Transcripts of Eljay's Review Skits

Easily my favorite part of Eljay’s reviews are the skits he does. I love how he has Bionicle figures going about real-world locations and making random references; they always get chuckles, if not laughs, out of me. A while back, I saw a comment asking Eljay to do a compilation video, but to my knowledge, that never happened. But today I was feeling bored, so I decided to transcribe each skit from each review. I did in a Google Doc, of course, but why not post them on here?

2001 (I’m starting with the Recap Reviews, of course. I’ll get to Recent and Retired Revies eventually.)

1-Tahu

Tahu: [standing before a burning fire] Finally, I, the great Tahu, have controlled fire. They said I couldn’t do it, now they burn!

Gali: Tahu, what are you doing?

Tahu: Oh, um…nothing. Nothing at all. Tahu, away!

Gali: [exasperated sigh]

2-Gali

[Gali’s mask sinks to the bottom of a fish tank, where a statue of Nemo is sitting]

Offscreen character: [burps]

3-Lewa

Lewa: [falling] Not again!!!

4-Kopaka

Pohatu: [huddling arms together] Why in tarnation is it so cold?

[the camera pans over to show Kopaka]

5-Onua

[Onua digs a hole in the ground with a shovel and sets a gopher trap at the hole’s entrance]

Onua: [drops shovel] That should stop them gophers from messing with my dirt! [walks away]

6-Pohatu

Pohatu: By golly, I love me some Kolhi.

[a soccer ball rolls in and knocks Pohatu over]

7-The Tohunga

[Jaller roasts a piece of meat over a heater vent]

[Macku is shown standing in a puddle of water]

Macku: See? At least I can swim!

Kongu: [falling from the sky] Aaaahhhhh!!!

[Matoro is shown standing on ice]

Onepu: [looks at Onua’s gopher trap] Huh. I wonder what that strange contraption is. [jump cut as a snapping noise is heard] Ow!

Hewkii: Alright, yeah, let’s play some Kolhi! [a Kolhi ball rolls into his outstretched arms] Aw man, I love Kolhi-wait, no, wrong Kolhi- [gets hit by a soccer ball]

8-The Turaga

Onewa: Were you once a Toa who sacrificed his or her power to become a Turaga? Do you once more wish to be one of the greatest heroes that ever lived? [stands with the other Turaga around a Toa Suva] Well, too bad. [falls on his face]

9-Nui-Rama

Lewa: [wearing an infected Miru] Ha! So, you think you’re gonna beat me, Onua? Well, that’s not happening!

[“One Transition Screen Later” flashes across the screen]

Lewa: [now wearing no mask] Okay, so, that happened. Uh, where’s my mask?

[A Nui-Rama is shown laying back on a beach chair, wearing a pair of sunglasses and holding Lewa’s Miru]

10-Nui-Jaga

Eljay: Okay, I know that some people-they like to put scorpions in lollipops. [the camera pans up to show a Nui-Jaga] But who in the world is going to eat that? You know what, I don’t want to know the answer to this question. [gags]

11-Tarakava

Eljay: Hello everyone, and welcome to the Rahi show. Today, I’ll be looking over the deadly, lizard-like Tara-ka-THESE ARE NOTHING LIKE LIZARDS! WHO SAID THAT THESE ARE LIKE LIZ-

12-Muaka and Kane-Ra

Eljay: Hello everyone, and welcome back to the show. Today I am looking at the ever-dangerous Kane-Ra, built with powerful hooves, deadly front teeth, and sharp horns. This thing will impale you quicker than a sword could. Right now, it is peacefully grazing on some grass. But little does it know, it is being hunted by the dangerous Muaka, built with powerful front teeth, deadly sharp claws, and powerful back le- [the camera lingers on the Muaka’s rear tread] Okay, I don’t get paid enough for this. This show is over!

13-Manas

Gali: Ugh.

Lewa: [being pulled in opposite directions by both Manas] Wait, no, ah, no, guys, help! Why, I-gah,I hate seafood! Oh no-ack- [screams in pain] no, ah, my mask!

14-Bionicle 2001

Tahu: We’ve finally defeated the Makuta.

Lewa: Yeah, at the loss of some of our dignity.

Tahu: Indeed. Now, we shall all go to the local Le-Koro Chuck-E-Cheese.

[the Toa leave]

Kapura: Toa! Toa! Bohrok are he- [looks around] Toa? We’re done for. We’re all done.

6 Likes

2002

1-The Bohrok

Eljay: Sick and tired of beautiful, lush plantlife infesting the land? Want to turn it into a desolate plain like so? [the camera shows a patch of dirt] Well, then have we got the product for you. Introducing Bohrok: the perfect island destroyers. These biomechanical, operational, hydraulic recyclers, and omnidirectional kickballs, are each designed for a different way to destroy Matoran homes. They have so many functions! They even roll up into compact spheres for extra storage space and easy transport. [puts rolled-up Tahnok and Nuhvok into a satchel and gives a thumbs-up] Listen to one of our satisfied customers.

Kongu: Bohrok suck. No one should ever buy a Bohrok, because they are horrible. They-whoa. Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-what are you doing? No! No! NO!!!

[Lehvak comes in and attacks Kongu]

Kongu: [now being controlled by a red Krana] Clean. Clean it all. It must be cleaned.

Eljay: Certain Bohrok even fit nicely in the space of a freezer. [opens a freezer to reveal Kohrak rolled up and sitting inside; proceeds to remove Kohrak] That way, they can make ice cubes for the beverage they’ll never give you. [gives a thumbs-up] So buy a swarm today! Bohrok-the robots you need for the world domination you want.

2-The Bohrok Va

Eljay: And now, a Bohrok Va protest.

Tahnok Va: [standing on a log, overseeing the rest of the Bohrok Va] We, the Bohrok Va, shall no longer deal with the Bohrok ordering us around like some sort of mindless fools!

Gahlok Va, Kohrak Va, and Nuhvok Va: Yay!

Lehvak Va: Bohrok Va rule!

Pahrak Va: Wait, what am I doing here?

Tahnok Va: We will rise up with our tiny mechanical fists and show the Bohrok a thing or two about Bohrok Va!

Gahlok Va, Kohrak Va, and Nuhvok Va: Yeah!

Lehvak Va: Stupid Bohrok!

Pahrak Va: Wait, what-why am I still here?

Tahnok Va: So, who of you stand with me?

Lewa: [wearing a golden Miru] Count me out.

Tahnok Va: Oh, it’s gonna be one of those days.

3-Bionicle Master Builder

Eljay: Okay. [looks at the box] Fifteen? I can’t make that many jokes. I don’t get paid enough for this! [stumbles out of frame]

4-Boxor

[footage of Eljay’s The Tohunga review on YouTube is shown; comments that read “Hmm. What about Nuparu or do you count him as a different set?” “Nuparu was also a mctoran released” “YOU FORGOT ONE! NUPARU ,who comes whith the boxor, is one, evan if he has two disk arms.” are shown; a reply from Eljay that reads “Came out in 2002. Not 2001.” is shown; more comments, such as “Still the same.” “What about Nuparu who came with the boxor.” “There is one more from the boxor set : Nuparu” “Are you going to review Boxor” are shown]

[Eljay removes Nuparu from the Boxor’s cockpit and angrily takes him outside; he rides his ATV to a trail in the forest; on arriving, he dismounts and puts Nuparu in the middle of the dirt road, then gets back on his ATV and drives right toward Nuparu; the camera cuts away just before Eljay hits Nuparu]

5-Exo-Toa

Tahu: Now Toa Tahu has acquired a suit of Exo-Toa armor that gives him greater control over fire. [lights match and holds it close to the Exo-Toa] Uh…or not?

6-Cahdok and Gahdok

[Gahdok is shown standing among chickens pecking about in the grass]

7-Tahu Nuva

Tahu: Now that I’m a Toa Nuva, I’ve finally overcome my urge to cause large fires. [sees a match among the pebbles and runs for it]

8-Gali Nuva

Gali: [angrily] My name is not Flipper!

9-Lewa Nuva

Eljay: Lewa’s lack of luck begins when he was taken over by Makuta using an infected Kanohi mask. He was later saved by his friend Onua. His lack of luck continues when he was taken over by a Bohrok’s Krana. And once again saved by his friend Onua. Lewa’s lack of luck continues now that he has been transformed into a powerful Toa Nuva.

Lewa: Wind! Wind! Wind-I don’t understand. What has ever happened to my voice? What-Mata Nui, what have you done to me?

10-Kopaka Nuva

Pohatu: Howdy, Kopaka. What do you think of our Nuva transformations?

[Kopaka stares blankly into space]

Pohatu: Are you ever gonna talk to me?

[Kopaka continues to ignore Pohatu]

Pohatu: Huh. Well, I’ll try again in 2008.

11-Onua Nuva

Onua: Well, now that my weapons are rollerskates, I should probably wear a helmet-just like my mother told me to. [sighs] If only I had one.

