It’s impossible to tell if the lad here actually has extra eyes, but I like the solution to the description of wire-like fingers by stuffing his hands full of fingers. Also somewhat concerning is how his shoulders and waist are the same diameter when his arms and legs are so spindly, which may have been a conscience choice on your part or perhaps not.
Also his right foot seems to go too far forward to the point where the heel wouldn’t actually connect.
Overall, unique take on the-
oh.
It’d be interesting to see one of the hardcore theorists comb through all descriptions of books to decipher his true appearance, since that’ll be changing in the fourth book.
Yeah, they’re there, although really small because of how I structured the face.
That’s intentional. By distorting the proportions I wanted to emphasise how decidedly inhuman the character is.
I think that his limbs (at least arms) have been described as incredibly long and spindly, right?
Our right or his right? They’re both so terrible that I can’t tell which one is drawn more incorrectly.
That’s one thing that, while I don’t mean to bring offense to your tremendous artwork thus far, I haven’t been able to understand in terms of a design choice.
Ghid was originally created with the G2 Akaku, despite me having been a Bionicle fan since 2003 and prior self-mocs that utilized the original Akaku design. Ever since his initial conceptualization, however, I’ve gone back and forth from portraying him as having an extremely Akaku-like face and a more organic, noseless, alien-esqe head which has influenced a lot of other Ghid artwork. Still grounded in human anatomy, but always bizarre enough that any alteration could theoretically still be possible.
Then I ran into a significant problem: Ghid has two giant extra eyeballs on the side of his head. Temporarily there was a design for Ghid that simply had them floating on the right side of his head, and they could even act as drones to search about and let Ghid see things from a great distance, but this design was a bit silly and didn’t stay around for very long.
Ever since that point I’ve tried to, in theory, with anatomical concepts that can’t physically exist, somewhat rationalize the anatomical makeup of Ghid’s skull to attempt to comprehend the fusion of extra looky orbs enough so it doesn’t keep me up at night, but - and circling back now, I promise - your design choice for this iteration and the mads mikkelsen Ghid is to just draw a normal skull, overlay it with Ghid-ish features, and then tack two extra eyes on over the cheekbone and orbital socket of the right eye. It’s not a bad design by any means, but I’ve never understood it.
Ja. I was just uncertain if it was intentional or not.
His. The left one is posed correct and good, but the right one is too far forwards in terms of how it lines up with the bone of the leg.
yknow for someone who can’t draw good anatomy at all I sure do seem overly knowledgeable on the subject; is this making me look hypocritical?
so I’m going to skim through this topic for anything else related to me because my attention span is limited
I love this phrase
if you think he’s edgy know, you should have seen him in 2014
I haven’t expanded on his G1 story in years because I’m not sure how to fix the mistakes I made then
(also I will take “breathing filter of sorts”, but if you wanted to know, he took a fire punch to the jaw that dislocated something and now he can’t wear Kanohi anymore. The conduit mask mitigates the fatigue that Toa feel without a Kanohi.)
you got the Hawkflight seal of approval on that MOC just by virtue of making a black and silver self-MOC remotely cool
this is actually quite in character and I might start using it and figure out why
I continue to stress how much I love this description
you’re going to have to explain that one
he’s always been an Inika build or taller
which, by definition, does not make it a bare metru head, and that’s not withstanding the hood
when six Turaga combine, it’s a Turaga Nui
if the next Jethryn is revealed to be a Cat Nui it’s all your fault
I don’t know if I can take any more all of these backstories sound more interesting than the one I wrote for the character in high school
this narrator must have been Amish in a past life
I actually go by my middle name (“Steven”), by virtue of people (mostly older folks) consistently forgetting my first name and coming out with sounds-likes. This is gold.
well, it was Jetera in my G2 story
have you ever read my critiques? Those are very far down the list also he doesn’t know what Hero Factory is because I haven’t worked my version of RaptorTalon into the story
this doesn’t fit Jethryn’s character but maybe it should
stop inspiring me
to be fair, he didn’t know
fun fact - there was a version of Jethryn that never progressed past the legs
I posted a teaser picture of him (from the pre-TTV days), but I did attach a top half… of another MOC who used a custom mask built around a Metru head
I guess when they separated, his legs were jealous of his torso for not getting as many comments over the years about how bad they were.
