Matoran Rebellion

This topic will, eventually, hold a legendary tale of matoran on a faraway island, without any Toa. A tale in which everyday matoran would rise up and accomplish something it was thought that only a Toa could do.

Welcome to Matoran Rebellion.

Introduction

Long ago, on an island the complete other side of Bota Magna, Makuta Arthrika, Lieutenant to Teridax, commanded his forces to watch over the entire island. It has been that way for quite some time. The strong prospered, but the weak didn't live to tell the tale. That was, until one brave matoran changed that...

Chapter 1
A long time ago, an ignorant matoran named Talek was doing his job- lava farming. He had been farming the lava for hours,making sure it was perfect. After taking a short break (during which he did absolutely nothing) he went back to work, until, finally, he finished. Then, he did his favorite hobby- lava surfing. His fun was soon cut short as he heard a monsterous shriek and villagers yelling and running away- a Rahkshi was near!
Talek dove for cover, but as he did, the son of Makuta noticed him! He only had two options- to run, or to try to fight it off, which wouldn't work for three reasons- a) Talek had no weapons, preferably a sword. b) the rhakshi was a large, powerful son of Makuta, that's practically a snake in armor, with powers at the end of it's spear. c) no matoran on Kota Nui had ever been strong or stupid enough to fight one!

For now, Talek only had one option- to run. The son of Makuta was fast. Extremely fast! And it was gaining on him! Lucky for him, there was a lava flow ahead- the perfect opportunity for him to keep doing his hobby, lavaboarding! So, he did just that, and surfed across the lava with the board he was using before. But only this time, if he even slowed down, he was done for! Soon, he would be past the flow, and Talek couldn't afford that with the Rahkshi so close behind!

So, he changed direction and the rhakshi still persued him. Then it hit him (almost literally) that he could throw the rocks he was constantly passing at it. He tried this, but the Rahkshi blasted it out of the sky with ease! The Rahkshi gained some distance away from him, and he was ready to leave the lava flow. He got out near the blacksmith's shop. "I NEED A SWORD!" Talek shouted, as he threw the blacksmith the widgets. The blacksmith threw him a long, silver sword, but it hit the ground, and it's blade stuck into the molten earth. Talek ran and grabbed it, but to do this, he had to slow down!, allowing the Rahkshi to catch up with him! Talek was now face-to-face with a son of Makuta! It jabbed it's spear at him, but he rolled just in time for the tip to stick deep into the molten earth. It turned toward him, trying to pull out it's spear. With all of his remaining might, he swung his newfound sword, and heard a final shriek. The rhakshi's head came clean off! The Kratta slug came out, trying to run, but it met it's end by his blade. Talek had slain a son of Makuta!

"You've killed it!" The blacksmith said in excitement. "Uh... Yeah- Yeah! I did!" Talek said, staring at the empty shell joyfully.

His joy was sucked away when he remembered just how many of Makuta Arthrika's dark forces watched over the island, constantly telling him and everyone else what to do, and hurting or even killing them if they can't. The thought enraged Talek.

An expression of sheer rage grew beneath his mask while still staring at the Rahkshi shell. "What if we could do this to more of them?" said, pondering the possibilities. "Then, we could free the island from Arthrika's evil, and-" He was interrupted by the blacksmith asked him if he was insane and could leave after the mention of Makuta Arthrika, the blacksmith was now quivering in fear.

"Fine!" he said confidently. But maybe I'm not insane! Maybe I can find more people the same as me, who also have been given a burning hatred for the Makuta and-" Talek realized he was talking to himself. He laughed slightly as he began his three-day trek out of his village and into Ga-Kota, looking for recruits wherever he went.

Chapter 2

It only took him a few days to get out of Ta-Kota, since he knew it so well. Once he got to Ga-Kota (being the strange person he is) he began to walk around with a picket sign, which said "Join, or die." And had a cut up Bog Snake, each piece symbolizing one of the Kotas. Each matoran there took turns staring at him as if he had three heads. Until one brave matoran ran at him so fast, she almost knocked him over.

