing, the only thing that stood between Amber and Tallhill. For a second, Stone saw his leader’s tail twitch in excitement, but refused to point it out. ‘Amber’s business is Amber’s business!’ he growled silently to himself. By this point, he could make out the faint outline of a special hill in the distance, and suddenly he felt his fur tighten and his tail locked straight in anticipation. Only a few cat-lengths away was Tallhill, a myth only the Brave cats knew was actually true.
The moment all Brave cats weren’t looking, the two cats rushed out from their hiding place. Stone sighed as he felt the smooth, dark gray pebbles massage his pads. He stretched happily in the cool breeze. For a moment, he wasn’t there. For a moment, he was running through his camp with Crescent not far behind, with all his friends who had a place in his heart. Birds chirped in the trees, and the clearing spread happiness into the atmosphere. For a moment, Stone was reliving his best memories, roaming freely and happily through the hills like he owned the sky. He felt his belly fur warm up in the heat of his heart, bumping through home instead of the Camp of the Brave. Stone opened his mouth to allow a taste of refreshing air. Then, after that glorious moment of memory, he heard a dark voice that froze him. Looking up, wide-eyed in terror, he saw a Brave cat standing before him and Amber. “What are you two doing here?” growled the enemy.
His gray shoulders cast a shadow over Amber, and he narrowed his eyes at the leader. “What are you doing on my territory?” he snarled again. Stone opened his mouth to blurt out an answer- any excuse that made the tiniest bit of sense, but it was Amber who spoke first. “We have come to visit Tallhill, to see the Wise,” she hissed. The Brave cat looked down at her, his eyes reflecting ultimate suspicion. “Why?” he asked simply. Amber bared her teeth. For a second, Stone thought that his leader was about to spill their plans. She just meowed in reply, “I cannot tell you that, but it is important for everyone.” For a moment, Stone thought she was being a noble leader, but Amber continued, “Now move, you massive clump of fat, so we can pass!” Immediately, the Brave cat let out a long, loud hiss. He sat up, almost completely trapping Amber and Stone. Amber found her chance to escape and desperately crawled under the cat to get across. She signalled to Stone for him to follow her, and he was nearly crushed, almost too close.
Amber trotted ahead, hoping that she would get to Tallhill. Stone soon caught up, breathing heavily. He stared at his leader, eyes wide with terror. He stopped for a bit to lick his newly-bleeding pads and called over to Amber, “These pebbles are not for running!” Then he stood up and began examining Amber’s run, realizing she was purposely taking bigger steps and jumping a little to avoid injuries. Stone immediately realized how smart she was and copied her movements. Not long after, the stone faded back into smooth grass. Amber sniffed the fresh air, then ran toward Tallhill, just a few pounces away. Still having energy in her from that ingenious zoom, she rushed across the clearing, eager to talk to the Wise, while Stone followed more slowly, measuring every step as if he were an actor performing a play. “We are nearly there!” hissed Amber over her shoulder. “I can almost feel it!” Suddenly, she heard another pair of pawsteps behind her, and Stone braced to see a Brave charging after them…
Stone and Amber practically froze in their tracks like squirrels stopping for acorns. Stone gulped, feeling breath behind him. He braced for battle, ready to crush this cat who stood in their path. Then, he heard the enemy stretching closer. Stone was about to swing back. His claws were out, and his teeth were bared. He heard in the distance, “Stone! Be careful!” and looked in front of him to see that Amber was still frozen, not moving much. Stone was about to attack the Brave cat, ready to strike. But then, something unexpected happened. The cat leaned closer to his back and let out a sigh, then padded a few steps forward. Suddenly, Stone felt something wet and relaxing on his fur. Something that mirrored weirdly familiar and friendly behavior. Stone took a deep sigh and let his eyes narrow in comfort. Was this Brave cat…licking him?
Stone immediately picked up what happened. Why was the enemy…grooming an intruder? His eyes widened instantly, and his fur stood straight, but the cat kept licking. Then it all fell together. She smelled familiar, and her actions were, too! And it clicked into place when she meowed gently, “Long time no see.” Stone listened to the sweet voice and tried to piece together who this cat was. An image suddenly flew into his mind, as if the Wise themselves wanted him to notice. Stone brightened up as he marveled at the picture of a white, finely washed cat with yellow eyes that glowed in the darkness. Finding it too good to be true, Stone turned around and realized that he was right. The cat that licked him wasn’t a Brave! She was Crescent!
Stone enjoyed the grooming from the cat he loved, but he knew he had to be at Amber’s side. He stared into Crescent’s blazing eyes and reached out to lick back, but she ran back to the Camp of the Brave. Stone then remembered that she was a prisoner, found by the Brave and captured against her will. Suddenly, Amber appeared in front of him and guided him towards the place where Tallhill lay. Without a word, she zoomed to it, vanishing into the distance as Crescent had done. Stone hesitated, then padded on towards his leader, eager to see what the Wise- the oldest and most powerful cats alive- had to say. Amber had wanted to visit them because she was warned that enemy camps may attack each other, and the Courageous, Amber’s camp, happened to be in that tangle. Now there was only one thing to do, and that was to go inside and brace for either help or hostility.
Stone watched as Amber entered the mouth of Tallhill and cautiously followed her. Inside were three blind and hairless cats with big ears and moon pendants wrapped around their necks. ‘These are the Wise?’ Thought Stone, looking with amusement in his eyes at how scrawny they were. The tallest one spoke first. “Why do you seek Tallhill?” he asked, bright green eyes reflecting off the walls. Amber stepped up and, to Stone’s surprise, bowed her head. “We seek guidance from war,” she announced calmly and respectfully. The female one behind him stepped up, her purple eyes glowing even brighter. “And why should we be interested in your battles?” she rasped with a hostile edge to her old voice. The tallest one signalled for her to sit down with a flick of his tail, then turned his gaze on a smaller one with a red gaze. The smaller one said, “Phenoa is right. For generations, we have not been supporting those who search for refuge.” Phenoa nodded, her sparkly eyes meeting Stone’s, and announced, “You look for something else.” Stone swallowed. Was this old cat reading his mind? “You seek a cat like none other. You seek…Crescent!”
Stone pushed his head back like he was dodging a blow from an enemy cat. Phenoa ignored it simply and continued, “You- you LOVE her!? Why, he loves her! Then we may be at your service, we MAY.” Stone stared at them, suddenly horrified. Was Crescent tied to the Wise? Or maybe even worse, was she blood-related? Amber shared her companion’s terrified glance. Stone knew by her expression that she was thinking the same. The smallest one stepped up and declared, “Crescent is a descendant of Blanfer and Pheona!” Blanfer, the tallest one, stared at Stone with a knowing look buried in his eyes. “If you mate her,” he began, “we will do anything you would tell us to.”
Amber’s eyes widened, and she grabbed Stone’s leg to swing it out of Tallhill, then shouted, “Your girlfriend is one of the most powerful beings in the world?!” Stone swore it could be heard for miles. “I did not know!” he screamed back. “No wonder the Brave took her! Besides, they are the closest to Tallhill! They must’ve known!” declared Amber. Stone was still completely shocked, his eyes gleaming with a drop of fury. ‘Why did she never tell me?’ he wondered, fur spiking up. ‘And why didn’t she say anything to me when we met today?’ Amber’s taunt shot him out of his thoughts. “Are you mad that your girlfriend never said she had superpowers?!” She let out a crack of laughter. “No, I’m not!” snapped Stone with his gaze locking into a stare at his leader. Then, she gave him a warning glance, and he stopped. Stone sighed. ‘This is going to be a long night,’ he thought.
“Come,” said Stone as he led Amber through the Brave camp peacefully. Amber took the lead when they entered their own camp. “If a Brave comes here, we’re meat,” she hissed. Stone nodded absently and slowed his pace a little.

