Prologue
A matoran enters a strange room filled with ancient technology and weapons on the walls. The matoran approaches a area where 2 hooded beings stood looking at a computer with strange stats on it. “Karzahni and Tren Krom have been eliminated.” the matoran said. One of the hooded figures turned and said, “Good. Now we must find Artakha and eliminate him as well.” “Are you sure that this is the right decision Angonce?” the matoran responded. After a bit of silence the other hooded being spoke up “If we are to rule this planet we must get rid of beings who might stand in our way. It is the only way Velika.” The matoran nodded and said “Very well Heremus. I’ll go find him.”
Chapter 1
In a valley on Spherus Magna a massive city filled with Agori, Glatorian, Toa, and Matoran lied. The city was known as Mata Nui City in honor of the one who reformed the planet. The missing toa Pohatu, Lewa, and Kopaka have been found and returned to the city. Tahu greets them at the entrance of the city and says with excitement, “Brothers! You have returned!” “Brother! Nice to see you!” said Pohatu. They fist bump and move towards the center of the city to the Tuarga’s hut. They enter the hut and speak to the Tuarga to catch up on recent events.
Velika enters the Great Being’s Fortress and approaches the area where Artaka and several other matoran sat. “Who sent you here?” said Velika. “I did…old friend hehe” said a messed up being in the cell "You’re still alive!? Hm. Interesting."Velika. “Matoran, are you here to set us free” asked Artaka. “Yes I am.” Velika lied. “Now please give me your mask.” he said. “No” Artaka said raising his hammer, “You are not a matoran and you are not here to help.” “No I am not.” said Velika. He smirked and used a pain wave attack on Artaka to subdue him so he can grab his mask. Velika leaves with part of his mission complete. As he walked away the fortress exploded killing everyone in it.
Later that night a meeting was held to talk about how the city’s government should be run. “A democracy would be the best for the citizens.” said Raanu. “Agreed” said Tuarga Dume. “If you are for a democracy say aye.” Raanu said. Everyone in unison said aye. “Then it is decided. We will have a vote on who should be governor. Dismissed” Dume said and with that everyone left.
In the secret hideout the 2 hooded beings and Velika discuss their plans. “Good…good! Now our plan can commence.” Heremus said. “Yes brother but have you thought about any rebellions against our empire?” said Angonce. “Yes I did. The new vahki will handle them.” “They are ready to enforce law and strike fear in their hearts.” said Velika. “Good. We will finally rule with an iron fist.”
Chapter 2 coming soon…
Also quick note: Thanks for the compliments and I’m sure you think you might know where this is going but I have a big plot twist planned for this so stay tuned for other chappters @Alex_Twenty_Two@ToaHahli@Triple
Pretty good. I will say that it’s difficult to read something that’s just a single, solid paragraph, so I would try splitting it up some. It’s something I struggled with a lot when I first started writing. A good way to do it is to just hit enter whenever the main focus changes or someone new is speaking. It just makes it easier to read.
Another thing:
This isn’t a great way to phrase this. It says all it needs to, but it just comes across as bland. Try using more adjectives and sentences, and you get a much more interesting story.
So overall, it’s pretty good. I’m interested to see where it goes!
I’m pretty interested thus far, but I’m uncertain about having the remaining great beings want to takeover everything. I’m sure you could flesh out Velika and make it fit better, but if I remember correctly, Angonce was good and wanted to protect the Agori/Glatorian. I don’t want to criticize too much given that you haven’t finished the story yet. I’m can’t wait to see what comes next.
It seems like a good story, but I feel like I’m reading the spark-notes version of it…
The dialog is good, but the world seems to lack detail, try describing the setting more and adding detail there, it will go a long way towards immersion and understanding overall.
it’s also a good place to hide hints in the background for future plot twists
Chapter 2
Ackar is sitting in the seats of the Mata Nui City coliseum thinking about the news he just found out. The coliseum was big, and took up a big chunk of the city. It had a similar shape of the Atreo arena, and in the coliseum Kolhi matches and special announcements are made in the coliseum. The most recent announcement wasn’t held by the Turaga but by the Great Beings themselves. Ackar was very troubled by what they had to say, they wanted to lead the inhabitants of Spherus Magna. “The thing is they didn’t say they’d do it peacefully…they said an Empire but…it doesn’t matter, as long as their fair I’ll be fine.” muttered Ackar.
The Turaga and the Toa nuva are sitting in the meeting room discussing the sudden appearance of the Great Beings and why they want to rule the inhabitants of Spherus Magna. “I don’t like it. They should’t have that much power over us. We don’t even know their true intentions.” said Tahu. “Agreed but do we have a choice?” replied Dume. “Yes, we alwa-” “No Tahu. The answer is no.” “Well then Turaga, you are a fool.” said Tahu. “Tahu, you should give it a chance.” Lewa told Tahu. “Yeah brother we shouldn’t be so quick to judge” said Onua. Frustrated Tahu left and went towards the coliseum.
Ackar saw Tahu enter and walked towards him. “Tahu! Is something wrong?” Ackar said. “Yes there is…the Great Beings can’t just randmly show up and tell us to bow down to them. It’s like if Makuta Teridax came up to you and said kneel.” replied Tahu. “But the Great Beings aren’t as bad as you think. Sure they abandoned us and sure they just disappeared but remember they technically created you.” “Were you even there when they said the wanted to RULE us. NOT lead us.” Ackar begins to get angry. “And were you there when we were attacked by a giant robot??” “Yes I wa-” Ackar cuts him off “No don’t say that you were because your perspective was different! Do you even know how many Agori and Glatorian died? No you don’t because you Matoran and Toa don’t even care!” “Yeah your right I don’t care! Your people weren’t my top priority at that moment and they still aren’t!” Ackar then takes out his sword and strikes Tahu with a fire blast. Tahu is shocked and looks at Ackar “Fine then Glatorian, if it’s a fight you want then it’s a fight you’ll get.”
So, a grammar rule that can take some getting used to is to have a new paragraph start whenever somebody new starts talking. It looks awkward at first, but it’s so much more pleasant to read.
