the characterization of Lovani, Ritter, and M I Krophone are great
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So Zork and Aither continued towards the castle, until Aither stopped walking. “What’s wrong?” Zork inquired. “Is that fire o’er thon?” Aither replied. There was a large pillar of smoke rising from somewhere. “Well…should we investigate? There might be people there!” Zork said. “Ach, another detour?” Aither replied “Weel, i suppose thon castle isnae gonnae move…” So Aither and Zork took a detour, towards the fire.
Meanwhile…
“Hoho Scrimmy you d1d a very good job setting that smallish town on fire” The robotic gremlin said to an even shorter person than him. “Yeah, yeah, i just want to get paid. can i get paid now?” The small person replied. “No not yet u just gotta do a few more stuff for m3 then u can get some cookies or whatev3r Bcos i need u 2 g3t Spork, Aether to come her3 and g3t to ploy the gaem show, it’ll be absolutley trick, scrimmy just a few more t4sks then you shalt be paid” The Gremlin said. " Scrimmy looked annoyed. “Fiiiine, i’ll get them to come over and play your stupid gameshow.”
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Well…I really think i should have put more effort into this thing than i did when i started it… I’ll try and finish the story, though even i don’t really know what is going to happen.
Zork and Aither pulled up to the fire. “How did we pull up? we weren’t in a car-” The fire was burning. Zork asked a random person what had happened. “What happened?” He asked, like i just told you. “AH, YOUNG CUSTOMER’S. PERHAP’S YOU SHOULD LIKE TO PURCHASE AN EXCELLENT PRICE’D FIS’H?” The random person replied. “That doesn’t answer my question-” Zork began. “AH, YOUNG CUSTOMER’S, PERHAP’S YOU-” Zork walked away from the conversation. Aither asked some other random person what had happened. “Whit happened ‘ere? Did somethin’ explode?” He asked.
“WELCOME,WELCOME YOUNG CUSTOMER’S, PERHAP’S YOU WOULD POSSIBLY REQUIRE A MAGIC POTION, SOLD FOR AN EXCELLENTLY PRICE’D” Aither walked over to Zork. “Somethin’s no’ right here.” He whispered. Suddenly, a scream emerged from the fire.
“HELP THIS FIRE IS ON FIRE” The “person” screamed. “We’ll help, don’t worry-” The fire went out.“What?” Zork said. This time a new voice said something.
“Aha, y0u are now at my 4m4zing gmae sh0w! Scr1mmy did an excel job making this fake town and setting it on fire” The voice said. Zork saw the random person he had asked’s head fall off, leading him to believe that the people were artificial. “Who are you?” Zork asked. “I am the gr8 M.I.Krophone, and th1s has all been p4rt of my incredile plan. n0w u are here and u will play my gmaeshow.”
Zork and Aither looked at each other. “Er…What is this Gameshow o’ yours?” Aither asked.“HAHA, ti’s a simple gmae of winning (Me) and losing(U) all u have to do is say what you want to win, th3n i will say what i want to win, and then the gmae begin.
Oh yeah, now the gmae begin”
A trapdoor opened and Zork and Aither fell down.
Meanwhile…
Astrada’s investigations hadn’t helped. There didn’t seem to be any entrance or exit to this place. Was it a pocket dimension? Was it underground? Was it- His train of thought was suddenly interrupted. A crack in the stone wall let in the tiniest amount of sunlight. The underground theory was more or less confirmed. Astrada picked up a chisel, a new plan forming in his head. If i can break a hole big enough for myself, i can escape. He struck at the rock with a passion. Karzanhi watched this from his balcony, knowing instantly what had happened.
“Ah, yet another thinks he is saving only himself, whereas he is really helping my cause. I almost pity that fat silver titan, if only he knew what sending all these prisoners here will bring about.”
AUTHOR WORDS:
Hey, if any of you know how i could improve my writing, please tell me. i really want this to be an interesting story to read, but i can’t help but feel it’s actually rather cringe.
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you could put paragraph breaks every time someone speaks
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Ok.
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Well, in all honesty I was doing my best to avoid this topic in its entirety because of the nature of the story - it’s not exactly uncommon for newer users to begin writing an origin novel for the primary oc used as a self-moc, and it’s not exactly uncommon for said work to be a fair bit
But what the heck, since you ask so politely
When you first joined the site
you would constantly overuse
paragraph breaks in a manner
much like this.
But the scarcity of paragraph breaks here is a bit jarring. Whereas the above quote should read more like this:
If this were the case, as is with most other well-written stories on the boards, it becomes apparent the actual content of the Origin of Zork is woefully little. Each sentence is very short and crammed together to appear as a larger whole, and most of the dialogue consists of lolrandom for the sake of lolrandom.
Like this instance of 1337speak which this character only uses infrequently (and who also misspells words which become far more difficult to pronounce when misspelled). It doesn’t really serve any purpose and adds to the negative perception of the story as a whole.
So the addition of an apostrophe in any word is known as a contraction, shrinking a word or two words and combining them together for means of speed. You are to You’re, It is to It’s, They have to They’ve, as examples. Perhaps has been given a contraction for no reason at all.
And lastly, the plot. I’m not going to go over the entire thing right now, but the robotic gremlin mentioned in the prior chapter had an entire artificial town constructed and then lit on fire for only a second solely to distract zork, and it becomes of zero consequence later on, much like most of the plot elements here, having very little connection to one another and existing for, from what I can tell, lolrandom’s sake alone.
the contraction of lolrandom was meant as a possessive. the sake,in this context, is the possession of the aforementioned lolrandom.
also, there’s a rather clumsy breaking of the language filter on the boards, but staff refused to remove it because it felt within the context as approprite to the message. seems like a bit of a double standard on the part of the mod squad.
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Well yeah, It is just lolrandom. Mainly because i just made this up as i went along, thinking it would be okay, But it really wasn’t. I would like to abandon this and start a fresh story, but it probably wouldn’t be any better. thank you for pointing out all the flaws, however i don’t think i’ll really be fixing any problems. I myself don’t like how this turned out, so i’ll probably do something else now.
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Yeah I think that you should do this
Edit:
welp
goodbye origin of zork.
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This topic was doomed from the start lol
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