Transcripts of Eljay's Review Skits

[thewimpykid]

2007

1-The Mahritoran

[“December 31, 2006, 11:59 PM” flashes across the screen; Defilak and Dekar are looking at the Bionicle website]

Defilak: Well, looks like another years’ at an end, Dekar. Tell me, do you have any regrets?

Dekar: Nah, not really. Well, there-there was the one thing. I do wish we started that swimming club we always wanted to. That won’t bite us in the rear end anytime soon.

Defilak: Yep. That’s for sure. [looks at computer screen] Hup! It’s midnight! Let’s refresh the page! [refreshes the page]

[the 2007 Bionicle website is shown on the computer screen]

2-The Hydruka

[Morak is looking at the Bionicle wiki; he clicks on his page and reads under the Trivia section: “Due to the major cuts done to the story in 2007, Morak was never seen in any comics or books. However, Morak did have an entry in the Bionicle Encyclopedia Updated.” Morak then opens up the Bionicle Encyclopedia Updated and reads his entry, which is extremely short; he turns to see a pair of scissors with Greg Farshtey’s face taped onto them; the scissors come closer to him while snipping]

Morak: Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Aaaahhhhh!!!

3-Takadox

Takadox: [relaxing on a beach chair] Ah, this is the life! ■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■ what the doctor ordered! [gets up] But enough of that. Time to figure out why I just can never win nighttime hide-and-seek. Hm…

4-Kalmah

Ehlek: Hey Kalmah!

Kalmah: Mm. What is it, Ehlek?

Ehlek: Hey buddy, I know we’ve known each other for a long time, but-uh-are you a squid or an octopus? I-I really can’t tell.

Kalmah: What in the world makes you think I’m an octopus? See, I’m a squid. Can’t you tell?

Carapar: Maybe it’s all those times you inked the bed, Kalmah! [laughs]

[Kalmah takes Carapar and puts him in an oven]

Carapar: Wait-Kalmah, no! I was just kidding, Kalmah! Kalmah, oh!

5-Carapar

Carapar: Ah, there’s nothing like looking at family pictures.

[Carapar is looking a picture and a Wikipedia page about the Fiddler Crab]

6-Mantax

Mantax: I have no friends. Only enemies I haven’t killed yet.

Eljay: [sobbing and patting Mantax on the head] Me too, Mantax. Me too.

7-Ehlek

Ehlek: Now, prepare to face my eel army…on land! [a snake starts to slither on Ehlek] Wait-what? No! No, wrong way! No, this isn’t what I had in mind when I traded in eels for snakes! Ah!

8-Pridak

[Pridak is looking at the IMDB page for Jaws]

Pridak: I remember the good old days.

Jaws Trailer: We’re gonna need a bigger boat.

9-Nocturn

Eljay: We’ll rebuild him. We’ll make him stronger than before. The sharpest blades, like that of shark teeth. A strong tentacle for crushing his enemies. Deadly blue spikes. The head of the strongest crab. What-what do manta rays have? Forget it. Give him spikes. Spikes are cool. Oh-and glowy blue stuff. That’s awesome. [shows the finished Nocturn] And his name shall be… Prilakidoxaparceltox! [short pause] Okay. I quit.

10-Kongu

Kongu: Alright, it’s time for me to summon a powerful creature using my Mask of Summoning!

[shot of Kongu standing before a dog]

Kongu: Eh, well, looks like I’m never using this mask again.

11-Jaller

Jaller: [looks down] Hm?

[Hahnah Crab walks up to Jaller]

Jaller: Oh, look, a small Rahi who seemingly wants to befriend me. Hm, now that I think about it, Takua had a pet Ussal crab. Maybe I could join the club! Come here, buddy! [mounts a Cordak blaster on the Hahnah Crab and laughs] Sucker! Now you get to carry the cannon! Have fun!

12-Hewkii

Hydraxon: Hey Hewkii, let me give you a hand. [holds hand out]

[Hewkii looks down at his right arm, which has an open ball joint with no hand]

13-Nuparu

Nuparu: I wonder how long it’s gonna take people to realize I’m not using my mask. Just dead. Hm.

14-Hahli

Hahli: Time to test out these new wings.

Hewkii: Hahli, what are you doing?

Hahli: It’s okay, Hewkii. I’ve got these new wings, and I am a Toa!

Hewkii: Wait, no! Hahli! Your joints are lime!

15-Matoro

Maxilos: No matter how hard you try, Matoro, you cannot defeat me. Not even if you freeze me solid-

[Matoro looks offscreen; jump cut to Matoro putting Maxilos in a refrigerator]

Maxilos: Hey-wait. Matoro? Let’s talk about-

[Matoro closes the refrigerator]

Maxilos: Pretty please?

Matoro: Well, time to go do that dying thing. [sighs] Responsibilities.

16-Gadunka

Eljay: Oh, good morning, Gadunka. How are you doing-have you been brushing those chompers? Ah-ah. Have you been flossing right between the teeth? Alright, that’s good, good. Ah-alright. Now, open your jaws. Open ‘em up. Up wide. C’mon, open ‘em up. Oh, that’s good. That-Gadunka. Did you eat another Toa? [points at the door] Get out of my office.

17-Hydraxon

Dekar: [holding the Mask of Life] It’s okay, Mr. Mask. I’ll keep you safe. [hears something rushing by] What-what was that sound? No!

[creepy music plays as a pair of scissors with Greg Farshtey’s face taped on comes for Dekar; the scissors snip]

Dekar: No. No! NNNOOOOAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!

[fade to black before cutting to Dekar in the form of Hydraxon]

Hydraxon: What-whoa. What-I-I-I have eyes!

18-Maxilos And Spinax

Maxilos: Do do-do d-do. And halt.

[Spinax comes to a stop as Maxilos stops; he pants like a dog]

Maxilos: [petting Spinax] Ah, yes, who’s a good skeleton dog? You are. Good boy.

[Maxilos looks up to see Kulta approaching; a Skull Scorpio comes up beside Kulta]

Maxilos: What are you doing?

Kulta: I’m walking my skeletal scorpion. What are you doing?

Maxilos: I’m walking my skeletal dog.

Kulta: Aw. Poser. [turns and leaves]

19-Lesovikk

Vakama: I’m a terrible leader.

Lesovikk: [burps] Join the club, buddy.

20-Karzahni

Eljay: Here we are, at the annual Bionicle reunion.

Hahli: OMG Gali, you look so great-

[Karzahni taps Hahli on the shoulder]

Hahli: Who-yeah?

Karzahni: Uh-hey, Hahli. Uh-could you sign my yearbook?

Hahli: Absolutely. Here, let’s just go ahead and take a look at your book. [opens up Bionicle: World] Alright, over here and-uh…you really let yourself go.

21-Bionicle 2007

Hydraxon: [sighs] Now that everyone’s gone from the Pit, what am I gonna do? Everything’s so…lonely.

