#Episode 3: The Traitorous Turnabout
August 5th, 12:57 PM.
Varponok Autopsy Agencies.
Varponok: …Well, Kahi. I think I’ve taught you enough of my work for the time being. I think it’s finally time you see my action as a lawyer. I will meet you at the courthouse at 2:00.
Kahi: Very well sir. So, uh. What’s the case about?
Varponok: Oh, just a hit and run case. I have to defend the guy accused of the crime. I think his name is Eljay?
Kahi: Weird name. Anyways, what’s the evidence show?
Varponok: It’s an odd case. There are conflicting viewpoints, but I think I can make a good case. After all, Prosecutor Slime is a guy I’ve dealt with before. I know his tricks.
Cronk: Don’t worry, Kahi. I’ve given him enough evidence to make his case against Slime. Plus, Varponok’s analysis skills will make this an open and shut case.
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Varponok: Right. Anyways, I have to go, Kahi. See you guys both at the courthouse. Don’t forget, Kahi. 2:00.
Kahi: I won’t forget.
Varponok: You’d better not. Goodbye, Kahi.
##CRASH
“Ugh… That hurts… Not exactly the most comfortable position.”
…
“I need to grab my phone… Errgh… Got it… Ugh…”
RING
“Pick up… Please.”
“Please pick up.”
“Kahi… Ugh… Hi. You need to get to the courthouse… What’s wrong? I’ve gotten into a crash… Someone hit me. Bleeding everywhere. Not sure how long I’ll be conscious. Look, I need you to get to the court house and take the case. Please. The defendant, he’s not guilty. I know he’s not now. Please… Take the case…”
Beep
Kahi: Oh no… There has never been a worse day… I’m not prepared for this. But, the defendant. He needs someone to defend him. I need to take this case, even if I have no idea what I’m doing. Oh well. Here goes nothing…
That’s not how it works, bruh. You can always call 911 for Var, though.
“Emergency? I have a huge emergency. There was a crash… A huge crash… Where? I dunno… My boss just called me about it… You already got calls on this? Alright… Goodbye then…”
Kahi: “Well, Eljay needs some defense. Time to go in and defend him.”
District Courthouse #2
2:00 pm.
Eljay: So you’re the guy who’s gonna defend me, huh?
Kahi: Well, my mentor originally was, but he got into a fatal accident.
Eljay: Um… Why?
Kahi: No idea, but hey, at least you got me!
Eljay: Have you ever defended someone in court before?
Kahi: Um… No, not really. You’ll be my first person I’ll ever defend.
Eljay: Wonderful… Just wonderful…
Bailiff: The trial is about to start. Come on in, guys.
District Courthouse #2.
2:03 pm.
Venom: Alright, skrubs, settle down. Court is now in session for the Trial of Eljay for the murder of Pot8o. Hmm… Who is the defense attorney here? I thought Mr. Varponok was supposed to be the defense?
Kahi: I’m his apprentice, sir. Mr. Varponok got into an accident, so, uh, I’m here to take his place.
Venom: Ah, very well. Since you are new around here, I suppose you should get to know somethings.
Kahi: No, I’m fine. I have all the evidence prepared. I’m just nervous, that’s all.
Slime: Heh. Looks like this case will be easier than I thought, seeing that Varponok is out now. This n00by skrub should be easy to beat.
Kahi: (Nooby Scrub? What kind of insult is that?)
Slime: Hah. You even have that amateur look when you’re thinking. I don’t think you’re familiar with me, are you?
Kahi: Not really.
Slime: I’m the Slaim-Slammer. You’ve just met your match, skrub.
Kahi: (Scrub… What kind of an insult is that? Seriously? What the heck!)
Venom: We’re getting off track here. Anyways, let the session begin. Your opening word, Mr. Slime.
Slime: Thank you, your honor. On the afternoon of June 14th, Mr. Lewa “Eljay” Johnson was distracted on his phone playing “cookie clicker” when he ran over our victim, Pot8o, on his way to the TTV studios. But he didn’t stop once he hit poor Pot8o. Oh no, instead he drove off. A true hit and run. So our first witness we’ll bring up is a TTV Moderator who investigated the scene.
