Yes, I did, thank you.
quietly wonders how both I and my friend who proofread this story missed that
No problem.
Also, I’ve heard people complain that Mata Nui’s character didn’t fall in line with the ruler of a universe and that he should have been initially more demanding or caring only about himself. But I like that you pointed out his naivety and I think that could be a fitting characteristic of the ruler of a universe, as well.
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You had me worried for a moment bringing back Matoro. Please no 
I don’t think Mata Nui is a ruler. He was the universe but it was his body, he wasn’t sit on a throne. He didn’t pay attention to his inabitants, as we don’t pay atention to our cells. As he was built, he is a explorer and caring (he was destined to reform Spherus Magna). Only when he was banished, he undertood that he had people inside him.
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Right, well, the idea still remains that he didn’t have any experience in even communicating with others face-to-face, so it’s reasonable that he’d read other’s emotions similar to how a child would.
Chapter as good as previous were. Same pros. 
Word “guy” three times in a row, sound not very smoothly.
And in the second part there are 5 Toa Hagah at campsite, and Kongu, Metus and 1 Toa Hagah (Iruini?) gone away. Why at the end Metus says “teammates”, if there is only one of them?
good point, yeah. Unintentional overuse of words is my Achilles heel of writing.
If you mean this:
I was counting Norik in that. So, four Toa Hagah at the campsite: Norik, Kualus, Bomonga, and an unmentioned Iruini; while Gaaki and Pouks are with Metus. Gaaki and Pouks were who Metus meant when he said teammates.
Hope that clears up the confusion. 
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Didn’t metus give a fake name to the toa hagah?
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Oh, I’ve misunderstood the whole thing, my mistake. Thank you for clarifiying.
Also, I wanted to, hmm, discuss the part where Marendar appears: some time ago there was a topic where continuation of Marendar’s story was discussed. And I really like the idea that was here. Do you consider it? It is just so logical, I think it would be cool continuation.
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Oh, shoot, you’re right!
It’s kinda an important detail later, too, so I should definitely fix that.
Probably, yeah. I don’t have any ideas involving Marendar yet, but he’s got to show up eventually.
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Fun fact: two of the newest literature topics almost have the title of my story split between them.
Nothing wrong with that, just found it kinda funny.
Anyway, new chapter!
Chapter 5
Jaller was starting to get very worried.
First, Kongu had inexplicably disappeared. The other Toa Mahri had returned to the Fortress, but they had seen no sign of their missing companion. Jaller had sent Nuparu to scout around the Fortress with his Mask of Stealth, and the Toa of Earth had yet to return.
We’re down two members, we have no idea what’s going on here or where we even are, Jaller thought. We need a new plan, and perhaps some allies.
“Look out!”
Lost in thought, Jaller almost didn’t hear Hewkii’s cry. He turned to see Hewkii running toward him, raising his hands. Then he looked up, and saw what had the Stone Toa panicked: part of the cliffside had collapsed, and was about to fall on top of him, only Hewkii’s power holding it back.
Jaller yelped and moved out of the way, just as Hewkii released his control and let the rocks crash to the ground. Jaller caught a glimpse of Hewkii, caught in the avalanche.
“Hewkii!” he cried.
He started to run into the pile of rocks, but then he saw someone standing up in the cloud of dust. He breathed a sigh of relief.
But when the dust cleared, it wasn’t Hewkii who stood before him. It was Nuparu. “Oh, hey Jaller,” the Earth Toa said. “Sorry about that. Thought I’d use my power to make a staircase, instead of climbing down; didn’t mean to cause an avalanche.”
“You nearly crushed us,” Jaller said. “Wait, where’s Hewkii?”
“Over here,” the Stone Toa replied, pushing aside some rocks. “My power kind of gave out there for a moment, just barely managed to get it back under control to avoid being crushed.”
“Jaller, we’ve made a serious mistake,” Nuparu said. “We need to go back.”
“Back?” Jaller said, confused.