Eljay: [sitting in the director’s chair] Alright. I just made a Hero Factory joke that no one is going to get. And possibly offended millions of people. [slaps thigh] Ah. Wait. No. Put the brick down. Put the brick down! [waves arms defensively]

12-Pohatu Nuva

Hewkii: Hey Pohatu, can you go get us another Kolhi ball?

Pohatu: No problem. [looks between a normal Kolhi ball and the spiked ball formed from his Toa Tools] Hm. Let’s try something new. [takes spiked ball] Hey guys, try this one! [kicks the ball]

[the spiked ball hits Hewkii and breaks off his left leg]

Hewkii: Ah, my leg! My leg is gone. Ah!

Pohatu: Uh-oh. [leaves[

13-Bionicle 2002

[Hewkii and Macku are shown sitting in front of a river; a Bionicle storage box drops in front of them]

Storage Box: No! I will not allow this relationship to be canon!

Macku: It will happen! There’s nothing you can do to stop this!

Storage Box: Watch me.

[Hewkii is transformed into a Toa Inika]

Macku: [looks at Hewkii] NNNNOOOOO!!!

5 Likes

2003

1-The Bohrok-Kal

Eljay: You remember those old Bohrok things we sold to you last time? Well, chuck those in a garbage bag and throw them out to the curb with last week’s Apple product. Because we’ve got an upgrade that will rock your socks off. Introducing…the Bohrok-Kal. What have we done to improve them? Well, nothing. But now they’re in silver.

2-The 2003 Matoran

Hafu: I’m so excited for our Kolhi match!

Macku: Me too. But something is bugging me.

Hafu: What’s wrong? I mean, we’ve gotten a sweet new upgrade!

Macku: Well, when you think about it, we were upgraded with old Bohrok.

Hafu: Oh no.

Hafu and Macku: [talking like zombies] Clean it all. It must be cleaned.

3-The Rahkshi

Makuta: So, the Toa have defeated the Bohrok-Kal. Now I must unleash those who have never seen the light of day-

[the light switches on]

Turahk: Dad! Lerahk poisoned Kurahk again!

Lerahk: It was his fault!

Makuta: I’m in the middle of a menacing dialogue. Go away.

Turahk: Fine! C’mon. Let’s go to the Muaka petting zoo. [leaves the room with Lerahk]

Makuta: Wait-no…

4-Jaller and Gukko

Jaller: Takua!

Takua: Yeah, Jaller?

Jaller: Takua! Takua!

Takua: Jaller, I’m here. What is it?

Jaller: TAKUA!!! Takua, Takua, Takua!

Takua: Jaller, stop! You’re scaring me-

[Jaller hits Takua with his Kolhi stick]

5-Takua and Pewku

Takua: You know, Toa Tahu, I remember when I first met Pewku…

[fades into a flashback]

Takua: Now, don’t worry, Pewku, it’ll all be over soon.

Pewku: [sitting on a platter to be eaten] Me.

6-Makuta

Makuta: Now that my Rahkshi are attacking the Toa, I can finally relax in my own lair.

[the light switches on]

Vorahk: Hey Dad. How’s it going?

Makuta: You’re dead to me.

7-Takanuva

Takanuva: I am Takanuva, Toa of light!

Lewa: Wait, wait. Why did you change your name again?

Takanuva: Because I am Takanuva, Toa of light!

Lewa: Okay then…

8-Bionicle 2003

Macku: Hey Takanuva.

Takanuva: I am Takanuva, Toa of light!

Macku: I know that. Why’d you change your name again?

Takanuva: Because I am Takanuva, Toa of light!

Macku: That’s it. Get over here!

Takanuva: But I defeated the Rahkshi-aaahhhh!!!

9-The Golden Years (2001-2003)

[shot of a standard Hau before moving to a golden Hau and a Hau Nuva]

4 Likes

I’m gonna do both 2004 and 2005 in one post.

2004

1-The Metrutoran

Eljay: And now, the unnecessary Toa Metru hate club.

Nuhrii: Thank you for being here, everyone. Now as you all know, we hate the Toa Metru for very different reasons. Ehrye, you hate Nuju because he’s better than you. Orkahm, you hate Matau for the exact same reason. And Ahkmou…uh…yeah, you’re just a bad egg.

[Ahkmou’s mask is shown strapped to an egg with a rubber band; the egg is smashed]

2-The Toa Metru

Matau: You know what we had back in the day?

Lewa: What?

Matau: [as a Toa Metru] We had knees!

3-The Vahki

Nokama: I remember the Vahki talking really fast at times.

[fades into a flashback where Nokama is being chased by Bordakh]

Bordakh: Surrender or run!

Nokama: You like hamburgers with buns?

Bordakh: Surrender or run!

Nokama: You eat Matoran for fun?

Bordakh: Surrender-oh, forget it. [turns and leaves]

4-Nidhiki

Nuparu: Alrighty, let’s check up on Vahki, uh… [looks at Rorzakh] check. Okay, um… [looks at Zadakh] check. That’s good, um…that’s it- [looks at Nidhiki] this one’s a little odd. Eh, okay, move around the blades, and check. [looks at Keerakh] Okay, now, check. Okay… [looks at Vorzakh] yeah, that’s good. Check. Okay, let’s check on this one- [sees Krekka] What-wait a second! [whirls back toward Nidhiki]

5-Krekka

Matau: [escaping] Yeehaw!

Nidhiki: No! No! [turns to Krekka] You let him get away!

Krekka: Well, if you want to get technical, he actually tricked us into escaping.

Nidhiki: No! You’re an idiot! [turns to the camera] And you’re an idiot if you laughed at this stupid joke!

6-Turaga Dume and Nivawk

Eljay: Nivawk want a cracker? Does Nivawk want a cracker? Does Nivawk want a cracker? Go on-ugh-

[Nivawk attacks Eljay]

Eljay: Ack-Nivawk! That hurt! That-that bad Nivawk! Ah, at least I’m okay- [notices blood spilling] Ah, it’s only a flesh wound.

7-Toa Lhikan and Kikanalo

Lhikan: Nidhiki, I will defeat you!

Nidhiki: I beg to differ, brother-wait a second. What is that?

Kikanalo: [oinking noise]

Lhikan: That is the excuse for my thirty-dollar price tag!

8-Bionicle 2004

Vakama: And so, that is how we rescued the Matoran.

Matau: Vakama, I think you’re forgetting something.

Vakama: What? No, that’s the whole story.

Matau: You left out the part where we became half Rahi and you nearly-

Vakama: Okay, okay. In the time before time…

2005

1-The Rahaga

Norik: [trying to pull his mask off] Nrg-urg-urg-

Iruini: I told you superglue wouldn’t make our Halloween costumes more realistic!

Norik: Shut it!

2-The Toa Hordika

Onewa: Hey Matau, why do you constantly think we’re all ugly?

Matau: Well, think about it, Onewa. We’re all pretty much the same, so we basically all look like Vakama.

Vakama: This is why I’m defecting. I hope you know this.

3-The Visorak

Eljay: [sweeping his backyard] Ah, sweeping. I love sweeping. [turns to see Keelarak and gasps] Ah! Spider! [whacks him with his broom] Agh-ugh-die, die, die! Ah, all right. Thank go- [turns to find the rest of the Visorak] AAAAHH!!!

4-Keetongu

[Keetongu’s helmet shell is seen sitting on top of an orange]

Eljay: Oh, come on, that isn’t even an orange! That’s not even funny!

5-Sidorak

Keetongu: [lying on the ground] Uunnhhh…

Sidorak: Now, Mr. Keetongu, I expect you to get up-wait. Wrong movie. Even in a skit, I can’t do anything right.

6-Roodaka

[Roodaka is walking until she takes a step and breaks off her heel]

Roodaka: Darn this ‘07 plastic!

7-The Toa Hagah

Eljay: And now we return to what could have been.

Dume: This is stupid. I’m outta here.

Nidhiki: Yeah. Forget this.

8-Bionicle 2005

Vakama: There. That is the story of Metru Nui.

Matau: Very good. And now that we’re moving there, nothing is going to go wrong!

Nuju: [in his whistling/clicking language] Mata Nui is dying!

Vakama: I really don’t like you people right now.

9-The Flashback Years (2004-2005)

[the camera shows Vakama’s Huna before panning over to show the Huna in its Hordika form]

4 Likes

I’m still working on the 2007 transcripts, but here’s 2006.

2006

1-The Voyatoran

Eljay: Oh, I really feel like making some Matoran today. Wonder how- [comes across Matau Metru on the floor] Oh, what you doing here? Matau? What am I supposed to- [looks up and sees a blender] Oh, I have an idea! [puts Matau in the blender and starts it up]

[“Five more Toa later…” flashes across the screen before the jump cut; Eljay takes Dalu out of the blender and puts her with Garan, Velika, Kazi, Piruk, and Balta]

Eljay: Alright, and done. Phew. These came out pretty well! Eh…I’m bored now.