THE LEGEND LIVES ON IN CHAPTER 2…

What do you think, and should I share Chapter 2?

1 Like

I like the story–it reminds me a lot of the Warriors books. I will say that a lot of my feedback for your DREAMzzz story could also be applied here (formatting and descriptions especially), although this one was a lot better in both regards. I really like the world-building through implications, though! I would be interested in seeing a Chapter 2.

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Thanks a lot!

Yeah. I’m in my WARRIORS-INSPIRED stage!

I will make sure to add more descriptions when editing. Now that I think about it, only that Brave cat, Amber, Stone, and Crescent were described. I think the background characters (like Leaf and Branch) deserve descriptions, too. Thanks!

Thank you so much!

Overall, I accept and appreciate your feedback and, when it’s edited, I’ll re-post Chapter 1 here. But first, I’ll work on that Chapter 2- it’s going to be epic!

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The formatting is really painful, line breaks occur very infrequently. I have no experience with all the middle school anthropomorphic animal conflict books like warrior cats or the mouse one I forget the name of, but outside of them being described as having cat body parts, they all act and interact like standard fantasy characters with fantasy jargon tossed back and forth. It might be par for the course with something like this, but I don’t know.

I’d work on the formatting for sure.

The formatting is most likely because I copied and pasted it from a document- it definitely looked better before. I can add more lines between dialogue.

