Radrix's backstory-on short

I said it will come soon, so here it is, on short:

There was a Ta-Matoran once who dreamed of destiny, being a hero. He always dreamed of it, knowing it would never be true. You never know the destiny’s way, it came to the matoran and he became a Toa. He allied himself with another, Potan (coming soon MOC), a skilled Toa in the art of combat. They had a powerful team together, fighting the worst villains on their island, and beyond- the LoS. How many they defeated, we don’t know, but they won battles after battles, the villain alliance almost corrupted, until Radrix was lured to the dark side- Nimrack’s craftiness shadowed him and made him in one of his dark servants. Potan had to fight for him, as the best friend, to think carefully on a way for bringing him back. Finally he found the Radiant Spear- a weapon designed for destroying the darkness in a person. It’s ability could be used only one time, and only in the hands of light. There also was the opposite, if it passed into dark hands it could get the power of darkness. A grand battle was between the foster friends, until Potan struck Radrix with it, lighting him back.

This is it, updated, and extended, I am okay with this one, I won’t change it again.Hope you like it and please constructive comments down below. Thanks!

And also, a link to the MOC: Radrix, Self-MOC

Nimrack: Nimrack,Night Rahkshi

First off, I would not consider this a one-shot, (or on short?) since this is his backstory (or a fairly abridged version of it) A one-shot is either a self contained story, or something relating to the plot that isn’t 100% needed (or it is in my eye)

Secondly I feel like some parts are skipped, such as “how did Radrix become a Toa?” or “How did Nimrack so easily convert Radrix to performing a heel turn?”

Thirdly: grammar. sentences seem a bit off in my mind, the main culprit being [quote]
Potan (coming soon MOC), a skilled Toa in fighting

In my mind, I would’ve wrote it as…

“Potan, a Toa skilled in the art of combat”

I am not also sure on some of the odd placement of hyphens, Ta-Matoran is a correct way to use a hyphen, but then stuff such as

I believe that these are typos?

Then there is also sentences such as [quote]
Potan had to fight for him, as the best friend, to think carefully on a way for bringing him back

that look to be cobbled together, poorly, as if the sentences were stitched together.

And finally, this backstory could’ve been slightly extended to one to three paragraphs (potentially with one being shorter compared to the rest) as some of the topics shown can be extended. Examples from earlier on being: Radrix’s metamorphosis into a Toa and his conversion to the dark side via Nimrack’s, and a small epilogue after the battle, akin to a “Where are they now?” scene.

Overall: this story needs quite a bit of polish, but I could see this being kind of an interesting read, after some polish that is.


Thanks for comment, I’ll see how I can improve it! I said its on short, that’s why I didn’t write all the things, I’m thinking to write a complete story, including smaller details.

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