"Finally! Someone willing to join the cause! What's your name?" Talek asked. "Gahki!" She responded, almost immediately. "You know what we do here, correct? "Nope! Not at all!" She said proudly. Talek sighed. Here, at what I call the Matoran Rebellion, we are going to try to liberate the island from the darkness of Makuta. If you join, you'll be the first member (other than me) to do so!" "Oh! Okay! Your sign didn't really clarify. At first I thought this was a club where we cut up Bog Snakes!" She said, laughing. Just then, he heard rustling in a nearby plant. He thought nothing of it, as he believed it to be a villager playing around or something along those lines.

The feeling changed when he saw the ball shoot fire at the villager. It was a Tahnok! It had followed him all of the way from Ta-Kota!

"Grab a weapon! He yelled. She ran to get one,and she did! Gahki grabbed a double-sided battle axe! She charged to help her new friend, who was stuck at the maw of a bohrok. She managed to sneak up behind it, and she hit it as hard as she could. The Krana came flying out!

"So, do you still wanna join?" Talek asked. "Oh yeah! Even more so than before!" She quickly responded. "So... I'm not the only recruit?" She asked, hopefully. "Working on that! Where's the nearest section of the island" "Onu-Kota isn't too far from here!" She said, as she led him out of Ga-Kota.

Chapter 3

They had finally arrived at Onu-Koro, and they could hardly see.Talek had even bumped into someone who was working at the mine, wheeling rocks around. They tried to recruit someone, but, once again, that stared at them like they had three heads. Just then, they heard a scream- a matoran was in trouble!

They ran to the scene three fully-fledged Makuta, turned to look at them, then disappeared. They found a monsterous looking matoran- the one that screamed! He bolted upright, and started muttering. Muttering about how he would like to destroy the Makuta!

They asked him to join. "I've got nothing to lose." The matoran said. "What's your name?" Asked Talek, hesitantly. "Onukon" he said. He was horrific. He was black and silver, with three high spikes jutting out from each shoulder, claws, and glowing red eyes. The Makuta hadn't changed him completely, as he still had his own thoughts.

They just left him like this! One makuta returned to finish it's target. It didn't last very long, as the Talek and Gahki cringed as they watched Onukon mercilessly tear it apart. "Wow.... That was.... Brutal! You don't want a weapon?" Talek asked. "No. I have claimed my revenge. One of the Makuta that have turned me into this monster has been destroyed." "Yeah, but it was a little over the top, don'cha think?" Asked Gahki. "NO! DID YOU SEE THE MONSTER THEY TURNED ME INTO?!" He shouted, filled with rage.

"Maybe we can help him! Let's take him with us!" Talek whispered. "Are you sure about this?" Gahki whispered back. "Not at all!" Talek responded with a smile. He saw what Gahki didn't. He saw that he could become a useful ally. Gahki believed that he could snap at any moment and kill everyone in the Rebellion. "Okay, Onukon, you can come with us! We'll help you!" Talek told him. "Fine. Let's go." Then, they had someone new to take to Ko-Koro

Chapter 5
For what must've been days, they travelled through the darkness, until they finally found daylight. They had been in the dark for so long, their eyes burned upon seeing light.

There was a huge building made of ice. Telescopes stretched out of multiple windows. Once again, they went through, recruiting anyone who was actually willing to help. No one! Not one matoran volunteered!

Just then, a crowd began to form over a telescope. "What's that?!" Many of them said. Talek fought his way through the crowd to look. Rhakshi! How could he have been so dumb?! It followed him all of the way from Ta-Kota! Wait- not one- three, he discovered, as two more shapes moved out from behind that one. At last, they landed.

They began breaking ice, swatting away matoran, and it was all his fault! He pushed a matoran out of the way of an explosion of ice, snow, and dust, which probably

would've killed him, and ran with him. "He wore an eyepiece over his mask. "Who do you think you are?" He said, angrily. "No time to explain! Have you ever fought a rhakshi?" "No! Are you insane?" "Possibly" Talek sighed as he ran. "Grab any weapon you'd like! There were a few weapons left on the rack- swords, hammers, lances, shields, and spears. The matoran opted for a short spear and a shield.