Kahi: (And who is that gonna be?)
Chronk: Chronicler ModSquad, reporting for duty!
Kahi: Oh no… I’m not ready for cross-examination…
Slime: Good to see you again, Chronicler. You may begin your testimony when ready.
Chronicler: Well, let’s start out with the basics. On June 14th at 3:37 pm Pot8o was the victim of a hit and run by Mr. Eljay, the defendant, when Eljay was driving distracted. The autopsy provided states that Mr. Pot8o took a big impact was was then smashed onto the concrete of the sidewalk, which made sense considering that this is a hit and run.
The phone we recovered from Eljay showed that he had started playing Cookie Clicker around 3:36, meaning that he had played the game for around a minute when he hit poor pot8o. We have a list of records on what Eljay was doing at the time.
Also found on the car was the remains of mashed potatoes on the tire, definitely the sign of a hit and run. We even have a photograph of Mr. Pot8o’s remains for the court to see.
Kahi: (Drat. This looks like an open and shut case right now. There has to be something wrong somewhere!)
Evidence:
My most important badge; tells people that I’m an attorney.
Picture of incident.
Autopsy:
Pot8o faced a large impact followed by a squish, parts of him becoming mashed potatoes. He was killed at 3:37 pm approximately. Practically split in half.
Phone Records:
Ask to view them.
Cronk: Well, uh, if you look closely at the picture, you can see tire tracks close to where the victim’s body is. Analyzing the scene, it was a case of hit and run, with Eljay’s car running over the victim’s body. I even have a picture of the tire to prove that he ran over poor Pot8o.
(Picture of tire added to Court Records.)
Kahi: There’s one thing I fail to understand, Mr. ModSquad.
Cronk: And what’s that?
Kahi: Why are there no tire tracks on Pot8o’s body?
Slime: What are you trying to say?
Kahi: Ugh. Do I have to spell it out for you guys? Look at the picture.
Kahi: While we see tire tracks on the side of the road, the tracks are apparently absent on the body of the victim. So if he was ran over by the truck and the tire got potato all over it, why is there no tracks to begin with?
Kahi: Also, why would the body be split in half if the car, if anything, would have squished him? This doesn’t add up.
Slime: There’s a simple explanation for this. The car is very heavy, is it not?
Kahi: Yes, the car is heavy, what are you suggesting?
Slime: I’m suggesting that the car would be so heavy that it splits the potato in half.
Kahi: Ah, but you’re forgetting one thing, Slime. There’s no impressed tracks on the potato. This means that the car could NOT have hit and killed Pot8o by running him over if he even tried.
Slime: But this proves nothing. All that is circumstantial. Wouldn’t you agree, your Honor?
Venom: I do have to admit that much of that would be circumstantial to the event, but nonetheless, it’s still a probability.
Slime: Besides, this doesn’t prove that Eljay still wasn’t on his phone. We have records for that. But I don’t suppose you’d like to see them.
Cronk: Here, sir. It’s the phone records list we pulled from the phone that was on Eljay.
List:
3:03 PM: Message from Eljay.
3:04 PM: Message from Eljay.
3:05 PM: Message from Eljay.
3:26 PM: Message from Eljay.
3:30 PM: Message from Varponok
3:31 PM: Internet use.
3:35 PM: Began playing cookie clicker.
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Kahi: I would like to see the messages on this list, if I am allowed to.
Venom: Nothing says you can’t.
Slime: Well, I guess that means I’ll have to reveal another piece of evidence I wasn’t prepared to show, but here it is. It’s Eljay’s iPhone. We found it on him when he was arrested. It has his fingerprints all over it.
Messages:
3:03: Hey Alena.
Alena? You there?
3:04: I got your messages from earlier. Are you sure you don’t wanna be on today’s podcast?
3:05: I wish you would respond, Alena.
3:26: I’m coming over to pick you up. See you soon.
3:30: Look, are you going to be on the podcast or not? You haven’t shown up yet. It’s frustrating me.
#SLAM
Kahi: There’s a major problem with this proposition, Slime. Eljay doesn’t have an iPhone.
Slime: Uh… What?
