Hey everyone. You may have noticed that recently, LJ finally uploaded his first review of the winter wave of 2015 Bionicles. His first. Out of 13 sets. Can you imagine how long it’ll take him to finish the entire wave?
People look at reviews to determine whether they want to buy a set or not; but if you wait until LJ gives you a review of a set to decide if you want it, you’ll probably be waiting until the summer sets come out before you know whether to get the winter sets or not. So with that in mind, here’s a placeholder. Quick, succint reviews, with an up or down verdict at the end.
“How can you do this so quickly, MT?” you ask. “Most of the sets aren’t even at my store yet!” This is a fair question; as I haven’t found all the sets in stores myself. However, actually having the set to review isn’t as necessary a component to making a review as you would think. All you need is some forceful words, a strong presence, and a generally negative outlook on life. It also helps if you’re a great MoCer like I am.
So with that said, here are MT’s Recenter Reviews for the 2015 Bionicle Winter Sets:
TAHU
Pros: Costs $20 despite only having 2 more pieces than Gali so you’ll give Lego more money, hasn’t been poisoned by a Lehrahk yet, lava surfboard not designed with the seemingly obvious fatal flaw of needing to put one of your feet in the lava this time around, has what I assume to be a portable radio on his chest plate, wields a set of portable chopsticks for any Chinese restaurant you may take him to
Cons: Banana colored gear on the back, portable chopsticks aren’t all that useful in combat outside of fighting General Tso, wearing the golden mask makes him look like an inverse Samus Aran
Verdict: Why are you even looking at this. It’s Tahu. You’d buy it even if it was a Ritz Cracker with a Hau scribbled on it
KOPAKA
Pros: Once again the only Toa that realized the usefulness of carrying two full fledged weapon sets into battle, the steroids he’s taken since last time will surely help him fight off any spiders in your house, will never sprain his ankle due to having an entire football uniform’s worth of padding attached to his lower leg
Cons: What is with these banana gears, usage of steroids means he’ll sound like a woman in 30 or so years, his ice skates are unfortunately useless since no one bothered to tell him the blades need to be pointed down in order to go anywhere, ridiculous ankle padding requires a forklift to carry him around everywhere, his secondary weapon is not quite as useful at restaurants
Verdict: Maybe put your plans to get him…on ice. I realize having Kopaka would make things just like cold times, but you should probably chill out on the hype for this guy. Probably give him the cold shoulder, cause Kopaka’s all bark and no frostbite.
ONUA
Pros: Can probably use him to help track down Kopaka’s steroid provider, giant drill can double as a cake mixer, will double as an airbag in an emergency, excellent addition to your neighborhood football team, can have the most ridiculously well guarded torso in the history of bionicle with the help of his protector, voiced by Arnold Schwarzenegger now?
Cons: Is apparently sleepy, turns “help I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” into a recurring problem, is somehow outdone in coolness by his protector, what is with these stupid banana gears
Verdict: Depends on if you’re in the market for a bodyguard or a success story for “Muscle Milk”
GALI
Pros: Courage as deep as the ocean, makes excellent usage of a pogo stick as a weapon, fantastic trans blue limbs, flippers allow her to stand in for sick dolphins at SeaWorld
Cons: Only Toa to see her Voice Actor get worse from Mask of Light (although to be fair that’s because Lego forgot Gali was female), inspires a ridiculous amount of terrible fanart, gear on the back is doing its best impression of an Emergency Response Team Vehicle, was advertised to tell bad jokes but hasn’t told a single one yet
Verdict: Don’t buy it unless you desperately need a water polo partner with an unsettling voice
POHATU
Pros: Apparently became Australian during Bionicle’s down time (boomerangs?), first Toa of Stone to actually be brown since freaking 2005, yellow gear on the back not as noticeable due to his terrible color scheme
Cons: Entire artistic team suffered near fatal head injuries when they were designing him, decided that lime green would look good on a Toa with brown armor, made his left and right arms different colors, has teeth growing out of his right forearm (told you that lime green stuff was bad), skull spider has a scorpion tail on the end meaning it’ll hurt twice as much when you step on it
Verdict: Don’t buy it. Just don’t. It’ll just encourage them to do even weirder color schemes. If you buy this stuff, we’re liable to end up with freaking orange Toa of Stone in a few yea…oh wait
LEWA
Pros: Apparently visited the Marvel universe before getting rebooted where he acquired the “X-Glider,” has the best color of skull spider, no longer wears LJ’s mask, banana color gear is actually not that awful with his color scheme
Cons: Why would you not use the lime green limbs here, weapons lack some utility considering over half of the blade is below his hand, axes containing what I assume are turbines are probably not going to withstand too many hits, will inevitably have to get rescued by Onua at some point in the story
Verdict: Buy it just to annoy Greg Farshety. Just make sure you use Tree Speak when you reach the checkout line
LORD OF SKULL SPOODERS
Pros: Can pull double duty as a Halloween decoration for next year, cool technic function, trans orange parts are nice, may or may not scare off unwanted insects, no one is buying it at all so its extremely avaliable. Seriously, you can walk into a Hobby Lobby and find it (probably not but still)
Cons: May or may not invite unwanted spiders, no armor to cover up technic bits, requires a stupid gold mask to control other spiders for some reason, color scheme resembles gothic Candy Corn (thanks banana gears), doesn’t come with its own skull spider for reasons, has a rather easily exploitable flaw of being incredibly vulnerable to a can of Insect Repellent
Verdict: Buy it just to keep it from feeling lonely and support whatever hacks are currently working at Lego’s naming department
PROTECTORS
Pros: Cool blasters, cool trans parts, some cool combiner models off these guys, some cool pieces, insert generic real review stuff here
Cons: Despite their name, will not protect your home against robbers. Get beat up in every single comic that comes with a big set. All awkwardly wore the same mask to the same saving the island event, never thought to call pest control before bringing the Toa in
Verdict: Go for it, if you want to enjoy looking for those accursed tiny projectiles for the rest of your life
-MT