I thought he was already in half
and thus this character inherited Jethryn’s edgy backstory
why did I have to write this character when I was sixteen
could be one’s Jethryn and one’s Jetera. Could be one’s the Jethryn V4 that I posted and one’s the Jethryn V4 that never progressed past the legs. Could be one’s the secret identity I thought Jethryn might have at one point.
there’s something about this sentence I don’t like
there’s something about this sentence I also don’t like
but there’s nothing about this sentence I don’t like.
do you have Discord?
at least the most modern version of Jethryn isn’t as bulky as he was in 2014
anyway
wild ride
on the lack of any other good characterization for Jethryn out there aside from a few D&D oneshots where I’ve adapted the character and also considering Jetera a separate character this is the best and I might actually want to make a new version of him now
also you can use Jetera in the next one if you want Jethryn to stay dead
The why is because there was a little man underneath you
You really need to reread things man Jethryn’s character design is vaguely interesting in this
that was referring to Tott, the main character of the book. There were theories going around that he was actually a cat as he was one of two people not initially identified as boards members (the other one being Fifty).
look man how else was I supposed to very blatantly point out the silver figure’s identity when I don’t know how to write properly ugh smh
I can see you’ve been touched by the butt wings
ooc that, you cretins, I dare you
uhhhhh fourth
so he could get ripped in half twice and converted into soup in current year
Man you really need to reread things
I’m glad you’re picking up on all my sources of inspiration but you really gotta dedicate more time to tormenting yourself with my literary scares
I made this design choice because I’m not very comfortable with drawing decidedly inhuman faces.
This is… exactly what my thought process was when I was drawing Mads Ghidkelsen and Anime Ghid.
I was quite dissatisfied with both designs, so I decided to fix the eye problem in this new one.
I considered a few options:
To add the extra eyes to the side of the head like you usually do
To stuff all three eyes in one eyesocket
To turn the right side of Ghid’s face into a horrendous lovecraftian mess with no reliance on anatomy
Option one was too silly for the vibe I was going for and options two and three were legitimately too creepy and disturbing, so I went with a kinda boring, but actually appropriate design.
Although the three eyes in one eyesocket idea is slowly growing on me. Maybe I’ll try to make it work when I start drawing the other book covers (covers for books two, three and maybe four confirmed!)
That’s rough buddy!
I thought that my SelfMOC whose special ability literally tears him apart from the inside every time he tries to use it was edgy… clearly, I knew nothing about real edginess
You don’t wanna know…
You mean “it’s all your achievement”?
Heeeeey that’s such a fun coincidence!
Ghid tell him it was intentional
Unfortunately for everyone including myself, yes.
It’s because you tried to convince me to support your spicy FNAF fanfics
Well consider Ghid a challenge. Try to imagine how an alien skull comprised of mostly large teeth and separated orbital bones for the side eyes would function given our human understanding of anatomy. Extra muscle mass on the side of the head, different formation of the temple to allow the cavity to rest properly, and much like real Ghid, he would need to have small brain.
well uh
called it?
Maybe this will come off as rude, but I really can’t see the difference. I’m working on something of a Ghid sketch to reflect my idea of how he appears; maybe if I actually finish that it might help.
Although I can’t draw hands so I kinda screwed the sketch up; maybe I should remake it digitally and send it that way
Oh gosh please no
There have been many Ghid head sculpt concepts over the years but I doubt that will be one that functions properly by the nature of stuffing three eyeballs into one socket (and also I don’t know how you could do that and not have it automatically combine with option 3)
although you give me some ideas… stay tuned.
I think what you meant to say was “crawl into ghid”
cough HACK Yes you see um despite my confes- I mean alleged statement earlier about possessing small brain I actually do have the greatest brain capacity of anything living or dead is purely coincidental care or dentalcare is the maintenance of healthy teeth and may refer to:
Oral hygiene, the practice of keeping the mouth and teeth clean in order to prevent dental disorders
Dentistry, the professional care of teeth, including professional oral hygiene and dental surgery
Oral Surgery, any of a number of medical procedures that involve artificially modifying dentition; in other words, surgery of the teeth and jaw bones
“Dental Care”, a 2009 song by Owl City on the album Ocean Eyes
Yeah, I came up with the “Tott is a cat” theory on the spot due to the mention of cat latches and a whole bunch of other stuff lining up with it. It was silly, but then it caught on and spiraled out of control.
Mata Nui I just noticed this, I was so close to the Truth
also I’m gonna try and critique book four like I did the first chapters of book three I Tottaly intended to review the rest of the chapters but then life happened and I blinked and you had like twenty chapters.
I didn’t even mention that was during the fight against his former team leader, who was racist towards Karzahni’s rebuilt Matoran and incited a race war that killed Jethryn’s technically-not-love-interest. Also when Jethryn committed his first murder.