2-Gold Good Guy

Eljay: [sits down at his computer] Alright, let’s see what’s on the Lego Message Boards. [scrolls through the “Chat With Greg Farshtey” topic] Uh-huh. Yeah. Alright. Interesting, uh-wait. What’s this?

[the camera focuses on one message that reads “Hey Greg? A lot of people often believe the set called “7216 Gold Good Guy” is Turaga Lhikan. This set was a small promotional one included with Duracell batteries in a 2006 promotion. (If you have no idea what I’m talking about, just search up the name on Google. Even if this set isn’t Turaga Lhikan, it at least had to have had inspiration from that character. Not only is it the perfect size for a Turaga, it also has the correct color scheme of dark red and a gold mask. Actually, it has the exact same mask as Toa Lhikan. The character also carries a small staff, just like all other Turaga. So is this canonically Turaga Lhikan? And if it isn’t, could you make it canon?” The message has a reply that reads “I think this one got buried” from another normal user; however, Greg Farshtey’s reply reads “Sure, go ahead.”]

Eljay: Huh.

[dramatic music plays as Eljay looks at the camera; jump cut to an outdoor area, where Eljay drops Gold Good Guy onto the ground, draws a sword, and stabs it into Gold Good Guy]

3-The Piraka

Eljay: [wearing a phony nose and mustache] Hey guys. Bob Schneider 1999 here. You’re never gonna believe what I found. I have uncovered a prototype, like, preliminary footage of the Piraka 2006 promotional commercials. I-I mean, I can’t-I’m so excited to show you guys. This is, like, crazy. So check ‘em out, uh, don’t forget to comment, rate, subscribe to Bob Schneider 1999. Bionicle’s coming back, guys! Check these out!

Piraka Rap: [rapping] Yo yo, Piraka!

[“Vezok: The Beast” flashes across the screen]

[Vezok is shown listening to Piraka Rap while petting a dog]

Piraka Rap: [rapping] Yo yo, Piraka!

[“Reidak: The Tracer” flashes across the screen]

Reidak: [holding a red cape] Grr. Alright, yeah, let’s go, let’s-ah! [gets attacked by a bull]

Piraka Rap: [rapping] Yo yo, Piraka!

[“Avak: The Trigger” flashes across the screen]

Avak: Okay, let’s see, a part goes there, the part goes here, and-aha! [holds up a NERF gun] It’s poy-fect. [falls over] Yack!

Piraka Rap: [rapping] Yo yo, Piraka!

[“Hakann: The Bully” flashes across the screen]

Dalu: Yay! I want ice cream!

Hakann: [kicks Dalu] I hate ice cream…because I’m lactose intolerant.

Piraka Rap: [rapping] Yo yo, Piraka!

[“Zaktan: The Snake” flashes across the screen]

[a paper flytrap is shown; Zaktan looks it over before popping out of the frame]

Piraka Rap: [rapping] Yo yo, Piraka!

[“Thok: The Drifter” flashes across the screen]

Thok: [relaxing in a recliner] Ah, this is the life, sitting on the couch-wait. This ain’t no couch. This is a chair! [gets sat on by Eljay] Ah!

[all six Piraka are shown together]

Eljay: And then, we’ll end the entire commercial with the catchphrase “the gang is on the loose” and put them in this really weird grungy-looking area. What do you think? [mimicking an executive] Yeah, that could possibly work. I like it. Alright, start marketing this. [normal voice] To what demographic? [mimicking an executive] Whichever you want. As for this footage…you should probably cut it. [normal voice] Okay. [slashes the Piraka with a knife]

4-Irnakk

Zaktan: Mm, time for sleep. [lies down in bed] Ah.

[Zaktan is walking in a dream]

Zaktan: Eh-eh-hello?

Irnakk: I am your worst nightmare.

Zaktan: Nah, I’m scared of spiders more.

Irnakk: [turns into a Boggarak] Oh. Okay.

Zaktan: [waking up from his nightmare] Ah! What? What was…ah. Back to sleep. [lies back down]

[the next morning, Zaktan wakes up]

Zaktan: Well, time for the bathroom. [walks to the bathroom] What? [sees a No Parking sign on the door] What does this mean? Does this mean…no P for Piraka?

[dramatic music plays as Piraka (2010) peeks into the room]

Zaktan: [waking up and realizing that it’s just another dream] Ah!

5-The Toa Inika

Jaller: Alright, Toa. It’s time we move along.

Nuparu: We know we gotta be as strong.

Jaller: Exactly, Nuparu! [turns to look at a metal wire fence] Oh, gosh dang it! Every time we try to make some progress on this island, some moron puts these stupid fences in our way!

Nuparu: It’s okay, Jaller. We just gotta move along.

Jaller: [flashing his sword] Just shut up!

6-Umbra

Umbra: I am Umbra, the darkest part of a shadow. [reads the TTV Message Boards] Wait. [turns to the camera] What-no. This isn’t what I meant! [flashing both his sword blades in total darkness] Much better.

7-Axonn

Eljay: Alright. With just a few more months of this, I’ll look just like Axonn. [does reps with a dumbbell] What’s that, Axonn? You want a turn? Okay. [throws dumbbell]

[Axonn is shown standing ready to catch the dumbbell, only for the dumbbell to knock him over]

8-Brutaka

Axonn: So Brutaka, what kind of crazy antics has that Olmak gotten you into?

Brutaka: One time, I accidentally fell into a universe full of titans.

[fades into a flashback]

Brutaka: [looking around] Wha-what-no.

[Eljay is shown towering over Brutaka]

Brutaka: No. No!

[Eljay steps on Brutaka]

9-Vezon And Fenrakk

Eljay: [sweeping his backyard] Ah, what another beautiful day for sweeping. Thankfully, no pesky spiders this ti- [sees Fenrakk] Gosh dang, that one’s the size of a dinner plate! [steps on Fenrakk]

10-Vezon And Kardas

Vezon: Are you ready to get fed, Kardas?

Kardas: [nodding] Mm.

Vezon: Okay. Here comes!

Kardas: Hm? Mm-hm. Mm-hm!

[a giant brown bag of food falls on Vezon; Kardas opens his mouth]

11-Bionicle 2006

Matoro: [holding the Mask of Life] We have the mask! Now nothing will go wrong!

[Kardas growls and attacks Matoro]

Matoro: Ow! [drops the Mask of Life into a toilet; the toilet flushes]

4 Likes

2007

1-The Mahritoran

[“December 31, 2006, 11:59 PM” flashes across the screen; Defilak and Dekar are looking at the Bionicle website]

Defilak: Well, looks like another years’ at an end, Dekar. Tell me, do you have any regrets?

Dekar: Nah, not really. Well, there-there was the one thing. I do wish we started that swimming club we always wanted to. That won’t bite us in the rear end anytime soon.

Defilak: Yep. That’s for sure. [looks at computer screen] Hup! It’s midnight! Let’s refresh the page! [refreshes the page]

[the 2007 Bionicle website is shown on the computer screen]

2-The Hydruka

[Morak is looking at the Bionicle wiki; he clicks on his page and reads under the Trivia section: “Due to the major cuts done to the story in 2007, Morak was never seen in any comics or books. However, Morak did have an entry in the Bionicle Encyclopedia Updated.” Morak then opens up the Bionicle Encyclopedia Updated and reads his entry, which is extremely short; he turns to see a pair of scissors with Greg Farshtey’s face taped onto them; the scissors come closer to him while snipping]

Morak: Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Aaaahhhhh!!!

3-Takadox

Takadox: [relaxing on a beach chair] Ah, this is the life! ■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■ what the doctor ordered! [gets up] But enough of that. Time to figure out why I just can never win nighttime hide-and-seek. Hm…

4-Kalmah

Ehlek: Hey Kalmah!

Kalmah: Mm. What is it, Ehlek?

Ehlek: Hey buddy, I know we’ve known each other for a long time, but-uh-are you a squid or an octopus? I-I really can’t tell.

Kalmah: What in the world makes you think I’m an octopus? See, I’m a squid. Can’t you tell?

Carapar: Maybe it’s all those times you inked the bed, Kalmah! [laughs]

[Kalmah takes Carapar and puts him in an oven]

Carapar: Wait-Kalmah, no! I was just kidding, Kalmah! Kalmah, oh!

5-Carapar

Carapar: Ah, there’s nothing like looking at family pictures.

[Carapar is looking a picture and a Wikipedia page about the Fiddler Crab]

6-Mantax

Mantax: I have no friends. Only enemies I haven’t killed yet.

Eljay: [sobbing and patting Mantax on the head] Me too, Mantax. Me too.

7-Ehlek

Ehlek: Now, prepare to face my eel army…on land! [a snake starts to slither on Ehlek] Wait-what? No! No, wrong way! No, this isn’t what I had in mind when I traded in eels for snakes! Ah!

