The Bara Magna Chronicles

Here I'll be posting chapters to my Biofic (Bionicle Fanfiction) The Bara Magna Chronicles, hope you enjoy.

Chapter 1:
The wind howled, as a lone Glatorian trudged across the arid plains, her back was bent, sweat dripped from her brow, she looked up and saw how far she had yet to go. She dropped down to the ground, pulled out her canteen and took a swig, there wasn’t much left. She wished with all her heart that she had come on a Sand Stalker, but, it was too late now. her head began to swim with heat exhaustion, she passed out.
“Kiiran.” a voice said, Kiiran opened her eyes, she was in a hut, and stander over her was a very worried looking Agori
“Kiiran?” he said again
“Yes?” she answered very feebly
“You’re alive! I almost thought we lost you. anyways, Krannark wants to talk to you.”
Kiiran now recognised the Agori as Noj, the leader of the Soundanus, the village of the Agori of Sonics. Kiiran was second Glatorian for this village, and Krannark was first. feeling better, she stood up, and walked out to Krannark’s hut, and stepped in and said:
“You called?”
“Yes Kiiran, come in.” Krannark replied “I suppose you want to know why I called you so soon after your arrival”
“You suppose right.”
“It’s simple really, our boys found an oasis a mile or so from here, but the Skrall claim that they had found it before, so, were challenged for a fight. Their sending a rookie Skrall over, and I want you to fight him.”
“Me? why not you? you’re the one who’s always doing it.”
“exactly, you're getting no hand on experience. Just do the fight, if you lose, it's no disgrace to our village.”
“that’s because it’s a Skrall, no one can beat a Skrall, Krannark.”
“You might be the first then, just give it a go, and use that new move you’ve been working on.”
“Okay, I’ll do it.”

That night, the fight was gathered at the arena in Soundanus, the Skrall stood cockyly on one side, Tuma, Strongius and a gathering of rock Agori and Skrall sat in the stands. On the other side stood Kiiran, she fiddled with her thornax launcher nervously, and Krannark shouted words of encouragement to her, with him was the leader of Soundanus, and a gathering of Sonics Agori. Kiiran, straightened up, drew out her sword, loaded her launcher, and prepared for the worst. The word was given for the match to start, the Skrall rushed forward, and Kiiran ran out to meet him, the first blow had stuck by the Skrall, and Kiiran was sent flying back into the wall. The Skrall rushed at her, in a desperate moment she fired her launcher at the Skrall’s feet, sending him onto the ground. Using the moment, Kiiran jumped up and knocked the sword and the shield from the Skrall’s grasp. The crowd went wild, but the Skrall rose and said with a menacing tone:
“Just because I am unarmed, doesn’t mean I’ve lost!” he lunged at Kiiran, knocking her sword and launcher from her grasp, her thornax fruit rolled away, the Skrall dealt punch after punch, but Kiiran’s foot went up, throwing the Skrall away. Both were on their feet now, circling each other, glaring, the Skrall lunged, and Kiiran, jumped to the side, the Skrall fell face downward, and Kiiran tripped on a thornax, giving her an idea. The Skrall lounged again, but Kiiran grabbed a thornax and slammed one of the spikes into his face, it went through his helmet and into his flesh, blood streamed from the wound. Kiiran kicked with all her might at the fruit, gouging it deeper, the Skrall fell, defeated, the village of Sonics had won the oasis. As the people of Soundanus cheered and crowded around Kiiran, Tuma walked to the Skrall
“Failure,” he said, cutting the Skrall’s head off with one sweep “is not an option.”

1 Like

Pretty good. One thing I would suggest is to split up that action scene into paragraphs a little more.

Thanks for the feedback, I wrote this chapter months, and I mean MONTHS ago, my writing gets better through the chapters : P

no problem. I know how hard it is to not get feedback on something

Chapter 2:
An Agori ran across the desert, he didn’t want to be late, today was the day that their first Glatorian, Elemantus would fight the first Glatorian of Vulcanus, Ackar. This Agori’s name was Haj, he was an Agori of Zapatus, the village of Electricity. Haj made it just in time, the two Glatorian were fighting over a large reserve of scrap metal, it was in fairly good condition, and would be very useful. The fight started, Ackar fired a thornax at Elemantus, who caught it out of the air with his own launcher, did a quadruple frontflip and fired the thornax right into Ackar’s face. Ackar responded with a leaping slash with his sword, knocking Elemantus to the ground. It looked like the end of the fight when Elemantus fired a thornax at Ackar’s face again, the impact sending him flying off of him. Elemantus raised his sword in victory, but Ackar wasn’t finished, he kicked the feet out from under Elemantus, and quickly disarmed the Glatorian
“Concede , and it shall go no further.” he said
“Not until my blood stains this arina.” said Elemantus firmly
“Come now.” said Ackar “You know that can be arranged, but I don’t like killing in cold blood, concede and we can make a deal later.”
“I’d rather not.” said the Glatorian of Electricity “Not today.”
Elemantis leapt to his feet, and charged Ackar, shoulder first, the impact sent the Glatorian of Fire sprawling, but he was a veteran of many battles, and getting to his feet, grabbed Elemantus and threw him against the arena wall
“My offer still stands.” said Ackar “don’t make me kill you.”
“Fine.” said Elemantus reluctantly “I concede.”
Ackar departed, with the fire Agori whooping and cheering after him, and all the electricity Agori gathered around Elemantus, the village was poor and couldn’t afford another Glatorian, having that metal would have given them enough spare money to hire a second Glatorian, the Agori were not happy, but Ackar was one of the best, and few could overpower him, a few angry words were shouted, as the crowd dispersed.
Haj wandered away, his heart was heavy, he had no money, he had spent it all on food, and now he had no more food. As he wandered, the sun began to set, his heart brightened for a moment, he always loved watching the sunset, the beautiful array of colors in contrast the the ugly dullness of his world. As he wandered, he lost track of time, lost in his own thoughts, but suddenly, he realised how dark it was, he was lost! Being lost in the middle of nowhere at night was one of thee most dangerous things you can do on Bara Magna, besides angering a Skrall. Far off, a Vorox howled, and soon more than 10 others joined him. Haj trembled, the Vorox were getting closer, and he had no doubt that they were hunting him.
He knew dumbest thing to do was run, and yet, he couldn’t help himself, he legs just moved, by themselves it seemed, and he ran. The Vorox detected his movement and charged. Haj was fast for an Agori, but Vorox are some of the speediest creatures out there. Soon Haj found himself surrounded by the creatures, seen only by the luminescent eyes. He knew that showing fear would only aggravate them, and trying to scare them would be worse, they would take it as an attack and strike back, with speedy and devastating force. So Haj kept his cool, as much as possible for one who’s trapped by Vorox at night, and walked away from them, they watched for a while, and then charged again, Haj in a last move of desperation drew out a dagger and thrust it into a Vorox’s heart, the others backed away, so Haj made a break for it. The Vorox charged again, so Haj skewered another one and kept on running, the Vorox charged again, and this time they caught their prey. One of them had it’s mouth open, ready to take a bite when a cry rang from the rocks, the Vorox backed away, and a tall figure came into view. Haj looked up at him, a clawed hand helped him to his feet, then the figure was gone, and so were the Vorox. Haj ran home as fast as he could, his legs trembling.