Kahi: According to one of the earlier TTV episodes, Eljay said he owns a Nokia phone, NOT an iPhone. This cannot be his phone!
Slime: Is that it? That’s your only reason why it’s not his?
Kahi: Well, I mean… I could add more, but…
Slime: Then don’t waste our time and add onto it!
Kahi: Let’s take a closer look at these messages, then.
Kahi: There is something very peculiar about this: the messages are FROM Eljay and address to ALENA. I dunno about you, but I know not even Eljay is desperate enough to message HIMSELF on a phone.
Slime: Then who’s phone is it? And why did Eljay have it on him?
Kahi: Ah, now we’re asking the logical questions! The answer is simple: the phone belongs to Alena. I don’t know how, but there was a switch off between 3:26 and 3:30.
Slime: And how will you prove that, huh? How do you prove that they switched it off? You still haven’t proven anything yet.
Kahi: I can prove one thing: There is a timing contradiction in Chronicler’s testimony on when Eljay began to play Cookie Clicker. Chronicler said 3:36, but the phone says 3:35. Is there a reason for this?
Cronk: Just a mistake, really. Sorry pal.
Kahi: (Alright, now to focus on proving that the phone we have is Alena’s.)
Kahi: Simple, Slime! They were in the same car! They could have switched it there!
Slime: Heh… I got you caught now, Kahi. It has to be Eljay’s phone for one reason: there are nobody but Eljay’s prints on the phone!
Kahi: Excuse me?
Slime: Look at the fingerprints analysis.
FINGER PRINT ANALYSIS:
The phone only had Eljay’s fingerprints on it in the shape of him grasping onto it with his right hand. Also, his finger prints were all over the screen.
Kahi: So you with-held this evidence until now to catch me in a trap?
Slime: They don’t call me the Slammer for nothing.
Kahi: (If Alena’s fingerprints are missing, how do I prove it’s her phone? We have the blatant messages from Eljay to the phone, so that has to be some proof. But her fingerprints are missing.)
Kahi: (Varponok was right… This case doesn’t have an easy answer.)
Kahi: Prosecutor Slime, your evidence does NOTHING to make your case!
Slime: How so?
Kahi: Because all it proves is that Eljay would have GRABBED it. Nothing more, nothing less! This does NOT prove that Eljay owned the phone to begin with!
Kahi: All the evidence shows that this had to be the result of a trade-off!
Slime: AGH! No!
Kahi: Moreover, I think it really comes down to this fact: that phone is NOT Eljay’s!
Cronk: Kahi has a great point there!
Slime: Yeah, sure sure… You have a good point that the phone doesn’t belong to him. However, you’re missing something.
Kahi: What am I missing?
Slime: None of this proves that Eljay wasn’t distracted when he drove his car, does it?
Kahi: What do you mean?
Slime: It doesn’t matter whether the phone is HIS or not… All that matters is that Eljay hit Pot8o. And so far, you haven’t been able to prove that he hasn’t. He still played Cookie Clicker at 3:36, and he still ran over him. Sure, the tires didn’t make a track, but what does that prove? Nothing! All of it is circumstantial!
Kahi: Wha-? NOOOOOOOOO!
Venom: Hmm… Slime brings up a good point. None of this has proven anything, really. All this bickering about a phone… What has it done to prove that Eljay was not guilty?
Slime: Exactly, your honor. It doesn’t do squat.
Kahi: (Gah… What have I done? None of this proves my point… Think! Think! There has to be something I’m missing!)
Kahi: There is one thing that’s been bothering me about Cronk’s testimony. He says Eljay was playing cookie clicker at 3:36, when he really did it at 3:35, according to the time. How long did he play the game for?
Slime: He played it for however long it takes to play cookie clicker. I dunno. Perhaps you should ask him.
Kahi: So then it would be alright if you called the next witness?
Slime: Now hold on a second, I’m still trying to make my case.
BANG
Venom: In favor of the defense, I feel it would be better to move onto our next witness, as I still am a bit conflicted myself with this case. Perhaps another witness would be suitable. Slime, call your next witness.
Slime: I feel we could get more done if we called the defendant up.
