I refuse to vote
6 Likes
I wouldn’t put this past him
2 Likes
yeah, I know, but it’s fun to see the theories that people are crafting this early on.
3 Likes
That is true
2 Likes
I eat it
10 Likes
You asked for it.
As promised, the writing critique shall commence. I guess since I’m three chapters late I’ll just do all three in one.
Fair warning: I don’t know who Back is and I don’t hold her.
Review and Critique: Chapters 1-3
This is… an interesting start. I have to admit I was a little confused at first wondering what authors you were referring to and thought the stars were the stories you referred to, and only now realize (literally as I’m reading this for this post) that it’s meta and refers to this story itself.
expect?
do you mean except?
okay fine I’ll avoid being a grammer pendant.
so this intro is… confusing. I say that not as a bad thing, because it seems it was intended to be, so let’s break it down. The “author” is writing about himself for a moment, being meta about the story as I pointed out. But then, the author is… not Tott? Because the next line says “I promise to you I am not so crude.” Implying that Todd is contrasting himself to the author. So Tott is the narrator, but not the author, and was narrating about the author, hence why the author is referred to in third person and Todd starts in first person.
Have I confused you? Good.
Also TotT is the acronym for Tale of the Toa. Is this relevant? Probably not.
Wait the main character is not a you but an i? You’ve broken the patter of the trilogy nooooooo…
Ah, I see we’re going with the “snarky narrator” trope. This can easily be mishandled, be careful. Refusing to give the protagonist’s name isn’t the worst way to start. Too much of this can just seem like you’re antagonizing the reader, but let’s see how this goes.
Ironic choice of words.
Okay, I’m beginning to see what type of story we’re going for here. This is not the type of thing the writer is typically supposed to say – you’re supposed to write things that are suspenseful, not tell your audience that they’re supposed to be in suspense. But this works because the main goal here is not just to set up this mystery. If that were the case, you’d just stop after “Ghid would have it no other way”. That sets up the suspense sufficiently. No, the true purpose here is to characterize the narrator, Tott; he/she is saying that they expect the reader to be in suspense. Actually, if the “or something” is anything to go by, they’re indifferent on the matter.
Tott is just here to tell the story. The author is here to make it worth reading.
Word is… passed?
You don’t generally hear about rumors like this being “passed”. This implies that the spreading of this information is planned and intentional, i.e. “I told Abraham Lincoln about the surprise party, and told him to pass the word along to as many people as possible.”
What?
We know why you’re not saying anything about your appearance. You’ve already stated you don’t want to tell us these things, from when you first gave your name. You said “For now I will satisfy enough of your demands to keep you on your toes”. Why are you now acting like this is information we would be expecting?
Dare I ask how someone could “kneel” on a doorknob? Let alone how you would get up onto it to reach something that you couldn’t reach before? Never mind Tott, how big is the doorknob? How do you get onto it, jumping?
Again, telling us that Todd doesn’t want to tell us this story. I like this. However, this transition is odd, to say the least. Before this, we were talking about a door of an unknown place: why you are exiting it, and whose it is. The next statement, however, seemingly has nothing to do with this, and tells us only of Tott’s end goal.
So, since my goal is to be constructive, how would I go about this?
So now we see that this isn’t meant to be a response to the previous questions, but rather is all the narrator cares to share-rator. Please shoot me for making that pun.
I again question how this works. Also how they opened the door – was it already open and just needed to be un-chain-latched?
Ah, I see you went with the old “it’s not the fall that hurts, it’s the sudden stop at the end” and the classic “say something simple in a verbose manner so it seems creative even though you’ve just said a trite phrase millions of people say”. Good old Velika.
Wait.
Hold the show.
I need to theorize this
is Tott a cat?
That would explain the shortness, the being able to kneel on a doorknob, how he/she got up there (cats jump good). It all makes sense. I’ll be coming back to this more later, too.
Now this is how you build suspense with such a narrator. The idea that the narrator is keeping stuff from you that you have to figure out. This is a story that will make you work.
No.
nonono.
There are times for “later, I learned _” but describing the appearance of a character the narrator can’t see isn’t one of those times. Especially with a narrator such as this, it just feels clunky and forced. This description does not belong here.
How does one stereotypically lift a disobedient cat? I’m telling you…
Um… okay? Why is this statement here in the middle of stuff seemingly unrelated? Are the fingerless gloves supposed to be related to him lifting you presumably by his hand?
It always kinda bothers me when authors do this, as it shifts the feeling from one of a story being told after the fact to one told in the moment, and it suggests the narrator doesn’t yet know what will happen. Given the way that this story has started, it does have the feeling of one told in the moment, so I can let that slide. However, it does fly in the face of such statements as:
This is a bit confusing to try to read. I applaud the nonstandard sentence structure, but a comma here after ‘he’ would make it easier to follow.
