The Legends of Mythron
Before life was born there were the first elements, these elements shaped the universe creating planets, stars, moons and life. The first form of life created by the elements were made to control the elements vast emount of power shared equaly to the life forms, for billions of years the life forms lived out there lives working, children playing until a dark shadow fell upon the world infecting all life with chaos and dread.
Before the planet was completely consumed in darkness the king and queen of the planet placed their two children in to an escape pod along with ten keys, each key containing a element that created the universe. As the pod escaped the planet was completely consumed in the darkness and the planet was left as a empty rock.
For 4 years the pod floated through space till a nearby planet pulled the pod in to it’s atmosphere, As the pod desended through the clouds emerged a civilaisation of humans and anthropamorphic creatures. The pod crashed landed at the front steps of the palace, ten flags hung from windows of the palace, as the queen of the palace came out from the front door her face droped in seeing the pod with the two children inside and the queen adopted them after listening to a holotape from the two children’s biological mother daying what has happened and who the children are and what the keys are for.
5 years later
“Darkus Meditor can you come here please” Queen Xion called out to the two boys, as the boys called Darkus-Eclipse and Meditor walked in to the room Darkus aged 9 and Meditor aged 12. “Yes mother” the boys said at the same time seeing their Queen Xion holding a box with a odd looking crest on it, “I think its time i tell you about where you come from, i know your still young but i think i should tell you where you really came from”
Queen Xion expalined everything to the two brothers, understanding the brothers looked after the element keys. One day a tragic day accoured Queen Xion came to an illness that there was no known cure for and on the same day an army of undead warriors attacked the city, Queen Xion escaped with the brothers in to the Everforget Forest but to their surprise the Lord of the undead Creious was waiting for them in her weakening state Xion engaged a battle with Creious as the brothers hid behind a rock and stayed out sight.
The battle wasn’t very long Queen Xion was getting too weak to hold up her sword in a last attempted she charged at Creious, Creious struck her with his sword going straight through her heart “hahahaha i have defeated queen Xion i am unstopable” a smerk formed on Xions face “Take another look”. Xion mangaged to lift her sword up enough to strike Creious in the heart, Both Xion and Creious fell to the ground as blood slowly ran out of the two bodies, Darkus and Meditor ran other to Xion’s lifeless body.
10 years later
Darkus walked along the stoney path in the Everforget Forest and stood in front of a grave stone it read here lies Queen Xion died protecting her kingdom and her sons, Darkus ear twitched as he heard a sound coming from a bush behind him “who’s there show yourself?” a dark figure with purple mist coming off of them spoke their voice dark and demonic “Darkus-Eclipse im a friend i mean no harm i can help you with your problem, all you need to do is accept the power i have”
Darkus agreed and was overcome by the power the stranger had and changed completely, upon returning to the palace he attacked all the guards and soldiers of the Palace and headed straight for Meditor to attack him, Meditor put up a good fight with Darkus-Eclipse. In the end Meditor used the Element Keys to defeat Darkus and sealed him away in a coffin made of the strongest metal in that time line and sealed the coffin deep under the Temple of light.
Meditor scattered the keys all over the planet Mythron to keep them out of the hands of evil if it should return, Which brings us to the beginning of our story for these are The Legends of Mythron.
I really think you got something cool here, but you should work on spelling and punctuation, as Smerk is actually spelled Smirk, and the critical three forms of ‘there’. Their, where you have multiple people having the same anything. For example, “Their courage outmatched the deadly Makuta”. ‘There’ which is used like “Over there!”. Finally, They’re(they are), which is “They’re gonna move across the bridge.”.
There’s also the “Yours”. Your is talking about “All in all, I just want to see your writing improve.” and then You’re(you are) is talking about “You’re gonna regret crossing Darkus.”
If you want to show a point where the reader has to pause for a very intense scene, use a comma(,). For example, when Darkus and Meditor’s mother calls to them, you would have her say “Darkus, Meditor, come here please”. You may think it’s minor, but I thought Darkus Meditor was some kind of bounty hunter until I read the mother part.