Kahi: (Now’s my chance. Eljay can tell his side of the story and I can finally win this case. For Varponok.)
Eljay: Er, hi.
Slime: Let’s get down to the point. You’re Eljay, a TTV cast member, worker for irrigation, blahdy blah blah.
Kahi: Your Honor, Slime just went against the order of conduct for a court case! He should receive a penalty for disobeying conduct.
Slime: Wha-? What did I do that was wrong?! I was just trying to get the cross-examination over with! You should be thankful.
Venom: Eh, i’ll let it slide.
Kahi: (Ugh. This is the worse court ever.)
Eljay: It was June 14th when I decided I wanted to take a bit of a trip with my girlfriend, Alena, before I headed off to work. I sent her plenty of messages on my phone in order for her to know when I would pick her up, and when I did, we had a good time.
Eventually, I headed over to work at the TTV Building and went inside as she stayed in the car. It was, what, 3:20 at the time? Anyways, I decided to get out my phone and play some cookie clicker as I waited for Alena to get here from home. I played cookie clicker on MY phone, as shown on the records.
Anyways, I didn’t run over any potatoes, if that’s what the prosecution wants to know! I’d never harm a poor potato in my life! And no, I am NOT from Idaho! Why does everyone ask me that?
Slime: Yeah, but can you prove something bad was going on? No.
Kahi: Eljay, I want to ask you to look at this picture.
Eljay: That’s the presumably run-over Potato or something. So what?
Kahi: I’d like to ask you if this tire matches with your car.
Eljay: That’s a perfect match.
Kahi: (Drat. I need another way to come at this.)
Kahi: Could Alena have driven your car while you were at the TTV Building?
Eljay: Sure.
Kahi: Do you have any PROOF that you were at the TTV building at the time?
Eljay: Well, I WOULD have if it wasn’t confiscated when I was arrested by Mr. Slime over there. It was my clock-in ticket.
Kahi: You got a piece of evidence confiscated from you by SLIME?
Slime: Heh heh…
Venom: Slime, are you withholding evidence from the court?
Slime: What? No… Just waiting to use it for the right time.
Venom: That’s a bootleg excuse, kid. Present it NOW.
Slime: Fine. Here’s the clock-in times…
Clock-in Time:
July 14th, 3:47 pm.
Kahi: So it was shortly after the incident?
Eljay: There wasn’t an incident to begin with!!
Slime: This proves nothing, though. In fact, it means he had plenty of time to run over Pot8o to begin with!
Kahi: Interesting… Now, can I ask if Alena was in the car when you were driving to the TTV building?
Eljay: Why yes, but I wasn’t the one who ran Pot8o over! You have the wrong guy!
Slime: That’s not what the evidence shows, Eljay.
Eljay: Evidence, smevadince! Me and Alena are innocent! Especially Alena!
Eljay: I drive a truck. Is that good enough?
Kahi: Not very specific, but I guess that matches with the type of tire. Also, Mr. Slime, was the car found at the crime scene?
Slime: Well, it IS a hit and run, so of course not!
Slime: Also, I’d love to ask Eljay about this comment:
Eljay: Uh… What’s wrong with it?
Slime: If what you said was true in this testimony, then that means the phone IS yours! And you just admitted it! Since you were driving to work around 3:30-3:40, you obviously only could have used your phone at that time in order to play Cookie Clicker and run over Pot8o!
Eljay: Guh… Ugh…
Kahi: Eljay! Why are you lying to the court!?
Eljay: I’m not lying! It’s my phone! I’ll tell you it’s mine! Do you have any evidence that suggests it isn’t?
Kahi: So you’re POSITIVE that this is your phone, Eljay?
Eljay: I am incredibly positive.
Slime: Well, if he admits it, then it must be true!
Kahi: Then I guess you ARE that desperate, Eljay. Look at this list again!
Phone Records:
3:03 PM: Message from Eljay.
3:04 PM: Message from Eljay.
3:05 PM: Message from Eljay.
3:26 PM: Message from Eljay.
3:30 PM: Message from Varponok
3:31 PM: Internet use.
3:35 PM: Began playing cookie clicker.