New Story - Any Interest?

This is a new story I just started working on. Please note it is NOT a BIONICLE story, because anything I do for BIONICLE would have to be official, approved, etc. This is something of my own. I have not decided whether to try to do it as a book or maybe a podcast or something else, but I figured I would share the beginning with you.

ONE

Kogar stepped out of the flyer and onto the sands of the Stone Barrens. Behind him, the driver said, “You sure this is the place?”

Off in the distance, a lone structure stood. It was only an hour past sunrise, but already the sounds of metal on metal could be heard drifting on the wind.

“I’m sure.”

“Do you want me to wait? You won’t find a ride back out here.”

“You can leave. I’m meeting someone.”

“Suit yourself.”

The flyer engine revved, but the vehicle stayed in place. After a moment, the driver said, “I remember you. I was just a kid, but I saw you when you fought off those Aski raiders. I always wondered what happened to you.”

You’re not the only one, thought Kogar. When he didn’t respond, the flyer roared off to the east. The driver might tell the story of picking up a famous passenger today, but odds were no one would believe him. Nobody had time for fairy tales these days.

Every step kicked up sickly yellow dust. He cranked up his internal cooling to compensate for the heat, but it wasn’t quite up to the job. He hadn’t thought he would ever have reason to come to this desolate waste again. The memories here weren’t good ones, but maybe that was why Namil had chosen this for a home. Of the group, he’d always been the most inclined to live in the past.

As Kogar got closer, he saw that the building was just a square block of dark green metal. Waves of heat from the forge inside rippled out the open doors. The ground all around was littered with broken flyers, spare parts, and rusted out junk. There was no sign.

Maybe it’s not a business, he thought. Maybe this is just a way to pass the time.

“Namil!”

The harsh clanging carried on for a few moments, then stopped. It was followed by the sound of Namil’s heavy tread. Then the smith peered out of the door, saw Kogar, and said “Yeah. No.” He promptly vanished back inside.

“It’s important!”

“For who?”

“Everybody.”

“Then go ask everybody for help.”

“It’s our problem.”

Something slammed against the wall of the building. Then Namil stormed out onto the sand. His armor was dusty and dented and there was a void where his left arm used to be. He was a good head taller than Kogar, even when he stooped over, which it seemed he still did from force of habit.

“No, we don’t have problems anymore. You have problems. And the main one is forgetting that it’s been 20 years since anyone wanted you coming to the rescue. You were the one who said it was over, ‘team leader,’ so it’s over. Now get lost.”

Kogar felt anger rise up in him. He hadn’t wanted to make this trip. He didn’t want to see any of them again, not even Shona. His last memory of her was the reproach in her eyes at the funeral and he had no desire to see that again. It hadn’t been a big step to go from burying a friend to saying the hell with all o fit.

He knew what Namil was thinking. None of them owed anyone anything. It wasn’t their responsibility anymore, and hadn’t been for a long time. And his old partner was right.

But Kogar also knew what it felt like to wake up in the middle of the night second-guessing his actions, going over everything that happened and trying to figure out what went wrong. He knew what it was to go over the same memories again and again, like a holo-vid that couldn’t be switched off. He couldn’t go through that a second time.

All of that flashed through his mind as he raised his right arm. A moment later, Namil’s home wrenched itself free from the ground and rose 30 feet in the air. Pain exploded in Kogar’s head. He hadn’t used this power in far too long and his whole body protested the effort.

Namil looked up at his entire life hovering in the sky. If Kogar cut the power off, the structure would slam into the ground, the walls would accordion, the roof would collapse on his tools and his forge and the few other objects he still owned. In that case, he might as well take a few steps forward and stand underneath it when it fell.

The building began to descend, but slowly and awkwardly. When it had only a few feet to go before reaching the sand, it suddenly dropped. Namil could hear his tools crashing to the ground and his anvil toppling over.

Without a word, Kogar turned and started the long walk back to the city.

74 Likes

Sure, I’d bite. I’ve always enjoyed the incredibly specific detail-oriented way you have with writing.

7 Likes

Seems interesting for sure. Id bite

5 Likes

You have my interest.

7 Likes

A new story idea seems interesting ill bite the fishing hook for now

2 Likes

This is getting interesting! I would love to see more of this.
May I ask are the main characters human or some other species specific to your story?

1 Like

Ooh this sounds quite interesting. Are you going to expand the story more?

1 Like

Interest has been gained.

2 Likes

Yes, I have more plans for it. The next part introduces Shona, who has power over plant life. She was gifted a garden upon “retirement,” but because her plants are fueled by her own emotions, the garden is all dark and twisted.

27 Likes

That sounds pretty creepy. I’ll look forward to more stories.

