So now it’s summer, and with summer comes some new Bonkles that I must take all of the fun out of. If you saw my winter reviews, you know the drill: in order to subvert Eljay’s generally bad reviews, I review everything in much better fashion than he ever does, with far more expediency as well. No more time wasted watching stupid skits where LJ whines about Hewkii being a different color or cries about a set having blue pins; here, you’re just given the straight truth about these sets.
One thing occurred to me when reviewing these sets, though. They are all trash. So, rather than simply dedicate an entire topic telling you how everything sucks (which admittedly would be par for the course), I’m going to instead rank the sets, from least terrible to most terrible, and if you really want to waste your money on these things then you can start from the less horrible portion of the list.
Final note of disclosure; since I needed to get this topic out in time in order to get lots of likes, I don’t actually own any of these sets. Thankfully, though, that’s not too much of an issue; in order to get an accurate idea of how good a set is, just get Scarillian’s opinion and figure out whatever the exact opposite of that would be.
All ready? Cool. Let’s get started with my completely 100% objective factual no dispute whatsoever reviews.
TIER 1: Not all that terrible (Arkham Origins quality)
Skull Grinder vs. Mask Maker: Or as it’s known in that weird alternate world where they actually publish names on the sets, Kulta vs. Ekimu. Anyway, this set features some guy with a chin to rival Hacker’s from Cyberchase taking on some guy who’s been asleep for God knows how long now. How will this exciting battle conclude? Probably poorly for Rip Van Winkle, which is why they threw in an extra Mask of Creation to help turn the tide. Sadly no one has any idea what this mask does and we’ve been shown nothing to think it will help in any way, but if nothing else you can use it to create an alternate reality where the Star Wars prequels don’t exist.
TIER 2: Can we go back and retcon this? (Nintendo 2015 E3 conference quality)
Skull Basher: I debated putting him with Skull Grinder and that guy who somehow beat Gali out for having the worst voice in the Winter animations. He doesn’t quite make it, though. The trans purple pieces are fantastic and the horns are decent, but he’s ultimately undone by his Onua feet and the fact that he can probably be tricked into running off a cliff if you just wave a red cape near the edge. Also not a fan of the trans red in this set.
Skull Warrior: Some pretty good pieces, but they really screwed up with those…feet…if they can even be called that. Guy truly needs some toenail clippers. The trans blue Kopaka mask is yes, but bows stopped being cool around 2012 when every action movie had at least one character with one, and he’s totally got the shoulder armor on the exact wrong side if he plans on aiming with his left hand. Also, Lego completely missed a wonderful opportunity to name this guy “Skeleton Warrior.”
TIER 3: Seal it inside a container of two week old casserole and lock it in a freezer (Star Fox Adventures quality)
SKULL SLLLIIIIIIIIICCCCCCEEEEERRRRRRR: Ignoring what is quite possibly the worst review of any Bionicle set ever, Skull Slicer is a mistake on so many levels. He’s got a color scheme that resembes a slightly armored alien from the “Life on Mars” Lego line. Also, the guy’s legs look like toothpicks. His bones look extremely frail, suggesting that you will have to spend a lot of money on milk to get him back to healthiness.
TIER 4: Dear God Why? (Ride to Hell: Retribution quality)
NOT Solek: Ha ha Mesonak sucks.
Skull Scorpio: Arguably the worst Bionicle set winds up at the bottom, not for its horrible color scheme, lack of posability, extremely silly design or having a Karzahnii trap for a tail. Rather, this set winds up at the bottom because it has done the unthinkable. It has created an unspeakable divide between Calvatron and I over whether his Pohatu mask is lime and gold or lime and yellow. No other Bionicle set has the power to ruin friendships (or acquaintances) like this one. Don’t buy it. It will ruin your life. If you’ve got $20 that needs wasting at summer’s end, buy a TTV T-■■■■■. It will be less of a mistake. Somehow.
So there you have it. The summer sets. How will the 2016 sets (aka totally not the Bohrok) turn out? Who knows. For now, feel free to leave a comment letting me know what I did wrong. And then go develop better opinions.
-MT