[the Hahnah Crab walks up to Hydraxon]

Hydraxon: Mm? Why, hello little crab. Seeing you so small and tiny reminds me, everyone has a destiny. Everyone has a purpose in this Matoran universe. You know what your destiny is? [mounts a Cordak blaster on the Hahnah Crab] To be a sucker. Have fun carrying my Cordak blaster, crab. [laughs]

[thewimpykid]

2008

1-The Kardatoran

[a comment that reads “Solekians, are you ready to go to war against the Tanmanians today?” flashes across the screen as it fades into a shot of Solek tied against a log]

Solek: Ah. What-where am I?

[more comments that read “Praise Solek.” and “Solek Book 4: World War Solek begins” flash across the screen as Eljay stands over Solek]

Solek: Who…who are you? What do you want?

[more comments that read “Solek Book 5: World War Solek 2” “YOU KNOW IT’S TIME TO REVIEW SOLEK!” “did not know maso loves solek so much. and mazeka” and “Solek, Klakk, and Mazeka for the win!” flash across the screen as Eljay holds up a chainsaw and starts it up]

Solek: Wait! Wait! No!

[more comments that read “Solek need to shoot hisself with a zamor sphere” “Dat reference to my Journey of Solekians tho” and one other incomprehensible one flash across the screen]

Solek: No! NNNOOOO!!!

[Eljay uses his chainsaw to destroy Solek; Solek screams in pain as even more incomprehensible hate comments flash across the screen; shot of Solek in pieces, scattered across the snow]

2-Phantoka-Toa

Lewa: You know, Pohatu, I really like these visors.

Pohatu: Eh, Lewa? What? Eh? Eh? [deep breath, then sneezes] Aw, dang gum it!

Lewa: [laughs] Oh, look at you. Uh… [sneezes]

Kopaka: Suckers.

3-Phantoka-Makuta

[Antroz and Chirox are in a staring contest]

Antroz: You blinked.

Chirox: How would you know? We’re blind!

4-Mutran And Vican

Mutran: It’s alive. It’s alive! [laughs]

Vican: But…Mutran, it really isn’t.

Mutran: Oh. [sees the sawed-up pieces of Solek] I guess you’re right.

5-Toa Ignika

Lewa: Hey buddy, got a question for you.

Toa Ignika: Hm?

Lewa: We’re looking for a mask. Maybe you’ve seen it. [holds up a golden Mask of Life] Looks a little bit like something like this. Seen it anywhere?

Toa Ignika: Uh…nope. Can’t say I have. Sorry. [leaves]

6-Icarax

[Icarax is humming as he walks along]

Bitil: Oh, hey Teridax! How’s it going?

Icarax: What-what-I’m not Teridax! I’m Icarax! Gosh! [walks away while grumbling] Stupid Bitil.

Onua: Ooh, uh, hey Teridax. You wanna fight later, maybe you know, uh-huh, fight over the world? [laughs]

Icarax: [growls] I’m not Teridax! I’m Icarax! Gosh! [leaves] Gosh dang! I swear, why does everyone keep calling me that?

Gorast: Teridax? Oh, my favorite Makuta! Let’s take over the Matoran universe and kill them all!

Icarax: Okay. That’s it. Just because I wanna take over the Brotherhood, and take over the Matoran universe, and wear the Mask of Shadows, does not mean I am Terida…oh. I kind of understand now.

7-Mistika-Toa

[Tahu, Gali, and Onua are waiting for Eljay to arrive]

Eljay: Thanks Toa Nuva, for being here. As you know, I’m Mike Eljay, and I’m going to be directing the new movie detailing your conflict against the Makuta in Karda Nui. Obviously, we couldn’t cast you guys in the film. We got the next best thing. Presenting…the Toa Mistika! [points to his left] They’re sleek, they’re hip, they’re wow, they’re now. The reason they’re silver is because we ran out of gold.

8-Mistika-Makuta

Eljay: [scratches an itch on the back of his head] Ugh. [swats arm] Ugh. [swats arm] Ergh. [swats the back of his head] Aha! Gotcha! [pulls Gorast off his head] That is one big mosquito.

9-Vultraz

[Vultraz is looking on the Lego website; he sees a comment reading “It sucks.”]

Vultraz: Mom, is it really true?

Vacuum: I’m afraid so, dear.

10-Mazeka

Solek: Wow. Your swamp strider is so cool. If only I had a vehicle like that. Then I could help the Toa-I could help Kopaka. [looks at Mazeka] Eh…we look enough alike. [laughs]

[cut to a shot of Mazeka incapacitated; Solek takes his mask and puts it on]

Solek: Perfect! Now I’m Mazeka! Gee, we really did look a lot alike. [shrugs] Eh.

11-Takanuva

Takanuva: [flips a light switch on] Light on, light off. [flips it off, then flips it back on] Light on, light off. [flips it off again] Light on. [turns on lights again] Light off! [turns them off] Light on! [turns them on] Light off! [turns them off] Man, being a Toa of Twilight is easy!

12-Rockoh T3

Pohatu: [looking at the Rockoh T3] Man, what am I going to call you? Hm… [looks at a pile of rocks] Rocks…rock…oh! Your name is Pebbles!

13-Jetrax T6

Eljay: Are you sick and tired of the boring, generic blue Jetrax? [holds up the yellow Jetrax T6] Introducing the lemon-flavored yellow Jetrax! What’s new? Nothing!

14-Axalara T9

Lewa: Axalara? I would’ve remembered you. Why is your name Axalara? There are no axes anywhere on you.

Axonn: [places his hand on the Axalara] Oh, yeah. I remember the day I named you.

15-Klakk

Eljay: [being hounded by a dog] Get off me, foul creature infected by shadow! Time to use the Klakk! [holds up Klakk and brings him toward the dog; the dog calms down] Oh hey, it really does work.

16-Bionicle 2008

Mata Nui: [trapped inside the Mask of Life] I will return…despite my lack of arms and legs! Ah… [lands on Bara Magna] Oof!

Eljay: [standing over the Mask of Life] Oh hey there Mata Nui. What are you doing here on Bara Magna? Here to RUIN 2009?

17-The Ignition Trilogy (2006-2008)

[the camera pans from the Calix, to the Arthron, to the swamp adapted Hau Nuva]

18-Bionicle Pens

Eljay: [scoffs] Ha! Bionicle pens? Who would even use one of those?

[Greg Farshtey shrugs]

[thewimpykid]

2009

1-The Agori

Takua: Hi. I’m a Matoran.

Berix: And I’m an Agori.

Takua: I’m biomechanical, and that makes me strong.

Berix: Oh yeah? Well, I helped you build your home!

Takua: Well…I can become a Toa!

Berix: My love is canon.

Takua: Darn it.

2-Skrall

[Skrall is walking by Gresh]

Gresh: I wish I had a shield like the Skrall. Mine has holes in it.

3-Malum

Raanu: Malum, since it doesn’t seem like you have hands like us civilized folk, how will you be using the Thornax Launcher in combat?

Malum: By using my shoulder hand, of course.

Raanu: I want a new Glatorian.