1 Like

This is really neat. I like it.

2 Likes

Definitely interested! Is this by chance the story that you mentioned during the BIONICLE Day panel?

6 Likes

Pretty interesting!

1 Like

I’ll definitely be keeping tabs on this. Just to clarify though, is this a work-in-progress that you’re looking for C&C on, or is this purely for gauging interest? (I ask because I did write some C&C before realizing that you didn’t specifically ask for it, and I’d rather not embarrass myself in case it’s the latter :sweat_smile:)

5 Likes

The mention of armour, Kogar adjusting his internal cooling and the mental strain sounds to me to be bio-mechanical or cyborg at least.

As others have said, this has my interest. I love how you start it right on a meet up of former friends and so much can already be inferred about their pasts and former dynamic.

:joy:

I am looking forward to reading more, I’m curious to know if Kogar has powers of gravity or magnetism (seeing as the forge was a metal box)

5 Likes

He could have metal as well

5 Likes

oh, nice! Kinda reminds me of your Hero Factory books – which is by no means a bad thing, as I’ve often praised your Hero Factory works and wished they could’ve continued. I’d definitely be interested to see more of this.

3 Likes

At this point, this is basically a “does this suck?” sort of post :slight_smile: I have a few things I am writing and a limited amount of writing time, so I have to prioritize where I put my efforts. And this is the one thing I am doing I figured would have some appeal to this audience.

26 Likes

Gotcha. While I don’t particularly feel qualified on saying “does this suck or not,” especially without seeing what else you’re working on, here are nonetheless my initial scattershot, word vomit-y thoughts on it. Some of them will be more pertinent for what you’re looking for than others. Take it all however you will:

Not sure if this is intentional or a typo, but I’d might as well highlight it: you might be missing the “of” in the italicized portion.

Like this description. Evocative without being too heavy-handed about it.

Outside of a comma missing after “said,” I don’t have anything particularly critical or constructive to say here. Just a solid gag that gave me a good laugh.

Minor typo.

Personally, it feels a bit early in the story to drop all this backstory here, particularly the italicized portion, but that’s ultimately your call to make. See also the note I made about pacing down below.

I like Kogar’s sense of duty and responsibility here. Or shame and guilt, depending on which side of the coin you’re on. Either way, it gives him a good motivation. We can infer at least partly why he’s really here and now with Namil.

Effective, dramatic reveal here. The unexpected and abruptness adds to the reader’s surprise as much as it does Namil’s. It’s also a good place to leave off the chapter, with the words and dust left equally hanging in the air. The unsaid threat to Namil (If Kogar can do that with a house, then imagine what he could do to Namil!) works well, and gives us a reason to see what comes next.

Another solid laugh from me.

More General Thoughts and Notes:

  • Towards the start you use “metal” three times, right near each other. Mixing it up with other nouns like “steel” or “iron” (or your metal of choice) would both give more variety and details of the world.

  • Pacing is on the quicker side, particularly in the lead-up to Namil and Kogar’s confrontation, though that’s not necessarily a bad thing, depending on how long or short you’re imagining this being. If you do decide to slow it down a bit, I’d personally suggest devoting more time to Namil and Kogar. Maybe have Kogar enter Namil’s forge, let both him and us see what’s about to be lifted into the air, see more personally what Namil’s about to lose. It’d give more of an insight into both their mentalities, of Namil wanting to be left alone and Kogar slowly losing his patience before the house-lifting.

  • Out of curiosity, are the characters human or near-human, or are they completely alien? I ask because, if the answer’s the former, I’m wondering of the benefit of using names like “Kogar” and “Namil” as opposed to more traditional ones.

  • Doesn’t really matter for the story right now, and definitely doesn’t need an answer right now, but roughly how old are these characters? 40s? 80s? 4,000s? That informs Kogar and Namil’s behaviors, and how we perceive those behaviors. And it gives a better sense of the scale of this world, and the significance of the 20 years between the group’s dissolution and the present. Again, that doesn’t need a firm answer right now, but it’s worth keeping in the back of your mind if you don’t really have an answer.

  • What is the audience you envision for this work, outside of “us?” Is it a roughly younger audience of 10 year olds or so? Slightly older, for the high schoolers? Or more adult? Again, this is one of those questions that doesn’t really need an answer, but it does set expectations (I wouldn’t expect a 10 year old to be reading A Tale of Two Cities, for instance!).

That’s about if for now. Hope you found some of this helpful! :slightly_smiling_face:

6 Likes

What? That sentence is perfectly fine. He is saying that out here (wherever they are) Kogar won’t find another ride back (to wherever they came from).

7 Likes