The Last Raider: BLP Story Serial #2

Here is the second serial in the Bionicle Legcy Project. @Drahcir_Nosnevets should have the third serial out in another week or so, keep an eye out if you're interested.

If you missed our first serial, here is a link: http://board.ttvchannel.com/t/important-choices-blp-story-serial-1/32354


He grasped for air as the dust drfited down around him, something had awoken him. As he looked around at the rubble sorrounding him, he growled softly; they had done this but they would pay. The buried warrior felt another presence close by, something hidden, something dark, something greater than himself.

"Axato", the voice reverberated around his enclosed prison. Glaring with a gleaming red eye, he swung his head side to side and yet still saw nothing. Axato stretched his hand out in search in something.

"Axato", repeated the voice. When he did not reply Axato felt a tugging sensation in his mind, a ringing noise in his ears.

"Get out of my head!" The rubble shifted and out appeared a shining blade, followed by an arm with two golden spikes encrusted upon it. The dirt drifted and cascaded down the sides of his torso as Axato heaved himself out of his cell. Weapon in hand, and snarling, he reached for his spear, slashing the sword in front of himself as a means of defence.

"Enough!" Came a roar from the voice. A clashing noise sounded as the sword fell to the ground, its blue cross guard glistening in the darkness. Falling to his knee's, Axato grunted as his ears were deafened by a high pitched ringing.

"Who are you?"
"I am Kulta's master, I am the Lord of Shadows, I am the God of Okoto, I am MAKUTA!" Rocks dropped from the roof, cracks ran like veins and travelled the cavern walls as the voice boomed.

The warrior stiffened up, he had heard that name. "You", he rasped, "you left us to die, pawns in your meaningless games."

The entity mused over those words. "Well I don't see any survivors, except you and one other."

Anger rushed through his system as he hissed the words, "Kulta! That incompetent failure, he is the reason we've been reduced to animals and extinction. My whole life I followed him and for what? Everything I believed in, everything I cared about - reduced to nothing. Yet you expect me to follow him once more on your behalf?"

"Never, Kulta has made his failures abundant to me. You will replace him."

"I will never for you, never! You destroyed everything I lived for!"

"What if I offered you something in return."

"And what is that?" Axato struggled to contain his interest, incase Makuta gave him something that was worth an alliance.

"A chance to crush your enemies, avenge your brothers. You can punish the Okotans for their wrongdoings."

"I thought it was your aim to rule over them?"

"I was imprisoned back in the Shadow Realm, but my prescence remains strong"

"What help can you can you offer me?" The Raider continued looking around for a sign of his unseen companion.

"I have seen an orb, a golden one that is forged from something that belongs to me. The power it contains would give you the potential to bring Okoto to its knees. I can tell where it is."

Axato charged forward with his thinking now, everything he wanted was being given to him. "Very well, lead me to-"

But he was interrupted, "NOT SO FAST, you must prove yourself first."

"Very well, what must I do." Red eyes glared in determination, the Skull Raider had a purpose once. I will leave my people with a legacy that is worthy of them, he thought to himself, they deserve that at least.


Give us your thoughts and hope you enjoyed it

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Pretty neat, but it definitely doesn't have as much content as the previous one. It's basically the introduction of the main antagonist it seems. I'm interested in what that orb macguffin might be.

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That was the main aim

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In the book Axato to me seemed more like an "all muscles, no brain" kind of dude, but I also like your take on his personality,it makes a lot of sense.

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Well that would be awful stereotyping now wouldn't it if we did that? :wink:

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Totally agree.

which makes me think: what if Krekka had been the main bad guy in 04? :stuck_out_tongue:
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I love the direction that these serials are going in, but the distinct number of grammatical and spelling errors makes it a little hard to follow.

...Should be: "He gasped for air as the dust drifted down around him; something had awoken him. As he looked around at the rubble surrounding him, he growled softly; they had done this, but they would pay.

That said, these quick stories show off a lot of world-building, emotion, and straight-up Bionicle grit in a relatively short, episodic format. Other than the grammar/spelling, my only piece of feedback would be that these would be even better if they were about 50% longer.

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Actually I'm pretty sure that's right since a semicolon is used to connect two or more ideas in a sentence. In that sentence it is not the case, at least from what I can see. But let's not flood this topic with a grammar argument.

But as for your point about them being longer, we'll take that into consideration.

@Azani just the bit that says "dust drifted down around him.....awoken him."

But your welcome, the project would fail, be unpopular and boring if we didn't, and we definitely want to avoid that

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Yeah, I'm not totally sure which part you're referring to on the semicolon, but it isn't too big of a deal regardless. You may very well be right.

Thanks for listening to the ideas.

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OK, where do I start? I love this, you're an amazing author, MK! The plot thickens; will the Raider have to fight himself, a beast or something far worse... I've got goosebumps!

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Thanks for the compliment, glad you enjoyed it

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you're welcome, keep up the awesome work!

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