EDIT: Here is the new-and-improved paragraph 1:

“We’re a long way from camp,” sighed a brown long-haired cat with a yellow eye and a blue one. Then she added with a hiss in her tone, “We’ll never find Tallhill here!” At her side was a gray tabby. He responded, “Relax! We’ll encounter it soon; I’m sure of that.” He swiftly dodged a bush on his left. The brown cat shrugged in defiance, “It is so far from here! We’ve been walking for ages! There is not even a silhouette of it in the distance! Plus, what is the effort of traveling if we know it is still just a myth? We would have passed it by now!” She kicked up soil purposely as she walked. The tabby tried to calm her with licks and replied suddenly. “Listen to me for once! This was your idea, remember? Stop acting like it was me who wanted this!” He saw the brown cat back her head away, realizing he had been too harsh, and widened his eyes. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to blame you! But, remember- Basil had warned us it was far away!” The brown cat stretched her neck back to her companion and brightened. “Well, I guess he did,” she sighed after moments of silence. “Now pick up your pace! You are slower than a rabbit with one leg!”

It still has similar formatting issues to the previous version. For instance, always include a line break when you switch to the perspective of another character, like this:

Like that, it’s a lot easier to read and understand, since it makes it clear which characters are speaking. It also makes it much easier to notice awkward dialogue and descriptions, which can aid with further improvements.

Also, I don’t think you need to include the text in a box like you have it here; you can probably just insert it as normal text.

EDIT: Another thing that could help improve your writing is to try reading out the dialogue, in your head or out loud, in the voice you imagine for the character. That can help you notice if dialogue is clunky or would not make sense for the character to say. For instance, despite the formality of not using contractions, most characters use them in speech almost whenever possible, so the brown cat’s dialogue might look more like this:

There are still more changes that could be made to make it sound more natural, but I’ll leave it at that for now. (Also, what do you mean by “effort of traveling”? “Point of traveling” might work better there.)

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Thanks for the feedback once again!
You’re right- I should add line breaks more often.
The dialogue, I read it in my head by default lol-
But- you are almost right- ‘point’ works better than ‘effort’.

Here is the new and improved paragraph 1:

“We’re a long way from camp,” sighed a brown long-haired cat with a yellow eye and a blue one. Then she added with a hiss in her tone, “We’ll never find Tallhill here!”
At her side was a gray tabby. He responded, “Relax! We’ll encounter it soon; I’m sure of that.” He swiftly dodged a bush on his left.
The brown cat shrugged in defiance, “It is so far from here! We’ve been walking for ages! There is not even a silhouette of it in the distance! Plus, what is the point of traveling if we know it is still just a myth? We would have passed it by now!” She kicked up soil purposely as she walked.
The tabby tried to calm her with licks and replied suddenly. “Listen to me for once! This was your idea, remember? Stop acting like it was me who wanted this!” He saw the brown cat back her head away, realizing he had been too harsh, and widened his eyes. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to blame you! But, remember- Basil had warned us it was far away!”
The brown cat stretched her neck back to her companion and brightened. “Well, I guess he did,” she sighed after moments of silence. “Now pick up your pace! You are slower than a rabbit with one leg!”

I also edited another section:

The gray tabby stared at her for a few moments; then he came rushing over as if the world depended on it. “You are strict but in a way that feels kind,” he purred, but the brown cat had acted as if she was deaf to his flirt.
She signaled to walk a little bit to the right.
At first, the gray tabby didn’t know why she had ordered a change of direction, but froze as he saw she was steering away from a badger about 30 whiskers away. He opened his eyes in silent panic but said nothing.
When they had peacefully passed the danger, the brown cat signalled to track back to the original trail. The smooth green grass soon morphed into pebbles of stone as the two cats headed into hostile territory. She gasped, “Only the Camps of the Brave are pebbled! We are in rival housing!” She hissed at the gray tabby, whispering, “Did you know there were enemies on our journey to talk to the Wise?”
The tabby looked caught off guard, as if he had just stumbled into a tree after waking up from a Walk-Dream. “No, no! I did not, Amber! I promise!” He pleaded, gazing slightly at Amber’s mismatched eyes.
After painful moments of silence and narrowed-eyed staring, the brown cat answered, “Very well. But if we stumble into hostile camps a second time on this journey, I will bite your claws off!”
The gray cat looked at her, trying to hide the terror in his eyes. He swallowed once, but then immediately slunk into a crouched position, his green eyes blazing with fear as a black-furred Brave had almost caught the two enemies on his territory. “You, get Leaf and Branch to search our Field. I will gather our finest cats to collect berries. And you will stay here, making sure no one gets out of our camp until the parties return,” he called to a nearby fellow Brave.
The cat nervously shook her tortiseshell-coated head, then rushed over to Leaf, a white-haired cat, and Btranch, a brown one, and chatted with them for a bit, until they eventually rushed over to the Field. Meanwhile, Amber smirked. “Stone, now that we know their plans, we can attack soon!” she sneered impulsively. The wind had slightly drowned out her voice, as if warning her to keep down.
Stone looked at her and said softly in reply, “Didn’t you hear half of what that cat said?! That Brave will be guarding the camp, you fluff-for-brain!”
Amber glanced at him with a hostile look in her eyes. “You DARE call me, your leader, a fluff-for-brain?” she hissed.
Stone knew at once that he had said something disrespectful. “I’m sorry, Amber,” he whispered while looking down at his paws and shifting them nervously. Although he was hiding it, Stone felt very guilty.
Amber snarled back, “Also, did you lead me to the Camps of the Brave just because you knew Crescent was there? Oh, you berry sowl!”
Stone froze, and his eyes filled with sorrow. Crescent was his friend who had been captured by a Brave party and sent there as a prisoner. Only a few days later, he realized that he truly loved her. Stone respectfully nodded. “Yes, I take a liking to her, but I will never betray your orders. I did not know that the Brave had expanded their camp.”
Amber stared at him, suspicion in her eyes, then shook it away and said, “Alright, then. But remember, we cannot let a few foolish enemy cats stand in our path to the Wise!”
Stone slowly nodded in agreement. “Yes, Amber,” he rasped. Suddenly, the Brave cat close to them turned and padded away, leaving a quick zoom across the clearing, the only thing that stood between Amber and Tallhill. For a second, Stone saw his leader’s tail twitch in excitement, but refused to point it out. ‘Amber’s business is Amber’s business!’ he growled silently to himself. By this point, he could make out the faint outline of a special hill in the distance, and suddenly he felt his fur tighten and his tail locked straight in anticipation. Only a few cat-lengths away was Tallhill, a myth only the Brave cats knew was actually true.
The moment all Brave cats weren’t looking, the two cats rushed out from their hiding place. Stone sighed as he felt the smooth, dark gray pebbles massage his pads. He stretched happily in the cool breeze. For a moment, he wasn’t there. For a moment, he was running through his camp with Crescent not far behind, with all his friends who had a place in his heart. Birds chirped in the trees, and the clearing spread happiness into the atmosphere. For a moment, Stone was reliving his best memories, roaming freely and happily through the hills like he owned the sky. He felt his belly fur warm up in the heat of his heart, bumping through home instead of the Camp of the Brave. Stone opened his mouth to allow a taste of refreshing air. Then, after that glorious moment of memory, he heard a dark voice that froze him. Looking up, wide-eyed in terror, he saw a Brave cat standing before him and Amber. “What are you two doing here?” growled the enemy.
His gray shoulders cast a shadow over Amber, and he narrowed his eyes at the leader. “What are you doing on my territory?” he snarled again.
Stone opened his mouth to blurt out an answer- any excuse that made the tiniest bit of sense, but it was Amber who spoke first.
“We have come to visit Tallhill, to see the Wise,” she hissed. The Brave cat looked down at her, his eyes reflecting ultimate suspicion. “Why?” he asked simply. Amber bared her teeth.
For a second, Stone thought that his leader was about to spill their plans. She just meowed in reply, “I cannot tell you that, but it is important for everyone.”
For a moment, Stone thought she was being a noble leader, but Amber continued, “Now move, you massive clump of fat, so we can pass!” Immediately, the Brave cat let out a long, loud hiss. He sat up, almost completely trapping Amber and Stone. Amber found her chance to escape and desperately crawled under the cat to get across. She signalled to Stone for him to follow her, and he was nearly crushed, almost too close.
Amber trotted ahead, hoping that she would get to Tallhill. Her eyes were locked at its presence. Her tail was trashing in impatience.
Stone soon caught up, breathing heavily. He stared at his leader, eyes wide with terror. He stopped for a bit to lick his newly-bleeding pads and called over to Amber, “These pebbles are not for running!” Then he stood up and began examining Amber’s run, realizing she was purposely taking bigger steps and jumping a little to avoid injuries. Stone immediately realized how smart she was and copied her movements. Not long after, the stone faded back into smooth grass.
Amber sniffed the fresh air, then ran toward Tallhill, just a few pounces away. Still having energy in her from that ingenious zoom, she rushed across the clearing, eager to talk to the Wise, while Stone followed more slowly, measuring every step as if he were an actor performing a play. “We are nearly there!” hissed Amber over her shoulder. “I can almost feel it!” Suddenly, she heard another pair of pawsteps behind her, and Stone braced to see a Brave charging after them…