“To the Skakdi,” Nuparu said. “Don’t you remember? We served them earlier. Then that… thing… made us forget, and we thought we had to leave. But I remember now. We should be with the Skakdi.”
“Nuparu, what are you talking about?” Jaller said, starting to worry.
“The Skakdi are the new power in this world,” Nuparu said. “We should be serving them, not trying to escape from them.”
Abruptly, Jaller had a vague memory, of himself saying something very similar, back on Zakaz. That was the last thing he could remember before waking up in the Fortress. In which case…
“Nuparu, you’re under a trance,” he said. “You must have been caught in it again when you went back to the Fortress. You have to snap out of it.”
“No!” Nuparu said. “It’s you who’s under a trance. And I’m going to make you see reason…” Nuparu raised his weapons, “…by force if necessary.”
“Nuparu, don’t–” It was too late. Nuparu’s Blaster Blade unleashed a shockwave, knocking Jaller off his feet. He landed on the ground, and felt the dirt begin to swallow him.
Hewkii raised his hand, unleashing a hand of stone to grab the Earth Toa. At least, that’s what he tried to do, but just like earlier, his elemental power wouldn’t obey him.
“Having trouble?” Nuparu said. “Maybe it’s a sign, that you’re not using it how you’re meant to. You should be using your power in service of the Skakdi.”
“Okay, I don’t know what trick you’re pulling here,” Hewkii said. “But if powers don’t work on you, maybe this will shock some sense into you.” He swung his electrified chains toward the Toa of Earth.
But Nuparu easily blocked the attack with his shield. Then he unleashed another shockwave. Hewkii barely managed to stay standing.
“Please,” Nuparu said. “A blind worm could’ve blocked that attack, the way you – oof!” Nuparu’s taunt was abruptly cut off as Hahli tackled him to the ground.
Released from the pull of the earth, Jaller got back to his feet, and saw the Toa of Water and the Toa of Earth grappling on the ground. “Hewkii, can’t you restrain him with your powers?”
“I can’t!” Hewkii replied. “It’s like my elemental powers just aren’t responding.”
Nuparu tossed Hahli aside, and she slammed into a nearby rock, crying out in pain. Jaller ran to her side, but she wasn’t seriously hurt.
Meanwhile, Nuparu got back up. “Enough of this,” he grumbled. “Perhaps if I kill one of you, you’ll see reason.”
Hahli gasped. “Toa don’t kill,” Hewkii said.
“That’s right, they don’t,” Nuparu said. “But the Skakdi do, and they know better than us, don’t they?”
But before Nuparu could attack, the Stone around him shaped into a hand, grabbing him and restraining him.
Jaller glanced at Hewkii. “I thought you said you couldn’t use your powers?”
“That wasn’t me,” Hewkii replied, just as confused.
“No, it was me.”
Startled, Jaller turned to see two more Toa approaching. He recognized them. “Gaaki! Pouks! How’d you guys get here?”
“It’s a long story,” Pouks said. “For right now, though, we need to get away from that Fortress, and get your friend out of that trance.”
“You know how we can do that?” Jaller asked, helping Hahli to her feet.
“We know a way,” Gaaki said. “Come with us. We’ll take you to the others.”
“The other Toa Hagah?” Jaller guessed.
There was a strange moment of hesitation, before Pouks answered, “Yes.” Jaller quickly dismissed it, not seeing any reason to suspect the two Toa Hagah.
But just as the Toa were about to depart, another voice cried out “Wait!”
Jaller turned to see a small, white-armored figure running down the beach. His first thought was that it was a Ko-Matoran, but this figure was clearly not a Matoran, and wore a helmet instead of a mask. Jaller couldn’t recall seeing a being like him before.
“They’re leading you into a trap!” the figure said. “Don’t follow them!”
“Andar!” Gaaki said. “Jaller, ignore him. He’s a local swindler, tried to trick us earlier.”
“No!” Andar said. “You have to listen to me! They’re leading you to the Shado–ack!” He was cut off by a blast of water from Gaaki’s spear.
“Come on,” Pouks said. “You want to save Nuparu, don’t you?”