8-Pridak

[Pridak is looking at the IMDB page for Jaws]

Pridak: I remember the good old days.

Jaws Trailer: We’re gonna need a bigger boat.

9-Nocturn

Eljay: We’ll rebuild him. We’ll make him stronger than before. The sharpest blades, like that of shark teeth. A strong tentacle for crushing his enemies. Deadly blue spikes. The head of the strongest crab. What-what do manta rays have? Forget it. Give him spikes. Spikes are cool. Oh-and glowy blue stuff. That’s awesome. [shows the finished Nocturn] And his name shall be… Prilakidoxaparceltox! [short pause] Okay. I quit.

10-Kongu

Kongu: Alright, it’s time for me to summon a powerful creature using my Mask of Summoning!

[shot of Kongu standing before a dog]

Kongu: Eh, well, looks like I’m never using this mask again.

11-Jaller

Jaller: [looks down] Hm?

[Hahnah Crab walks up to Jaller]

Jaller: Oh, look, a small Rahi who seemingly wants to befriend me. Hm, now that I think about it, Takua had a pet Ussal crab. Maybe I could join the club! Come here, buddy! [mounts a Cordak blaster on the Hahnah Crab and laughs] Sucker! Now you get to carry the cannon! Have fun!

12-Hewkii

Hydraxon: Hey Hewkii, let me give you a hand. [holds hand out]

[Hewkii looks down at his right arm, which has an open ball joint with no hand]

13-Nuparu

Nuparu: I wonder how long it’s gonna take people to realize I’m not using my mask. Just dead. Hm.

14-Hahli

Hahli: Time to test out these new wings.

Hewkii: Hahli, what are you doing?

Hahli: It’s okay, Hewkii. I’ve got these new wings, and I am a Toa!

Hewkii: Wait, no! Hahli! Your joints are lime!

15-Matoro

Maxilos: No matter how hard you try, Matoro, you cannot defeat me. Not even if you freeze me solid-

[Matoro looks offscreen; jump cut to Matoro putting Maxilos in a refrigerator]

Maxilos: Hey-wait. Matoro? Let’s talk about-

[Matoro closes the refrigerator]

Maxilos: Pretty please?

Matoro: Well, time to go do that dying thing. [sighs] Responsibilities.

16-Gadunka

Eljay: Oh, good morning, Gadunka. How are you doing-have you been brushing those chompers? Ah-ah. Have you been flossing right between the teeth? Alright, that’s good, good. Ah-alright. Now, open your jaws. Open ‘em up. Up wide. C’mon, open ‘em up. Oh, that’s good. That-Gadunka. Did you eat another Toa? [points at the door] Get out of my office.

17-Hydraxon

Dekar: [holding the Mask of Life] It’s okay, Mr. Mask. I’ll keep you safe. [hears something rushing by] What-what was that sound? No!

[creepy music plays as a pair of scissors with Greg Farshtey’s face taped on comes for Dekar; the scissors snip]

Dekar: No. No! NNNOOOOAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!

[fade to black before cutting to Dekar in the form of Hydraxon]

Hydraxon: What-whoa. What-I-I-I have eyes!

18-Maxilos And Spinax

Maxilos: Do do-do d-do. And halt.

[Spinax comes to a stop as Maxilos stops; he pants like a dog]

Maxilos: [petting Spinax] Ah, yes, who’s a good skeleton dog? You are. Good boy.

[Maxilos looks up to see Kulta approaching; a Skull Scorpio comes up beside Kulta]

Maxilos: What are you doing?

Kulta: I’m walking my skeletal scorpion. What are you doing?

Maxilos: I’m walking my skeletal dog.

Kulta: Aw. Poser. [turns and leaves]

19-Lesovikk

Vakama: I’m a terrible leader.

Lesovikk: [burps] Join the club, buddy.

20-Karzahni

Eljay: Here we are, at the annual Bionicle reunion.

Hahli: OMG Gali, you look so great-

[Karzahni taps Hahli on the shoulder]

Hahli: Who-yeah?

Karzahni: Uh-hey, Hahli. Uh-could you sign my yearbook?

Hahli: Absolutely. Here, let’s just go ahead and take a look at your book. [opens up Bionicle: World] Alright, over here and-uh…you really let yourself go.

21-Bionicle 2007

Hydraxon: [sighs] Now that everyone’s gone from the Pit, what am I gonna do? Everything’s so…lonely.

[the Hahnah Crab walks up to Hydraxon]

Hydraxon: Mm? Why, hello little crab. Seeing you so small and tiny reminds me, everyone has a destiny. Everyone has a purpose in this Matoran universe. You know what your destiny is? [mounts a Cordak blaster on the Hahnah Crab] To be a sucker. Have fun carrying my Cordak blaster, crab. [laughs]

3 Likes

2008

1-The Kardatoran

[a comment that reads “Solekians, are you ready to go to war against the Tanmanians today?” flashes across the screen as it fades into a shot of Solek tied against a log]

Solek: Ah. What-where am I?

[more comments that read “Praise Solek.” and “Solek Book 4: World War Solek begins” flash across the screen as Eljay stands over Solek]

Solek: Who…who are you? What do you want?

[more comments that read “Solek Book 5: World War Solek 2” “YOU KNOW IT’S TIME TO REVIEW SOLEK!” “did not know maso loves solek so much. and mazeka” and “Solek, Klakk, and Mazeka for the win!” flash across the screen as Eljay holds up a chainsaw and starts it up]

Solek: Wait! Wait! No!

[more comments that read “Solek need to shoot hisself with a zamor sphere” “Dat reference to my Journey of Solekians tho” and one other incomprehensible one flash across the screen]

Solek: No! NNNOOOO!!!

[Eljay uses his chainsaw to destroy Solek; Solek screams in pain as even more incomprehensible hate comments flash across the screen; shot of Solek in pieces, scattered across the snow]

2-Phantoka-Toa

Lewa: You know, Pohatu, I really like these visors.

Pohatu: Eh, Lewa? What? Eh? Eh? [deep breath, then sneezes] Aw, dang gum it!

Lewa: [laughs] Oh, look at you. Uh… [sneezes]

Kopaka: Suckers.

3-Phantoka-Makuta

[Antroz and Chirox are in a staring contest]

Antroz: You blinked.

Chirox: How would you know? We’re blind!

4-Mutran And Vican

Mutran: It’s alive. It’s alive! [laughs]

Vican: But…Mutran, it really isn’t.

Mutran: Oh. [sees the sawed-up pieces of Solek] I guess you’re right.

5-Toa Ignika

Lewa: Hey buddy, got a question for you.

Toa Ignika: Hm?

Lewa: We’re looking for a mask. Maybe you’ve seen it. [holds up a golden Mask of Life] Looks a little bit like something like this. Seen it anywhere?

Toa Ignika: Uh…nope. Can’t say I have. Sorry. [leaves]

6-Icarax

[Icarax is humming as he walks along]

Bitil: Oh, hey Teridax! How’s it going?

Icarax: What-what-I’m not Teridax! I’m Icarax! Gosh! [walks away while grumbling] Stupid Bitil.

Onua: Ooh, uh, hey Teridax. You wanna fight later, maybe you know, uh-huh, fight over the world? [laughs]

Icarax: [growls] I’m not Teridax! I’m Icarax! Gosh! [leaves] Gosh dang! I swear, why does everyone keep calling me that?

Gorast: Teridax? Oh, my favorite Makuta! Let’s take over the Matoran universe and kill them all!

Icarax: Okay. That’s it. Just because I wanna take over the Brotherhood, and take over the Matoran universe, and wear the Mask of Shadows, does not mean I am Terida…oh. I kind of understand now.

7-Mistika-Toa

[Tahu, Gali, and Onua are waiting for Eljay to arrive]

Eljay: Thanks Toa Nuva, for being here. As you know, I’m Mike Eljay, and I’m going to be directing the new movie detailing your conflict against the Makuta in Karda Nui. Obviously, we couldn’t cast you guys in the film. We got the next best thing. Presenting…the Toa Mistika! [points to his left] They’re sleek, they’re hip, they’re wow, they’re now. The reason they’re silver is because we ran out of gold.

8-Mistika-Makuta

Eljay: [scratches an itch on the back of his head] Ugh. [swats arm] Ugh. [swats arm] Ergh. [swats the back of his head] Aha! Gotcha! [pulls Gorast off his head] That is one big mosquito.

9-Vultraz

[Vultraz is looking on the Lego website; he sees a comment reading “It sucks.”]

Vultraz: Mom, is it really true?

Vacuum: I’m afraid so, dear.

10-Mazeka

Solek: Wow. Your swamp strider is so cool. If only I had a vehicle like that. Then I could help the Toa-I could help Kopaka. [looks at Mazeka] Eh…we look enough alike. [laughs]

[cut to a shot of Mazeka incapacitated; Solek takes his mask and puts it on]

Solek: Perfect! Now I’m Mazeka! Gee, we really did look a lot alike. [shrugs] Eh.

