The Shadows Rise story serials

here is the first story serial from the shadows rise team. in order to make to rest of the project work we re-wrote episodes 4 and 5.
Bionicle: The Shadows Rise
Journey to One re-write.
By dragologer.

BOOK 1.
SCOURGE OF THE BEASTS!

Chapter 1. Makuta’s Will

Umarak’s one thought was to get out! Get out of this dark place! His ever changing body hurt with every step he took. Each stride left a pool of trailing acid in its wake. His eyes burned with anger at the thought of Makuta and his betrayal.
“He promised me power!” he sputtered whilst dragging himself up a crumbling stairway. “He promised me dominion over this land!” it was hard to see as every time he moved his jaw a spray of acid would spew from his mouth and cloud his vision.
If you had been the Great Hawk that flew over the mouth of that cave you would have witnessed a most gruesome sight. Umarak had finally stepped out of the dark cave and let out a roar of pain that would have given any sensible Okotin nightmares for the rest of his life. Claws and jagged crystals now protruded from every part of his body.
Umarak then slumped to his knees and screamed, “What have you done to me?!”
Slowly a dark shadow crept up the side of the cliff. Glowing red eyes appeared in this mass of darkness and then it spoke, “Why Umarak…..” Makuta said. “I have done what I promised. I have given you great power and the ability to control this land!”
“You never said anything about this.” Umarak said only to choke on more acid seeping through his teeth.
“You should be thankful, Umarak. You are no longer a pitiful roamer of these lands. You have more power than you know what to do with!” Makuta grinned. “You are a trapper of creatures no more. You are now a servant of shadow!”
“I serve no one!” Umarak yelled. “You can't control me, I’ll...” Umarak paused for a second. Suddenly a huge wave of pain struck him. He fell to the ground and writhed before Makuta.
“That my dear Umarak is what you will experience any time you even THINK to defy me!” Get up worm!” Makuta said.
Slowly Umarak stood up and bowed. “What are your orders … Great One?.....” he replied with disgust.
“Dont flatter me” Makuta replied. “For thousands of years I've prepared for this. You are to travel under the highest mountain in the region of stone and awaken the elemental beasts. Creatures of shadow I have created for one purpose, the destruction of this island! They will sweep this island clear until they find my forbidden mask”.
“But….I have not the power” Umarak replied.
“FOOL!” Makuta yelled. “Why do you think I let you find the Mask of Control in the first place? Now GO….or should I make my point clearer?”
“You have made your point…..Master” Umarak grumbled.
“When you have found the mask bring it to me so I may….reward you for your efforts”. Makuta grinned. Then the shadowy figure faded, leaving Umarak with a feeling of regret for the trust he had put in this tyrant.

Y'know it's nice and all... But have you ever heard of capital letters and paragraphs?

Just work on the grammar and this could be quite good

Of course I have heard of those! Oh brother. I didn't have time to proof read it as it was late when I posted it. So just enjoy the story and don't worry about the grammar. It will be fixed soon.

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The lack of indentations and proper spacing makes this extremely difficult to read, and the sentences are all very abrupt and awkward, with almost nothing to connect them.

The way the story is written is just spontaneous and there's a lack of flow in the sentence structure that makes it somewhat annoying to try and process, as one thought quickly jumps to another.

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thank you for that joe. :slight_smile: your always so polite and encouraging.

Bionicle: The Shadows Rise
Journey to One re-write.
By dragologer.

BOOK 1.
SCOURGE OF THE BEASTS!

Chapter 1. Makuta’s Will

Umarak’s one thought was to get out! Get out of this dark place! His ever changing body hurt with every step he took. Each stride left a pool of trailing acid in its wake. His eyes burned with anger at the thought of Makuta and his betrayal.

“He promised me power!” he sputtered whilst dragging himself up a crumbling stairway. “He promised me dominion over this land!” it was hard to see as every time he moved his jaw a spray of acid would spew from his mouth and cloud his vision.
If you had been the Great Hawk that flew over the mouth of that cave you would have witnessed a most gruesome sight. Umarak had finally stepped out of the dark cave and let out a roar of pain that would have given any sensible Okotin nightmares for the rest of his life. Claws and jagged crystals now protruded from every part of his body.
Umarak then slumped to his knees and screamed, “What have you done to me?!”
Slowly a dark shadow crept up the side of the cliff. Glowing red eyes appeared in this mass of darkness and then it spoke, “Why Umarak…..” Makuta said. “I have done what I promised. I have given you great power and the ability to control this land!”
“You never said anything about this.” Umarak said only to choke on more acid seeping through his teeth.
“You should be thankful, Umarak. You are no longer a pitiful roamer of these lands. You have more power than you know what to do with!” Makuta grinned. “You are a trapper of creatures no more. You are now a servant of shadow!”
“I serve no one!” Umarak yelled. “You can't control me, I’ll...” Umarak paused for a second. Suddenly a huge wave of pain struck him. He fell to the ground and writhed before Makuta.
“That my dear Umarak is what you will experience any time you even THINK to defy me!” Get up worm!” Makuta said.
Slowly Umarak stood up and bowed. “What are your orders … Great One?.....” he replied with disgust.
“Dont flatter me” Makuta replied. “For thousands of years I've prepared for this. You are to travel under the highest mountain in the region of stone and awaken the elemental beasts. Creatures of shadow I have created for one purpose, the destruction of this island! They will sweep this island clear until they find my forbidden mask”.
“But….I have not the power” Umarak replied.
“FOOL!” Makuta yelled. “Why do you think I let you find the Mask of Control in the first place? Now GO….or should I make my point clearer?”
“You have made your point…..Master” Umarak grumbled.
“When you have found the mask bring it to me so I may….reward you for your efforts”. Makuta grinned. Then the shadowy figure faded, leaving Umarak with a feeling of regret for the trust he had put in this tyrant.

here is the revised version.

or if that is not enough try the doc folder. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Ft8xYLp-8IvtiEnGjNWur8POhUN3AxPkr8upvrDzBEI/edit?usp=sharing
after this last endeavor, all of the serials will be posted via doc.

@Joe is this acceptable now joe? because the success of these stories does depend on your opinion. :imp:

Edited for Double Post - Waj

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The flow works much better, but some parts of it seem like an odd choice of punctuation and word choice.

In creative or formal writing all-caps doesn't exactly tend to fit as a form of emphasis, especially if it's not followed by any exclamation. If you wish to emphasize something, I recommend relying more so on italicization.

Not even sure what's going on here.

Also, this quote needs something to punctuate it, even if it's only a comma.

It's in a process of improvement, but still needs more work for the dialogue to flow properly, primarily in punctuation but also in capitalization.

I'm flattered. :slight_smile:

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im certainly glad you like it but i was being sarcastic. :laughing:

Also to everyone, there will be a new serial every week!

as was he.

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yah....i caught that. but keeping in line with the TOPIC....how is the story?
also to everyone here is the serial in audio form. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vA9FybnReQ8

Here is chapter 2 in audio form! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pvUjHM5CIys&feature=youtu.be
UPDATE! these serials are just going to be strictly in audio form from now on.
its easier,quicker and more fun to do it this way. :slight_smile:


here is serial number 3!

You use the tab button.

Your podcast was rather interesting. What would need to be done to possibly get into one? I feel like I would like to discuss this stuff and learn more about it.

You could ask Thatch Mac, but Dragologer also on discord so you can try there since he chose to leave the site

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