Transformers: Enemies Out Of The Shadows

Creative Content Literature
#1

I stole the title from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, fight me

This is the prologue for an RP I’m doing

The War

“Fall back” Ordered a decepticon sergeant
“I will not let decades of fighting end so quickly!” Yelled a commander
“Then we will die trying!” yelled the sergeant
“Know your place seargent, or it will bite you in the back!” Growled the commander, the sergeant sighed and ran into the base
“Follow me!” He said to his squad of 20, they followed him into the last ship, they fleed as the commander went down with the base

The Crash

“Sarge, we are crashing!” yelled the pilot
“Where are we?” Asked a trooper
“This planet seems to be known as… Earth” Said the pilot, confused “They have very different customs to us, Sarge, Sarge!”
“Oh no he’s dead, looks like one of us has to take command!” Smiled the same trooper “Now these humans really are different”
“We could disguise ourselves as these things here!” Smiled another trooper
“You’re right, I’m choosing that one!” The trooper smirked, pointing to a Dodge Charger R/T
(this)

image.png1366×668 346 KB

“Well you do you!” Smirked the pilot

1 Like
#2

Alright, generally speaking we don’t allow WIP stuff on the boards, and this feels excessively like a WIP. Especially because it is for an RP, this is the kind of stuff I would say should generally be a part of the RP draft itself.

However, it’s not necessarily breaking any rules so I’ll let it stay.

One thing I will say is that this is super barebones. There’s really nothing here to suggest any kinds of characters or what’s going on other than some back and forth dialogue and basically snippets from two “chapers.” If I were you, I would work to flesh this out, especially if you want it to act as a prologue. If this were any other story this would be a paragraph out of what should be at least a few pages.

Bear in mind as well, that your writing style and skill generally set the tone for whatever RP you plan to play. If you can’t draw people into the world and make them interested in it, they won’t play. Or worse, they’ll second guess your ability to run the game.

4 Likes
#3

This isn’t really much of a story as it lacks a middle or an end, and it holds very little substance as a beginning. The beginning of a story is meant to establish the basics of the world. More so than just the setting, the characters, and the conflict, but a sense of what the stories tone will be. You introduce two characters, but they might as well be labeled genericons one and two. You haven’t established them as characters, but as mere set peices. You say that they had landed on earth, but you don’t describe where on earth they are, what the place they are looks like, and why the heck there’s a car just there for the scanning. When you talk about the crash, you write it as a minor inconvenience, just glossing over the event for an explanation for why they are on earth. You could have made your work stronger by describing the crash in detail, the ship entering the earth’s atmosphere, the pilot’s desperate gambit to touch down on land when the planet is mostly water, the violent impact of the ship crashing into the soil. Instead, you just say, [quote=“MistikaFan, post:1, topic:48456”]
Sarge, we are crashing
[/quote]
And never mention it again. You don’t even talk about how they exited the craft.

For the battle in the first half, the only real way that anyone would have known it was a battle was entirely due to the dialog. You say that the battle is being lost and that the base had gone down, but you don’t give any sort of context as to how the battle is flowing, who’s fighting, or any other sort of world building info.

This work just suffers from a lack of establishing detail, instead vaugly describing it in dialog.

2 Likes
#4

I should probably get out of this habit, I’ll probably just add an even barer bones one into the rp

LOL! True, I’m a terrible writer

Just close it, there’s nothing here worth keeping

#5