11-Takanuva

Takanuva: [flips a light switch on] Light on, light off. [flips it off, then flips it back on] Light on, light off. [flips it off again] Light on. [turns on lights again] Light off! [turns them off] Light on! [turns them on] Light off! [turns them off] Man, being a Toa of Twilight is easy!

12-Rockoh T3

Pohatu: [looking at the Rockoh T3] Man, what am I going to call you? Hm… [looks at a pile of rocks] Rocks…rock…oh! Your name is Pebbles!

13-Jetrax T6

Eljay: Are you sick and tired of the boring, generic blue Jetrax? [holds up the yellow Jetrax T6] Introducing the lemon-flavored yellow Jetrax! What’s new? Nothing!

14-Axalara T9

Lewa: Axalara? I would’ve remembered you. Why is your name Axalara? There are no axes anywhere on you.

Axonn: [places his hand on the Axalara] Oh, yeah. I remember the day I named you.

15-Klakk

Eljay: [being hounded by a dog] Get off me, foul creature infected by shadow! Time to use the Klakk! [holds up Klakk and brings him toward the dog; the dog calms down] Oh hey, it really does work.

16-Bionicle 2008

Mata Nui: [trapped inside the Mask of Life] I will return…despite my lack of arms and legs! Ah… [lands on Bara Magna] Oof!

Eljay: [standing over the Mask of Life] Oh hey there Mata Nui. What are you doing here on Bara Magna? Here to RUIN 2009?

17-The Ignition Trilogy (2006-2008)

[the camera pans from the Calix, to the Arthron, to the swamp adapted Hau Nuva]

18-Bionicle Pens

Eljay: [scoffs] Ha! Bionicle pens? Who would even use one of those?

[Greg Farshtey shrugs]

4 Likes

2009

1-The Agori

Takua: Hi. I’m a Matoran.

Berix: And I’m an Agori.

Takua: I’m biomechanical, and that makes me strong.

Berix: Oh yeah? Well, I helped you build your home!

Takua: Well…I can become a Toa!

Berix: My love is canon.

Takua: Darn it.

2-Skrall

[Skrall is walking by Gresh]

Gresh: I wish I had a shield like the Skrall. Mine has holes in it.

3-Malum

Raanu: Malum, since it doesn’t seem like you have hands like us civilized folk, how will you be using the Thornax Launcher in combat?

Malum: By using my shoulder hand, of course.

Raanu: I want a new Glatorian.

4-Gresh

Gresh: I can do this. I can look cool while posing with my shield. [adjusts his hand] Just…a little…bit…more! [his hand cracks and goes all the way back] OOOOWWWWW!!!

5-Tarix

Gresh: Tarix, why do you have a tube when you’re not underwater?

Tarix: Because we live in the desert, and any way I can look like I’m from the Water Tribe, I’ll take it.

[jump cut to Tarix writhing on the ground and gasping]

Tarix: Water! Water… [dies]

6-Strakk

[Strakk is dueling Ackar]

Metus: Get him, Strakk! [echoing in Strakk’s mind] Get him, Strakk!

Strakk: That is…just what I needed! [defeats Ackar]

Raanu: And so, Strakk is the winner!

7-Vorox

Vorox: [crouching ready to pounce] Beware my stinger tail!

Gresh: Stinger tail? Beware my stinger gun! [brandishes Thornax Launcher]

8-Fero And Skirmix

Fero: [holding a stick] Alright boy, get the stick! [throws the stick]

[Skirmix runs after the stick; he then finds a jaw bone and brings it back to Fero]

Fero: Why would you bring this back? We’re called Stick Hunters, you dork.

9-Tuma

Tuma: I am the mighty Tuma-ow, my back!

10-Stronius

[a Before/After chart is shown, with Skrall being under Before and Stronius under After]

Eljay: This Skrall got ripped in three weeks! Doctors hate him! Keep watching to learn how he did it!

11-Ackar

Gresh: Ackar! Look out!

Ackar: What?

Gresh: Look out, a car!

Ackar: There’s nothing out here- [gets ran over by a car]

12-Vastus

Eljay: [wearing an Indiana Jones hat] Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?

Vastus: I don’t know, why did you have to be ugly?

[Eljay shamefully takes his hat off]

Vastus: Yeah, that’s right. Words hurt, buddy.

13-Kiina

Kiina: But Mata Nui, I think I love you!

Mata Nui: [tilts head] What’s that?

14-Gelu

Metus: With my shield, I guess you really could say that I’m a special snowflake.

Gelu: Dude! Aw, yeah! Check out these awesome snowflake shoulder armor pieces! They’re so awesome! Glad I picked these up at the dollar store!

Metus: I think I’m gonna go make an alliance with the Skrall.

15-Mata Nui

Mata Nui: Excellent. I, Mata Convenient-Timing Nui, have landed.

16-Cendox V1

Crotesius: [riding the Cendox V1] Alright, with my Cendox V1, I can totally win this battle!

[Sconodius and Kirbraz ride up on the Kaxium V3; it splits into two motorcycles; Perditus drives up in the Thornatus V9; it opens into attack mode; Telluris rides in on the Skopio XV-1]

Crotesius: Alright, with my Cendox V1, I can drive home and cry in defeat. [leaves]

17-Kaxium V3

Kirbraz: Alright, it’s time for our ultimate move. Detach!

[the Kaxium V3 splits in two]

18-Baranus V7

Sahmad: Alright, my noble steed. Onward to victory! Move, mighty Spikit!

[the Baranus chariot is chained to a water spigot]

19-Thornatus V9

Perditus: [sitting in the Thornatus V9] Check out my sweet new ride. Isn’t it awesome?

Kiina: Oh yeah, it’s really cool.

Eljay: Kiina! Come over here!

Perditus: Hey wait-don’t leave!

[the camera pans up to show a pair of scissors with Greg Farshtey’s face taped to them; the scissors snap as they approach Perditus]

Perditus: Wait, what? What was that? Wait, no!

[the screen fades to black as a crashing noise is heard; the Thornatus V9 is then shown without a driver]

Gresh: Hello? Anyone over here? [sees the empty Thornatus V9] Oh hey. Sweet Ride.

20-Skopio XV-1

Telluris: [checking the Skopio XV-1] It’s perfect. I shall call you…Skopio, since that will never get confusing.

Skull Scorpio: I agree!

Ketar: I am a scorpion, too!

Pohatu: [facepalming] Oh, great.

21-Toa Mata Nui

Mata Nui: Tuma, if you don’t stop picking on me, I’m calling my big brother.

Tuma: Big brother? You’ve got to be kidding me.

[Toa Mata Nui stomps up beside Mata Nui]

Toa Mata Nui: I heard you were picking on my little brother.

Tuma: You have got to be kidding me.

22-Click

Eljay: Okay. [picks up Klakk] Klakk… [picks up Click] Click. Click…Klakk. Click-Klakk! [laughs] That’s really funny, Lego! Really is! IT’S REALLY FUNNY!

23-Bionicle 2009

Mata Nui: [standing alongside Ackar, Kiina, and Gresh] Our adventure has just begun. [his cell phone rings] Oh-hang on. I’m getting a call from Lego. [answers his phone] Hello? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Okay. Thank you. Goodbye. [hangs up] So, our adventure has just ended. Let’s go home, everyone. Bionicle just got cancelled.

3 Likes

2010

1-Tahu

Tahu: This is the greatest fight of our lives. So we must be at full strength. I sure hope that no Mask of Life reverts me back to my original state and causes me to be unable to move my knees and elbows.

[“moments later” flashes across the screen]

Tahu: [now in his Stars form] I don’t even have a gear function. What did I do to deserve this?

2-Gresh

Takanuva: Are you a Toa?

Gresh: No. But I’m green and can control air.

Takanuva: Perfect! Our longtime green friend that controls air is missing. So you can replace him! Let’s go!

Gresh: Yippee!

3-Takanuva

Takanuva: We’re on an alien battlefield where I need to lay low as much as possible. Time to switch out this dull gold… [ducks out of frame and comes back up in his Stars form] for bright and shiny silver!

4-Skrall

Skrall: Perfect! My Tuma costume is ready just in time!

5-Piraka

[Piraka is fighting Tahu]

Tahu: You know, most Skakdi I see are grinning from ear to ear. So what’s with the scowl?

Piraka: It takes 22 muscles to smile. But it takes 37 to frown. I’m just getting a workout.

6-Rahkshi

[Rahkshi is standing on an open field and being watched by Tahu]

Tahu: Aw man, Rahkshi of heat vision? That’s so cool. I wish I had heat vision. [turns to see the Golden Armor pieces on the ground] Ooh, look! Golden armor! I wonder what this will do.

7-Bionicle 2010

Tahu: Gathered friends, we have won. Now it is time to move forward, for our tale has come to an end. And by “end,” I mean three story serials, of which only one will end up getting finished.