4-Gresh

Gresh: I can do this. I can look cool while posing with my shield. [adjusts his hand] Just…a little…bit…more! [his hand cracks and goes all the way back] OOOOWWWWW!!!

5-Tarix

Gresh: Tarix, why do you have a tube when you’re not underwater?

Tarix: Because we live in the desert, and any way I can look like I’m from the Water Tribe, I’ll take it.

[jump cut to Tarix writhing on the ground and gasping]

Tarix: Water! Water… [dies]

6-Strakk

[Strakk is dueling Ackar]

Metus: Get him, Strakk! [echoing in Strakk’s mind] Get him, Strakk!

Strakk: That is…just what I needed! [defeats Ackar]

Raanu: And so, Strakk is the winner!

7-Vorox

Vorox: [crouching ready to pounce] Beware my stinger tail!

Gresh: Stinger tail? Beware my stinger gun! [brandishes Thornax Launcher]

8-Fero And Skirmix

Fero: [holding a stick] Alright boy, get the stick! [throws the stick]

[Skirmix runs after the stick; he then finds a jaw bone and brings it back to Fero]

Fero: Why would you bring this back? We’re called Stick Hunters, you dork.

9-Tuma

Tuma: I am the mighty Tuma-ow, my back!

10-Stronius

[a Before/After chart is shown, with Skrall being under Before and Stronius under After]

Eljay: This Skrall got ripped in three weeks! Doctors hate him! Keep watching to learn how he did it!

11-Ackar

Gresh: Ackar! Look out!

Ackar: What?

Gresh: Look out, a car!

Ackar: There’s nothing out here- [gets ran over by a car]

12-Vastus

Eljay: [wearing an Indiana Jones hat] Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?

Vastus: I don’t know, why did you have to be ugly?

[Eljay shamefully takes his hat off]

Vastus: Yeah, that’s right. Words hurt, buddy.

13-Kiina

Kiina: But Mata Nui, I think I love you!

Mata Nui: [tilts head] What’s that?

14-Gelu

Metus: With my shield, I guess you really could say that I’m a special snowflake.

Gelu: Dude! Aw, yeah! Check out these awesome snowflake shoulder armor pieces! They’re so awesome! Glad I picked these up at the dollar store!

Metus: I think I’m gonna go make an alliance with the Skrall.

15-Mata Nui

Mata Nui: Excellent. I, Mata Convenient-Timing Nui, have landed.

16-Cendox V1

Crotesius: [riding the Cendox V1] Alright, with my Cendox V1, I can totally win this battle!

[Sconodius and Kirbraz ride up on the Kaxium V3; it splits into two motorcycles; Perditus drives up in the Thornatus V9; it opens into attack mode; Telluris rides in on the Skopio XV-1]

Crotesius: Alright, with my Cendox V1, I can drive home and cry in defeat. [leaves]

17-Kaxium V3

Kirbraz: Alright, it’s time for our ultimate move. Detach!

[the Kaxium V3 splits in two]

18-Baranus V7

Sahmad: Alright, my noble steed. Onward to victory! Move, mighty Spikit!

[the Baranus chariot is chained to a water spigot]

19-Thornatus V9

Perditus: [sitting in the Thornatus V9] Check out my sweet new ride. Isn’t it awesome?

Kiina: Oh yeah, it’s really cool.

Eljay: Kiina! Come over here!

Perditus: Hey wait-don’t leave!

[the camera pans up to show a pair of scissors with Greg Farshtey’s face taped to them; the scissors snap as they approach Perditus]

Perditus: Wait, what? What was that? Wait, no!

[the screen fades to black as a crashing noise is heard; the Thornatus V9 is then shown without a driver]

Gresh: Hello? Anyone over here? [sees the empty Thornatus V9] Oh hey. Sweet Ride.

20-Skopio XV-1

Telluris: [checking the Skopio XV-1] It’s perfect. I shall call you…Skopio, since that will never get confusing.

Skull Scorpio: I agree!

Ketar: I am a scorpion, too!

Pohatu: [facepalming] Oh, great.

21-Toa Mata Nui

Mata Nui: Tuma, if you don’t stop picking on me, I’m calling my big brother.

Tuma: Big brother? You’ve got to be kidding me.

[Toa Mata Nui stomps up beside Mata Nui]

Toa Mata Nui: I heard you were picking on my little brother.

Tuma: You have got to be kidding me.

22-Click

Eljay: Okay. [picks up Klakk] Klakk… [picks up Click] Click. Click…Klakk. Click-Klakk! [laughs] That’s really funny, Lego! Really is! IT’S REALLY FUNNY!

23-Bionicle 2009

Mata Nui: [standing alongside Ackar, Kiina, and Gresh] Our adventure has just begun. [his cell phone rings] Oh-hang on. I’m getting a call from Lego. [answers his phone] Hello? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Okay. Thank you. Goodbye. [hangs up] So, our adventure has just ended. Let’s go home, everyone. Bionicle just got cancelled.

[thewimpykid]

2010

1-Tahu

Tahu: This is the greatest fight of our lives. So we must be at full strength. I sure hope that no Mask of Life reverts me back to my original state and causes me to be unable to move my knees and elbows.

[“moments later” flashes across the screen]

Tahu: [now in his Stars form] I don’t even have a gear function. What did I do to deserve this?

2-Gresh

Takanuva: Are you a Toa?

Gresh: No. But I’m green and can control air.

Takanuva: Perfect! Our longtime green friend that controls air is missing. So you can replace him! Let’s go!

Gresh: Yippee!

3-Takanuva

Takanuva: We’re on an alien battlefield where I need to lay low as much as possible. Time to switch out this dull gold… [ducks out of frame and comes back up in his Stars form] for bright and shiny silver!

4-Skrall

Skrall: Perfect! My Tuma costume is ready just in time!

5-Piraka

[Piraka is fighting Tahu]

Tahu: You know, most Skakdi I see are grinning from ear to ear. So what’s with the scowl?

Piraka: It takes 22 muscles to smile. But it takes 37 to frown. I’m just getting a workout.

6-Rahkshi

[Rahkshi is standing on an open field and being watched by Tahu]

Tahu: Aw man, Rahkshi of heat vision? That’s so cool. I wish I had heat vision. [turns to see the Golden Armor pieces on the ground] Ooh, look! Golden armor! I wonder what this will do.

7-Bionicle 2010

Tahu: Gathered friends, we have won. Now it is time to move forward, for our tale has come to an end. And by “end,” I mean three story serials, of which only one will end up getting finished.

8-Bionicle 2001-2010 (Finale)

Eljay: [looking over his Recap Review videos] After all these years, I’ve finished reviewing every canon Generation 1 Bionicle set. I’ve collected cool memorabilia, such as pens and hats. And now, I must come up with the perfect joke that every Bionicle fan will understand. [thinks for a moment] Perfect.

[a Microsoft Word document with the title “Bionicle Generation 2” is shown]

9-Epilogue

[Eljay is shown fastening his ■■■■■’s buttons while walking]

Good Guy: Oh God! No, please! Don’t do this! I’m too loveable to die!