I know I said I didn’t want to be a GP but this really needs a comma, both for grammar and because it sounds more natural for a person to say, pausing after ‘me’.
Had to quote this because there was a long gap at the end of this line and I wanted to see if there was a line break here or if “overcompensating” is just that long of a word. It’s just that long, you’re good.
…I’m sorry, what? What the flying Kolhii balls is this supposed to mean?
First of all: I like this. The slip to reveal more of the narrator, and his natural reaction. Though that might be a bit heavy on the Ughs though, which isn’t a word you usually see two times in a row, let alone seven. Three would be pushing it, but not as unnatural.
Second: cat gloves. mic drop.
picks mic back up to continue review
This, I like less. You have to be careful at telling your audience how to feel. You did this already with the “it’s called suspense” but that worked because that wasn’t what the scene was about. This scene isn’t all that dramatic, and it seems that wasn’t the idea, but to call it a “comedic attempt at a dramatic moment” feels a little pretentious.
No, I say: why is this here? It isn’t immediately answered, or refused to be answered, it just cuts off and goes back to Tott’s response. If you want to have this here, why not have something like “well pay attention and you might find out,” since we DO get a likely answer as to why the word lovely is used in Tott’s next dialogue.
How the heck do you catch a dropped match? Unless… cat-like reflexes. It makes more sense the further I go. I hope this is wrong because me harping on this theory so much only for it to be wrong is the kind of irony i love.
I think I get where you were going with this, but it’s very oddly put, especially when Tott did notice him earlier. Of course, “noticing” and “making out” are two different things.
I meant making out as in noticing specific details not kissing you weirdo.
Now this is how you set up suspense, especially with a narrator like th-- wait, I already said that.
Wait, that raises a question: how does one smoke a cigarette with an akaku? Does it have a mouth hole?
Should I be questioning this? Probably not. Am I going to anyway? Yes.
All right, that’s all I’ve got for you for now. I’ll cat-ch back up with you in the next chapter, I suppose.
I eat it
6 Likes
I swear if BoD becomes a talking pet book I’m going to delete my account
All jokes aside, the cat theory is just the kind of thing I wanted to hear from people when I made the survey. It’s a very interesting theory, though a lot of the points could be easily debunked. (ex. The cat door thing being a joke because Tott is exceedingly short)
2 Likes
Shsshshshsshshssshshshshhshhshshshhshshhshsshhh you didn’t see that
it never happened moving on
That first line is a quote, and the next references the circumstances surrounding it. In fact, the diatribe launched into is partially a meta stab at the mediocre quality of the source material.
Sorry but no. Try harder 
“For believe me: the secret for harvesting from existence the greatest fruitfulness and greatest enjoyment is—to live dangerously.”
― Friedrich Neitzsche
Trash?
no wait this is a compliment I think
well we’ll find out if that happens
Hm Hmmm HMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
I wonder why I chose that word. Must be my poor vocabulary; best not to read into it.
Because now Tott is detailing a lot more info far less important to the topic at hand than what he looks like/who he is. Who cares what kind of Ghid goes bump in the night when there’s a funny little man breaking someone’s door?
Not defending my roundabout way of delivering info while still being meta, as it’s inexcusable. But I can’t stop and I won’t stop
Sherlock Holmes in The Adventure of the Abbey Grange knelt on a peg in the wall to reach a cord hanging from the ceiling in order to inspect it. This would be similar; Tott is resting one knee on the knob in order to reach the chain lock, i.e., kneeling.
What can I say, I’m a generous author
oh no
Can I go back in time and stab the me who came up with what ended up turning into a furry theory
no it’s getting worse no
How dare you assume that I, who has clearly made significant errors in the story thus far, would use a word that doesn’t exist
Now you watch your language mister
As an excuse, it’s the ‘venom in the tongue’ bizarre implication of spoken emotion residing in some oral location. Whether or not I like it, or my stretching the concept, it’s a growing condition and I expect it will become terminal in future chapters.
Yeah okay I have no excuse for this one. To be completely honest I don’t know why either.
AAAAAAAAA MAKE IT STOP I NEVER LOOKED AT FURAFFINITY.NET PLEASE SPARE ME THIS PAIN
Actually maybe you’re the one looking at furaffinity
I’ll actually answer this since there’ll be more instances later.
I have assumed, for the construction of the Akaku of Tott’s, that the three holes at the ‘mouth’ of the mask are completely hollow, with no back part, allowing the wearer to consume foods (and also smoke) through them.
Any normal Akaku that appears in this story will most likely follow the same rules.
aaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH
Thank you for the critique, man, I really appreciate it and do not reread them as I will definitely not be silently editing them to fix the stupid mistakes nope nuh uh and I’m looking forward to your take on the next chapter.
