Okay.
Makooti better watch his back
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And so it begins…
Makara strode into Jerik’s Bar and Grill in the small town of Varka. As the place was quite busy, he was forced to wait for a table. The waiter, a small guy in a purple sweater and yellow helmet, seemed to be having a hard time finding a menu under his desk. It wasn’t until he had spent 13.569 minutes searching that Makara finally gave up and pulled a menu off of a nearby table. “Oh,” said the small waiter. “So that’s where they are.” Makara laughed. “How did they pick you to work here?”
The small guy didn’t respond for a few minutes. Then, as he was about to reply, anther voice broke into the conversation. A very angry voice. “Cordax! What have I told you!” Cordax dropped the menu he was holding and stuttered, “Jerik! I- I would like to explain-“ He was interrupted by Jerik slamming open the door to the kitchen. Jerik, it must be explained, was an ex-Glarorian, who had set up a chain of sports bars with his winnings in the arena. His location in Varka was his headquarters as well. When Jerik saw Makara, he strode over and pushed Cordax aside. “He’s just here until he works off his debt,” he explained. “I apologize for the delay. Also, I’ve got a job for you.” “Really?”, asked Makara.
“Just wait until Chapter Two,” replied Jerik.
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So first things first, a paragraph break now and then would be nice. I can see you’ve used one after Makara’s first line, but it’s a bit difficult to read the story when half of it is character dialogue and very short sentences.
The rather illogical and extremely precise calculation being made by the narration of 13.569 minutes is… Well, it feels a bit out of place. It’s clear you’re trying to be a bit whimsical with the presentation of this story, but it’s precise to a degree which is extremely atypical to time to - and when it is, the usual method of specifying the seconds is employed. Exempli gratia, 13:56.9, 3.1 seconds under 4:00.0.
Overall, though, this is an interesting approach. I’m wondering how much it will look to the other Boards’ members’ collaborative stories for inspiration, or if it will work completely separate from any other inspiration.
EDIT: Oh yeah, and you might want to put the story itself in a new topic.
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Ok. I’ll make sure to follow your advice. I was typing the story on a phone, which is why the formatting is bad. And yes, I was meaning to sound crazy with the overly precise time measurement.
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