8-Bionicle 2001-2010 (Finale)

Eljay: [looking over his Recap Review videos] After all these years, I’ve finished reviewing every canon Generation 1 Bionicle set. I’ve collected cool memorabilia, such as pens and hats. And now, I must come up with the perfect joke that every Bionicle fan will understand. [thinks for a moment] Perfect.

[a Microsoft Word document with the title “Bionicle Generation 2” is shown]

9-Epilogue

[Eljay is shown fastening his ■■■■■’s buttons while walking]

Good Guy: Oh God! No, please! Don’t do this! I’m too loveable to die!

[Eljay picks up Good Guy]

Good Guy: Please, noo!

[Eljay holds Good Guy over a fire and slowly throws him in; Good Guy is shown burning; Eljay leaves]

Well, I’m done with the Recap Reviews. Next, I’m gonna start transcribing the Recent Reviews, of the widely hated G2…

3 Likes

Now to start off the Recent Reviews, with the 2015 sets.

2015

1-Protector Of Jungle

Vizuna: [feeling his sensor tail vibrating] Oh no. Hey! You might not wanna stand there!

[Nuparu is ran over by Eljay’s ATV]

2-Lewa-Master Of Jungle

Lewa: [falling] Aaaahhhhh!!! [lands on the ground] Ow. That…stupid fog. Gah! My neck! I can’t move my neck!

3-Protector Of Water

Korgot: Hey, have you ever tried to use those to fly?

Kivoda: Well…

[fades into a flashback; Kivoda activates his water turbines and flies upward; however, he crashes into a wall and falls to the ground]

4-Gali-Master Of Water

Onua: Which of you can lift my hammer?

[Pohatu, Tahu, Kopaka, and Lewa all take turns trying to lift the hammer]

Lewa: Oh, c’mon, c’mon, c’mon, c’mon! Oh, c’mon!

[Gali approaches the hammer and successfully lifts it]

Onua: How are you used to lifting such a heavy weapon?

[Gali turns to look at her oversized trident]

5-Protector Of Stone

Korgot: Hey, mind if I check out that stone?

Nilkuu: No.

Korgot: But…but…

Nilkuu: No.

6-Pohatu-Master Of Stone

Pohatu: Ah, Gali. I love me some boomerangs.

[one of Pohatu’s boomerangs flies in and knocks him over]

7-Protector Of Fire

Narmoto: [falls onto his back with only his arm stumps] Oh! My arms!

[a dog regurgitates Narmoto’s hands]

Narmoto: Eh. Close enough.

8-Tahu-Master Of Fire

Tahu: Welcome. You likely already know me as I go by many names. Omega, Cool, Overpriced, but-there is a name I’m sure we can all agree on-Tahu, Master of Fi-

[Eljay turns off a light switch, powering off the electric fireplace behind Tahu]

Tahu: Wait. What do you mean, I can’t use my powers until I get my gold mask? I’m Tahu, Master of Fire, not background stoves! Gosh dang marketing.

9-Protector Of Earth

Vizuna: Hey. How’s the recoil on that cannon?

Korgot: Pretty good.

10-Onua-Master Of Earth

Onua: [flexing in a mirror] Oh yeah. Muscles, yeah!

Pohatu Mata: You know, Onua, you look like a football player now that you got that upgrade. We should play some Kolhi.

Onua: Okay.

[Onua and Pohatu Mata stand opposite each other with a Kolhi ball in between them]

Onua: [grunting as he tries to bend down] Darn you, CCBS muscles!

11-Protector Of Ice

Izotor: [pops up into frame] Wha-wha-wha-wha… [realizes there is no ice] What the heck am I supposed to protect now?

12-Kopaka-Master Of Ice

Eljay: And here we have Kopaka and Pohatu, two actors just relaxing after a long, hard shoot of Recent Reviews. Now that we’ve had Pohatu’s personality change in Generation 2, do you think they’ll ever have a conversation? Long and short answer: no.

13-Lord Of Skull Spiders

[“Warning Bionicle Spoilers Ahead! 0:47 To Avoid!” flashes across the screen]

Eljay: [reading from a Bionicle comic book] Hey guys. Do you remember that beat-down at Losgot at the end of Episode 8? The Bionicle web series?

[Lewa, Kopaka, and Tahu all beat up on the Lord of Skull Spiders; the Lord of Skull Spiders lands on a portion of the stone tower that breaks off and falls away]

Eljay: Wonder if that had been any different if he had been any kind of animal other than a spider. Like…what if he had been…the Lord of Dog Spiders!

[a plethora of Skull Spiders are shown surrounding a dog, with the Lord of Skull Spiders on the dog’s back]

Eljay: Not only did I contradict myself, that doesn’t work either. Back to the drawing board.

14-Bionicle 2015 Winter Wave

[Eljay is walking into the store; he comes across a shelf full of Bionicle sets; the Bionicle sets are warming the shelves]

Eljay: Nah, I don’t need this skit to be funny for this. This explains itself.

15-Skull Warrior

Eljay: [balancing an apple on top of his head} Skull Warrior, are you sure this is a good idea?

Skull Warrior: Of course I am. I saw a video about it!

[cuts to flashback of Skull Warrior watching a clip from The Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King; the clip depicts Legolas climbing onto and shooting at a Mumakil]

Legolas: Get three. [shoots an orc] Get four! [shoots another orc]

16-Skull Slicer

Skull Slicer: Darn it! Four arms and only one usable hand! Agh!

Eljay: [holding a sword with both hands attached to said sword] Hey! Stop whining! [grunts while trying to pull his hands off, then sighs]

17-Skull Basher

Onua: Oh boy. I’m so glad I bought this great new china. It’s gonna go right along with all the other pieces of the set. Oh boy. I hope there isn’t any bulls around here. Don’t wanna end up with a bull in a china shop. Remember that old saying? Oh, I’d better be careful.

Skull Basher: Hm, quite-quite, old shop. Oh, maybe we can go take it to my house, and we’ll have a delicious dinner with some brilliant tea, huh? For what? Sound good?

18-Skull Scorpio

Skull Scorpio: I can’t believe they moved their legs in the past!

Nui-Jaga: I can’t believe they moved their arms in the past!

Pohatu: Oh boy.

19-Mask Maker Vs. Skull Grinder

[all six Protectors are standing around a dying Ekimu, who is unmasked]

Ekimu: Ah, ah, prophecy! Uh…timeless heroes! [dies]

Vizuna: I can’t believe he’s dead.

Narmoto: He is not dead. He is merely in an endless sleep!

Kivoda: Endless sleep? Give-give me a second, I got this. [pours water on Ekimu]

Ekimu: [rises and gasps for breath] Oh, Protectors, great Protectors! You have awakened me! You heard my whispers and fulfilled the prophecy of heroes!

Kivoda: Oh, yeah, yeah, the Toa were great, you really should’ve been here and met them. Alright, so, uh, let’s go home!

[“And they all lived happily ever after” flashes across the screen]

20-Bionicle 2015 Summer Wave

[all the Skull villains are gathered together]

Skull Slicer: Do you guys know how Kulta gets so strong?

Skull Warrior: Yeah. He drinks a lot of milk. It builds strong…character!

Kulta: [holding a glass of milk] Ah, I feel like solving world hunger today.

21-Bionicle 2015

Tahu 2015: Can’t you see that I’m the best Tahu?

Tahu Mata: No! I’m the best Tahu!

Tahu Mistika: Amateurs.

3 Likes

After a much too long delay, here’s the 2016 transcripts.

2016

1-Gali and Akida

[Gali is staring out a window]

Lewa: Hey Gali. I’m really sorry to hear about your pet fish.

Gali: I don’t understand. I fed it, gave it lots of attention, took it out of its tank, wore it on my back, strapped large cannons to it, and used it as a hat. Where did I go wrong?

[Lewa is gone]

Gali: Wait, what? Where’d you go?

2-Pohatu and Ketar

Pohatu: I hate scorpions. Now I gotta bring back this one to unite. Granted, the others never did say I needed to bring back a live scorpion… [picks up a dead Ketar] Well, that was easy!

3-Lewa and Uxar

Lewa: [with Uxar on his back] Now that I have actual wings, I can fly forever!

[“5 minutes later” flashes across the screen]

Lewa: What do you mean, “tired after five minutes?” My weapons didn’t get tired!

4-Tahu and Ikir

Tahu: [with Ikir on his back] Yes. Polly does want a cracker!

5-Onua and Terak

Onua: [laughs like an idiot while hammering his weapon into the ground] You were right, Terak. This game of Whack-A-Mole is a lot of fun! [continues laughing and hammering; stops abruptly when he hits Terak] Terak! Oh no, Terak, no!

6-Kopaka and Melum

Kopaka: This tiny thing is my shield. Whatever happened to my large shield from last year? What do you mean, “budget cuts?”

