That actually adds a lot to it for me; thanks for being flexible!
That’s more complex than Teridax’s plan. 
I see now, thank you for explanation.
Ah, so it actually has a nice background. Haven’t realized before.
Once more I agree with rainsong, rewritten ending is much better and more clear. Now it is perfect indeed.
I wanted to ask, will you share promo-material for this book as for the Secrets of the Mountain? I do not insist of course, but it was very cool back then…
Right, glad you reminded me, that was something I planned on doing.
I actually made an original attempt at this story that was very different from the current version. I got about 3 1/2 chapters in and decided I didn’t like where it was going, so I started over. Among other things:
- Lhikan and Jovan were originally part of Ruhko’s group from the start. It felt like I introduced too many characters right from the beginning, and I had a rather long scene of the characters catching up on a bunch of stuff the audience would already know, the one new bit of info being:
- Originally, it was going to be a thing where you could teleport into the star, but not back out. I was always uncertain about this idea, as I couldn’t figure out how that would make sense, and when I came up with Botar’s role in the story, I scrapped it entirely.
If Kopaka still had any doubts about Mavrah’s story, they were gone now. Because the figure standing in front of him was unmistakably… “Turaga Lhikan?”
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“Well, I see you know me,” the Turaga said. “But I don’t know you. I believe introductions are in order?”
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As usual, Pohatu spoke first. “I’m Pohatu, Toa Nuva of Stone, and this is Kopaka, Toa Nuva of Ice. Turaga Vakama has told us much about you.”
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“Turaga Vakama?” Lhikan said. “I see. So he passed his Toa power on to you, then?”
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Kopaka shook his head. “No. He used his Toa power to awaken the Matoran. We came from… somewhere else.”
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“Ah. And pray tell, how did you die?”
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“For the last time, we haven’t died,” Kopaka growled. “We were brought here by a teleporter named Gaardus.”
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“A teleporter?” Lhikan’s eyebrows shot up. “Tell me, where is he?”
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“Dunno,” Pohatu said. “He disappeared, right after he got us here.”
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“If he’s smart, he went back to Spherus Magna,” Kopaka added.
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Lhikan shook his head. “I doubt it,” he said. “It’s nearly impossible to teleport out of this place.” **
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“Wait,” Kopaka said. “So you’re saying Gaardus is still somewhere on the Red Star?”
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“It’s likely, yes,” Lhikan said.
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“If he is, he’s probably not happy about it,” Pohatu said.
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“He can get in line.” This came from the grey-armored Turaga who had been leaning against the wall next to Lhikan. Up until now, he hadn’t spoken. “So, if you haven’t died, does that mean the Kestora don’t know you’re here?”
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Kopaka grimaced, remembering the three Kestora he’d frozen earlier. “I believe they do,” he said.
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“Darn it,” the grey-armored Turaga said. “It would be great if they didn’t. You could be our secret weapon.”
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“Secret weapon?” Pohatu repeated, confused.
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“Forgive me, where are my manners?” the Turaga said. “My name is Jovan. Turaga of Magnetism, former leader of the Matoran of Voya Nui. Died around the same time as Lhikan here.”
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“Wait, did you say Voya Nui?” Pohatu interrupted. “My team and I, we’ve been there.”
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“You have?” Jovan said. “The Matoran of Voya Nui, Garan and the rest; how are they doing?”
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“They’re surviving,” Pohatu said. “Last I checked, they were with our buddy, Axonn. Big, strong guy; I’m sure he’ll keep them safe.”
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“Oh good,” Jovan said. “I’d hate to think they died, or worse, got stuck in this place.”
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**Lhikan would’ve known this due to having met Botar at some point on the Star.
- Originally, Ruhko was the one who didn’t like the Toa Nuva due to being killed by a Toa, and Quilha would have been the one to put him in his place instead of Mavrah. It was starting to feel like too many characters killed by Toa, though, and I realized it would be a lot simpler and make more sense to have Quilha fill the role.
“My name’s Ruhko. I’m in charge around here, been here longer than most anyone. And I’m done with it. We’re getting out of this place. Toa, are you going to help us or not?”
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Lhikan and Jovan both stared at him, incredulous. “That’s no way to talk to a Toa,” Lhikan said.
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“Oh, forgive me,” Ruhko said, sarcasm dripping from his voice. “Toa, are you going to help us or not, please?”