[Eljay picks up Good Guy]

Good Guy: Please, noo!

[Eljay holds Good Guy over a fire and slowly throws him in; Good Guy is shown burning; Eljay leaves]

Well, I’m done with the Recap Reviews. Next, I’m gonna start transcribing the Recent Reviews, of the widely hated G2…

[thewimpykid]

Now to start off the Recent Reviews, with the 2015 sets.

2015

1-Protector Of Jungle

Vizuna: [feeling his sensor tail vibrating] Oh no. Hey! You might not wanna stand there!

[Nuparu is ran over by Eljay’s ATV]

2-Lewa-Master Of Jungle

Lewa: [falling] Aaaahhhhh!!! [lands on the ground] Ow. That…stupid fog. Gah! My neck! I can’t move my neck!

3-Protector Of Water

Korgot: Hey, have you ever tried to use those to fly?

Kivoda: Well…

[fades into a flashback; Kivoda activates his water turbines and flies upward; however, he crashes into a wall and falls to the ground]

4-Gali-Master Of Water

Onua: Which of you can lift my hammer?

[Pohatu, Tahu, Kopaka, and Lewa all take turns trying to lift the hammer]

Lewa: Oh, c’mon, c’mon, c’mon, c’mon! Oh, c’mon!

[Gali approaches the hammer and successfully lifts it]

Onua: How are you used to lifting such a heavy weapon?

[Gali turns to look at her oversized trident]

5-Protector Of Stone

Korgot: Hey, mind if I check out that stone?

Nilkuu: No.

Korgot: But…but…

Nilkuu: No.

6-Pohatu-Master Of Stone

Pohatu: Ah, Gali. I love me some boomerangs.

[one of Pohatu’s boomerangs flies in and knocks him over]

7-Protector Of Fire

Narmoto: [falls onto his back with only his arm stumps] Oh! My arms!

[a dog regurgitates Narmoto’s hands]

Narmoto: Eh. Close enough.

8-Tahu-Master Of Fire

Tahu: Welcome. You likely already know me as I go by many names. Omega, Cool, Overpriced, but-there is a name I’m sure we can all agree on-Tahu, Master of Fi-

[Eljay turns off a light switch, powering off the electric fireplace behind Tahu]

Tahu: Wait. What do you mean, I can’t use my powers until I get my gold mask? I’m Tahu, Master of Fire, not background stoves! Gosh dang marketing.

9-Protector Of Earth

Vizuna: Hey. How’s the recoil on that cannon?

Korgot: Pretty good.

10-Onua-Master Of Earth

Onua: [flexing in a mirror] Oh yeah. Muscles, yeah!

Pohatu Mata: You know, Onua, you look like a football player now that you got that upgrade. We should play some Kolhi.

Onua: Okay.

[Onua and Pohatu Mata stand opposite each other with a Kolhi ball in between them]

Onua: [grunting as he tries to bend down] Darn you, CCBS muscles!

11-Protector Of Ice

Izotor: [pops up into frame] Wha-wha-wha-wha… [realizes there is no ice] What the heck am I supposed to protect now?

12-Kopaka-Master Of Ice

Eljay: And here we have Kopaka and Pohatu, two actors just relaxing after a long, hard shoot of Recent Reviews. Now that we’ve had Pohatu’s personality change in Generation 2, do you think they’ll ever have a conversation? Long and short answer: no.

13-Lord Of Skull Spiders

[“Warning Bionicle Spoilers Ahead! 0:47 To Avoid!” flashes across the screen]

Eljay: [reading from a Bionicle comic book] Hey guys. Do you remember that beat-down at Losgot at the end of Episode 8? The Bionicle web series?

[Lewa, Kopaka, and Tahu all beat up on the Lord of Skull Spiders; the Lord of Skull Spiders lands on a portion of the stone tower that breaks off and falls away]

Eljay: Wonder if that had been any different if he had been any kind of animal other than a spider. Like…what if he had been…the Lord of Dog Spiders!

[a plethora of Skull Spiders are shown surrounding a dog, with the Lord of Skull Spiders on the dog’s back]

Eljay: Not only did I contradict myself, that doesn’t work either. Back to the drawing board.

14-Bionicle 2015 Winter Wave

[Eljay is walking into the store; he comes across a shelf full of Bionicle sets; the Bionicle sets are warming the shelves]

Eljay: Nah, I don’t need this skit to be funny for this. This explains itself.

15-Skull Warrior

Eljay: [balancing an apple on top of his head} Skull Warrior, are you sure this is a good idea?

Skull Warrior: Of course I am. I saw a video about it!

[cuts to flashback of Skull Warrior watching a clip from The Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King; the clip depicts Legolas climbing onto and shooting at a Mumakil]

Legolas: Get three. [shoots an orc] Get four! [shoots another orc]

16-Skull Slicer

Skull Slicer: Darn it! Four arms and only one usable hand! Agh!

Eljay: [holding a sword with both hands attached to said sword] Hey! Stop whining! [grunts while trying to pull his hands off, then sighs]

17-Skull Basher

Onua: Oh boy. I’m so glad I bought this great new china. It’s gonna go right along with all the other pieces of the set. Oh boy. I hope there isn’t any bulls around here. Don’t wanna end up with a bull in a china shop. Remember that old saying? Oh, I’d better be careful.

Skull Basher: Hm, quite-quite, old shop. Oh, maybe we can go take it to my house, and we’ll have a delicious dinner with some brilliant tea, huh? For what? Sound good?

18-Skull Scorpio

Skull Scorpio: I can’t believe they moved their legs in the past!

Nui-Jaga: I can’t believe they moved their arms in the past!

Pohatu: Oh boy.

19-Mask Maker Vs. Skull Grinder

[all six Protectors are standing around a dying Ekimu, who is unmasked]

Ekimu: Ah, ah, prophecy! Uh…timeless heroes! [dies]

Vizuna: I can’t believe he’s dead.

Narmoto: He is not dead. He is merely in an endless sleep!

Kivoda: Endless sleep? Give-give me a second, I got this. [pours water on Ekimu]

Ekimu: [rises and gasps for breath] Oh, Protectors, great Protectors! You have awakened me! You heard my whispers and fulfilled the prophecy of heroes!

Kivoda: Oh, yeah, yeah, the Toa were great, you really should’ve been here and met them. Alright, so, uh, let’s go home!

[“And they all lived happily ever after” flashes across the screen]

20-Bionicle 2015 Summer Wave

[all the Skull villains are gathered together]

Skull Slicer: Do you guys know how Kulta gets so strong?

Skull Warrior: Yeah. He drinks a lot of milk. It builds strong…character!

Kulta: [holding a glass of milk] Ah, I feel like solving world hunger today.

21-Bionicle 2015

Tahu 2015: Can’t you see that I’m the best Tahu?

Tahu Mata: No! I’m the best Tahu!

Tahu Mistika: Amateurs.

[thewimpykid]

After a much too long delay, here’s the 2016 transcripts.

