tales from the island of artakha( fan lore story)

[sorabuilds]

[notice some information within the story will not follow certain points of bionicle canon which will also include charcaters and headcanons ]

This story will be spilt between multiple characters who shall describe their story within each chapter certain characters may return to explain more is well

Prologue
On the eastern shores of the northern continent something unusual had surprised local matoran and toa as a ship with the words “heavens gift” crashed onto the beachfront. wounded matoran bearing armor and tools unatural to the local matoran soon began to be carried put by those able to help .A toa of water and a ga matoran soon arrived at the seen and saw that most of the matoran where badly hurt with heartlights fading.
“You two stop standing around and help with the injured” a vo matoran yelled clearly exhausted and weakened from fighting vicious waves out at sea.

“who are you? what happened to everyone here?” asked the ga matoran wielding what seems to be a replica of a chroniclers staff as the vo matoran walked off their ship with a grief stricken ga matoran behind them carrying the lifeless body of a ko matoran wearing a white scarf placing him down among other fallen matoran. “we’re matoran from the island of Artakha our home was raided by the brotherhood of makuta and… some vile monster” the vo matoran replied as the hum of airships soon was heard bearing the symbol of the order of mata nui.

the local toa team and matoran helped out as much as they could as the legendary hero toa Helryx soon appeared out of a main airship having a look of regret on her as she soon approached the vo matoran captain.
“Kaija of artakha?” Helryx asked looking at the vo matoran as they bore the kanohi tryna. “yes toa Helyrx I am” they replied as they stood weakly using their blade as a crutch.“my crew are hurt badly and we lost many heroic and brave matoran to makuta kojol” Kaija replied looking over to the row of matoran with no shine in their heartlight to be seen. Helryx looked at the row of bodies and grief stricken matoran.“Who was most involved in the raid?” the toa of water replied overhearing what was being said and wanting to help out as much as she can as Helryx and Kaija looked at her before Kaija responded “if you want to hear what happened your best bet is Seiumi, she saw almost everything trying to preform her duty and was closest to the forge where the avokii was being made”. Soon after things settled down Helryx along with the ga matoran chronicler and toa of water brought Sieumi into a tent her left prosthetic arm being repaired by another blue and red ga matoran on a desk surprising only half of the people in the tent. “what do you want?” Seiumi asked in a hardened tone as she looked to see the toa of water wearing a kanohi rode.“we wish to hear what happened on artakha Seiumi” Helryx replied as seiumi gave a saddened look before sighing"fine ill explain my side" Seiumi answered as her left arm was put back on and the red and blue ga matoran left the tent.

[this is mainly the prologue of this story more chapters will come soon as replies to this topic do feel free to give any thoughts or opinions is well i will make sure to read them all ]

[Rukah]

Sounds interesting. The grammar could be improved tho

[Styrofoam]

I have a few thoughts on this; seeing as you are interested in feedback, I’ll state them in two major points:

-As Rukah mentioned, the grammar makes this prologue, in places, more difficult to read than it could be. Improperly-formatted dialogue and a lack of commas are the most glaring examples; I edited the first paragraph to make my suggestion more concrete—see what you think of this:

On the eastern shores of the northern continent, something unusual had surprised local matoran and toa, as a gift from the heavens crashed onto the beachfront—wounded matoran, bearing unusual armor and tools, stumbled forth from a ragged ship. They trudged toward the seaside village in varying forms of disfigurement and confusion, but each was badly worn, and in their eyes was a look of suffering and terror.
A toa of water and a ga-matoran soon arrived.
“You two—stop standing around, and help with the injured!” called a vo matoran weakly, her heartlight quickly fading.
“Who are you? What happened to everyone here?” asked the ga matoran as she rushed forward, wielding a chroniclers staff.

-This edit here is my own personal preference—it isn’t fantastic, of course, and you can use or ignore it as you see fit—but spacing out the dialogue lines, and adding commas to the larger sentences, makes it more structurally standard and easy to read.
The second point I wanted to make is this: with a prologue, you ideally want to have a hook which will pose questions to the reader, and draw them into the story. Yours, to me, was this: “our home was raided by the brotherhood and… a vile monster”. The introduction of this unknown element into a scene which we otherwise know much about (the raid on artakha) makes this most interesting to me—is the vile monster something we’ve seen before, like the Zivon, or is it something new?
As it stands, the conclusion to this prologue, with Seiumi’s interrogation, doesn’t add any new information, or serve a narrative function—I don’t have any sort of roadmap for where this story is going to take me. Perhaps Helryx could ask Seiumi—“the Vo Matoran mentioned a monster… what did she mean?” and Seimui could reply: “It was massive… even Artakha couldn’t stop it. You should put out a call for more toa, by the way… I think this village is going to meet it soon.”
Obviously, this probably isnt the direction you planned to take your story—that’s fine—its just an example of how tension can be built using this hook, and mystery can be maintained, while also providing clues about the narrative trajectory. The monster, in this example, is following the matoran, and they have to prepare for and survive its arrival.
That being said, I liked it a lot! I wouldn’t give long feedback to something I didn’t read through and think about, so hopefully it’s helpful and not discouraging!

[Rhyla416]

very cool!