6 Likes
Nah, I knew overcompensating is a word. It’s just that since it wound up on the next line due to its sheer length, it looked like you had
hit the enter key midsentence, like this.
Fun fact, this wasn’t me dodging around a real swear – that is something I actually, unironically say in real life.
Actually all of them can be. This is the type of theory where there’s no actual evidence, just a bunch of things that could be the case. Yet, were this a big IP with a large fanbase, fans would latch onto it anyway.
3 Likes
Who do you think I am, Heyzorks?
based
uh I mean you’re such a pottymouth
4 Likes
Hey get your own joke that’s mine. >:(
3 Likes
–
Chapter 4
–
“You mean this?”
There had been a silence during which the silver figure had stood, dramatically emphasizing the certain importance of this weird-looking pitiable pitted thing, as it did absolutely nothing except sit completely still and somehow give off an air of irritation. Or maybe that was just me projecting.
“…This. Yes.” The silver figure responded, casting a very quick glance at the trash bag figure, who grumpily shifted his stance in response. “This here is an eyewitness to the events that-”
And I was promptly dropped directly on my face by the Diero character. It wasn’t entirely unjustified; I had broken into a series of snorting giggles at the usage of the word eyewitness as that was the one thing he didn’t have in any way, shape, or form. Regardless, there I was, tasting the dirt, the cigarette completely destroyed by the impact and the ashes smeared across the mask.
Before I could properly right myself I was hoisted back into the air by the aforementioned fashion freakshow, and to my slight surprise I noticed the chrome gadabout glaring daggers into the former. Evidently this little display was too great an overreach, but to preserve my naivety there was clearly no verbal reprimand intended.
“Let’s get something clear, Cordax.” The silver figure seated himself on the front-most seat of the bizarre vehicle in a slightly casual way, leaning on his knees as if he were a father about to provide a cutting preamble for a speech intended to both reprimand and instruct, but in his case just made him look tired. “We don’t want to involve anyone else in this. And we don’t want you getting hurt. We only want this monster brought to justice for what he’s done, and unfortunately, you’re the only one we could find who knows anything on the topic.”
“But I’m not a Cor-”
My attempt to interject a defense was cut off by Diero smashing me on the ground again. Oh, my poor, poor mask wasn’t likely to survive whatever idiotic escapade was about to begin as a result of my deciding to open a door.
“If you aren’t a little more willing to cooperate, however,” The silver figure leaned in as I lay crushed on the ground, my head finally struggling enough to barely glare up out of the top of my sockets at this paternal pansy. “Then I want you to be aware we aren’t afraid to take some risks in order to find him.” His glowering was intended to be menacing, but it mostly felt like an invasion of personal space coupled with the scent of whatever he had eaten last to form a sickening, crawling feeling akin to stepping in a small puddle with socks on.
Yeeugh.
“Can I get a word in edgewise?” I finally spat out, having forced the crumpled cigarette out of my mask. “I don’t know who you are or what a Cordax is, or why you like horseradish so much, but I promise you I have nothing worth your while to tell you. You have a question? Go right ahead and ask it, but I don’t have any idea what a Cordax is. Ow.” I tried to look up at Diero, but couldn’t manage it. “And tell your stupid leather fanatic to stop crushing my neck.”
I was, of course, lying. I have no idea what horseradish smells like. But at the mention of it, the silver figure retracted slightly and continued to glare down with a somewhat irritated air. Diero snarled at my comment about his attire, but a slight lift of the former’s head prompted him to stand me back up on my feet.
“Very well.” He mumbled as I smeared my sleeve across my mask to remove the ashes of the late cigarette. “You can start being helpful by telling us your name, if it isn’t Cordax.”
“My name is Tott.” I replied, glaring at my sleeve which now had ashes and dirt streaked across it. “I don’t suppose that satisfies you?”
“Do you know who Monopoly is?” The chrome character questioned, swinging one leg across his knee. “Or what he’s done outside of what we’ve told you?”
“What YOU’VE told him, stupid.”
“Excuse me?” The figure turned to face the trash bag man, who had commented rather loudly under his breath about how much the former had let loose when complaining to me. “I would appreciate it if you didn’t undercut me during the interrogation.”
“And I would appreciate,” The figure said, seemingly forcing his legs to approach as he spoke- which reminds me, I forgot to mention before that I found and still find it very odd that this bizarre character would take so many short steps instead of walking full stride. Really unbecoming for a total edgelord.
I’m sorry, did I distract you from the flow of the conversation? Let’s see. He had just said “And I would appreciate,” and then he said “if you didn’t tell someone who may very well not be Cordax about our entire operation. Do you want Ghid to descend upon us and wipe us off the map? Do you want this whoever-he-is to snitch the moment he’s out of our sight?”