“Stop!” Andar cried, getting back up again. “Mata Nui sent me!”
That got Jaller’s attention.
“What did you say?”
Author’s notes: Nuparu, being the tinkerer that he is, modified his Aqua Blaster Blade to be able to cause shockwaves in the ground, not just in the water.
5 Likes
Oh, man! I keep getting more curious and excited with each chapter!
Chapter 6
What the heck am I doing?
That was the question that had been echoing through Metus’s head throughout this whole ordeal. He’d already seen multiple Toa fall under the control of the Shadow. For some reason, he wasn’t affected. He should’ve run away. Every instinct he had was screaming at him to run away, not to get involved in whatever madness was happening here.
But for some reason, he couldn’t. Maybe he was tired of running. Maybe since the Shadow couldn’t affect him, he felt obligated to do something. Or maybe he was just acting on instinct and had no clue what his own reasons were. Regardless, he found himself standing before the Toa, uttering words he thought he’d never be saying, in a desperate attempt to get them to listen, before they too fell victim to the Shadow.
“They’re taking you to the Shadow!” The words practically tumbled out of Metus’s mouth. “It will take control of your mind, just like it did them! I saw it!”
“Don’t listen to him,” Pouks said. “He’s a liar and a trickster.”
Pouks’s words hurt Metus somewhere in his core. He was a liar and a trickster, who’d sold out the villages of Bara Magna to the Skrall, until Mata Nui exposed him. The Toa didn’t even know that, and he’d been nothing but honest with them (well, except for not telling them his real name, but that didn’t count), and yet here they were, calling him a liar.
Yes, he was a liar. But he’d always been able to get people to believe him before, no matter what he was saying. And if ever there was a time when he needed to make someone believe him, it was now.
The red Toa seemed torn. “What do you mean, Mata Nui sent you?” he asked.
“I’ve met Mata Nui,” Metus said. “Toa Mata Nui, he called himself. He was a great man, possibly the greatest man I’ve ever met.” Metus almost couldn’t believe the praise he was giving the person whom he’d hated for so long, but it was true. Mata Nui was honorable, and honest, and brave, all things Metus wasn’t. What would Mata Nui do here?
He would tell the truth, no matter how much it hurt. “No, Mata Nui didn’t send me here,” he said. “In fact, last time we met, he turned me into a snake with that magic golden mask of his–”
“The Mask of Life!” the blue Toa exclaimed.
“Yes, I do recall him calling it that,” Metus said. “But maybe Mata Nui taught me a thing or two about telling the truth. And right now, I am telling the truth when I say that the Toa Hagah are leading you into a trap.”
The red Toa was looking back and forth between Metus and the Toa Hagah now, clearly not sure who to trust. “Are you seriously going to believe him?” Pouks said. “He just admitted he’s a liar!”
Finally, he glared at Pouks. “How exactly do you intend to free Nuparu from the trance?”
Pouks hesitated. “By… by, uh…”
“By taking him to the Shadow.”
Metus spun around to see Kongu walking down the beach, followed by the other four Toa Hagah. Metus could tell right away that they were already under the Shadow’s control.
“I think it’s time to stop with the fighting, and the lies,” Kongu said. “This isn’t what Matoro wants.”
Jaller felt like his head was spinning.
This day had already been a confusing nightmare, what with disappearing Toa and mysterious trances. And now, Kongu had just uttered a name that Jaller hadn’t heard him say since that fateful day in Mahri Nui.
“Jaller, you have to trust me,” Kongu said. “This is all for the good of the Matoran. Matoro has a plan.”
“Kongu, have you gone mad?” Jaller exclaimed. “Matoro’s dead.”
“That’s what I thought, too,” Kongu said. “But I can hear him. He’s still alive, somehow, and he’s still trying to help people. Just like he did that day.”
Jaller wasn’t sure what to say. Kongu didn’t sound like he was under a trance, like Nuparu. He seemed like he really believed what he was saying.
“I hear him too,” Norik said. “Matoro. He’s here, with us.” The other Toa Hagah nodded in agreement.