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“Of course we’ll help,” Pohatu said. “That’s what Toa do.” Ruhko snorted slightly at that.
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“We would like to know what it is we’re helping with, though,” Kopaka added. “You say you want off of this star. Do you have a plan?”
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[Same basic plan he has in the final version]
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“We also need to do something about the crazies,” Ruhko continued. “The Kestora sure haven’t. Either fix them, or kill them.”
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Kopaka’s eyes widened at that last part. “Woah woah woah, we can’t just kill them like that,” Pohatu protested.
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“Oh, that’s right, ‘Toa don’t kill’,” Ruhko said. “Well, I’ve got news for you: many people on this star are already worse than dead. Of course, we’ll save who we can, but there’s many that are beyond hope. So, are you in?”
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Kopaka hesitated for a moment. “We’re in for helping you escape this place,” he said. “But we are not killing anyone. Is that clear?”
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“As mud,” Ruhko said. “C’mon, let’s go see the others.” He started to walk off.
- And for the weirdest one: originally, the character that became Delara was going to be a Toa Kaita (of a lightning, fire, and gravity Toa) that died while fused, and as a result, got stuck fused. However, it was essentially three totally new characters, and I wasn’t sure how much sense it made. I do still like the way he was described, as he was going to have been crushed by his own gravity power.
“Toa!”
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The cry came from around the corner. Quilha turned back to see a figure come around the corner. The figure’s armor was a wild mix of colors, white and blue and black and purple and red, all jumbled up with no apparent cohesion. Its body looked like it had been crushed and mangled beyond recognition, then vaguely reformed into something barely humanoid.
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“Toa…” the figure moaned. “Toa… must kill…”
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Before Pohatu could react, the attacker was on him, swinging a scythe weapon at his head. He just barely managed to bring the staff of his own weapon up to block. Lightning crackled as the two weapons met; fortunately, Pohatu’s weapon was insulated against lightning attacks.
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It did give him an idea, though. He raised the Kestora Blaster and fired, unleashing a blast of lightning at the attacker. But the lightning just bent around the attacker, not touching it. Of course; if it had lightning powers, the Kestora’s weapon would be useless against it.
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Kopaka had his own solution. Levelling his blade, he unleashed a blast of ice, intending to freeze it just as he had with the Kestora. To his surprise, the creature met the attack with a burst of fire, and the two attacks cancelled each other out.
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How much power does this thing have? Kopaka thought.
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Lhikan was smart enough to recognize when to fight and when to retreat. “Fall back!” he cried.
That was as far as I got with the original version (all other scenes in it are scenes I adapted into version two, with minor differences). As for this version, there’s a few things:
- Originally, after Mavrah’s speech, Lhikan and Mavrah had a slightly different exchange, that felt a little out ot character for Mavrah.
As the group began to move, Lhikan looked at Mavrah. “That was a nice speech,” he said. “You would make a great Turaga.”
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“Nah,” Mavrah said. “I’d have to be a Toa first, and I’d rather not have to deal with that, thank you very much.” He grinned. “For now, though, I’ll settle for helping these Toa save us all.”
- Originally, Ruhko fixed the send-back (kinda), and used it on Quilha. This raised several issues, including the fact that Ruhko wouldn’t use it until he was sure that whoever they sent wouldn’t just get stuck, they had no way to contact Quilha to see if it worked, and narrative-wise, it was pointless when the Star was going to crash anyway.
Plus, I like Quilha as a character, and this would have effectively written her out of the group.
“I think I’ve got it.”
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Ruhko snapped the metal covering of the machinery back in place. “I’ve reset the machine’s queue. It should have whoever’s stuck, or whoever it thinks is stuck, at the back of the line. It’s temporary; I’d like to find out who’s stuck in it and see if I can get them out somehow. But there’s only one way to find out if it worked…”
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“I’ll go,” Quilha said. “Unless this is gonna kill me or something. It won’t, will it?”
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“It won’t,” Ruhko said. Under his breath, he added, “I think.”
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Quilha layed down on the bed of machinery, and Ruhko flipped the switch. There was a bright flash of light, and then… darkness.
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Quilha looked around, but she couldn’t see anything. Had it worked? Was she still on the star, or somewhere else? If so… where?
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“Hello?” she called.
