You asked for it.
As promised, the writing critique shall commence. I guess since I’m three chapters late I’ll just do all three in one.
Fair warning: I don’t know who Back is and I don’t hold her.
Review and Critique: Chapters 1-3
This is… an interesting start. I have to admit I was a little confused at first wondering what authors you were referring to and thought the stars were the stories you referred to, and only now realize (literally as I’m reading this for this post) that it’s meta and refers to this story itself.
expect?
do you mean except?
okay fine I’ll avoid being a grammer pendant.
so this intro is… confusing. I say that not as a bad thing, because it seems it was intended to be, so let’s break it down. The “author” is writing about himself for a moment, being meta about the story as I pointed out. But then, the author is… not Tott? Because the next line says “I promise to you I am not so crude.” Implying that Todd is contrasting himself to the author. So Tott is the narrator, but not the author, and was narrating about the author, hence why the author is referred to in third person and Todd starts in first person.
Have I confused you? Good.
Also TotT is the acronym for Tale of the Toa. Is this relevant? Probably not.
Wait the main character is not a you but an i? You’ve broken the patter of the trilogy nooooooo…
Ah, I see we’re going with the “snarky narrator” trope. This can easily be mishandled, be careful. Refusing to give the protagonist’s name isn’t the worst way to start. Too much of this can just seem like you’re antagonizing the reader, but let’s see how this goes.
Ironic choice of words.
Okay, I’m beginning to see what type of story we’re going for here. This is not the type of thing the writer is typically supposed to say – you’re supposed to write things that are suspenseful, not tell your audience that they’re supposed to be in suspense. But this works because the main goal here is not just to set up this mystery. If that were the case, you’d just stop after “Ghid would have it no other way”. That sets up the suspense sufficiently. No, the true purpose here is to characterize the narrator, Tott; he/she is saying that they expect the reader to be in suspense. Actually, if the “or something” is anything to go by, they’re indifferent on the matter.
Tott is just here to tell the story. The author is here to make it worth reading.
Word is… passed?
You don’t generally hear about rumors like this being “passed”. This implies that the spreading of this information is planned and intentional, i.e. “I told Abraham Lincoln about the surprise party, and told him to pass the word along to as many people as possible.”
What?
We know why you’re not saying anything about your appearance. You’ve already stated you don’t want to tell us these things, from when you first gave your name. You said “For now I will satisfy enough of your demands to keep you on your toes”. Why are you now acting like this is information we would be expecting?
Dare I ask how someone could “kneel” on a doorknob? Let alone how you would get up onto it to reach something that you couldn’t reach before? Never mind Tott, how big is the doorknob? How do you get onto it, jumping?
Again, telling us that Todd doesn’t want to tell us this story. I like this. However, this transition is odd, to say the least. Before this, we were talking about a door of an unknown place: why you are exiting it, and whose it is. The next statement, however, seemingly has nothing to do with this, and tells us only of Tott’s end goal.
So, since my goal is to be constructive, how would I go about this?
So now we see that this isn’t meant to be a response to the previous questions, but rather is all the narrator cares to share-rator. Please shoot me for making that pun.
I again question how this works. Also how they opened the door – was it already open and just needed to be un-chain-latched?
Ah, I see you went with the old “it’s not the fall that hurts, it’s the sudden stop at the end” and the classic “say something simple in a verbose manner so it seems creative even though you’ve just said a trite phrase millions of people say”. Good old Velika.
Wait.
Hold the show.
I need to theorize this
is Tott a cat?
That would explain the shortness, the being able to kneel on a doorknob, how he/she got up there (cats jump good). It all makes sense. I’ll be coming back to this more later, too.
Now this is how you build suspense with such a narrator. The idea that the narrator is keeping stuff from you that you have to figure out. This is a story that will make you work.
No.
nonono.
There are times for “later, I learned _” but describing the appearance of a character the narrator can’t see isn’t one of those times. Especially with a narrator such as this, it just feels clunky and forced. This description does not belong here.
How does one stereotypically lift a disobedient cat? I’m telling you…
Um… okay? Why is this statement here in the middle of stuff seemingly unrelated? Are the fingerless gloves supposed to be related to him lifting you presumably by his hand?
It always kinda bothers me when authors do this, as it shifts the feeling from one of a story being told after the fact to one told in the moment, and it suggests the narrator doesn’t yet know what will happen. Given the way that this story has started, it does have the feeling of one told in the moment, so I can let that slide. However, it does fly in the face of such statements as:
This is a bit confusing to try to read. I applaud the nonstandard sentence structure, but a comma here after ‘he’ would make it easier to follow.
I know I said I didn’t want to be a GP but this really needs a comma, both for grammar and because it sounds more natural for a person to say, pausing after ‘me’.
Had to quote this because there was a long gap at the end of this line and I wanted to see if there was a line break here or if “overcompensating” is just that long of a word. It’s just that long, you’re good.
…I’m sorry, what? What the flying Kolhii balls is this supposed to mean?
First of all: I like this. The slip to reveal more of the narrator, and his natural reaction. Though that might be a bit heavy on the Ughs though, which isn’t a word you usually see two times in a row, let alone seven. Three would be pushing it, but not as unnatural.
Second: cat gloves. mic drop.
picks mic back up to continue review
This, I like less. You have to be careful at telling your audience how to feel. You did this already with the “it’s called suspense” but that worked because that wasn’t what the scene was about. This scene isn’t all that dramatic, and it seems that wasn’t the idea, but to call it a “comedic attempt at a dramatic moment” feels a little pretentious.
No, I say: why is this here? It isn’t immediately answered, or refused to be answered, it just cuts off and goes back to Tott’s response. If you want to have this here, why not have something like “well pay attention and you might find out,” since we DO get a likely answer as to why the word lovely is used in Tott’s next dialogue.
How the heck do you catch a dropped match? Unless… cat-like reflexes. It makes more sense the further I go. I hope this is wrong because me harping on this theory so much only for it to be wrong is the kind of irony i love.
I think I get where you were going with this, but it’s very oddly put, especially when Tott did notice him earlier. Of course, “noticing” and “making out” are two different things.
I meant making out as in noticing specific details not kissing you weirdo.
Now this is how you set up suspense, especially with a narrator like th-- wait, I already said that.
Wait, that raises a question: how does one smoke a cigarette with an akaku? Does it have a mouth hole?
Should I be questioning this? Probably not. Am I going to anyway? Yes.
All right, that’s all I’ve got for you for now. I’ll cat-ch back up with you in the next chapter, I suppose.
I eat it