7-Umarak the Hunter

Umarak: G’day, mates! I’m Umarak, the Okoto creature hunter! And today, we’re on lookout for elemental creatures. Why, you may ask? Well, certainly not for preservation, that’s for sure! Ha, ha. No, I’m hunting these creatures so I can strap them to my backs and hallucinate. It’s gonna be a good time! [pops out of frame]

8-Bionicle 2016 Winter Wave

[2015 Lewa is shown]

Eljay: Is your armor flat and boring? Are you unhappy with consistency? Then have we got the product for you.

[2016 Lewa is shown]

Eljay: Introducing…greebles. Complex and complicated bumps and pistons!

Tahu: Before greebles, I had no abs, no neck, and no friends. [upgrades to greebles] But after greebles, I’ve got complicated-looking armor, an awesome neck, and tons of gold!

Eljay: Go out and grab your visual inconsistency today with greebles. Buy it now!

9-Ekimu The Mask Maker

Ekimu: I am Takanuva, Toa of Light. [looks off-camera] Wait, what do you mean, “wrong line?”

10-Lava Beast

Eljay: There. Burgers are ready. Hup-gotta put some salt over the shoulder and blind the devil! Aha. [throws salt over his shoulder] Alright.

Lava Beast: [grabbing at his eyes] Nnnnngggghhhhhhh!!!

11-Storm Beast

[Eljay is crawling on his hands and knees in Po-Koro]

Eljay: It’s too hot! Storm Beast, where are you? [faints]

[Storm Beast is relaxing with sunglasses and a glass of lemonade on a beach chair]

12-Quake Beast

[Eljay is strolling when he suddenly feels a tremor]

Eljay: What-what-ah! [looks down] Quake Beast! Did you do that?

Quake Beast: I didn’t do that. We live in California.

[Eljay and Quake Beast both scream while running aimlessly in fear]

13-Umarak the Destroyer

Umarak: Alright. Now, with this exercise equipment, I will become large, and strong, and buff, to finally defeat the Toa. [grunts while trying to lift weights] Okay, screw this, I’m just gonna turn to mask drugs. [rises in his new form] Yes! It worked!

14-Bionicle 2016 Summer Wave

Eljay: This is my cat. His name is Beastie. [puts Storm Beast’s mask on Beastie’s head] Now he is Storm Beastie. [the mask falls off] Okay, or maybe not. [tries to put Lava Beast’s mask on Beastie] Now he’s Lava- [Beastie raises his head] Gosh dang it. [puts Lava Beast’s mask on Beastie’s head] He’s Lava Beastie. [the mask falls off] And finally, his ultimate form- [puts Quake Beast’s mask on Beastie] This was stupid.

15-Generation 2 Collectibles

Speeder: Hi. My name is Speeder, and I’m a caffeine-a-holic.

[the camera pans over to Eljay]

Eljay: Uh, my name’s Eljay. And I am a mask-a-holic. [slathers his face with mask collectible bags]

16-Journey To One Makuta

Makuta: Ha, ha, ha. I, Makuta, leader of the Shadow Horde, am finally free!

Eljay: Oh, Makuta. That’s not what you are.

Makuta: Huh?

Eljay: Yeah. You’re cancelled. [kicks Makuta]

17-Ekimu Falcon

Gali: So you’re the creature of light.

[“No, just an old Hawk, here to help” flashes across the screen as translation for the Ekimu Falcon’s screeches]

18-Bionicle 2016

Eljay: Hey everyone. Here I am, showing you my 2016 Bionicle collection. As we can see here, it’s a, you know, fairly standard, and-uh-oh what’s this? Oh yeah, this is the place where I put my Makuta set. You know-IF WE EVER GOT ONE!

19-Bionicle 2015-2016

Eljay: Finally, after all these delays, I have reviewed every canon Generation 2 Bionicle set. I’ve even collected cool memorabilia, such as posters and shirts! And now, I must come up with the perfect joke that every Bionicle fan will understand. [thinks for a minute] Perfect.

[a shot of Eljay’s computer screen, a Microsoft Word document titled “Bionicle Generation 2,” is shown]

4 Likes

Now to start the Retired Reviews. I don’t know how long it’ll take for me to get all these done, but here’s the 2005 ones to start with.

Bionicle Playsets-2005

1-Visorak’s Gate

Eljay: Introducing…Visorak’s Gate. Bigger. Badder.

Visorak’s Gate: [to Nuju] Hey Toa, you are ugly.

Nuju: You’re mean!

Eljay: And…bolder. [throws boulders at the Visorak’s Gate]

2-Visorak Battle Ram

Eljay: [tries to open a locked door] Gosh dang it, not again! It keeps on getting stuck, and I can’t get in. [holds up the Visorak Battle Ram] But I brought my trusty battering ram. K. Let’s try this. [bangs the Battle Ram against the door three times; this weakens the door, allowing Eljay to open it] Perfect. Works like a charm.

3-Tower Of Toa

Eljay: [holding the set’s instruction manual] Who in the world has a giant tower with their face plastered all over it? I mean, who in the world has that kind of an ego? I mean, seriously, Dume, come on!

[Eljay puts down the instruction manual and sees that he has a picture of himself, along with wooden letters spelling out his name, hanging on the wall]

4-Battle Of Metru Nui

Matau: Hey, Onewa.

Onewa: Yeah?

Matau: Have you ever heard of the curse of Lhikan’s Hau?

[Onewa stares]

Matau: They say that anyone that touches or interacts in any way with the Hau worn by Toa Lhikan will suffer a grim and gruesome fate.

Onewa: Well, in that case, let me ask you a question, Matau.

[the camera zooms out, showing that Matau and Onewa are standing in front of the Metru Nui gateway]

Onewa: Why in the world did we make the entrance to the Coliseum a giant Lhikan Hau?

5-Bionicle Playsets 2005

[the camera shows a normal Lego minifigure]

Eljay: The minifigure. A design crafted for perfection, through the trials of innovation, with a modest seven points of articulation. The minifigure replicates the human experience in a Lego form. And now, new from Lego Bionicle, the Bionicle minifigure.

[the Vakama minifigure is shown as a farting noise is heard; the camera pans up to show the normal minifigure with a frightened expression]

4 Likes

Here we go with the 2006 playsets.

1-Piraka Outpost

Nektann: Father?

Fenrakk: Son!

Eljay: [swinging a sword] Die!

2-Lava Chamber Gate

Nuparu: Hey Hewkii! We’re gonna go surfing! C’mon, man!

Hewkii: Ya, sure thing, bro! Let me get my surfboard! [grunts while trying to lift his heavy surfboard that has a Zamor Sphere launcher attached to it]

3-Race For The Mask Of Life

Eljay: [holding the set’s box] Oh man, I’ve finally got my hands on this one! This is really cool. What-what-what’s that say? Exclusive lava surfing vehicles? [gasps] It-doesn’t say that it doesn’t work on lava! Not like all those other stupid Lego boats that apparently don’t float! Guess this means I gotta put this to the test! [walks out the door] Mom, I’m going to Hawaii!

4-Piraka & Catapult and Give Away

[a shot of the Good Guy/Bad Guys sets is shown]

Eljay: Are you a fan of Bionicle promos? Maybe you’re a Good Guy fan! Maybe you love those sick masks! Well, in 2006, be prepared for…three guys and a rock!

5-Piraka Stronghold

TV Commercial: The Toa put the fortress under fire and storm the gate! But they’ve forgot one thing: it’s…alive!

Eljay: [looks at the screen quizzically] Hey Piraka Stronghold! Um-are you alive?

Piraka Stronghold: No.

Eljay: Oh. Okay. Thanks. Cool. [slaps thigh] What the-

6-Bionicle Playsets 2006

Eljay: Alright. We need a way to show consumers that these new Bionicle sets are…Bionicle.

Corporate Executive: Hm…why not put “Bionicle” on the box?

Eljay: Nah, nah.

Corporate Executive: Maybe take the two masks from the Titans and dump them all over the playsets?

Eljay: Oh my goodness, you’re a genius! But won’t they notice?

Corporate Executive: We’ll just distract them with the Piraka Rap.

Eljay: Hit it.

3 Likes

Now for the 2007 playset reviews.

1-Barraki Deepsea Patrol

Beatles Band Member: C’mon, fellow Beatles. Let’s make our way to our yellow submarine! [turns around and sees that the yellow submarine is missing from its display stand] What? Our yellow submarine isn’t here! Where could it have gone?

Hewkii: [driving the yellow submarine] Heh. This yellow submarine is way better than that blue thingamajig I had before. Second, heh heh heh.

2-Toa Undersea Attack

Pridak: Hurry! The Toa Mahri are getting away with the Mask of Life! Quick! Get on your Rahi steeds! We must make haste!

Takadox: C’mon, c’mon, move! Oh, why’d I pick the one Rahi without articulated joints?

3-Toa Terrain Crawler

Hewkii: Hey Hahli! We found this crazy Rahi that’s outfitted with all these Cordak blasters and arms and robotics! We’re gonna use it to ride down the cord to beat the Barraki! Let’s go!