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A few seconds later, light appeared, as a door opened nearby. She turned to see another Ga-Matoran standing there. “Hey there, how’d you get here?” the Ga-Matoran said.
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“Is this… is this the Red Star?” Quilha said.
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The Ga-Matoran shook her head. “No. This is… well, it used to be Metru Nui.”
And finally, I don’t have anything written for this, but my original explanation for why the Star broke involved the Inika lightning. Basically, some other Matoran used a canister to leave the Robot, got struck by lightning from the Star, and became a Toa, years before the Toa Inika. The lightning generator on the Star fried some wires, though, and then people couldn’t be sent back.
This raised more questions than it answered, though, like: who was this Matoran? Why did he leave the Robot? What happened to him? Did he ever make it back in the Robot? Why didn’t the Great Beings recognize that the Inika lightning thing would fry the wires? Seems like such a stupid oversight, and as an aspiring engineer myself, it bothered me to no end that the GB’s would make that mistake. None of these questions have answers, as I scrapped the idea very early on.
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Those are a lot of good ideas. I don’t know if I like them more or less than the final version, but they are certainly good.
I agree that this one doesn’t quite make sense.
Again, I think you made the right choice.
This is awesome. I would have loved to see this in the final cut. (or perhaps Part 2?)
This is an awesome little scene, though I agree it probably isn’t worth it to remove Quilha from the story.
Because they’re geniuses, not smart. I could absolutely see the Great Beings doing this.
If you want to link it to the Inika lightning, here’s an idea:
I don’t really like the idea of the Inika lightning in the first place, since it seems like to much of a plot convenience. At least, in the way that it was explained (Why would it turn Matoran into Toa outisde the Red Star? Why didn’t it do that to any of the Matoran on Voya Nui or Mata Nui?).
So, here’s an alternate explanation: the lightning was a result of the Kestora trying to get things up and running, and they imbued the Inika with the Toa Power of long-dead Toa. I still don’t know why this would have happened, but I like it more than “the Red Star randomly turns Matoran into Toa”.
(Just don’t think too hard about where/who the masks might have gotten their sentience from)
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Owww…
But it is actually a very interesting idea.
Willess, just like previous time, I think all your decisions were right. Only Toa Kaita seems fitting at all to me. Especially I think that Turaga Jovan is much better in final version, much more unique.
On a different matter: I don’t know if I can create them all, but I might one day (probably before launch of Toa Hagah Contest) do some MOCs for characters from your stories. And even use them to recreate scenes, make illustrations for several chapters. First of all, will it be okay, or I shouldn’t do it? Second of all, if I can, then what masks/weapons/any other special things do Quilha, Ruhko and Ivohku have?
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Sure, feel free! I have a moc of Delara in progress, but I’ve no plans for the others yet; wouldn’t mind seeing what you come up with.
Interesting question; I don’t usually come up with those details unless they’re relevant to the story, or I’m making a moc. Quilha was shown with an Electro-blade (which could be any piece, the 07 Matoran had three different ones), Ruhko had a Kestora Lightning blaster, and Ivohku had a sword and a gravitic disruption blaster. Mask-wise, I have no idea; I’m gonna say Ivohku has a Ruru, but feel free to give him whatever mask you have if you’re making a physical moc.
Woohoo! Finally got around to reading this; it was awesome!
By the way, don’t feel like you have to cram in every character into your stories so that we know everyone’s whereabouts, especially if your really struggling to fit some into the storyline. I think it would be intriguing if some characters were just left MIA.
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This was the serial continuation I started with, and boy, does it ever have the x-factor. 
I was initially hesitant to read story serial continuation fan-fiction, as I didn’t want it to mess with my expectations of the official serials were they ever to come back;- and was I ever missing out on some awesome and cathartic content!
Thank you immensely for not caring how broken the Red Star was and giving us the awesome character interactions we may have only thought possible in a “what-if” alternate universe!*
(You do character-writing in a super satisfying way;- it’s so good to have these fictional peeps back to spend some time with.
)
*And also thank you for setting up the likelihood that after all is said and done, the stakes will have. returned.
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Thanks!
It’s probably because character interactions are what I love the most and spend the most time thinking of. Even when I was little, I used to come up with four random hypothetical people and make a story about them just having a conversation. And even now, I still think of character interactions a fair bit – I ran through the scene where Mavrah confronts Quilha on her treatment of the Toa probably a dozen times in my head before I even wrote it.
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