Writing Excercise: Two Strangers (Bionicle, fanfiction)

I’m collecting ideas for my stories (right now they’re 5 different ones). And obviously, writing a story requires training good writing. So here’s my first take on an actual scene, which probably will be included in one of my stories.

Two Strangers

Feroke was exhausted. This was a rare experience for the Toa of Iron; but he just burned through almost all of his usable energy with his Kanohi Kakama. Due to him having nearly no training in utilizing mask powers, especially one that strong, he ended up running several kilometers too far. He had to keep moving, though. Or else he’d arrive too late to warn Turaga Beisak. He found the road that lead to Fe-Koro; the only road in all of Fe-Wahi. He decided to follow it with a three meter distance to the side, just in case.
Soon, he spotted two figures in the distance. He began running, excited to see other people out here. But after only 10 meters, he stopped. What if those two were some kind of dangerous criminals? Or even worse, part of the Spirit Army? He walked at a slower pace, ready to hide behind any of the huge, metal-filled boulders that were everywhere in Fe-Wahi and the main building material for Fe-Koro‘s houses. The sun was heating his organic parts up, and his heavy armor didn’t really help him on that one, but his cooling systems did. He sighed with relief when the first wave of coldness shivered down his masked face. He spotted some sort of light reflection in the distance. It took him a second to realize that that was one of the two strangers traveling right in the direction where he was coming from. If they walked down the whole road, they’d cross Po-Wahi, an even worse desert, and then end up in Ga-Wahi, a landscape full of beautiful beaches, cliffs, and tropical plants. He tried to percieve more details about the two, and saw that the second one was almost completely black, and a bit bigger than the shiny one. The shiny one was dancing. What. Feroke didn’t really see any reason to dance in a burning hot desert full of metal, but then he realized that the two actually strange strangers were already way too near to him. Quickly, he hid behind a boulder. He waited, and they came into his range of hearing.

A male voice: “What’sya opinion on the Prili overpopulation in Ga-Wahi right now?”
A female voice: “Well, I heard that those things are everywhere, but you know that I never have an opinion on anything unless I’ve actually experienced it.”
The male: “Ha, I know whyyo saying that, Bakali. It’s because the Ga-Matoran never show up in Fe-Koro, right? Just too hot there for the splishy fellas.”
The female, who was appearantly called Bakali, this time a bit annoyed: “Exactly. Hey, why don’t you try your Matatu on one of those rocks?”

Feroke was nervous. He was sure that the obvious choice would be his hiding spot. Well, he wasn’t wrong.
Because of his element, he could only feel the metal being grabbed by the mask‘s power, but he knew that the whole rock would be lifted up if he didn’t do anything. So he did the only thing he could do right now: he grabbed the metal with his own controlling abilities over said element, and pulled the boulder down. It was harder to not ram it into the ground even deeper than to keep up with his opponent. Elemental powers always surpass mask powers, he thought to himself, glad about this small triumph.

The male was angry: “What? Why’s that thing stayin‘ there? I’ve already got way larger ones than this tiny pebble moving!”
Bakali tried to calm him down: “Dintuk, that boulder probably was just too large and heavy for you. Come on, we have to go. I’ll never have that opinion if we never arrive.”
Dintuk, first angrily, then rather calm and amused: “You only told me to try that one because you knew it was too heavy! You have the earth powers, it’s obvious! You just wanted to trick me again, huh? Just like in the good ol‘ times.”
Bakali, after all those years she’d known him, still confused by her companion’s frequent mood changes, just agreed. Then she mentioned that they could rest here. Dintuk’s dancing surely must have made him tired. Dintuk agreed, and they sat down right in front of Feroke’s rock. Feroke himself, unexperienced as he was, realized that the two strangers must be Toa. So he formed a chunk of metal, resembling an anvil, the international symbol of Fe-Koro, out of the metal-heavy air and carved the words Come quickly! into the rock-like ground. Then he let the anvil fall onto a spot right next to his message to get the attention of the other Toa. He checked if he could use his Kakama, and sped off, towards Fe-Koro.

If everything sounds a bit weird, that’s because i had to translate it from my native language. The original version also included some sort of inappropiate joke, but that one was kind of lost in the translation.


This was actually a pretty good story

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