While “naivety” is a valid spelling, given the nature of the narrator, I feel like “naivete” would fit Tott’s pompous arrogance more.
I like this. Totally in character for him to break to describe a character and then say sorrynotsorry.
This feels like such a cat-like thing to say.
I love this foreshadowing. One of the great things about going through and reading this now is seeing all the little stuff like this.
Yeeeeesss.
This seems unnecesarry to include here, since it kinda doesn’t wind up happening or being brought up again.
But isn’t Tott wearing a mask? Wouldn’t that provide some amount of protection? You also later have him clarify “face, er, mask” in chapter 8.
Chapter 5
It’s a little clunky to just say “gaining” with no subject.
“seemed to?”
Wouldn’t one generally have a pretty good idea of whether they themselves have a greater understanding? Even if he’s not sure what to do with this information, he has it, so it seems odd to say “seemed to”.
This may be a bit nitpicky, but the way that this is worded makes it sound like he’s snapping to a pose because of the gun having fired, almost as if he’s not in control of it. “Firing the gun at that very moment”, using a more active tone instead of passive, seems more fitting (in my opinion).
?
So, let me try to interpret this sentence. Diero ejects the bullet shells next to Tott’s head, and then the bullet shells fly past him toward the pursuing Cephalopod? Or is there a part of this sentence missing?
This definitely could stand to be rewritten a bit.
Where did his other pair come from? did I miss something from the first three chapters?
The future is a liar?
*lay ahead
Chapter 6
Since the story is in past tense, wouldn’t this be “as they proceeded?”
Present tense proceed works, but it feels a bit jarring to have sudden PresTen.
Also man this chapter is short.
Aren’t expressions generally what you use to read emotion, not the other way around?
Chapter crutch
Again with jumping back and forth between present and past tense.
“cold hard” doesn’t really get hyphenated.
Chapter Infinity sideways
Shouldn’t the “a” not be here?
Cats have claws. I’m telling you, this has to be intentional.
Also, you just used the word “desperately” in the previous sentence, so it’s a little repetitive.
A) I really like this, it’s perfect and in-character.
B) I get what you’re trying to say, but it sounds like Tott is saying being short effects his memory.
Chapter Nein
Some hyphens or commas around “I think his name was”, while not necessary, would make this sentence a bit easier to read
You never call him “Jens”. All five remaining Galidor fans are disappointed in you.
It took me a moment to recognize what’s going on here. “Bolting the door behind us” makes it sound like Tott was part of the group leaving, and Jens bolted the door shut behind them, but then they’re still in the room. Perhaps “behind him”?
chapter io
You already said this earlier. I get that it’s a transition to Tott’s emotion; perhaps using different wording instead of “emotion” would feel less repetitive?
Chaper stilts
for a second I thought you were talking about the poor sap who owned the house standing menacingly there.
The infinite void of space is impossible to comprehend.
Uh, I mean…
This mention of a kid comes so out of nowhere that I thought R was about to punch Tott until the next paragraph. Something like “here they were, along with a kid cromeboy was about two seconds from…” would read a lot clearer.
…does the fact that he doesn’t remember how he got to Monopoly’s home ever come up again?
Cheaper by the Chapter
Hi Rukah.
If you cut off a character mid-sentence to describe them talking, don’t end the sentence with a period; connect it with a comma.
Baker's Chapter
I just want to take a moment to acknowledge that this is one of my favorite chapters. The reveal of Tott’s true nature, the deer joke, the little details with so much significance, from the dropped match to the Jethryn lower halkf grabbing Cordax to the forgotten warhead.
That said, I gotta nitpick.
This is an issue that’s been bothering me since I first read this chapter: the fact that the abilities of a Dreamer seem unclear. Both R and now Diero have said that they can “perform written orders, and no one but another dreamer can stop them.” Yet it seems no one can defy them irregardless of orders, based on the grabbing of Cordax, unless Jericho’s lower half had some sort of orders I missed. The fight(s) between Diero and Monopoly also seem to affirm this. There’s also never any acknowledement of the “dreams” ability
Basically: I think I get it, but it was certainly a bit misleading at first.
This seems way stronger than Tott has demonstrated so far in this story.
The transition from one action to something completely disconnected with no comma to separate and just the connecting word “and” is rather jarring.
I’m so proud
Chapter 14
Given what Tott just revealed/said, shouldn’t “alive” be in quotation marks?
Feels like there should be some mention of the fact that this is the same shoulder that got shot earlier.
Chapter is
But I thought Jethryn was already in half?
Okay, seriously though: given the ramble-y nature of your narrator, it seems perfectly fitting to have some mention of the fact that Jimbob’s upper half got ripped (nearly) in half.