“And Matoro… asked you to do all of this?” Hewkii said. “Why?”
“I told you, for the good of the Matoran,” Kongu said. “There’s a danger to the Matoran on this world, and only we can stop it. But in order to do that, we need the help of the Shadow, and the power it can give us.”
Jaller was starting to put the pieces together. “Kongu, are you sure that’s really Matoro?”
“Of course it is,” Kongu said. “Who else would go so far to help others?”
“This isn’t like Matoro,” Jaller protested. “Trying to deceive us… Matoro hated lying. You know that, brother.”
“But he knew when it was necessary,” Kongu countered. “He thought it would be easier to lead you into the Shadow, and time is of the essence. The Matoran are in danger.”
“So you keep saying,” Jaller said. “But the only danger I see here is a Shadow that can control people.”
“It doesn’t control you, though,” Kongu said. “It just makes you listen. It lets Matoro talk to you.”
“All right, I’ve had enough of this ‘Matoro’ thing,” Jaller grumbled. “If that’s really Matoro, then prove it to me. Prove that it’s the real Matoro, and I’ll go along with whatever you say.”
Kongu, just drag him to the Shadows, the voice of Matoro said in his head, impatient.
But Kongu was hesitant. Kongu, what are you doing? It’s me! You know it’s me!
“Who did you guide out of the tunnel of darkness on the way to Voya Nui?” Kongu asked abruptly.
It was something only he and Matoro knew about. During the Toa Mahri’s trip to Voya Nui, back when they were still Matoran, they had encountered a tunnel that absorbed all light. In that tunnel, Matoro had found what he thought to be one of his friends, and led them out of the tunnel, only to find all of his friends at the exit when he found his way out of the tunnel. Matoro was disturbed by the incident, and never told anyone about it.
Kongu had learned later that this was the power of the Mask of Life, testing Matoro, to determine if he was worthy of its power. Kongu had learned this from the mind of the Mask of Life itself, but he’d never mentioned it to anyone, respecting Matoro’s secret.
The voice hesitated for a moment. Hahli, it said finally, though it sounded uncertain.
Kongu grimaced. He’d wanted so badly for it to be true. “Matoro would have known the real answer,” he muttered. “So you… are not… Matoro!”
Suddenly, he felt the voice leave his head, his body. The world around him was cloaked in shadow, so dark he couldn’t see anything.
But he could still hear, as a voice… no, several voices… spoke. "So, you’ve figured me out. Such a shame, I was just starting to have fun.
“But it seems like it’s time to do things the hard way.”
Author’s notes: the truth is finally revealed. Now all that’s left is the final battle.
5 Likes
Ooookay, I really hope it is Terridax’s voice for I like that guy. Hey, 2 last phrases actually sounded like him…
In chapter 5, was Hewki trying to stop avalance with his Garai or his elemental powers? Also, why they actually weren’t working, or we are not supposed to know yet?
Chapter 6: you are really good in describing Metus’s feelings. Awesome work.
His elemental power. He could have used his Garai (if it worked), but he expected his elemental power to work, and when it didn’t, it caught him by surprise.
As for why his power didn’t work, I have a reason for that; it’ll be revealed soon enough.
I have a theory about the elemental power. If I’m right don’t tell me but if I’m wrong don’t tell me either.
Is the same tool Kabrua used against Orde, Chiara and Zaria. So it’s Kabrua doing, other Velika minion, or Velika himself. Not sure about Velika casting a shadow.
But I don’t think is Teridax, he is so dead.
3 Likes
This is it: the final chapter.
Chapter 7
Things were starting to make sense to Jaller.
The shadow that surrounded him and the other Toa was familiar: it was the same one they’d encountered in the hallway of the Skakdi Fortress. When the Toa Mahri had gone through it, it must have grabbed onto Kongu.
Once it had Kongu, it had manipulated him into leading others into the Shadow, where it could control them too. Jaller wasn’t sure if the Shadow was one mind, or multiple, or some kind of hive.