2016

1-Gali and Akida

[Gali is staring out a window]

Lewa: Hey Gali. I’m really sorry to hear about your pet fish.

Gali: I don’t understand. I fed it, gave it lots of attention, took it out of its tank, wore it on my back, strapped large cannons to it, and used it as a hat. Where did I go wrong?

[Lewa is gone]

Gali: Wait, what? Where’d you go?

2-Pohatu and Ketar

Pohatu: I hate scorpions. Now I gotta bring back this one to unite. Granted, the others never did say I needed to bring back a live scorpion… [picks up a dead Ketar] Well, that was easy!

3-Lewa and Uxar

Lewa: [with Uxar on his back] Now that I have actual wings, I can fly forever!

[“5 minutes later” flashes across the screen]

Lewa: What do you mean, “tired after five minutes?” My weapons didn’t get tired!

4-Tahu and Ikir

Tahu: [with Ikir on his back] Yes. Polly does want a cracker!

5-Onua and Terak

Onua: [laughs like an idiot while hammering his weapon into the ground] You were right, Terak. This game of Whack-A-Mole is a lot of fun! [continues laughing and hammering; stops abruptly when he hits Terak] Terak! Oh no, Terak, no!

6-Kopaka and Melum

Kopaka: This tiny thing is my shield. Whatever happened to my large shield from last year? What do you mean, “budget cuts?”

7-Umarak the Hunter

Umarak: G’day, mates! I’m Umarak, the Okoto creature hunter! And today, we’re on lookout for elemental creatures. Why, you may ask? Well, certainly not for preservation, that’s for sure! Ha, ha. No, I’m hunting these creatures so I can strap them to my backs and hallucinate. It’s gonna be a good time! [pops out of frame]

8-Bionicle 2016 Winter Wave

[2015 Lewa is shown]

Eljay: Is your armor flat and boring? Are you unhappy with consistency? Then have we got the product for you.

[2016 Lewa is shown]

Eljay: Introducing…greebles. Complex and complicated bumps and pistons!

Tahu: Before greebles, I had no abs, no neck, and no friends. [upgrades to greebles] But after greebles, I’ve got complicated-looking armor, an awesome neck, and tons of gold!

Eljay: Go out and grab your visual inconsistency today with greebles. Buy it now!

9-Ekimu The Mask Maker

Ekimu: I am Takanuva, Toa of Light. [looks off-camera] Wait, what do you mean, “wrong line?”

10-Lava Beast

Eljay: There. Burgers are ready. Hup-gotta put some salt over the shoulder and blind the devil! Aha. [throws salt over his shoulder] Alright.

Lava Beast: [grabbing at his eyes] Nnnnngggghhhhhhh!!!

11-Storm Beast

[Eljay is crawling on his hands and knees in Po-Koro]

Eljay: It’s too hot! Storm Beast, where are you? [faints]

[Storm Beast is relaxing with sunglasses and a glass of lemonade on a beach chair]

12-Quake Beast

[Eljay is strolling when he suddenly feels a tremor]

Eljay: What-what-ah! [looks down] Quake Beast! Did you do that?

Quake Beast: I didn’t do that. We live in California.

[Eljay and Quake Beast both scream while running aimlessly in fear]

13-Umarak the Destroyer

Umarak: Alright. Now, with this exercise equipment, I will become large, and strong, and buff, to finally defeat the Toa. [grunts while trying to lift weights] Okay, screw this, I’m just gonna turn to mask drugs. [rises in his new form] Yes! It worked!

14-Bionicle 2016 Summer Wave

Eljay: This is my cat. His name is Beastie. [puts Storm Beast’s mask on Beastie’s head] Now he is Storm Beastie. [the mask falls off] Okay, or maybe not. [tries to put Lava Beast’s mask on Beastie] Now he’s Lava- [Beastie raises his head] Gosh dang it. [puts Lava Beast’s mask on Beastie’s head] He’s Lava Beastie. [the mask falls off] And finally, his ultimate form- [puts Quake Beast’s mask on Beastie] This was stupid.

15-Generation 2 Collectibles

Speeder: Hi. My name is Speeder, and I’m a caffeine-a-holic.

[the camera pans over to Eljay]

Eljay: Uh, my name’s Eljay. And I am a mask-a-holic. [slathers his face with mask collectible bags]

16-Journey To One Makuta

Makuta: Ha, ha, ha. I, Makuta, leader of the Shadow Horde, am finally free!

Eljay: Oh, Makuta. That’s not what you are.

Makuta: Huh?

Eljay: Yeah. You’re cancelled. [kicks Makuta]

17-Ekimu Falcon

Gali: So you’re the creature of light.

[“No, just an old Hawk, here to help” flashes across the screen as translation for the Ekimu Falcon’s screeches]

18-Bionicle 2016

Eljay: Hey everyone. Here I am, showing you my 2016 Bionicle collection. As we can see here, it’s a, you know, fairly standard, and-uh-oh what’s this? Oh yeah, this is the place where I put my Makuta set. You know-IF WE EVER GOT ONE!

19-Bionicle 2015-2016

Eljay: Finally, after all these delays, I have reviewed every canon Generation 2 Bionicle set. I’ve even collected cool memorabilia, such as posters and shirts! And now, I must come up with the perfect joke that every Bionicle fan will understand. [thinks for a minute] Perfect.

[a shot of Eljay’s computer screen, a Microsoft Word document titled “Bionicle Generation 2,” is shown]

[thewimpykid]

Now to start the Retired Reviews. I don’t know how long it’ll take for me to get all these done, but here’s the 2005 ones to start with.

Bionicle Playsets-2005

1-Visorak’s Gate

Eljay: Introducing…Visorak’s Gate. Bigger. Badder.

Visorak’s Gate: [to Nuju] Hey Toa, you are ugly.

Nuju: You’re mean!

Eljay: And…bolder. [throws boulders at the Visorak’s Gate]

2-Visorak Battle Ram

Eljay: [tries to open a locked door] Gosh dang it, not again! It keeps on getting stuck, and I can’t get in. [holds up the Visorak Battle Ram] But I brought my trusty battering ram. K. Let’s try this. [bangs the Battle Ram against the door three times; this weakens the door, allowing Eljay to open it] Perfect. Works like a charm.

3-Tower Of Toa

Eljay: [holding the set’s instruction manual] Who in the world has a giant tower with their face plastered all over it? I mean, who in the world has that kind of an ego? I mean, seriously, Dume, come on!

[Eljay puts down the instruction manual and sees that he has a picture of himself, along with wooden letters spelling out his name, hanging on the wall]

4-Battle Of Metru Nui

Matau: Hey, Onewa.

Onewa: Yeah?

Matau: Have you ever heard of the curse of Lhikan’s Hau?

[Onewa stares]

Matau: They say that anyone that touches or interacts in any way with the Hau worn by Toa Lhikan will suffer a grim and gruesome fate.

Onewa: Well, in that case, let me ask you a question, Matau.

[the camera zooms out, showing that Matau and Onewa are standing in front of the Metru Nui gateway]

Onewa: Why in the world did we make the entrance to the Coliseum a giant Lhikan Hau?