The silver figure held up his palm in protest, turning away from the accusations of his aggressive accomplice, who spun on his heel and muttered some unintelligible insults through his teeth. During the remonstrance I glanced up at Diero, who glanced slightly down at me, and I’m not sure if he felt the same disappointed feeling that I was experiencing being reminded that I actually got kidnapped by these morons.
“Well?” I was broken out of my regret by the seated stranger resuming his torturous questioning. “Do you know who Monopoly is?”
And here I felt the first instance of indecision that night. Should I reveal that key detail which motivated me to leave the comfortable indoors I was in only minutes ago, to go on what may very well be an arduous journey, to locate the entity which most assuredly had a good head start on evading me? Whatever my decision I had to answer, as my hesitance was plainly illustrated and had already left an impact on my less than gracious host.
With a quiet chuckle I pulled out another cigarette, sticking it in the Akaku’s lower right hole while I rummaged for a lighter I knew I didn’t have. There was another nod from the metallic insquisitor, and I felt the uncomfortable pressure of the overly wide brim pressed against my head while a guttering match appeared beneath my chin. I angled my head to light the cigarette in its glow, while the cattleman that offered it rose slowly back to full height, dropping it in the dry soil and slowly crushing it with his heel.
“Yes.” I finally responded. The trash bag figure turned to face me as I spoke. “I had a run-in with him a couple months ago, him and another rough-looking character who was a lot greener than him. I asked them to do a favor and as down payment I gave him a coat. Very nice coat, too. Much too big for me, but perfect size for him.”
There was an uncomfortable pause, during which the trash bag figure slowly approached and eyed me with an air of suspicion. The silver one suddenly flicked his head to the side, and Diero hoisted me into the air and onto the strange contraption’s middle seat.
“We had better get names out of the way before we depart.” The silver figure said, turning towards me. It was then that I noticed all of the seats were designed to swivel about however they desired. “The cowboy fellow who brought you over here is Diero.”
At the mention of his name Diero drew his heels together and stood completely erect, easily the tallest person in the group, glancing down at me with a nonchalant air. And it was then that I first noticed a suspicion which I hadn’t noticed before, and which certainly wasn’t present when we first met - a vague, uncertain fear lurking in the back of Diero’s pinpoint eyes. Was it for me, with my not having done anything remotely dangerous, or perhaps for this armored imbecile who appeared to orchestrate this whole event?
“We’ve met.” I replied sardonically.
“That one is Jethryn.” The silver figure pointed past myself at the pile of trash bags with a person hiding underneath. “He’s going to investigate the building you came from to make sure your story holds water.”
Before I could object, the strange vehicle we were seated on suddenly purred, hovering slightly off the ground. Diero seated himself in the back, turning my seat to face him. I imagine it must have been to keep me from seeing where we would be headed.
“As for myself, you’ll have to keep waiting.” The figure said as he held the handlebars, turning the vehicle in a tight circle before shooting out of the trees and off across a massive, barren field. I couldn’t be too concerned about how the laws of physics allowed this while I was too busy holding the seat to make sure I didn’t go flying off, because this most definitely did not come with seatbelts.
Seeing this, Diero tossed the large, metallic rectangle into my lap, nearly crushing my legs in the process. It would certainly work as a seatbelt for the time being given that it weighed five quadrillion megatons, or something close enough to that, as it was extremely uncomfortable to have something so heavy pinning me in place. I locked eyes with Diero, and then - with his pinpoint eyes blazing right into my very being - I saw the lurking terror hiding in the back of his sockets. It was not this silver figure, then, that he was so dreadfully afraid of; it was me. Something I had done, perhaps? Something I had said? Why on earth was he so mortified of me, a person so short he could punt across the street like a dead cat?
I could use this to my advantage in the future. No, I would use this to my advantage in the future. It was an absolute certainty that this stranger, this millinery-mounted modiste, would be very important both to me and to the future of what was slated to occur. Which is why I expressed such shock when a bullet smashed into the back of his head and dropped him like a rock onto the space between us… But mostly on my face.
Why does the world do such things to my face?
–
7 Likes
BEEG BEEG YOSHI chapter. Goodness, I’m setting myself up for a horrible fall, aren’t I?
Lots of content here to feed every conspiracy theory on the planet (outside of the cat one I hope[like the analogy I hope the cat theory is dead and punted{I’m actually having fun hearing about it it’s fine}]) especially with some tie-in info doing a little bit of explaining to the DEEPER LORE about uh
stuff
I’m not going to paraphrase it go read it again 
Use it more often then, nerd 
So you’re a mobile user
I think you mean when
3 Likes
GRrRRr
um
eenteresting chapter
1 Like
If I keep using it more often it loses its potency. You cannot rush art!
5 Likes
And yet this book has four chapters in one week 
2 Likes
And whose fault is that? 
3 Likes
No introduction for the robot man. Could it be intentional?
2 Likes
meesa have smooth brain
3 Likes