But… wasn’t the Shadow in the Skakdi Fortress? Was Kongu leading everyone into the Fortress, sneaking past the Skakdi? Or maybe the Shadow had moved; that made more sense. Perhaps it operated similar to a Makuta’s Antidermis: without a body, it could move, but not very fast, and it was vulnerable.
“Everything you knew about Matoro,” Kongu’s voice said from somewhere nearby, “You knew from the Skakdi, didn’t you?”
“Very astute, Toa of Air,” the voice of Matoro replied. “Even the Skakdi know of the hero of the Universe, and so I knew just enough to fool you. At least for a while.”
“Why me?” Kongu said. “Why not Jaller, or one of the others? Or even all of us?”
“Without a main host, we weren’t strong enough to take you all,” the voices answered. “As for why I chose you… you seemed the most gullible. I guess I was right.”
Kongu screamed, a cry of anguish and rage. “You used me! Worse, you used Matoro to fool me! You’re going to fall, Shadow, I swear it!”
“Oh, but you can’t defeat me,” the Shadow said. “I am formless. I am untouchable. You can’t hurt me. But I can hurt you.”
At that, Jaller held a loud scream echoing into his head, driving him to his knees. Then, he started to hear voices, the voices of his teammates, the Toa Hagah, even the little white one called Andar. They were laughing, they were taunting, they were telling him to get up, to fight back, telling him to listen, then saying not to listen to the previous one, too fast to make sense of.
“Jaller, can you hear me?”
Somehow, this voice pierced through the others, the voice of Norik.
“Jaller, we can fight this thing,” Norik said. “I know how. Take my hand, join your mind with mine, and we can push this thing out.”
Jaller reached up, finding Norik’s hand. He felt another mind find his, fighting back against the voices–
Something slapped his face. “OW!”
“Snap out of it!” Andar’s voice said. “Don’t let this thing in!”
Jaller opened his eyes. He was still surrounded by shadow, but somehow, he could see Andar standing in front of him. And the hand he held was not Norik’s, but a hand of Shadow.
Jaller felt Norik’s mind – or rather, the Shadow’s mind – in his head. “Get… out,” he growled, pushing back.
The Shadow pulled back out of his head, and growled in frustration. “What is with you, Andar? Why can’t I feel you?”
“First off, my name’s Metus,” the little one answered. “And even if I knew the answer to that, I wouldn’t tell you. But as long as I’m here, you have no power. And I will not let you take another victim.”
Jaller stood. “Me neither. Shadow – BE GONE!”
He could feel the Shadow trying to assault his mind, but this time, it couldn’t reach him. He walked through the Shadow, and found Hewkii on his knees, raising his hand toward a hand of Shadow. Jaller reached out and slapped the Shadow away, then grabbed Hewkii’s hand, pulled the Toa of Stone to his feet, and slapped him across the mask.
“What was that for?!” Hewkii demanded.
“Open your eyes and close your mind!” Jaller demanded. “Keep that thing out!”
Jaller’s loud, barking voice broke through to Hewkii, and he opened his eyes, pushing the Shadow out of his head. "Woah, he said. “This thing is powerful.”
“It’s only powerful if we let it in,” Jaller said. “And I’m done. How about you?”
Hewkii grinned. “The only voice I want to hear in my head is my own,” he concurred. “And I think the others will feel the same.”
Together, the two Toa freed their teammates, and the Toa Hagah. The Shadow was roaring in frustration, but only audibly, as they pushed it out of their heads.
Finally, all the Toa were free. Even Nuparu was free, the Shadow having seemingly broken him out of the trance. The Shadow slowly faded, and then disappeared completely.
“Is it gone?” Hahli said.
Jaller thought for a moment. “I don’t think so,” he said. “I have a feeling we haven’t seen the last of it.”
“What was that thing, anyway?” Hewkii said.
“I suspect it’s one of the aberrations the gold being made,” Norik said. “Andar told us about them.”
Jaller glanced around. “Wait, where’d he go?” The other Toa glanced around, but Andar/Metus had disappeared.