5-Bionicle Playsets 2005

[the camera shows a normal Lego minifigure]

Eljay: The minifigure. A design crafted for perfection, through the trials of innovation, with a modest seven points of articulation. The minifigure replicates the human experience in a Lego form. And now, new from Lego Bionicle, the Bionicle minifigure.

[the Vakama minifigure is shown as a farting noise is heard; the camera pans up to show the normal minifigure with a frightened expression]

[thewimpykid]

Here we go with the 2006 playsets.

1-Piraka Outpost

Nektann: Father?

Fenrakk: Son!

Eljay: [swinging a sword] Die!

2-Lava Chamber Gate

Nuparu: Hey Hewkii! We’re gonna go surfing! C’mon, man!

Hewkii: Ya, sure thing, bro! Let me get my surfboard! [grunts while trying to lift his heavy surfboard that has a Zamor Sphere launcher attached to it]

3-Race For The Mask Of Life

Eljay: [holding the set’s box] Oh man, I’ve finally got my hands on this one! This is really cool. What-what-what’s that say? Exclusive lava surfing vehicles? [gasps] It-doesn’t say that it doesn’t work on lava! Not like all those other stupid Lego boats that apparently don’t float! Guess this means I gotta put this to the test! [walks out the door] Mom, I’m going to Hawaii!

4-Piraka & Catapult and Give Away

[a shot of the Good Guy/Bad Guys sets is shown]

Eljay: Are you a fan of Bionicle promos? Maybe you’re a Good Guy fan! Maybe you love those sick masks! Well, in 2006, be prepared for…three guys and a rock!

5-Piraka Stronghold

TV Commercial: The Toa put the fortress under fire and storm the gate! But they’ve forgot one thing: it’s…alive!

Eljay: [looks at the screen quizzically] Hey Piraka Stronghold! Um-are you alive?

Piraka Stronghold: No.

Eljay: Oh. Okay. Thanks. Cool. [slaps thigh] What the-

6-Bionicle Playsets 2006

Eljay: Alright. We need a way to show consumers that these new Bionicle sets are…Bionicle.

Corporate Executive: Hm…why not put “Bionicle” on the box?

Eljay: Nah, nah.

Corporate Executive: Maybe take the two masks from the Titans and dump them all over the playsets?

Eljay: Oh my goodness, you’re a genius! But won’t they notice?

Corporate Executive: We’ll just distract them with the Piraka Rap.

Eljay: Hit it.

[thewimpykid]

Now for the 2007 playset reviews.

1-Barraki Deepsea Patrol

Beatles Band Member: C’mon, fellow Beatles. Let’s make our way to our yellow submarine! [turns around and sees that the yellow submarine is missing from its display stand] What? Our yellow submarine isn’t here! Where could it have gone?

Hewkii: [driving the yellow submarine] Heh. This yellow submarine is way better than that blue thingamajig I had before. Second, heh heh heh.

2-Toa Undersea Attack

Pridak: Hurry! The Toa Mahri are getting away with the Mask of Life! Quick! Get on your Rahi steeds! We must make haste!

Takadox: C’mon, c’mon, move! Oh, why’d I pick the one Rahi without articulated joints?

3-Toa Terrain Crawler

Hewkii: Hey Hahli! We found this crazy Rahi that’s outfitted with all these Cordak blasters and arms and robotics! We’re gonna use it to ride down the cord to beat the Barraki! Let’s go!

Hahli: Hewkii, I don’t believe that we should be using Rahi to aid us in our fight against the Barraki. It’s not right.

Hewkii: Oh, uh, sorry. We thought you’d be super stoked, because it looked exactly like you, like it’s wearing a giant Faxon.

Hahli: Looks just…like me? Giant Faxon…get in!

[the Toa Terrain Crawler speeds down the cord]

Intercom: Deep sea descent in progress.

4-Bionicle Playsets 2007

[Pridak, Kalmah, Takadox, Mantax, and Ehlek are all gathered, in their minifigure forms]

Pridak: Thank you for gathering today. I’m glad we could all make it- [looks around] Wait. We’re missing someone.

Carapar: Uh, hello? Uh, hello? Where is everyone? Oh! Hey Tren Krom!

[Carapar is vaporized]

5-Bionicle Playsets 2005-2007

[“Face Me” plays as the camera pans across the 2005 playsets; when the camera pans over the 2006 playsets, “Face Me” plays again; when the camera reaches the 2007 playsets, “Face Me” plays again]

Whew, there we go. Now I just gotta get around to the Slizers/Throwbots reviews.

[thewimpykid]

Finally, the Retired Reviews for the Slizers/Throwbots.

1-Torch

Eljay: Oh man, it’s so dark out here. Well, good thing I brought my torch. [holds up Torch]

2-Ski

Ski: Now that summer is over, I can now go skiing down the snowy slopes. Oh, wait [sees the hills covered in leaves] I forgot it’s still fall.

3-Turbo

Eljay: Good afternoon. Do you know why I pulled you over?

[Turbo is parked on the side of the road]

4-Scuba

[Eljay is holding Scuba under a running tap with a washcloth placed on Scuba’s face]

Eljay: C’mon, tell me what we wanna know! Give up the information! C’mon! Why isn’t this working? [throws the washcloth off Scuba] Oh. That just figures. [throws Scuba into the sink]

5-Jet

[a model of a military jet is shown]

Eljay: When I think of “jet,” this is generally what I’m thinking about. You know, this is a jet. No propellers, it’s got twin engines, and a bunch of gas tanks, and what have you. So…can anyone tell me- [holds up Jet] -what was Lego thinking when they named this thing “Jet?”

6-Amazon

Eljay: [holding Amazon] Did you know that this set was so popular in 1999, that they named an entire website after it?

[the Amazon logo is shown]

7-Granite

[Ketar is thrown to the ground]

Ketar: Ow! What-what are you?

Granite: I’m you, but better.

8-Electro

Eljay: [wearing a Spider-Man mask] Well, well, well, if it isn’t my old archnemesis, Electro.

[the camera zooms in on Electro]

9-Millennium Slizer

Eljay: Ah, I’m really excited to review this next Slizer. Although, I-I don’t remember what it’s called. Millennium-something. Millennium…

[the camera pans up to show a Lego Millennium Falcon]

Eljay: Oh, gosh dang it, not again-

10-Flare

[Eljay is sitting in his truck’s driver’s seat; his car has broken down]

Eljay: Oh, dang it! Truck stopped on the side of the road. [sighs] Better let people know I’m here. [holds up Flare] Good thing I brought a flare! [gets out of his truck]

11-Spark

Eljay: [gets into his truck’s driver’s seat] Well, no wonder the truck won’t start, heh. [holds up Spark] Spark plugs are bad. [tosses Spark aside]

12-Blaster

[a couple of NERF guns are shown]

Eljay: Hey everyone. As you might have noticed throughout several videos I’ve been in, I have quite an extensive collection of blasters on my back wall. They all do all sorts of things. [points at a NERF gun] Some of them snipe, [points at another one] some of them are automatic, [points to Blaster] and some throw disks.