Hahli: Hewkii, I don’t believe that we should be using Rahi to aid us in our fight against the Barraki. It’s not right.

Hewkii: Oh, uh, sorry. We thought you’d be super stoked, because it looked exactly like you, like it’s wearing a giant Faxon.

Hahli: Looks just…like me? Giant Faxon…get in!

[the Toa Terrain Crawler speeds down the cord]

Intercom: Deep sea descent in progress.

4-Bionicle Playsets 2007

[Pridak, Kalmah, Takadox, Mantax, and Ehlek are all gathered, in their minifigure forms]

Pridak: Thank you for gathering today. I’m glad we could all make it- [looks around] Wait. We’re missing someone.

Carapar: Uh, hello? Uh, hello? Where is everyone? Oh! Hey Tren Krom!

[Carapar is vaporized]

5-Bionicle Playsets 2005-2007

[“Face Me” plays as the camera pans across the 2005 playsets; when the camera pans over the 2006 playsets, “Face Me” plays again; when the camera reaches the 2007 playsets, “Face Me” plays again]

Whew, there we go. Now I just gotta get around to the Slizers/Throwbots reviews.

3 Likes

Finally, the Retired Reviews for the Slizers/Throwbots.

1-Torch

Eljay: Oh man, it’s so dark out here. Well, good thing I brought my torch. [holds up Torch]

2-Ski

Ski: Now that summer is over, I can now go skiing down the snowy slopes. Oh, wait [sees the hills covered in leaves] I forgot it’s still fall.

3-Turbo

Eljay: Good afternoon. Do you know why I pulled you over?

[Turbo is parked on the side of the road]

4-Scuba

[Eljay is holding Scuba under a running tap with a washcloth placed on Scuba’s face]

Eljay: C’mon, tell me what we wanna know! Give up the information! C’mon! Why isn’t this working? [throws the washcloth off Scuba] Oh. That just figures. [throws Scuba into the sink]

5-Jet

[a model of a military jet is shown]

Eljay: When I think of “jet,” this is generally what I’m thinking about. You know, this is a jet. No propellers, it’s got twin engines, and a bunch of gas tanks, and what have you. So…can anyone tell me- [holds up Jet] -what was Lego thinking when they named this thing “Jet?”

6-Amazon

Eljay: [holding Amazon] Did you know that this set was so popular in 1999, that they named an entire website after it?

[the Amazon logo is shown]

7-Granite

[Ketar is thrown to the ground]

Ketar: Ow! What-what are you?

Granite: I’m you, but better.

8-Electro

Eljay: [wearing a Spider-Man mask] Well, well, well, if it isn’t my old archnemesis, Electro.

[the camera zooms in on Electro]

9-Millennium Slizer

Eljay: Ah, I’m really excited to review this next Slizer. Although, I-I don’t remember what it’s called. Millennium-something. Millennium…

[the camera pans up to show a Lego Millennium Falcon]

Eljay: Oh, gosh dang it, not again-

10-Flare

[Eljay is sitting in his truck’s driver’s seat; his car has broken down]

Eljay: Oh, dang it! Truck stopped on the side of the road. [sighs] Better let people know I’m here. [holds up Flare] Good thing I brought a flare! [gets out of his truck]

11-Spark

Eljay: [gets into his truck’s driver’s seat] Well, no wonder the truck won’t start, heh. [holds up Spark] Spark plugs are bad. [tosses Spark aside]

12-Blaster

[a couple of NERF guns are shown]

Eljay: Hey everyone. As you might have noticed throughout several videos I’ve been in, I have quite an extensive collection of blasters on my back wall. They all do all sorts of things. [points at a NERF gun] Some of them snipe, [points at another one] some of them are automatic, [points to Blaster] and some throw disks.

13-Slizers/Throwbots 1999-2000

Eljay: When I was a young boy, my parents were killed in an alleyway, and I was bitten by a radioactive throwbot. Now I fight crime in the rural streets of Idaho. Who am I, you might ask? I am… [jumps out wearing every Slizer storage container on his belt and bandolier] Slizer-Man! And my powers? [throws the containers in a garbage can] Throwing this theme in the trash.

Whew, that’s the last of them. You might be wondering if I’m gonna transcribe the Random Reviews or the Remixed Reviews. Well, the thing is, I only want to do transcripts for series that are actually finished. Eljay hasn’t even reached the halfway point for his Remixed Reviews. He has said that each new review will come out every month of this year, with each year of Bionicle combination/alternate models getting an episode. And there are seven more reviews to go, so…yeah.

And the Random Reviews…well, they’re called Random for a reason. They’re just Eljay reviewing whatever. It can never be said that those are “finished,” so I don’t know how I’d feel about doing that series. But, I mean, if you guys want me to do it, then I’ll do it. And I can post transcripts of the Remixed Reviews that have been released so far, if you like.

2 Likes

After some consideration, I decided to go ahead and post transcripts of @Eljay 's Random Review skits that have been released so far. So here you go.

1-Sand Tarakava (replica)

Pohatu: G’day, mates, Pohatu here. Today on Rahi Hunter, we’re looking for the dangerous Tarakava. [turns to see a blue Tarakava and a sand green Tarakava] These seafaring creatures love to just lurk in the water, waiting for prey to go overhead. And then they strike! But today, we’re looking to see if we can find some in their natural habitat. Let’s go!

[Pohatu approaches the Tarakava]

Pohatu: Alright, crikey. We found some Tarakava. We can see these two over here. We’re just going to wait and wait. Looks like they’re gonna just standing there like statues. Alright, well, we’d better not get too close, otherwise it may end badly for us. So let’s go ahead and get out of here. [leaves] Alright, guys, that’s a wrap, let’s go ahead and get on out of here. And- [notices something to his right] Aw, heck.

[a sand Tarakava is seen looming over Pohatu]

Pohatu: What in tarnation? No one ever told me there were three! I thought they only had two of them! So stay calm, everybody! Stay calm!

2-Bionicle Power Pack (unopened)

[Narmoto is shooting at the Skull Spiders while Tahu jumps off the edge of the bridge and surfs down the lava]

Tahu: Yah! I…can…feel…the POWER!

[Tahu surfs to the center of the lava pool, where the Bionicle Power Pack is sitting on a stone island; Narmoto turns around to see Tahu grab the power pack]

3-Chameleon Hunter from Exo-Force

Eljay: Good day, everyone, welcome. Today I’m looking for the Chameleon Hunter, a mech known to be in forested areas just like this one. [gestures at the tree he’s standing next to] Now, you can see I’ve found him right here- [sees that the Chameleon Hunter isn’t where he’s indicating and slaps his thigh in disappointment] Great. It was here just a minute ago, I swear. Now I gotta go find another one.

[fade into a shot where the Chameleon Hunter is peeking out through the tree’s branches]

4-Platinum Avohkii and RSG Noble Avohkii

Two men: Bonk review!

5-2002 Inflatable Nuva Cube (Lego Bionicle Employee Promo

Eljay: [holding the Nuva Cube] Hey bro, did you see this? [throws the Nuva Cube]

Bro: [grabs the Nuva Cube] Aw, that’s pretty cool. I didn’t know they made promo materials for the 2016 sets. Nice!

Eljay: 2016? That’s from 2002, those are the-tha Nuva symbols from ‘02.

Bro: No, these are the symbols from 2016, right? Yeah, now let’s be honest, G2 was my favorite part of Bionicle. [throws the Nuva Cube back to Eljay]

Eljay: [catches the Nuva Cube and inhales deeply]

[cut to a shot of Eljay digging a grave for Bro while Bro lies dead in the foreground]

6-Nick Bluetooth (unopened)

Person 1: [playing with Galidor toys] This is the end for you, Gore! Oh, is it? Your ippities never told you what happened to your father. He told me enough! He told me you killed him! No. You are your father! Wait, what?

Person 2: [comes out from behind the curtain] Pat, your patent’s gonna fight for this!

Person 1: [tries to hide his Galidor toys] Knock next time! What did you see?

Person 2: I didn’t see anything, Pat. I didn’t see you playing with your dolls again.

Person 1: They’re not dolls, they’re ACTION FIGURES!

Person 2: Yes, Pat.

7-April Fool’s 2020

Eljay: Ah, what a beautiful start to the day, and a beautiful start to this new month. So I guess my question for all of you is, [holds up the green brick-built Hau] Hau are you doing? [laughs]

So yeah. There you are. I have transcribed the skits for the Remixed Reviews that have been released thus far, but I’m gonna wait till the Remixed Reviews are finished before I post the skit transcripts on here. And if any more Random Reviews are uploaded…well, then I’ll add those, too. :wink:

2 Likes

TTV has already made gag reel videos for all of g1 and g2. :grin:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JFweddOsPJs&t=1s

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It’s great that they have compilations of the skits. But there’s just something fun about having written-out transcripts.

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