The previously peaceful Ko-Kota had almost instantaneously become a war zone. Though none were dead, a great few were injured. "Can you try to help distract one?" Talek asked. "I'll try! I'm Kolak, by the way!" "Cool, but you really needed to tell me that now?" Talek said as they charged into battle. Gaki and Onukon were already there, dodging, weaving, and striking two rhakshi. Kolak handled the third. After that, the battle was quick. Talek got the Kraata slugs out of their shells, and the other three destroyed them. "We actually did it!" Kolak proclaimed.

"I suppose I'll join you guys, as you would probably fall apart after a while without someone sensible, (this comment angered Talek slightly)but I'll need a few minutes." After about an hour of Kolak packing up his research and saying his goodbyes, he was of with the other three, defending the island and searching for recruits for the Matoran Rebellion.

This would had been a good story but there are some problems I have with it, the obvious ones are that Chapter 2 is way too shout, there are two Chapter 3 (which I'm guessing you didn't notice that mistake) and Chapter 5 is well you can obviously see the problem.

The story lacks a lot of things and have problems like Talek immediately wanted to start a rebellion without any thought or anything, chapter 2 you could have made it of Talek thinking threw of starting a rebellion.

Chapter 3 lack of what the character was thinking when it needed that with Onukon, at the end of that chapter it could had go better like this:

"Maybe we can help him! Let's take him with us!" Talek whispered, thinking with Onukon ability he could be a great member to the team. But Gahki on the other hand thinks differently, because of what have happened to Onukon, he could immediately snap at some point killing anyone he see.

"Are you sure about this?" Gahki whispered back. "Not at all!" Talek responded with a smile having hope for the Onu-Matoran. "Okay, Onukon, you can come with us! We'll help you!" Talek told him. "Fine. Let's go." Then, they had someone new to take to Ko-Koro

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Hmm...I can see where you're coming from with some of those! I added chapter two into one, got rid of the second three, (sorry about both of those, by the way!) and edited chapter 3, as I liked your idea, and I've thought of the problem with chapter one before you mentioned it, and am currently trying to think of a way for that to be a plausible conclusion for Talek to reach. I don't quite get your criticism with chapter five, though.

You're welcome. :stuck_out_tongue:

Thanks and now there isn't a chapter 3 XD
Also what I mean with Chapter 5 is that there isn't any space like the other chapter.

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Oh! That's much less minor than I had expected! :laughing:

Edit: I fixed the spaces! :smile:

The concept is interesting, but here is some constructive criticism:

Talek lacks development as a character. The sudden urge after killing a Rahkshi (which you misspelled by accident I assume) to kill a makuta is too quick. There needs to be an emotional buildup that leads to this decision and explains his utter hatred for the makuta. The transitions between dialouge and action are very weak, for example, the two matoran are talking and a bohrok just rolls up. If you wanted to give the effect of having something appear unexpectedly, then I would suggest adding in narrative descriptions of what is occurring in the surrounding environment to hint at a suspenseful moment approacing. For example: "Talek was suddenly interrupted by a noise he heard coming from a nearby plant. He cautiously walked over to the plant with his weapon in one hand and a fist in the other. Talek was about to pull back one of the branches when a Tahnok pounced at him!"

Another thing I noticed was that the audience is given little backstory to what the heck is going on. What I mean is that we are given canon characters and activities (rahkshi and lava surfing) in a non canon environment. It is easier for the reader to understand the story if there is context as to why these two things coexist. Another thing is that there is a lack of descriptive world building. When I write fan fiction I find that giving a good amount of information about the setting of the story makes the end result a lot more captivating. This is extremely important, especially when you are working with a short story. The transitions from one area of this unknown land to another are kind of like Mask of Light the movie. They are short and only have a minimum amount of character development/interaction in each scene until the characters hurry off to somewhere else.

I hope this is helpful and good luck.

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Thanks for the suggestions! I added a brief introduction, and added more to the story. I FINALLY figured out a way to make the rebellion seem like a plausable conclusion! And-

grumble grumble...

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