Oh, you sneaky Bohrok.
Chapter 16
I thought Diego was the Anodize Airhead? Or has Tott just decided to use it as a general insult.
Hey guys, Ghid is ticklish.
So, what was the point of the entire warhead plotline? Diero takes it, then just leaves it at Monopoly’s house, and it seems to have no significance whatsoever?
It feels a little strange for this to come up now, since it hasn’t been brought up before.
So, is this two different people, or the same person? It’s really bizzarely cut. At the very least, maybe cut out the quote mark at the end of the first line so it’s clear that the second one is a continuation?
chapter something-or-other
Wouldn’t it be more appropriate to say “attack him at once”, given that Diero doesn’t really rush so much as shoot?
Correct me if I’m wrong, but Renner didn’t really do that? Diero just kinda dropped him after getting orders from R, and then Diro grabbed Tott and jumped off a rocket?
Chapter adult content
Okay, I don’t have much to say about this chapter. I was gonna point out that it isn’t clear that the guy at the end is Ghid, but you’ve already acknowledged that, so… Poodles.
Wait! Hang on, future Willess is typing now (aka the me from a few hours later who’s currently on Chapter 26)
Later on in the story, there’s references to stubb being written “on the wall”, and I was super confused because Chronicler’s arm clearly wrote this on a notepad it’s mentioned right here. I only just realized he only took the pen.
This isn’t a critique, I just wanted to point out that I’m an idiot.
Chapter 19
Isn’t that what happened to Tott himself earlier when he fell off the rocket with Diego? Surprised that isn’t being mentioned.
Chptr 20
This is the best part of the whole book, even better than Chapter 13
Ghid has a bell for a neck?
You dork.
This is actually really useful for keeping track of who’s where.
Chapter 21
Since this was recently pointed out to me: Lead is present tense and bullet powder, Led is past tense and tiny lights.
Okay I was listening to “take back the Night” right as I got to this part, that’s eerie.
Chapter this year
How and why does Tott do this? This dome is supposed to contain radiation, but Tott shatters it so easily? And to what end?
Chapter 23
So, do they ever recover from this? Was Fifty lying, or did the revival cure them?
Do dreamers bound to a host need permission to kill people?
I know someone already pointed this out, but it really sounds like Cordax’s knife is in his own forehead.
Chapter 24
Wait why is he suddenly the Monopony?
(I have been waiting for an opportunity to use that pun. Please shoot me again)
It’s good to know I’m not the only one mispelling Diego’s name.
Chapter 25
I just want to mention that this chapter starts to fall into what Sonus was talking about, where things feel like they’re happening in a black void. It’s wierd, since the scenery up until now has been decently well described, but here… I kinda forgot where they were for a bit. The halls of the Cider Factory? And then they fall in a hole… somewhere?
Some nitpicks:
This sentence is… bizarre. I think maybe it would work better if “things” was plural?
you Forgot To Capitalize monopoly There.
Chapter 26
You ever wonder why we’re here? It’s one of life’s greatest mysteries, isn’t it?
Shapter 27
Okay this one’s funny.
Hey, is Renner a Skakdi?
present tense: as jarring as ever
I love this. I love that you don’t just spell out what happened here, and let the eater-- er, reader figure it out.
Chatper 28
Okay but it sounds like Cordax is the one talking at first.
Chapter 29
This is clever
Chapter 30
This chapter is filled with so many reveals and twists, it’s great. I just want to highlight some of my
being vague and unclear with my threats clearly works out
chair
you assume I was aware of that word before you mentioned it? clearly you overvalue my thesaurus
Book four will be a treat.
It never did get mentioned in regards to details, but Jethryn did leave the party at that point and mysteriously reunite at the tower, no explanation given. I like to think he pretended to go check and took a nap for a few minutes until he was needed.
Protection, yes, but when smothered by the stunned body of a deadsperado, one mask does not alleviate much of the weight or smothering. Especially when you’re as small as Tott.
fife
Can’t really communicate a greater answer there because it’s based on a twist that has yet to be fully grasped by the readers thus far. I had thought the groundwork was well enough laid, but some people are theorizing decidedly to the contrary, so I’ll take the L for now.
You’re right, but um
uh um uh
please leave your message after the tone
Yes.
…Did I not mention he had four? He had four.