Hewkii released Nuparu from the stone bindings. “Guess my power’s back,” he said. “Wonder what happened to it?”
“I suspect that was me,” Nuparu said. “I kind of remember things, this time. The gold one put me in a trance, but I think it also gave me the power to negate your abilities, to help me capture you.”
“How’d it even know you were there?” Jaller asked.
Nuparu grimaced. “Well, you know how Skakdi have vision powers…?”
Jaller smacked his hand against his mask. Of course. One of the Skakdi must’ve had some type of detection vision. He should’ve known that was a possibility.
“Can you still negate powers?” Hewkii asked.
Nuparu shook his head. “I don’t think so. I think I could only do that, or knew how to do it, so long as I was under his trance.”
“Is there no limit to this gold guy’s power?” Iruini wondered.
“And does he know we’re still here?” Hewkii added. “If he sent Nuparu to get us…”
“He knew we were there back on Zakaz,” Hahli pointed out.
“I’d suggest we leave before he finds out,” Norik said. “We need to head back to the villages, tell Kopaka about this. We can figure out our next move from there.”
“Villages?” Jaller said. “That reminds me, where exactly are we?”
Kongu started chuckling. “What’s so funny?” Jaller demanded.
“Oh, have you missed quite a lot,” Norik said. “This is gonna be quite the story for you.”
Metus watched the Toa depart, hidden among the rubble of the avalanche.
He was conflicted. He’d saved the Toa from the Shadow, but he knew he couldn’t just stick around once it was gone. Sooner or later, they’d figure out who he was, what he’d done, why Mata Nui had transformed him, and then they’d turn on him. He wasn’t sure if they would imprison him, or kill him, or just exile him, but he didn’t want to find out.
He thought about what he should do now. He figured it wasn’t a good idea to stick around the Fortress for too long. Perhaps he could follow the Toa back to their village, and then figure out where to go from there. Or he could follow the shoreline, and try to find another sign of civilization.
As for what he’d do once he found someplace to go… well, he wasn’t sure. He’d made many mistakes, and was an outcast pretty much everywhere. But somehow, he felt that helping the Toa hadn’t been a mistake. In fact, it had been the first thing he’d done right in a while.
Maybe it was time to make up for his mistakes. Maybe, one day, he’d be accepted again. He’d find a new home, wherever that might be.
The end.
Author’s notes: Metus was immune to the Shadow because an Agori, and the Shadow can only effect those from the MU. Similar to how Makuta viruses and Hordika Venom have been described to only work on those from the MU.
This concludes Metus’ story for now. I can’t say for certain whether or not we’ll ever see him again, but he’s started on the path to redemption, at least. As for the Shadow, well… like Jaller said, I doubt we’ve seen the last of it.
And yes, that field of Shadow that the Toa Mahri went through in Chapter 1 was the main villain of this story. I honestly expected someone to connect the dots on that; guess I overestimated how obvious it would be.
Up next, we’ll see what happens after a certain tower gets blown up. It’ll be a few days before I’m ready to post that; still working on editing and stuff.
6 Likes
REEEEEEs in excitement
On a side note, I wonder if Greg will just go ahead and canonize this.
1 Like
Would be awesome.
So it turned out to be something like the Maze of Shadows (or how that book about travelling from Metru Nui to Mata Nui was called), Toa go somewhere and find one more enemy to fight, like there is not enough. I totally like it. Feels super Bionicle. I will miss our little “great buisnessman”. That shadow episode in first chapter really got unnoticed by me. Just after we got rid of Annona we have another mind-tricking entity…
3 Likes
It would be cool if we got an expanded story of the maze with the cancelled bionicle 5 characters
2 Likes
So I’ve only just now read this, and I must say, I’m really impressed! This is quite an interesting story, the characters really do feel like their canon selves, and I can’t praise you enough for imitating Greg’s writing style so well (or maybe that’s just your own writing style… either way, it works very well!).
Overall, fantastic job! I’m going to read the next story right away.
1 Like