13-Slizers/Throwbots 1999-2000

Eljay: When I was a young boy, my parents were killed in an alleyway, and I was bitten by a radioactive throwbot. Now I fight crime in the rural streets of Idaho. Who am I, you might ask? I am… [jumps out wearing every Slizer storage container on his belt and bandolier] Slizer-Man! And my powers? [throws the containers in a garbage can] Throwing this theme in the trash.

Whew, that’s the last of them. You might be wondering if I’m gonna transcribe the Random Reviews or the Remixed Reviews. Well, the thing is, I only want to do transcripts for series that are actually finished. Eljay hasn’t even reached the halfway point for his Remixed Reviews. He has said that each new review will come out every month of this year, with each year of Bionicle combination/alternate models getting an episode. And there are seven more reviews to go, so…yeah.

And the Random Reviews…well, they’re called Random for a reason. They’re just Eljay reviewing whatever. It can never be said that those are “finished,” so I don’t know how I’d feel about doing that series. But, I mean, if you guys want me to do it, then I’ll do it. And I can post transcripts of the Remixed Reviews that have been released so far, if you like.

[thewimpykid]

After some consideration, I decided to go ahead and post transcripts of @Eljay 's Random Review skits that have been released so far. So here you go.

1-Sand Tarakava (replica)

Pohatu: G’day, mates, Pohatu here. Today on Rahi Hunter, we’re looking for the dangerous Tarakava. [turns to see a blue Tarakava and a sand green Tarakava] These seafaring creatures love to just lurk in the water, waiting for prey to go overhead. And then they strike! But today, we’re looking to see if we can find some in their natural habitat. Let’s go!

[Pohatu approaches the Tarakava]

Pohatu: Alright, crikey. We found some Tarakava. We can see these two over here. We’re just going to wait and wait. Looks like they’re gonna just standing there like statues. Alright, well, we’d better not get too close, otherwise it may end badly for us. So let’s go ahead and get out of here. [leaves] Alright, guys, that’s a wrap, let’s go ahead and get on out of here. And- [notices something to his right] Aw, heck.

[a sand Tarakava is seen looming over Pohatu]

Pohatu: What in tarnation? No one ever told me there were three! I thought they only had two of them! So stay calm, everybody! Stay calm!

2-Bionicle Power Pack (unopened)

[Narmoto is shooting at the Skull Spiders while Tahu jumps off the edge of the bridge and surfs down the lava]

Tahu: Yah! I…can…feel…the POWER!

[Tahu surfs to the center of the lava pool, where the Bionicle Power Pack is sitting on a stone island; Narmoto turns around to see Tahu grab the power pack]

3-Chameleon Hunter from Exo-Force

Eljay: Good day, everyone, welcome. Today I’m looking for the Chameleon Hunter, a mech known to be in forested areas just like this one. [gestures at the tree he’s standing next to] Now, you can see I’ve found him right here- [sees that the Chameleon Hunter isn’t where he’s indicating and slaps his thigh in disappointment] Great. It was here just a minute ago, I swear. Now I gotta go find another one.

[fade into a shot where the Chameleon Hunter is peeking out through the tree’s branches]

4-Platinum Avohkii and RSG Noble Avohkii

Two men: Bonk review!

5-2002 Inflatable Nuva Cube (Lego Bionicle Employee Promo

Eljay: [holding the Nuva Cube] Hey bro, did you see this? [throws the Nuva Cube]

Bro: [grabs the Nuva Cube] Aw, that’s pretty cool. I didn’t know they made promo materials for the 2016 sets. Nice!

Eljay: 2016? That’s from 2002, those are the-tha Nuva symbols from ‘02.

Bro: No, these are the symbols from 2016, right? Yeah, now let’s be honest, G2 was my favorite part of Bionicle. [throws the Nuva Cube back to Eljay]

Eljay: [catches the Nuva Cube and inhales deeply]

[cut to a shot of Eljay digging a grave for Bro while Bro lies dead in the foreground]

6-Nick Bluetooth (unopened)

Person 1: [playing with Galidor toys] This is the end for you, Gore! Oh, is it? Your ippities never told you what happened to your father. He told me enough! He told me you killed him! No. You are your father! Wait, what?

Person 2: [comes out from behind the curtain] Pat, your patent’s gonna fight for this!

Person 1: [tries to hide his Galidor toys] Knock next time! What did you see?

Person 2: I didn’t see anything, Pat. I didn’t see you playing with your dolls again.

Person 1: They’re not dolls, they’re ACTION FIGURES!

Person 2: Yes, Pat.

7-April Fool’s 2020

Eljay: Ah, what a beautiful start to the day, and a beautiful start to this new month. So I guess my question for all of you is, [holds up the green brick-built Hau] Hau are you doing? [laughs]

So yeah. There you are. I have transcribed the skits for the Remixed Reviews that have been released thus far, but I’m gonna wait till the Remixed Reviews are finished before I post the skit transcripts on here. And if any more Random Reviews are uploaded…well, then I’ll add those, too.

[Atobe_Brick]

TTV has already made gag reel videos for all of g1 and g2.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JFweddOsPJs&t=1s

[thewimpykid]

It’s great that they have compilations of the skits. But there’s just something fun about having written-out transcripts.

[thewimpykid]

Originally, I was going to wait until @Eljay had finished with the Remixed Reviews before posting transcripts of the intro skits from those reviews. But we are nearing the end of November, and for some reason, there isn’t a Remixed Review for the 2015 sets. It could be because most of the “combination models” in 2015/2016 were the Toa’s power-ups where they combined with the Protectors and Creatures. Eljay covered all of those in his Recent Reviews. But I don’t know for sure.

Nonetheless, I decided to just go ahead and post transcripts for the first ten Remixed Reviews, just because. So here you go:

1-2001

Eljay: Welcome to another TTV Top Ten. Today we’re looking over the top ten combo models. We’ll be focusing on ones utilizing…[the two Matoran Kaita are shown] three sets, [Turaga Kaita Gamma is shown] four sets, [Toa Kaita Wairuha is shown] six sets, [the Fikuo spider is shown] and liars.

2-2002

Eljay: [washing Nuhvok in the sink] Clean it all…it must be cleaned…clean it all…it must be cleaned…clean them all…they must be cleaned…

3-2003

Takanuva: Let’s take a closer look behind that mask! Ha!

[Takanuva jumps at Makuta]

Makuta: Don’t!

Takanuva: Give me the mask!

Makuta: Get off of me!

Takanuva: Gi-give me the mask! [pulls off Makuta’s mask] Haha, got it! Wha-wait. What?

[Makuta is now wearing the Movie Edition Kraakhan]

Takanuva: Why are you still wearing a mask? No, wait-why are you still wearing the same mask?

Makuta: I don’t know what you’re talking about. This is a completely different mask that looks super different and completely justifies being Special Edition.

4-2004

Matau: Ha ha, my wings are awesome!