I just checked over Chapter 2, and no, I never mentioned the exact amount. Uhhhhhh what I meant to say was, it’s hidden in the- in the subtext of the chapter and yes um uh well um ysee uh
spoilers, man
sick
just like tott
There’s a lot of body language that can betray what expressions may be trained to conceal, or in Diero’s case, since his facial features consist of a skull that only ever moves to talk and on occasion warp into some facsimile of a grin or grimace, much of Diero’s intent has to be gleamed from other sources, like tone of voice and body attitude.
…I mean foreshadowing. OOooOOOoooooOOo. NOTaHFfan is furiously combing through his physical folders of Bo___ theories to decipher this
waluigi
Oh.
Uhh.
how to tie your shoe
I was hoping it would imply something else as the initial reference to Diero’s speed
he’s declawed
I wonder if you do, because the intent there is part of the not-yet-arrived twist. Tott holds greater secrets than we realize…
nyet
Likus hasn’t read the story and yet I can feel his disappointment
Stop making me want to rewrite it ugh smh
stud.io
well it’s the second time but I see your point
double hockey sticks
I will not dispel the concept.
Aye, but I wasn’t sure how to word it so the mention of the kid being punched wasn’t the first thing in the sentence.
not in this book.
ladybug picnic
You say that, and Arthur Conan Doyle is rolling in his grave
What’s worse is I couldn’t decide between the two
unlucky
dude careful you’re gonna choke
Jens’ lower torso had to move when Jethro wanted it to, which required a specific order if it was both non-verbal and non-visual (such as hand signs or some other indicator). Easiest way to handle that is a catch-all of some sort, allowing Jedediah to indicate (likely mentally) to carry out any action dictated through his thoughts. Were someone to stand in front of him while he was walking, they’d be trampled unless he changed course.
Yeah, it was intentionally unclear whether or not the orders are what cause them to be unstoppable, but there’s a slight difference between the two: any Dreamer properly connected to a host has something of a personality which can either be refined or not - Jethryn’s was very much not. Were a Dreamer to receive a verbal command, that personality may make them wary about their goals or the method to receive them, and Diero had one moment where he outright defied an order from Renner regarding the concealment of his name - verbal commands could possibly be ignored if the Dreamer was so inclined, but written orders must be followed and completed unless overwritten by another command. In that circumstance, they cannot be stopped.
The gloves were off.
heh
Fortni- I mean teen
For Tott, this is as alive as he can be. While not defined as such by the measures required for Dreamers to override, this is living for Tater Tott.
number 15
Jimothy’s not half the man he used to be
wait I already made that joke
You wake one…
61
Anodize is specifically in reference to metal - this has always been a jab towards Renner since its first use in the tower. Diero’s skin matches the appearance of other Dreamers, even the Ghid ones - stone-like and unmoving.
O ye of little faith, trust more in the one to trust. There are many details which will make a reappearance in the next book, and unfortunately there wasn’t enough room for Diero to lug around a nuclear warhead, especially with the cider facility coming by to reintroduce that threat.
Don’t worry, it wasn’t forgotten, and where it was left was wholly intentional. We’ll see it again.
I would say foreshadowing OOooOOOoooooOOo but yeah… Same guy.
He rushed him with bullets
Tott is angy. No explain innocence.
:flushed:
get on my level I’ve pointed out I’m an idiot like five trillion times in this topic alone
$19 Fortnite Card
No, the answer there is a bit complicated. It has to do with Tott’s nature, which I’ll explain more in the next book. FORESHADOWING OOOOOOOOOOO
hindsight
I am NOT a DORK.
(photo for proof()
9+10=
SEE GUYS I PLANNED THIS
I mean um
tutu
he is big strong boy
Like I said in response to NOTaHFfan (get a new username, smh) there’s deep lore behind how Tott pulled this off and how he knew where to jump, and I really hope I can cover it in the next book. If not I may have to make a couple side stories.
23
Fifty couldn’t have anticipated them dying and coming back to life. As far as he knew, they were already dead.
Nnno, Diero was just being nice. He can’t go shooting everyone he meets if his boss thinks they might be useful.
I still can't believe he had zero comments for that
Greg, go back into your all-consuming beard and stop disassembling the action figures to make new characters
Chronicler really shirked his duties for this book ngl
just Cordax this time
We all know Cordax was thinking that
One score and nine
Not doggone clever enough, soon as I gave that hint Rukah immediately found it. I should have said nothing until the end; this is what I get for letting slip a big clever moment.
hath September
Let’s see some of your
Final Chapter
this is your best critique so far
...Final Chapter 2?
Guys he literally didn’t say anything at all there is no Chapter 32 what is going on
it tailed off towards the end there, but thank you for the high-quality effort. Glad to have some decent critique of the series and to know the biggest issue was my horrible grammar