I’d like to commend you on using the active voice more than a passive one when you use ‘was’ less frequently.
Also, I know this is a bit of a flashback sequence, making this less important, but could you go into some more detail on what our main character is doing and who he/she is?
All in all I just want to see your writing improve(see what I did there), and I hope you take something from this, and make this story an epic one with this advice.
this is how i right my stories i do this to
A: make people/ the reader use their imagination
B: give my UNIVERSE a big storyline
C: cause i am going to do short stories for each character apart from Darkus and Meditor
and D: cause i like to see people/ the readers beg for more info
So, the story is good, but the grammar and such could use some work. The run on sentences, lack of commas, and wrong tenses make it sorta difficult to read. Just work on that and you’ll have a great story though.
im british we write differently to how america does
While I understand that some of it might be different, basic grammar is pretty much the same. Just work on it, and your story will be great.
Unfortunately, that can lead to issues with any kind of English. Grammar is important, because it really helps immerse the reader into the story when it is easy for them to understand. It is very important as a storywriter.
Making the reader use their own imagination is wonderful, as long as they’re following your main idea that one character acts a certain way and the other acts the complete opposite, or whatever you’re going for.
To give your universe a big storyline is fine, but you have to consider people getting attached to the main story. It’s a problem I regularly quarrel with, because one mistake in spelling or grammar can potentially turn someone off to your story nowadays.
Can we at least understand in the first chapter what their likes and dislikes, as well as what their general appearance is?
just wait for chapter 1 to start it’ll introduce 3 characters
Camo F large
Yeah, but we haven’t learned enough about the brothers yet. Or will these characters help them along in their story(whether they be obstacles or friends)?
British English and American English actually have proper punctuation, whatever language you’re speaking doesn’t.
search them up on my profile page and dont worry eveturally through out the chapters well the later chapters they will be explained
so im kinda like Scott Cawthon
But Scott made Fnaf, a horror game, where the story is in the background. It’s not quite the same thing you’re going for, not even by a longshot. In FNAF, you don’t need to understand much about the story, so it’s not the main deal. Anyway, I think fnaf’s story(what I understood) is full of plotholes. Cawthon isn’t an ideal idol. Look to J.K. Rowling, where you have a description of who Harry, Ron, and Hermione are precisely when you meet those characters. Heck, when you meet Dumbledore and Hagrid in the first book, it’s easy to picture them.
no i mean Scott didnt show everything till FNAF 4 soon to be 5
and im doing the same i wont tell everything till a point of time when i get good at animation CGI animation and tell the story through that
that’s going to be hard. Well, good luck with that.
I sincerely wish you luck. Animation is an incredible thing to master.
The problem is, if FNAF was gonna have a story, it should have started in the first game developing characters and explaining a timeline. Not in the fourth game. Look at some big titles like Halo, where they establish that the Covenant has been fought desperately for years, the Forerunners are an ancient alien race, and the Flood is why Halo was built, all in the first game.
This applies to your story because most people won’t care about your story unless they care about and know your characters immediately.
It’d be a waste of talent to make a CGI animation if the average person doesn’t care about your characters. It’s a hard truth many have been faced with. I recommend improving your writing if you do go through with that.
And that isn’t the ideal way to tell a story, especially something shaping up to be an expansive sci-fi fantasy such as this.
Holding back story details is one thing
but holding back the personalities of characters that ought to be our reason for caring about them is a terrible idea.
Moreover, FNAF withheld information while providing tidbits.
That’s not what you’re doing.
You’re dumping a bunch of exposition, without providing smaller details that would give us a reason to get invested in said exposition.
The run-on sentences make this even worse, having the exposition come out jumbled-together and rushed.
Even as a prologue, you still need to provide details about these events and slow down the plot progression so we can have a chance to get invested.
Either that, or have the entire thing be vague and mystical, like a folktale (a la the opening narration of Mask of Light). However, you still need to take it slow, and ease your audience into this grand world of yours.
TLDR, you’re rushing. Don’t rush.
British English still uses commas and recognizes the phenomenon known as the run-on sentence.
This isn’t really justification for many of your errors.