Easily my favorite part of Eljay’s reviews are the skits he does. I love how he has Bionicle figures going about real-world locations and making random references; they always get chuckles, if not laughs, out of me. A while back, I saw a comment asking Eljay to do a compilation video, but to my knowledge, that never happened. But today I was feeling bored, so I decided to transcribe each skit from each review. I did in a Google Doc, of course, but why not post them on here?
2001 (I’m starting with the Recap Reviews, of course. I’ll get to Recent and Retired Revies eventually.)
Tahu: [standing before a burning fire] Finally, I, the great Tahu, have controlled fire. They said I couldn’t do it, now they burn!
Gali: Tahu, what are you doing?
Tahu: Oh, um…nothing. Nothing at all. Tahu, away!
Gali: [exasperated sigh]
[Gali’s mask sinks to the bottom of a fish tank, where a statue of Nemo is sitting]
Offscreen character: [burps]
Lewa: [falling] Not again!!!
Pohatu: [huddling arms together] Why in tarnation is it so cold?
[the camera pans over to show Kopaka]
[Onua digs a hole in the ground with a shovel and sets a gopher trap at the hole’s entrance]
Onua: [drops shovel] That should stop them gophers from messing with my dirt! [walks away]
Pohatu: By golly, I love me some Kolhi.
[a soccer ball rolls in and knocks Pohatu over]
[Jaller roasts a piece of meat over a heater vent]
[Macku is shown standing in a puddle of water]
Macku: See? At least I can swim!
Kongu: [falling from the sky] Aaaahhhhh!!!
[Matoro is shown standing on ice]
Onepu: [looks at Onua’s gopher trap] Huh. I wonder what that strange contraption is. [jump cut as a snapping noise is heard] Ow!
Hewkii: Alright, yeah, let’s play some Kolhi! [a Kolhi ball rolls into his outstretched arms] Aw man, I love Kolhi-wait, no, wrong Kolhi- [gets hit by a soccer ball]
Onewa: Were you once a Toa who sacrificed his or her power to become a Turaga? Do you once more wish to be one of the greatest heroes that ever lived? [stands with the other Turaga around a Toa Suva] Well, too bad. [falls on his face]
Lewa: [wearing an infected Miru] Ha! So, you think you’re gonna beat me, Onua? Well, that’s not happening!
[“One Transition Screen Later” flashes across the screen]
Lewa: [now wearing no mask] Okay, so, that happened. Uh, where’s my mask?
[A Nui-Rama is shown laying back on a beach chair, wearing a pair of sunglasses and holding Lewa’s Miru]
Eljay: Okay, I know that some people-they like to put scorpions in lollipops. [the camera pans up to show a Nui-Jaga] But who in the world is going to eat that? You know what, I don’t want to know the answer to this question. [gags]
Eljay: Hello everyone, and welcome to the Rahi show. Today, I’ll be looking over the deadly, lizard-like Tara-ka-THESE ARE NOTHING LIKE LIZARDS! WHO SAID THAT THESE ARE LIKE LIZ-
12-Muaka and Kane-Ra
Eljay: Hello everyone, and welcome back to the show. Today I am looking at the ever-dangerous Kane-Ra, built with powerful hooves, deadly front teeth, and sharp horns. This thing will impale you quicker than a sword could. Right now, it is peacefully grazing on some grass. But little does it know, it is being hunted by the dangerous Muaka, built with powerful front teeth, deadly sharp claws, and powerful back le- [the camera lingers on the Muaka’s rear tread] Okay, I don’t get paid enough for this. This show is over!
Lewa: [being pulled in opposite directions by both Manas] Wait, no, ah, no, guys, help! Why, I-gah,I hate seafood! Oh no-ack- [screams in pain] no, ah, my mask!
Tahu: We’ve finally defeated the Makuta.
Lewa: Yeah, at the loss of some of our dignity.
Tahu: Indeed. Now, we shall all go to the local Le-Koro Chuck-E-Cheese.
[the Toa leave]
Kapura: Toa! Toa! Bohrok are he- [looks around] Toa? We’re done for. We’re all done.