Dume: [astride Nivawk] Oh, you believe that your wings are so cool? Then I suggest you gaze upon the majestic wingspan of my Nivawk!

Ultimate Dume: Amateurs.

5-2005

Shadowed One: Oh, Voporak, we’re running low on Masks Of Time. Would you please go to the Vahi Store to get more?

Voporak: No can do, boss. Just checked-they’re running low.

Shadowed One: Oh, are they? So you’re saying that they’re…

[Simple Plan’s “Running Out Of Time” plays while the Shadowed One nods his head to the music]

Pierre Bouvier: [singing] Running out of time, running out of time!

6-2006

Eljay: And now, unveiling for the first time, the winner of the Botar’s Replacement Canonization Contest. Behold…

[Botar rises into frame]

Eljay: Botar’s replacement.

7-2007

Eljay: [holding a Krana] We have done it! We, the Great Beings, have created life! We shall call you…Kranohi, Kra-Krana-Kra-Krana, yes! Right. Now then, on to make more like. I’m thinking something called, uh, Ma-Ma-Mathoran, yes! Okay, the name’s work in progress. Hm. What do we have left over from this process?

[the camera pans down to show Zyglak]

Eljay: Oh. Okay, let’s try this. I want to make something super friendly, super peaceful, and super fun to hang around with. Something that will love us. Like parents. Let’s get to work.

8-2008

Eljay: Hey everyone. Welcome to another review. Today I’m doing something a little different. I’m actually gonna review one of my own custom Bionicle combo models. So this one comprises Tahu Mistika, Antroz from the Jetrax, and Solek. So without further ado, behold!

[the camera pans up to reveal a pile of broken Bionicle pieces]

Eljay: So, as you can see, it’s just about the same quality as the normal Solek set!

9-2009

[a ringtone is heard]

Dispatcher: [speaking as the words are shown on screen] Bara Magna 911, please state the nature of your crisis.

Caller: [speaking as the words are shown on screen] Yeah, um, I-I think something is stalking me.

Dispatcher: [speaking as the words are shown on screen] Okay, can you please tell me your location?

Caller: [speaking as the words are shown on screen] Uh, I’m in the desert.

Dispatcher: [speaking as the words are shown on screen] You’re in the desert?

Caller: [speaking as the words are shown on screen] Yeah, yeah, I-I’m in the desert.

Dispatcher: [speaking as the words are shown on screen] Okay, uh, can you give me a description of who is stalking you?

Caller: [speaking as the words are shown on screen] Yeah, uh, it-it’s a red…a and orange. And, uh, and i-it’s on four-it’s on four legs. And it’s got jaws.

Dispatcher: [speaking as the words are shown on screen] So what’s stalking you…it…what’s stalking you is a creature?

Caller: [speaking as the words are shown on screen] Yeah, yeah, mhm, yeah.

Dispatcher: [speaking as the words are shown on screen] Alright, I think I’ve got a pin on your location. Can you tell me what you look like so I can tell my responding Glatorian?

Caller: [speaking as the words are shown on screen] Yeah, umm…I’m a grain of sand.

Dispatcher: [speaking as the words are shown on screen] Ah, I’m sorry, what was that?

Caller: [speaking as the words are shown on screen] I-I’m a grain of sand?

Dispatcher: [speaking as the words are shown on screen] Okay, sir, this is an emergency line, we really can’t have you wasting our resources and our time like this. Goodbye.

Caller: [speaking as the words are shown on screen] Wait, wait, no no no no no, it’s not a pran-

[the dispatcher hangs up the phone]

Caller: -speaking as the words are shown on screen] Oh no…it’s coming this way…oh no…oh gosh, oh no, NOOOOOOO-

10-2010

[Eljay is carrying Gaardus downstairs while muttering to himself]

Guy 1: -all of those characters in the, uh…he-he used Lhikan, right?

Guy 2: You alright, man?

Guy 1: As a, whoa. Whoa.

[Eljay walks by and throws Gaardus in the trash]

Eljay: Screw Gaardus.

Guy 1: So he used Lhikan as a…as a character to, uh, base-or he used-

But don’t worry. If/when Eljay uploads Remixed Reviews for 2015 and 2016, I’ll post transcripts of the skits from those.

[thewimpykid]

It’s been a while, but here are the last couple review skit transcripts.

Remixed Reviews

2015

Lewa: Vizuna, in order to defeat the Skull Spiders, we have to power me up. C’mon, you know what to do!

Vizuna: You got it, Toa Lewa. But…what do I do to power you up?

Lewa: [in deep voice] Your clothes. Give them to me. Now.

Vizuna: What the-

2016

Lord Of Skull Spiders: Aw. I can’t believe the other 2015 sets got combo models and I didn’t! [sobs]

Mysterious Voice: Loss.

Lord Of Skull Spiders: [gasps] What’s that voice?

Tahu, Onua, Ikir, Umarak, and Kulta: Loss, join us, and we can be together forever.

Lord Of Skull Spiders: You really mean it? I-I’m on my way! [jumps out of frame]

[fade into Lewa walking on his own]

Lewa: Man, can’t believe the other Uniters got to be part of combos and I didn’t! [sighs]

[a chainsaw’s buzzing is heard]

Lewa: Wait. What’s that sound?

[we see Tahu, Onua, Kulta, Umarak, and Ikir torturing Lord Of Skull Spiders]

Lord Of Skull Spiders: [screaming in pain] Ah! Oh God! No, my legs! Oh, my legs, no!

Lewa: Okay, I think I’m good not being part of a combo! Oh gosh! [turns and runs away]

And a couple additional Random Reviews…

Life-Sized Kanohi Miru

[Eljay is looking up “how to survive coronavirus” on Google]

Eljay: Alright, let’s see… [clicks on a medical website] How do I… [reads how coronavirus spreads and how to prevent it] Uh-huh. Wash your hands, alright. Avoid close contact, easy to do. Cover your mouth and nose with a mask…wear a mask…hah. I was born for this!

[Eljay is seen wearing a face mask over his golden Kanohi Miru]

5004409 Accessory Pack

[the camera focuses on Makuta wearing a loincloth with various Nuva symbols]

Song: Oh and fancy loin cloth!

[TheCobaltCorsair]

@thewimpykid

5004409 Accessory Pack

[the camera focuses on Makuta wearing a loincloth with various Nuva symbols]

Song: Oh and fancy loin cloth!

I’m honestly curious about where @Eljay got the idea for that one. Was that just what “The BIONICLE Song” sounded like to him (as it does to me, now that I’ve watched his review ), or was it a running joke within the community?

Regardless, that’s probably one of my favorite opening skits, since now I can never listen to that song without hearing Oh and Fancy Loin Cloth .

[GoodGuy2006]

that’s a lot of skits

[Winger]

my friend

you are a legend

[Rukah]

man I can’t believe how long this must’ve taken

[thewimpykid]

Yeah…it did take a while. I remember there were some skits where I found it hard to understand what Eljay was saying, so what’s written here represents my best guess. But at least I stuck to it and transcribed every skit.